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bluevelvet Nov 2017
Like seasons I have died
Over and over again
This time it's thorns
To protecte the ones that want to come close,
The ones I want to save
Each ***** and scratch and ****
Is filled with venom,
Mouth breathing out disease
Could you have loved me if I never met him?
If I didn't make those mistakes?
You're fit and I'm disastrous
You seem calm and collective,
I move fast like a daydream
Drain guys like it's a norm
But you seem perfect,
The kind I want but never have.
In another life you're another guy
That wants to try but maybe
I'm stronger that time,
Maybe I'm enough for myself
bluevelvet Nov 2017
DJW
Have you seen what I'm working with now?
I'm running it into the ground,
Bringing it to my level.
You were down here once, too.
I'm ultimately sure of it.
Are you doing your smirk at my sad existence?
Or just watching it pass by?
Maybe that salt life is still calling your name.
It's funny either way,
You have a way of popping up.
I wanted to ask you why you used to look at me like that.
Used to, that's the big part.
Now you can't even look at me,
Red means go to me,
Just in my head for a minute.
The sweet relief of metal in my side and broken glass in my skull.
Just a minute of daydreaming of everything ending.
Maybe if it was on the couch and the scratching of nails
From my dog being locked in its crate,
Heavy breathing was heard.
I would have asked you and now, years later,
A different house and a different couch,
That grasshopper noise would stick with me
Why am I writing about this?
Why do I even think about it?
This year has been a record breaking year.
I'm no longer negative about anything,
Just my self and my sad existence.
I guess that's what happens when you've finally
Been hit with a train wreck and you're frozen,
Grounded to the spot with the hard hitting reality
That everything is my fault.
bluevelvet Nov 2017
I want this.
To be the caregiver,
To be protected

I want a love.
The kind you see in movies,
Read in books,
Daydream of

The kind that shows you off,
That wouldn't leave you left out,
Isn't afraid of the looks

That loves me for me,
And maybe the way my
Mouth can move up and down
And the way my imperfect body
Can contort against his,
Hairy on hairy
Grunt on grunt

I'd call him daddy when I feel bad,
Softly admit I love him when I feel vulnerable
Give him what he wants

Cook and clean,
Work and take care of the kids
Just for him

And all I want in return?
All I ever really need?
Loyalty and to be loved.
Loved and cared for.

Is that too much to ask for?
bluevelvet Nov 2017
I could be anyone I want
The craigslist killer,
The boy scout that helps you cross the street
I could be a hundred million things
Do you know who I am?
Have you heard of me?
The way I lie and contort myself to be
Exactly what you want?
Have you heard of the good that I do?
Or did you just hear the bad?
Does it shine brighter than my strive to be
Accepted and given a chance?
I want to paint galaxy's with my words
And touch souls with my feelings
Have you considered yourselves not actually better than me?
Have you tried?
Have you reached out?
To really know me, to bust open the skull
To learn me.
What have you done?
bluevelvet Oct 2017
Can you see me?
Can you feel it?
Like waves crashing onto a shore,
Wind bending trees.
I am the feeling someone yearns for.
Is it you?
Is it myself?
I long to be longed for the kind that doesn't want me.
I am not beautiful like your last or
Like the ones on screen.
But I love beautiful like them,
Maybe even more so.
I want to run my fingers through your long hair,
I want to taste sunrises with you
Whoever you are.
Who are you,
*blue l
bluevelvet Oct 2017
I am alone in this cold place
I am slightly drunk and
I am alone
I could easily go out,
Find a married guy and spend 15 minutes with him
In the back of his car
I could drink some more and feel braver,
Stare a hole into the guy I find appealing,
Make it uncomfortable for anyone
I could cry but I've done enough of that
I could continue to snap myself in half
Between the sweet person I am that occasionally makes not-so-great decisions
Or the two faced horrible person you presume I am
I could walk back into that store,
Snowflakes melting in my white hair
But does it matter?
No matter how much I wish and pray and try,
Sometimes you just aren't enough
Would you let me down gently?
Would you call the cops?
Laugh and tell all your friends?
Another mark on my belt,
But not ******.
Just the laughing stock of the town.
Would you give me a chance?
See me?
Past these layers of rumors and truth's,
Past my body and ****** up mind
Who are you?
Would you care?
Would you go past hearing my name or
Would you just turn around after hearing it?


Do you know how alone that feels?
bluevelvet Oct 2017
you
I remember that picture so clearly.
So why does it matter?
Why does anything matter?
Wouldn't it be great if you could just...
Cut your flesh and dig around to see what you're made of?
To feel the muscles and blood and tendons between your finger tips?
Or to take a bottle of pills and see the light before tasting the depressing feel of a stomach pumped?
Or to lay halfway out of an upside down, burning car? Near death and wishing for a sweet relief.

When do I get that sweet relief?

Without being a coward.

When do I find the one to let me touch the slivering of scales against my skin without being afraid?
To let my body be enough?
When do I get to laugh and carry on without caring about anyone else in the world?
I want to taste the freedom.
To feel it pull me in and cradle me like a soft child.
To tell me that I haven't been enough for others until this moment.
Where I am more than enough and so much more to look forward to.
When is it my turn to be enough for someone
that is so much more than enough
For me?
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