bluevelvet

bluevelvet Nov 2017

Roses

My father kept a rose in his bible
To symbolize him and my mother
I remmeber when he pulled it out
When I was little at churce,
I asked him what it was and
I forgot the whole story but I remember
It involved him and my mother
I can still smell the aftertones of rose
But it was brown and decade,
Withered from years of protection
Between pages as a bookmark
I realized I am the same for the ones I loved,
As little to none would admit it
I am that rose,
I am the withered bookmark you keep
I am the reminder of when you were human,
When you first started,
When you thought you knew everything,
When the simple things were enough.
I am the reminder of who you are.
I don't have a bible filled with bookmarks
I have a body colored with the reminder that
I am in fact human.
I will continue to add to it until I decide,
When I meet the one.
I will no longer need to print myself with bookmarks
But rather take photographs with my eyes
And feel with my hands and lips.
Taste and feel and experience why
Those other bookmarks are not here
But a reminder of how far I have come

bluevelvet Nov 2017

Do You Remember?

At least I did one thing right,
Standing in November rain
I wouldn't put up a fight
Take away the pain,
Would you hold me tight?

Sun shines through,
I want to be someone you never knew,
Someone that is brand new
Better than the other few

Smoking whatever you want to,
I could die just being here with you
You seem like someone I always knew
Breath it in and I'm feeling blue

My walls down,
You seen me and no longer frown,
Blue turns to brown
And I hit the hard cold ground

I want to wrap you up,
Protect you like a new born
But you've out grown me
Do you remember?
You stared like you always wanted it
And you're so fit
How could I compete
When I'm not a skinny babe?

They tell me I'm skinning down,
The less I eat the more chance
Someone like you turns around
And my heart would make all these sounds

Would it be enough?
Years ago, shine shows through
The lucky part is I could die
Laughing with you.

bluevelvet Nov 2017

Untitled

I
still
don't
know
what
love
means

bluevelvet Nov 2017

alone

I wonder how someone can enjoy being alone?
To find comfort in solitary.
Whether physically or emotionally alone,
How can they stay in silence for so long?

I would rather be surrounded by hundreds of thousands of strangers
Than be by myself.
The being alone itself isn't what scares me,
It's the silence.
Because in that silence I am forced to comprehend
That maybe there is nothing more.

There is no other galaxy's that hold
Millions of billions of stars,
There is no other planets like Mars and Jupiter,
There is no other earths.

An earth for each chance you messed up or never took,
An earth for every mistake you wish you could change
And the opposite outcomes from them.
An earth for every time you were never enough,
Where you were far too much,
And you were never the one.
An earth to see what could have been,
But there is nothing.

I don't know,
A vast nothingness is scare than living in this hell.

And maybe this is all we have,
Maybe this is the only earth.
Maybe I'm the only me and you,
You are the only version of you.

And the only other earth there is?
The one in our dreams.
Where we do everything right.

bluevelvet Nov 2017

Worthwhile

Have you ever felt alone?
The bare minimum isn't enough?
Like you're breathing for no special reason?
Do you take what you can get?
Do you shut up with the fear of losing it all?
Have you lied to pretend that it truly is whatever?
Like you aren't surprised by the outcome?
I have.
I feel like this everyday.
I am tired,
I am exhausted.
That's why I'm a ****.
Today isn't yesterday,
Or four years ago,
Six years ago,
Eight, nine, ten,
Eleven years ago.
Today is today and you may think I don't deserve respect
Which is why I'm a ****.
Confuse who I am today for a dumb *******,
I'll be the biggest **** you have ever met.
But there is someone out there,
Watching and keeping tabs.
Someone that sees I'm drowning,
Dying because I can't handle this on my own.
Where are you?
Who are you?
If you notice someone dying do you watch?
Do you walk away?
Or do you show yourself?
Do you let resentment go and find the good in people?
I am washed ashore,
Dying for air but missing the water that surrounded me.
I am a fish that wants to be loved,
Admired in a tank filled with your love.
Whoever you are,
I need you.
I've needed people and things before,
Most of my life I have depended on these things
To make it through,
To make it matter in anyway.
Now I need it to live,
To make it seem worthwhile.

bluevelvet Nov 2017

Untitled

I miss the addiction of freedom,
When you knew it was time to go home
By the streetlights turning on
Running up the hills and catching lightening bugs
I miss ice cream trucks and
When swimming pools meant
I was picked up and thrown out further by my dad,
Not me doing it for a little boy who doesn't have one
I miss the addiction of summer,
Vacations, camps
And bus rides with secret plans
Watching the stars for the beauty,
Not planes for the unknown
I have lived and died a hundred thousand times
And this time,
This time on the ground,
I don't have the will to get back up
Frostbitten and shaking,
My breath blows smoke and
Smears the stars and just for a moment
I close my eyes and reach out,
Feeling and tasting freedom once again
You would have never left,
You would have cared
In a way no one else does now