wish I could cry
and let the sadness pass
even just one warm teardrop
furtively rolling down my cheek
just one shudder
to release and relieve
but men don't do that

cool whistling winds softly whisper
mist and drizzle invite me
dark clouds cooperate
puddles begin to splash
as rain comes to my rescue
hiding me in plain sight

thought I knew loneliness
thought I knew the emptiness
of a heart hollowed out
scooped clean like a gourd
thought I knew the numbing pang
of solitude

her face in the sky
her whisper in the wind
mist and drizzle invite me
dark clouds cooperate
let it rain, let it rain

80 proof
Clear and distilled
Your label is terrible
With a mocking bird that I slowly peel
Made of mostly water and ethanol
A taste of bitterness and nothing at all
You take my breath away as one sip after another I swallow
I chase every drink
I'm trying to drown myself as I slowly sink
I'm starting off slow but soon you quicken my pace
I want to just forget and let my thoughts be erased
It's way to heavy this burden I carry
Way too much for only me to handle
So I let you burn and sting
Until hopefully I won't feel a thing
I'm craving numbness from everything in my mind
Take me to any other place in time
I want you to take a firm hold and float me over
Just let me spin as you pull me under
Make it all hazy so I don't feel so crazy
You and a cigarette right now my only friends
The only thing making me feel somewhat good again
So it's just you and me with some brisk ice tea and
cigarette smoke blowing in the cold night breeze
But are you really my friends or just a couple foes?
The only thing I got right now
And yet I still feel so alone
I just want to feel nothing at all
Torn right down the middle
Sitting dead center of this worn out saddle
Baring down so I don't hit the ground
It hurts now but I know it's going to hurt worse in the end
There's no soft place for me to land
And the physical pain doesn't scare me at all
It's the emotional part that is taking it's toll
I can't feel my mouth or find my voice
But inside I'm screaming out so loud
My eyes start to sting and my ears start to ring
I'm dizzy and the ambiance around me feels so fuzzy
My mind is dealing but my thoughts are reeling out of control
Why can't I just make a decision
Responsibility is killing my way of living
I don't want this
It hurts too much
And I'm slowly loosing touch
This is all too real and I don't know how I'm suppose to feel
I wish this life would cut me some slack or make me a deal
I'm sad and mad all at the same time
I can't make sense of the thoughts in my mind
I can't keep a grip on my emotions or self
And I'm running out of time to figure this out
Do I keep you or let you go?
Reality is really taking it's toll
And I don't know how much more strength I have left
I'm just ready to find myself some rest
So I'll drink you in and not spit you out
But it's hard to keep any faith when all I have are doubts?
How do I remain centered and tied down?
I can't do this any longer
So I'll let you take over and pull me under,
I'll let you drown me as I give up all my self control
And remain with all these questions but answers still unknown...
You know what...?
I just realized that...
You haven't helped me figure out anything at all!
© Ashley Rodden. All rights reserved

Who are my characters? John Prat or Marvin Prat. John Ector or Marvin Ector. Then there is Mrs. Valdez and Autumn. Who are they in relation to John and Marvin? What do you want your characters to show? Who are they? Are they funny? Comical? Tragic? What? What do they want? I want them showing me. I want them as extensions of me. I want to take everything I have learned and put them into my characters. They are facets of my imagination combined into one giant ball, clusterfuck and **** of people that is my life. I want them to display my hatred. My disheveled hair. My looks. I want them to be oddly reminiscent of my family and my personal life. I want them to ignore their own feelings and not be happy. I want them to be happy. I want them to love and cry and weep and feel pain. I want the world to hate them and I want them to hate themselves, I want the world to love them and I want them to love themselves. I want them to fall from grace. I want them to fall down so many times and be on the verge of not picking themselves up. To say **** this  I'm done with it all. I want them rejected and rejected and rejected and keep losing. I want them to win. I want them to destroy themselves. I want them to create themselves. I want them to create their own world filled with imagination. I want to **** them. I want them bleeding and bruised. I want them to end up homeless on the street with nowhere to go with needles sticking out of their veins. I want them to find god. I want them crawling through a river of **** and coming out clean on the other side. I want them to enjoy the little things and hate the little things. I want them to come to life. But ultimately I want them to make me cry. I want them to touch something inside of me that laid dormant for years. I want them to understand and feel my pain and empathize with me like no one has. I want myself in these pages. These sticky pages that combine to make a story.

I'm a cool cat
Who likes to ****
The smooth jazz
That dances off my pen
Compliments
The 'garette I smoke

The dance of pen to pad
The movement
The shake
Rumble
Makes my fingers snap
And my feet tap.

He opens his Star Wars: A New Hope lunch box
Inside a hippies dream.
**** in baggies that have the superman symbol
And Batman symbol on them
Tabs of LSD
And molly.
Hunter S. Thompson would have a field day

©Gambit '13

she came over last night
wearing a blue plaid shirt
sleeves rolled up and tails out
bustline buttons barely hanging on
squeezed into painted on pants
as usual
it had been some time
hadn’t heard from her in a while
we made a decision
then lost touch
so good to see her again
to lock eyes like we used to
brown peering into brown
then slow dancing till dawn
in my dimly lit bedroom
with curtains blowing soft in summer breezes
our legs interlaced
feeling my blood up on her hip
and  my knee between her thighs
while rocking side to side
two-stepping to the music
holding her close like this
her warm ******* full up on me
remembering everything we ever had
the moment frozen as the earth stood still
*** wasn’t imminent this time
because I knew it wasn’t real
it was just a memory
holding her close like this
and waking up knowing
this was the final goodbye

sometimes I get lonely
in a world that can’t or won’t slow down
insulated by the angry walls I construct
isolated by the speed of things
voices speaking quickly
echoing the same words
in the exact same way
expecting different results
repetitions rudeness assumes, “You heard me!”

sounds and verbiage bouncing off walls
severing the links in concentration’s chain
classrooms, lecture halls and dinner parties
rendered like rumble in underground parking lots
pushing me into a hermit’s darkness
within a crowd of people
somedays the mountains call to me
and I want to go live in a cave
with no one to talk to but my echo

the buzz of memories ringing in my tinnitus
echoes from the past
a straight pin dropping
my old alarm clock’s siren
freeway traffic’s rush on the day
they yanked the tubes from my ears
first, third, fifth would have been so cool
instead, three dis-chord-ant tones reverberating in my head
constantly confuse my comprehension

echo is my frenemy
always close by
but laying in wait
like a shadow standing in the window

Late last night
in a crumpled bed
all my courage gone
when my dreams all fled
you were on my mind
as if you were here
though I reached for you
you were nowhere near.

Rain upon my window,
rain within my heart
makes me weak to wonder
have we grown apart?
Will this coming morning
bring you back to me?
Or will a misty daylight
tell me: "You are free"?

Soft the rain is falling
as I think of you
sweet caressing outlines
of the one I knew.
Will you still remember?
In my heart you stole
bringing life and meaning
to my very soul.

Still, the words unspoken
but actions did approach,
commitments never given
with nothing to reproach
I turned and said my prayer
forgiveness in my heart
and wished you new beginnings
with love if we should part.

It must have been while thinking
that sleep at last won out
and sometime in these hours
I woke and looked about
the clouds had all departed
a sunrise morning's day
beside me you just whispered
"I'm here, my love, to stay."

J. Sandy

my inspiration
      and worldly alligation

      seems gone
like a vivid eluscation

       writings in thin air
                as mindful retardation

slivered like a broken mirror
     of lost fantastication

my mind feels empty
    my mind feels blank
        like bound for a fall

        my body feels drained
           like sunk in a tank
             of nothing at all