She told me that I am


              Kind and caring and


After I help her out some


              She tells me I'm sweet


I tell her,


                  Despite what you hear


      I try to help out however I can


          Because I know how it feels


To have no one around to help


               And how no one likes me


And talks about me






               She looks at me and says,



I love you!



        I would never talk about you



And if I did,


        It's about something funny you said


                 She tells me not to listen


To what people say about me



          'Cause she knows



              That I'm a good person,



     That I'm sweet and helpful



           I've thought recently,



                   Very, very recently,



    About confiding in her about



How much this hurts,



             And if I was brave



                  I'd cry my eyes out




   Because I've told another,



                 Got teary eyed but



      It never went further down



              




            Before all of this



She tells me of her cousin







          And how she worries







For him after Trump was elected







          And I'm left to wonder







How it feels to date someone







        With the same name






                                        As a cousin

This is poetry,
It's me writing what
I truly feel inside,
What I feel when
I am reminded of a time

And I have experienced
So many times since then
And I have experienced
So many times that have
Nothing to do with this

That last one reminded, it knocked
The hell out of me in a way
That is undeniable
I wish I could say
I'm sorry to him
Not for how it ended
But because it was never him

I remember thinking
At the beginning that
He would be a momentary filler
That it would last a month,
Maybe two months
And that it was really because
I was just waiting for you

And along the way,
He made me forget because
I let myself forget everything
And he made me feel loved
And he made me feel wanted
And I did love him then and I did want him then
And he made me a horrible
Disfigured form of who I was
Because I chose to let him and
Myself become that

It wasn't real and it wasn't fake
I did love him, he was a part of
My growing life and I wish
I could tell him that
Im sorry for being such a
Horrible humain being,
Just ******* out everything
Because I needed to feel whole
And it's because...
I wasn't whole, I wasn't really anything
Because I left who I was,
I left everything back there,
I left it with you

And it's inexcusable what I did
And how I hurt people
All along the way,
It was my very own form
Of a thick wall, it wasn't who
I truly am
None of this is
The lying, the drugs,
The endless suffering
I have to let go of that part,
That wall isn't who I am anymore

And even though you moved on,
You may not even believe
Anything I say in this,
I can feel the carefree and innocence that I was before
I eventually met you and
The joyful, brave, courageous person
You once made me after I met you

And if I never see you again,
If I never talk to you or hear from you again,
I do love you
I love you in the simplest of ways
And I love you in the most agonizingly difficult for the brain to comprehend ways
I love who you made me and I hate who I let myself become
But I love how you and myself reminded me
Of everything I used to be
And I take this love that I have for you and I take this relearning to love love for myself
And I'm becoming who I was but turning it into
Who I am with the who I used to be
And I can only ever thank you and me for who I will be

And I wish you could see this journey,
I wish you could experience the final,
The new and improved
And in a way you will because I'm taking you everywhere I go
And it will be met with every ghost and regret I have ever went through and made,
Probably more than once will they be met,
But regardless of what happens,
I will walk out of it and continue,
With you inside of me

I'm sorry if I let you down,
And if that's the reason you will never be actually around
I'm sorry I can't take back what I did and the things I said
But if we somehow meet again along this way
I swear I hope you're happy and free and even when im
Bitter and angry at you or myself or the world,
I will always be here for you and I swear I will never let myself
Forget you in any way possible

You completed me in a way that I could never understand
You made me feel a way I had never felt before
You made me a better version of myself,
Sure I still had doubt and self esteem problems,
But you made me strong and brave and fierce and happy and loving and determined and youthful and an endless kind of happy and love
That follows you everywhere you go even when
You can't see it or if you forget it and no longer
Can you feel it in or around you

Even though I'm so freaking down right now
And I cry and feel angry and hurt and confused
Because I still have doubts and self esteem problems
And trust issues and so many more issues,
I can feel it again and you know what?
It's the best feeling I've had in so long that I don't honestly know
How to contain it
It's burning inside me and it's wanting to be set free to spread through
Every vein and muscle and inch of my body

And I love it,
I love this feeling and I feel like it's a feeling that loves me too
And it's foreign but remembered and that makes me love it even more
And I'm starting to love myself again slowly and I know it takes time and
I hate how im still so impatient with everything and how
I envy those with patience because that's a part of who they are and
It's not a part of me but it may eventually be because who knows what the future holds

And I hope your present is bright and fruitful and
Somehow everyday something happens and you find
Even more of a reason to beam so brightly
And everyday after that is bigger and better and warmer
Because I love you like I have never loved anyone because there was never supposed to be anyone but you

And if the possibility of someone else in the future arouses,
If everything is really too late,
I will never let them change me unless it's positive
They can add onto what I and yourself helped put into me
And you will still never go away,
This love for you will never go away like it never really did,
Just fogged and pushed away
But it isn't anymore, it never will be again

Because I enjoy this love,
It doesn't feel weighed down and suppressed with the liability of demands and expectations
It's pure and whole and giving and peaceful
It's a love that is loved

It was time to go,


                  She's impatient but


      I'm obligated to love her for


This life that allowed me to once


             Know of who you w e r e


  I'm not one for physical contact,


             I'm sure s o m e o n e ( s ) ,


           s o m e w h e r e


               could easily confirm this


As still relevant for  t o d a y


        But you are  h e r e , but


                you really are not


     Because you are g o n e


           And I have moisture on my


L e s s. t h a n  p e r f e c t  f a c e


           But I'm in a hurry this time


              To wipe it off without the


   Urgency to not make her mad


Because she is wild and she is


        ******* i n g  c r a z y  but


She is beautiful in the way


          When s he finds something,


    When s he finds some o n e


                 That made her feel a


Fraction of what she wanted


        Them to feel,


             She will love them until


    Her breathing stops


                  And all t h e s e


   Dreams are turned to stars


        That will help the few that


            Will  m a g i c a l l y  meet


     Keep hope and never, e v e r


                Let them slip through


     Their fingers


        And so you're  g o i n g  but


         There is no one rushing you


          I  d o n ' t  have the strength


   To do what you


o n c e  u p o n  a  t i m e  did


            But I will stand h e r e


If you decide to come back


   Ignoring my c r i e s this time to


         P l e a s e


                  D o n ' t


                           G o . . .


But you're g o n e


             And still,



I  h o l d  o n

I momentarily hope
It's a bitter taste
Sometimes when you
Find me in things

When she moves
In just the right way
To have a little,
Itty bitty, tiny
Speck of gliter
That the light hits perfectly
And it shimmers in
Your eyes for an
Agonizing moment

Or if you're enjoying
The day while playing
Like children in the grass
And you both sit up
For a moments rest,
And you catch sight of
A flower in her hair
And it takes you back to
When I was younger and
Talking through my smile
And blushing because I
Never had the nerve to
Talk to anyone else like this

Or when you sing a song
And it's really about her,
I hope it's sometimes
A little painful because
Where the **** would you
Be exactly if I never pointed
Out how you should work
For those dreams because you
Have something to be proud of?

Then when the precise moment
You decide to do the fantastic,
Great and holy 'I do', I hope you
Delicately move a hair from
Her gloriously perceived face
And scratch the **** out of it
With the claws of a monster
And you have to think, well ****,
Are the ones I believed to be
Bad for me the ones that were
Really the bad ones?

And I hope it's a hellish bitter
Taste when you inevitably
Make her cry and the stars and
Big beautiful moon are
Reflected in her oh, so perfect
Eyes and you wipe them away
Like you did when you made
Me cry because I chose you
To be the first person I
Let myself cry in front of
Willingly because I couldn't
Control my emotions until
The moment I met you and how
No ones here to wipe my tears now
Except myself because ****,
Who's human, right?
Who's perfect enough to not
Make small and gigantic mistakes?

The moon is big
And it's full,
It's the kind of moon
That lights up the whole
Place at night,
Almost like this deeper twilight
And it's beautiful in the way
It's indescribably sad
And it watches me console
My own tears and holding
Them tightly in
Is the moon leaning down
To kiss you now?
Does it wrap you up
In the warmest form of a hug?
I wish I could say
That I was asleep in the sense
Of frozen and forever
But every breath is labored
And unbelievably painful,
Every time I cry, I just keep
Crying more until my eyes burn
And my head hurts and there's
Not a single person here
To help it, to hold it until
All of this bad goes away
And I'm just talking to my
Very own moon,
The light shines but it's too far to reach and
I think death would be
Substantially better
Than this hell

This heart
Is being tore
Apart

It's a joke,
You see
Go ahead
And laugh
If you please

But am I
Not just human?
Do I not
Deserve forgiveness
Like you?

Ripped from
My sunken chest,
It hangs in
Thin air and
Illuminates in
The things
It could have
Easily been

You're the last
To know my
Graceless heart
And you will still
Be the first to know
My graceful heart

Without even
Wanting to be
A part of it but
It's life, and unlike
The things that
Controlled me
In my unpleasant past

I'll hold onto the things
You taught me and with
Everything I decide to do
The 17 year old you
Will still be there

My voice of reason
The thing I once knew
I could trust and felt like
I was something different,
Something enough