Like the salty breeze
You and your cigarette smoke
Invaded my air
Visions of blue and grey
Sweep my mind blank
I look down to your fingers
Clutching your cross
Teasing god
Along with my thoughts
I whisper your name
Over and over
Like a forgotten rose
I feel your bitter thorns
Bruise my skin
But I let them ***** me again
Hoping that the same breeze that
Brought you to me
Will have the decency to
Let you stay

August 4th, 1992
That night
My heart began beating
To the rhythm of
Two words
Samantha Shea
My baby girl
She was 9 pound 6 ounces
Of pure love and joy

Her mother’s eyes
My ears
But her smile
Was all her own
She seemed almost wise
Just staring blankly back
At me
Like she knew me
Better than I knew myself
I have never loved anyone
So much

I tried to give her all I could
Make her feel like a real princess
Make her feel safe
And loved
She grew up with things
Her mother and I
Only dreamed of as children
But she was never selfish
Never unkind

I never knew
How much she hated herself
Until I noticed that her arms
Made her look like war veteran
And her eyes
Like those of a ghost
A lost soul wandering around
Lost and Suffering

Could it be that hard
To be a teenage girl
Could it be that hard
To have everything
Handed to you
Everyone love you

That night I saw her as
Nothing but selfish and unkind
I mean how could she do this to us
To herself
I looked her in the eyes and asked
Why
With a single tear running down her face
Resembling a winter’s first snowflake
Or a desert’s first raindrop
She let out the words
“I wasn’t meant for this world”
No you were meant for me
You are my world

I wanted to wipe her tears
And heal her scars
Her years of fear and self-loathing
Was no match for my love
My compassion
My understanding

I spent the next two weeks
Helpless, lost, and confused
By the time we had found her
The bath water was as cold as my heart
The floor stained with drops of
Complete sadness
No note
I cried until I was
Red in my face and
Blue in my heart

A parent should never
Have to bury their child
So we had her cremated
We figured that
She spent 16 years
Stuck in her own box
She shouldn’t have to be
Buried in one

I’ve never loved anyone
So much

Don't tell me
that I'm beautiful
because beautiful people
don't sit in their rooms every night
wondering if anyone cares about them

Don't tell me
that I have pretty eyes
because all I use them for is crying
the bloodshot red overcomes the blue-grey
and shows the weakness

Don't tell me
that I'm not fat
because when I look in the mirror
all I see is my flabby body
and the abhorrent imperfections

Don't tell me
that my scarred skin is fine
because all I see are flaws in my growth
and stretch marks are the reason
for my tiresome adolescence

Don't tell me
that people love me
because loved people don't stand in the corner at parties
wanting it to all be over
because they aren't good enough

Don't tell me
that I am lovely
because lovely people
don't push the ones that mean the most to them
onto a boat, out to sea

Run the shower
I need to wash off the memories

your touch still imbibed in my skin
from your embrace
your gentle caress
your beautiful scent

I'm so in love with you
but you're the forbidden fruit
that I cannot possess

I wish you could guide me in the darkness
to the light at the end
but I will stay inside this cave

I wish you could stop running marathons
in my head
and come back beside me instead

whilst I've been planting trees
you set alight to my forest

you've been travelling my world
whilst I've been locked away

run the shower
because I need to wash away your ghost