This story
Is not just mine
To tell
It’s a kaleidoscope
Of colors
And words
That not even
Time
Could write

There are no stars
In my night view
Only departing planes
Which remind me of you

Leaving me
Something you did well
Unsure of your destination
I guess time will tell

The light ascends
Until I no longer see
Darkness remains
To comfort me

The engines roar
Deep into the night
As I weep alone
Missing my flight

I don’t know
I pretend I do
I act like I got this
As my knees knock
And my tummy turns

Fake it til you make it
That’s what I know
Slap a smile on
And cry in the dark

Put on a show
Bring out the dogs and ponies
Fall apart later
When you’re all alone

Big girls don’t cry
**** it up buttercup
You got this
Until you don’t.

It scares me
How easy
It would be
letting go
The end
But the
aftermath
Holds me
Still
I’m more
Than me
People
Who care
I can’t
Be the cause
Of their
Sadness
I’ll pretend
I’m ok
Until the end

Rain already!
Let it go
Stop holding back
The inevitable
I’m waiting
Palms ups
To feel you
To be engulfed
Cleansed
Of the sins
I never committed

We are
Skin on skin
Whispered words
Hard kisses
Gentle strokes
Urgent needs
Swelling desire
Hands in hair
Desperate pleas
Tangled sheets
Arching hips
Lip biting
Perfect rhythm
Sweat dripping
Eyes closed
Sweet release
Perfect end

I’m not
That girl
Who goes
Quietly
You can
Bet your ***
There is
Gonna be
A Ruckus

I hate how
You rush over me
With your heaviness
That I can’t resist

I hate how
You swallow me
In your blanket
That comforts me

I hate how
You linger inside me
With your promises
That make me hope

I hate lonely
I feel panic
And stress
As if something
Should happen

I like alone
I feel peace
And relief
As if nothing
Should happen

We’re skipping stones
On still waters
That might
Be better left alone

We’re replaying songs
For our needy souls
That know
The words by heart

We’re catching glances
Of subtle signs
That possibly
Know the way

We’re easy times
Of years gone by
That familiarness
Never fades

We’re hopeful souls
Of our imperfect world
That maybe
Someday is our day

I’m lonely.  
Not for you
As you’ve
Moved on
But for
Someone
Who cares
A kind word
A gentle touch
A knowing glance
I’m not good
All alone
I need
Someone
And your
Not here

Tonight
There is
A lone star
Mocking me
To make
A wish
I’m ignoring
His twinkle
In the dark
Because
I know
He won’t
Deliver

Stupid girl
No one cares
Your troubles
Are your own

Stupid girl
No one knows
Your alone
all by yourself

Stupid girl
No ones coming
Your strength
Is all you have

Stupid girl
Stop trying
To be
What you aren’t

Stupid girl
Stop believing
You are
Good enough

Stupid girl
Stop pretending
It matters
That you exist

Stupid girl
Stop wanting
All the things
You’ll never get

I want
To feel
Permanent
As if
My time
Mattered
To someone
Or something
Greater
Than me
I need this
Longevity
Be it physical
Part emotional
Maybe chemical
Possibly spiritual
I’m not choosy
Just a legacy
Of me

You get to be
The one who
Walks away
Unharmed
Behind you
Bombs exploding
Lives ending
You’ve no time
For looking back
Not your problem
You said goodbye
Dusted off your hands
Your life moves on.

No!
I scream
As my finger
Lingers over
His name

Don’t!
I cry
As I type
Words that
I shouldn’t say

Stop!
I beg
As I push
The button
You can’t rescind

Sorry!
I cry
As I apologize
To the one
Who no longer cares

I’m that girl
Battered
And broken
But still standing

I’m that girl
Lost
And abandoned
But still hoping

I’m that girl
Shredded
And struggling
But still trying

I’m that girl
Left
And all alone
But still hopefull

I’m that girl
stubborn
And strong
And still thriving

I’m prickly
The hairs on end
The senses alerted

I’m present
The bases loaded
The blade ready

I’m *******
The ending is known
The cut waiting

I’m released
The pain a savior
The scar a reminder

I miss the early us
Where our clothes
Hit the floor
Before our eyes met

I miss the early us
Where we expected
Nothing but
Before the truths surfaced

I miss the early us
Where mornings
We’re lazy
Before days changed us.

I miss the early us
Where dreams existed
In our heads
Before reality set it

I miss you
The us we were
The man
I knew

Life moved
Now you are you
The man
I don’t know

Now I mourn
Our past
The man
I lost

Time evolves
You fade away
The man
I loved

I can’t do this
All the roles
The provider
The worker
The care giver
The teacher
The cook
The cleaner
The support
The disciplinarian
The shoulder
The comedic relief

But I’ll do it
Because I’m the mom

Whose the fool
The one who follows
Or the one who runs?

Whose mislead
The one who accepts
Or the one who bucks?

Whose scared
The one who knows
Or the one who hopes?

Whose finished
The one who believes
Or the one who accepts?

I am alone
For the first time
In along time
There’s no one but me

I am scared
For thoughts run rampant
In this space
There’s no one but me

I am weak
For surrender brings peace
In this moment
There’s no one but me

I am searching
For shards of hope
In this life
There’s no one but me

I am ok
For strength unknown
Inside my being
There’s no one but me

There will be a day
When you no longer matter

There will be a day
When I dont cry over you

There will be a day
When I forget what we were

There will be a day
When someone cares for me

There will be a day
When you aren’t my first thought

There will be a day
When I breathe without ache

There will be a day
When I break free

There will be a day
Where I no longer love you

Your words
Were unexpected
Thinking of me?

My guard
Was deployed
Thinking of me?

Your prose
So casual
Thinking of me?

My breath
On hold
Thinking of me?

Your play
Not working
Thinking of me?

My resistance
On point
Don’t think of me.

This fire
Rages inside me

It is placated
But not satisfied

It is captive
But not contained

It is strong
But not unbeatable

It’s is wild
But not untamed

It is fierce
But not unkind

It is guarded
But not blocked

This fire
Inside me

I’m lonely
Though I’m not alone

I’m lost
Though I don’t wander

I’m sad
Though I’m smiling

I’m needy
Though I have enough

I’m angry
Though I’m calm

I’m done
Though I am beginning.

From the scars
On my thighs
To the thoughts
And the sighs
To the nights
That I’ve cried
To the people
That I’ve lied
To the smile
I’ve perfected
My secret shield
I’m always protected
To my wish
For the end
A silent plea
That I send
To the pain
That I hold
To a life
Never told
To the reader
Of theses words
Please know
Your voice has been heard

Tonight
There will be
Too much wine
As I wonder
How I became
This girl

Tonight
There will be
Too many tears
As I reflect
How this happened
To me

Tonight
There will be
Too much pain
As I cry
Over this sadness
I feel

Tonight
There will be release
Too much emotion
As I cut
And release the pain
To set me free

It’s too soon
To open our cages
And let us roam
Freely around

Our lessons
Are not yet learned
And we aren’t
Thinking sound

We feel trapped
Instead of safe
And we don’t want
To be homeward bound

Yet if we look
Into the future
Will know too late
When we aren’t found

I hate the way
You left me
On a Sunday
With no call

You disrupted dreams
With a preposter
Who wasn’t
You at all

I was left
To grieve alone.
My tears fell
I hit a wall

You said eternity
Which wasn’t true
Now I’m sad

The line is thin
I walk it nonchalantly
As if I don’t care
Secretly I do

The bridge is high
I dangle carelessly
As if I’m not scared
Maybe I am

The end is close
I tease it unknowingly
As if I know
Truthfully I don’t

The day is long
I fake my way through
As if I’ll be here
Probably I won’t

How do you not
Love me
I gave my all
I was perfect
Totally
On point
But you
Walked
You were
Done
Despite
My best effort
To hold
You here
I’m n my gaze
Unbelievable
That you are
Dane

My words
Are nothing more
Than wine filled
Ramblings
From a heart
Broken
Beyond repair
Take them
As they are
Full of hurt
And longing
And wishes
For a happy ending
That won’t come
Because
Everything moves on
Except me
And my heart
We hold steadfast
To a past
That no longer exists
To anyone
But me

Disdain
Boils in my blood
How does he
Not sense it
When he walks into the room?

Hatred
Oozes out my pores
How does he
Not taste it
When his lips are on my forehead?

Numbness
Keeps me still
How does he
Not feel it
When he holds me in his arms?

Contempt
Fills me now
How does he
Not know this
After all that we've been through?

I’m broken
The pieces
Are far too much
To put together

I’m lost
The distance
Is far beyond
A compass direction

I’m destroyed
The fallout
Is to widespread
For any hope

I’m alone
The aftermath
Is not you concern
For you are gone

Imperfect
My skin
Is too soft
My body
Not tight

Unwanted
The flaws
Are too much
For you
To ignore

Rejected
My insides
Don’t make up
For what the outside
Lacks

You left
In an array
Of words
That penetrated
My skin
Like bullets
Leaving wounds
In my soul

I’ll date
A thousand men
Until I find one
That makes me
Forget you

It’s been awhile
But tonight
I was lingering
On the edge
Biting nails
Chewing my lip
Begging
For release
There he was
On the nightstand
Ready for me
Hungry for flesh
To relieve
The pressure
To feel
The physical
And forgo
The emotional
My friend
And adversary
In this
Twisted game.

Months
And I am still
Grieving
We had
This amazing
Story
And you fell
And I fell
Way too fast
I gave all
You gave some
I was scared
You pulled back
I never stopped
You did
Or so you say
I’m in ruins
You exist.
This is us

It’s ok
That you forgot
I’m used
To it

I’m fine
All alone
I’m used
To it

It’s good
In the silence
I’m used
To it

It’s life
Not my choice
I’m used
To it

We are in a place
That can’t be named
For our past
Might define us

We were lovers
From the start
Needy souls
Who wanted to feel

We became friends
Who walked
Hand in hand
Thru the rocks

We went our ways
Suffered silently
With understanding
That life moves on

Now we are
In a time
That’s undefined
But feels so right

Wednesday’s child
Destined for woe
It’s the only life
You’ll ever know

Your fate was sealed
The day you were born
Sad or sadder
You are always torn

You weep when happy
And cry when sad
You tears flow freely
Even when your mad

You wear your heart
Out on your sleeve
You give all you have
And they still leave

Your alone in the world
You know your role
Escape with minimal damage
That’s your goal

What is it
That made me
Love you
I lowered my defenses

What is it
That held me
Steadfast in you
I lost myself

What is it
That sustains me
Content in love
I let go of fear

What is it
That knows already
Forever isn’t ours
I retreat in fear

What is it
That I can’t move on
Your words hurt
I still love you

There aren’t words
Or phrases  
To describe
What the
Bloodletting
Releases

There aren’t people
Or persons
To eleaveate
What the
Needle
Eases

There are no programs
Or self helps
To lighten
What the  
Cut
Resolves

There is nothing
Or hope
To save
What the
Mark
Leaves behind

I miss you
At the oddest
Times

When the rain starts to fall

When I hear a ***** joke

When the cup of coffee is perfect

When the beer is cold

When the night is lonely

When the day is hard

When my heart hurts

When I realize the emptiness

Your love left

When we were 17
You didn’t notice me

When we were 17
You were awkward

When we were 17
I was chubby

When we were 17
We worked together

When we were 50
You found me

When we were 50
You put me on a pedestal

When we were 50
You fell in love with me

When we were 50
You were my best friend

When we were 50
You broke my heart

When we were 50
You moved on

When we were 50
I still felt 17