Ropes and chains
Twine and twigs
Every ounce of burden
Straining, straining
Step again, drag my feet
Too heavy, it's too heavy
Crumple like paper
Knees in the mud
Weight on my shoulders
Sinking, sinking
Shouts and screams
Fall deaf on my ear
All I've ever heard
Now as silence
Spit while I'm down
Useless, I'm useless
Selfish for want of freedom
I owe you this
You insist I owe you this
Slaves do not dream
Do not think on things
Other than the master's approval
This is what you've done
This is why I am
To serve, to serve
Faithful, without question
To validate your own life
That, you say is my purpose
I'm crawling
But you add more weight
Sinking, sinking
You tell me to stay
Trap me with your ropes and chains
I slip, you threaten
To cast me out
To wolves and beasts
And vicious criminals
To cast me out of these walls
You scream
To leave me to fend for myself
In an existence of terror
"No!" I beg, I try harder
"Please, strike again!"
I beg for the pain
The pain is love
The whip is love
The shouting is love
These walls, these chains,
Love and protection,
Protection
Tie me down
To a place of expectations
That are self serving
To a world of rules
Of certainty
I trusted you
I believed in you
Believed I was doing the right thing
Blinded by your ignorance
As you taught it to me
Trapped, trapped
I can't move
You taught me
To not want to
Those wolves,
I can hear them
Laughing behind you
Laughing is wicked
You taught me that
Laughter is delusion
Is cruel
This is real,
This is certain,
This is safe
That is what you said
I look to that laughter
In disgust
What is that garish brightness?
It must be one of their tricks,
One of their deceptions
"It is light,"
Someone calls from
Behind your wall of safety
What is light?
It must be bad
There is none here,
And things not here are not good
It must mean lies
Light must be
Deception
You hit again
For looking
I should not look
It will lead me astray
Please, let me stay I beg
But it haunts me
That curious light
I do not know what it is
You do not know what it is
I want to see
What is that light?
That star behind you
Do stars exist?
In what is that, air?
My eyes sneak past you
Past the door
You yell at me for looking
But you always yell
I don't hear
But I see
For the first time, I see
Is that green stuff on the ground?
Not mud, not unyielding stone
Something soft, something gentle
Do such things exist?
"Grass," the distant voice names
Grass… it is something
Can something so different be?
What does it do?
What is its purpose?
To serve?
"No, not to serve,"
Then what?
Why does it exist, if not to serve?
To serve…
You add more weight,
To remind me
Remind me,
Of my place
There is familiarity,
Familiarity in rock and stone
And pain
I could ask you to strike me
One more time
So I could feel the love
You taught me
That is what pain means
Grass is scary
Flowers are scary
Sun, wind, sea,
These pleasantries that are
Evil in your eyes
But they beckon to me
I shift in the mud
Of this home
Restless
Restlessness is new
Restlessness is dangerous
HALT! You do not want me
Looking that way
Halt, stay,
Obey, obey,
Head down
More weight
I don't think to question
But I look
I look to see
Something different
Something so soft,
Something so sweet
How does it taste?
How does it feel?
Like evil, you say
Like the destruction of certainty
And society
And all that makes us strong
I almost believe
You sound so sure
You taught me never to question
And for so long I knew it was right
But… that light…
I take step forward
You scream and snap your whips
Dishonor, dishonor
They are like hugs
As you have taught
Out of love
I open my mouth to ask
"Disrespect, Disrespect!"
Anger, fury
I am disobeying
I dare question,
This world you have built
Out of rules and ignorance
Another step,
The burden is slipping
Disappointment,
Disappointment
That light ahead
Feels good
Feels warm
Feels right
So strange that
There be happiness
Outside of certainty
Outside of law
"Stop stop!
I will cast you out
I will disown you
And you will never return!"
You shame me
With claims of hate
Of betrayal
I betrayed, I betrayed
Your orders
Are the orders
Of nature, you say
And I disobey them
"Betrayal, Betrayal"
But the 'wolves' say "Courage"
What is courage?
Courage is good? Or bad?
What do those smiles mean?
Can a face truly be that way?
How can this exist, if it is
Against nature
No,
It is against
Your nature
Something, something
Outside of your world
Exists
I am in awe
Fascination, imagination
There is color, there is life
All of these things I never knew
It draws me forward
This world outside of my own
Things I cannot name
Warmth and faith
"Betrayal, betrayal,"
But you
You dare not follow
You lock the gate behind me
"Never return,
Never return"
You growl,
You threaten
You turn your back on me
On one you claimed to love
Through slaps and whips
I am scared
Of not knowing
These soft colored
Blossoms
But you…
I realize,
I think,
For myself
You… you instead are afraid of knowing of them.
Your walls, I see now
I can see
Built with rules
Built with eyes closed
So you can feel safe
You protect yourself
You shut me out
I am contaminated
I am evil
I am not you,
Betrayal, Betrayal
I disappointed you
I am not welcome
There are fingers through my hand
There is softness in this touch
If pain means love, does this mean hate?
I don't understand
An embrace
This is soft
This is good
This light is the world
And to look back on yours
Yours is small, is closed, narrow
Cold and dense as stone
Unyielding, Unyielding
So small, so dark
"So safe"
You would argue
But I pity you
You feel strong
You command those beneath you
As little as they are
You feel safe
But I walk away
And see sky
See possibility
I feel fear, I feel uncertainty
But I feel freedom
I feel grass,
I feel light,
I feel love,
I feel life, I feel life.