where my heart felt the most protected,
where the basis of my happiness lies?
you once became that.
with that crooked tooth of yours,
as well as that easily noticeable scar under your lip?
your face had became favourite art piece...
until that one day.
until that one time when feeling you sent shivers down my spine.
the bad kind, by the way.
a strange volta, but yes, you then became this too!
from being the epitome of my happiness,
to being the root of my suicidal thoughts.
are you aware that you were once everything to me?
does it not move you the same way you moved in slow, rhythmic movements whilst you murdered my dignity & everything in between?
do you even care?
do I continue to blame you or was it me who was at fault... dear lover?
I could never say
if I felt it out of habit,
or just as a defence mechanism.
I could never distinguish
if this boiling, bone-breaking, breathtaking feeling
was just fear or the habit thereof.
I could never elaborate on the why's or the how's,
all I could do thereof was to claim it.
ironically referring to it as mine...
belonging to my heart.
being a part of my being!
was this out of habit
or the fear of what I'd be if it didn't relentlessly reside within me?
was it out of habit
that even before I felt it, I'd prepare profusely for how to deal with it?
is this really fear
or the habit of feeling it every time I achieve something?
nor doubts you...
yes, you are deserving.
and I hope this becomes your daily wholesome serving!
I pray gratitude overflows from your heart
the same way His mercy overflows over your soul.
He chooses you,
when you doubt yourself.
He ties your laces
the same way the orthodontist ties your braces.
you always beam with perfection,
in his perception.
your good heart is his satisfaction.
hope you never forget this admiration!
WHEN YOU ARE IN A DOUBT,
DON'T WAIT,U SPEAK IT OUT!
from as far back as she can remember,
it has always been there.
as if she conceived, carried and birthed it,
it was always in the air.
indescribable and unbearable,
she knew she had to let it go.
numbing and draining,
she knew she wasn't going to survive.
but who does she tell
when she doesn't even know what it is.
how does she walk away
when its claws are hellbent on gripping onto her heart?
often she'd "find love",
or so she thought.
or even worse,
she'd search for love.
love would chuckle
then send her into a state of pain.
crying became her religion
and the box of Kleenex besides her lamp her bible.
she never stopped searching
because to her if it wasn't love that she needed then it was approval.
approval from the world;
approval from someone!
that too wasn't the answer,
she lost her willpower one night;
she wasn't searching anymore.
she finally realised that all her life she was fighting,
fighting for something she didn't need to fight for.
it finally dawned upon her
that what she was feeling was a void.
a void constructed from and perpetuated by self-doubt,
and the never ending need of acceptance from others.
a void that can only be filled by self-love,
acceptance and the maturity of understanding that she doesn't need to be perfect! Ever !
you don't get it.
you will never get it.
you saved me.
resurrected my hope.
brown skin , brown my colour now.
pride resides in me.
pride to have you as mine.
a dream, is what they have to look like.
far out of my reach and your reach.
inflicting pain like a spike.
a concept you and I both teach.
a hug here.
a smile to a stranger.
too much for us, we fear.
I fight it like a ranger.
why be simple,
if I can complicate it?
smile and show a dimple,
if I can be as extra as a slit?
the overrated gestures.
a compliment and little banter,
some love to close the heart's satures.
a simple life,
with the simple things.
all I wish upon those who deserve to strive.
simplicity and prosperity being melodies your heart sings.