delilah

delilah May 2021

crying all the time sets me apart from from you & her
you only cry when something really bad happens
or you want me to feel really bad for how i react
and my mom only cries when she's really mad
or on the off occasion i catch her breaking down

you've always been quick to smother me when i cry
not with love but meaningless gifts
my mother always says i'm too sensitive when i cry
when really she means i'm too much like you
and maybe i am "too sensitive"
but i don't just cry for the lowest lows like you two

i cry every time i watch a movie
i cry every time i laugh a little too long
i cry every time i'm overwhelmed
i cry every time i erupt into anger
sometimes i cry just for the hell of it

i cry all the time and that used to embarrass me
but i've grown to realize that's what sets me apart from you & her
that's what makes me better that you & her
i show every emotion with the prettiest tears

delilah Mar 2021

lol

i don't wear your clothes because i miss you
a fit is a fit
and i look **** good in it

delilah Mar 2021

growing up ***** and i'm only 20

growing up ***** for many reasons
one that breaks my heart more and more everyday
is realizing my parents are not the monolithic people i've always seen them as
as a child it was easy to be hurt
to be mad at my mom for her mistakes
to be sad about my dad's short-comings
and then i grew to understand that their personal trauma and triumphs permeated every part of their parenting
and when i was younger it was easy to be hurt
now being hurt feels juvenile

delilah Mar 2021

0_0

can you tell my mother loved the way I cried as a child?
can you tell my father loved how few and far between my words were?
can you tell i was loved for all the things i couldn't help?
that being loved felt like being mocked
when you look at who i am today
can you see the child i tried so desperately not to be?

delilah Feb 2021

thanks dad

my father taught me love is conditional
that you can stop loving the people you promised the world to
that you can pack away their things as though they never occupied your heart
that you can go through the daily motion without thinking of them
that you can fill their seat at the dinner table with someone else
that you can carry on with the holidays as though no one is missing
that you can give up

my father taught me you can say i love you & goodbye without missing a beat

i haven't had dinner with brother in months
he's not dead
but he might as well be to my dad

delilah Nov 2020

i never liked you

you always manage to make an appearance when i'm at my lowest
offering me a chance to abandon my real troubles
you may think i was so desperately in love with you
but i made a papier-mâché heart for you to tear apart
i willingly handed you a knife to tear into the layers
i gladly bared my chest so you wouldn't miss
i smiled with tear stained cheeks as you
time & time again
pierced me with declarations of love

i never loved you
i never even liked you
i just liked to way you knew just how to hurt me
when i couldn't bring myself to do it

delilah Oct 2020

rise & fall

i am living for the sun and moon
and all the other things that will continue to rise and fall
when i can no longer fall from swings in empty parks
or raise my arms to race down makeshift slides
or fall on the track chasing around cats
or raise my voice to meet yours
or fall into fits of laughter
or raise my head to the stars
when i can no longer get out of bed
when i can't fall any further
the sun will still rise and fall
with the moon close behind
and so i'll live for the all things that will continue
when i no longer can

10-28-20