I hardly ever make any sense but that is because I am not trying to
I don't want to be the reason that she has been lied to
I won't be a second choice
I won't be a choice at all
I am not meat or an outfit at the mall
I will not fit you seasonally
I won't stay just because you want to be with me
You aren't needing me
It makes no sense to keep me sticking around if all you are doing is dicking around with ******* and hoes who have nothing

I have much to say but little courage
To get out the bed and write
I have curled up in fetal position
I have sweated all night
I asked to be saved and He did just that
I didn't think you'd be gone though
I didn't do the math
You showed me love
You showed me care
The very least I could've done was be there
I am so sorry that life turned out this way
I am so sorry about this life, love.
You deserved so much more

you couldn't walk with me but I can see that you walk with her
I hope that she can teach you something I hope that you can learn
How to treat a woman and how not to burn
the people who loved you before
the people who have given more
than what they give themselves and what they give their families
I hope she gives you the strength to do better you'd think
that you would know by now but it is over
there are times where i think you are changed but it is over

If I had a chance to sing or to dance I would choose neither because you aren't in my hands

If I had to choose to love or to lose I'd love with all my might if it meant that I could find you

If I had to leave the US and live alone, I'd do that in a heart beat as long as you'll stay my home

I am going to write about you until I can't anymore
All I can think about is the negative person that you are
The jealous rat that seems to hide behind these big brown eyes
We are all so terrified
If we leave it up to you then nothing would be done
So you take mindless orders from everyone
You think that it's normal
It is not
You lay and watch and clean all day as if it's the only thing you know how to do
As if that is the definition of you

Should I apologize for hurting you?
The truth
I hurt you first
You hurt me first
I did not communicate it so you never knew
I felt as if you were fake but then you fought
That is what made you worthy
You stayed and that is what made you worthy
You are gone now
You are still worthy in my eyes

If I can't hold your hand
I will write to you here
you were so special my Brittany dear
your life was a mess but that is ok because your spirit was so rich and beautiful and loving
People treated you mean
People threw hate
I am sorry that you had to live life that way
You are still my sister no matter where you have gone and I still miss you
I will forever sing your song
I love you sister
So so much

I'm not human, I was built more beautifully
The arrogance the confidence the stability
It is all we want it is what we all need

It’s almost like my heart has eyes
Big huge eyes with no lashes
And dark rings that surround them
With no lips or ears so the senses are limited
It’s like the only thing my heart can do is look around like it has lost its shoes
Or keys
Or remote
Or almost anything
It’s like my heart can no longer sing

Okay now let's talk about the happy things
getting a job
Driving a car
Having everything baby needs
In the moment yes we are doing fine
Building a great future takes some time
Going back to school
New shoes
Good food
New country music
The fresh air
A shower every night and morning
The netflix options when things get boring

I am fully aware that I need to let out my energy into the arts that I create
I am a woman of many talents and it's starting to eat me alive
I can not survive
if I continue to deprive
my body of what it longs for the most
and that is love and art
My baby's father
He is the one who made things harder
I still love him and I know he loves me but together would do us no good like salt and tea

Everything is okay
It is okay to be okay
Just breathe and let it stay
Because for once, everything is okay

What's worse than saying bad words? Saying you'll write a poem a day and forgetting you even said it.
Writing an email before you've even eaten your breakfast.
Stepping outside feeling and looking far too comfortable.
Feeling far too groggy
Looking like a straight *** when it is foggy.
You do want more for yourself and you will get that.
You will get everything you need but you just have to say it.
You have to think it before you can even say it.
I has to become a routine.
I has to be your everything.
You have to do everything that you said you are going to do
Because who you are is way more than what you are letting yourself become
You have got to be better than anyone who has ever doubted you
You have got to brush them off like tell them to shoo

You shame me in public
You think it's funny
It's not funny
You remind me of a child reaching for the candy on the top shelf
You'll never reach it so you call out for help
And this makes me angry
Because if I don't help you, you shame me
All I can ever think about is all the times that you have played me
You can't keep a woman for ****
You can't hold down ****
You leave her the responsibilities even if she's going through it
I feel sorry for the next woman you end up with

Pushed myself in the small dark hole
Only to feel safe
No sound
No light
So comfortable
I take cover

I just cried so much
Sometimes I won't eat because I'm wrapped up in thought
Every now and then I have no one to call
I think of all the good things this life has and I keep smiling
I have to hang on
What will keep me going?
Maybe a sharpened pencil when there is no sharpener
A glass of milk with a large piece of yellow cake and chocolate frosting
Having a mattress on the floor instead of blankets
Having your hand to hold when it 40 degrees out
I think of all the great things and it's hard to complain
Maybe that's why I started writing again

You are my home and everything inside of you is so amazing it is so beautiful
Your hair is so golden so thin and so soft
Your eyes are a deep soft blue pulling me into your world that no one else has got to experience
I got the chance to have you and I know that we may not be together forever but what I do know is, is that I want your kids I want your soft hands on me too
I want your love
I want you boo

I have to write a poem because you are a stupid man and honestly you will never be able to understand I have so much hate towards the things that I should I gave you so much love and if you never left there's no doubt I'd stop that I wouldn't

four seasons to go through.
four children to care for.
four figures a year
wendy's 4 for 4

I remember your little lungs struggling so hard to breathe
You were brand new, a few days, in fact three
You let it be known that you were hungry and wanted to cuddle you wanted to hold me
I was up all night making sure you were still breathing
Protecting that sweet smile from evil
That is all I did and will continue to do
You love me and I love you

Merry Christmas
Today life taught me that life is really what you make it!
If you maintain a positive attitude then you will live a positive life
Lying to yourself is not an exception
Giving is very important
Try not to take so much
Use your manners
Eat to make yourself full this holiday season
Do not hold back

You left me
I need you
I felt like I wasn't enough for you
You showed me that I was everything and you adored me
How hard was it to be left alone
How hard was it to leave this earth alone
I wanted to be there and at least hold your hand
Maybe sit with you
Pray by you
To feel your warmth one more time
To feel you take in your last breath
How could this world be so cruel to you
Your heart filled every room with sun
Your soul still speaks
You are still my everything

I needed an outlet
So I sit to write
Will I educate myself on these poem lines?
The veins in my hands are more aggressive than ever
These headaches won't leave
My eyebrows are not groomed
The lump in my skin is growing
The baby is too
I have this new job pushing shoes
Selling them and buying them too
I need more money
I will soon start school
Does anyone write this way anymore
Will I learn the right way before...

Who are your friends?
That is who you are
Who do you want to be in your life?
Who do you want to stand up and fight
For you?
For what you believe in
Who can you rely on when you are grieving ?
Ask yourself who is there for you when you can not bend over and tie your own shoe
Ask who feeds you when there is no food on the shelf
When there is no shelf
When there is no bed
When there is no ceiling above your head when you are sleeping at night
Who is there to hold you tight?

I did not believe in love
I do not
I have many thoughts
I am not me lately
I want to be someone else
Anyone but me
This pain aches every day
I won't let myself pass away
I miss you sister and I need you
You taught me more about womanhood than any other and now
I need you more than ever
Please
I would say please come back but
I do not want that to happen
I know you are more safe than you have ever been
Perhaps you ended up in heaven
I can only hope for the best for you
You were my sister and my best friend too
I love you lots and I need you so much
I need you so much

To become more grounded
To become better
To become greater
To become amazing
More than what I already am
Meeting a much greater person than myself
Someone who has what I lack
Someone who is not breathing down my back
Thinking of the future
Making the future
Not being trapped
Not being dumb
Not giving into anyone

You are so jealous it's sad
You take the best idea of hers and make it your own
You make everyone around you feel great
Because you would do anything to keep a smile on their face
It is not necessarily a bad thing
It isn't a great thing either
See you bribe them into believing that you are superior
You make them fall in love with your so called kind heart
But in reality you just do not want to be left in the dark
No one really likes you and no one really cares
But when it comes down to it
You'd say you're being fair

The feeling just keeps creeping in and I can't seem to clear my head
it's not my fault and it's not yours either and I no longer want to play the blame game. I just want to dance and smell the flowers and I want to sing for hours
without interruption.

I'm tired of my mind being poisoned. I need a cleanse and I want to feel better about myself. I need this now more than ever. The trees aren't as green as they used to be. My smile isn't as bright. My love hides in the dark and my heart feels tight. I can't move sometimes and it's hard to learn without forgetting. It's hard to be happy with these circumstances and I wish I would have passed all my classes.

Maybe in you would've succeeded if you were still in school. Maybe you'd smile longer if the world wasn't so cruel. I feel the weight of the world and I do not want this. I want to be free. Free of pain and sadness. Free of mishaps.

What my family doesn't know is that I love photography and videography
I'm a painter, a poet, and I love to dance
They are unaware of how well I can sing and how much I love making music
They sigh at my presence as if I'm the one who murdered someone
As if I am the one who walked out when times got hard
They look at me and think "how broken."
I just wish they could see the light on the other side
It's okay to just be and thrive
It's okay to live a free life
They will never understand what it's like to crave true freedom
I will never get these years back from trying to please them
I will have to move forward into the blue
Where the sun shines on the horizon and the mountains kiss the stars
Where the sand gets stuck in every crevice
Where my hair seems to wash itself
And the wind gives a natural blowout
What a blessing it is to be alive
To feel this good again before I die
My family will never know my secret
It's true freedom that keeps me breathing

Let's not forget the way I went homeless
The way I starved day in and day out
How I feared that I wasn't making enough milk for my growing boy
Let us remember the way the cars honked as I walked by with my stroller
The way heads turned to judge and not to help
Let us all know that this was hell
Let us never go back to feeling that low again
Let it never happen
Let it never happen
Let it never happen

I don't like how my face changes when I am in love
You would think that it would look as if it's full of stars
Filled with the shine of the moon
Filled with the summer breeze in June
Nothing will ever make me fully love you
How can I change so much
How can my body change so much so that I don't recognize me
Why would you ever lie and say that you ever wanted me
I feel like leaving but my heart says stay
I don't know where to go but I can't rely on you to pave the way
I can't even see myself when I look in the mirror
I can't even hear myself when you are near
I hope I get the chance to ask myself, "What was I doing here?"