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Beth Decisions Jul 2016
Everything about who I am is dissolving and forming into someone new.
I'm letting go of my past.
Embracing the future with an open hand.
I love the life I've lived.
The friends I've had for years.
However if I keep caring on the way I am;
I will no longer be alive to write these words I so often do.
I'm starting new.
I'm going to leave those who doubt me stuck in disbelief.
This is my oath to myself.
It's time for change.
It's time to say goodbye.
I'm ready to begin the next chapter of my life.
I'm ready to be free of heartbreaking memories.
This is my new beginning.
For now on the girl I was will be buried in the ashes of what she once loved.
Beth Decisions Jul 2017
Stay by my side.
Don't let go for a second.
I can't imagine life without you again.
Just lay here a while longer.
Let's hold off on this ending as long as possible.
This isn't the last time I'll see you.
I just refuse to wait any longer for the next.
We belong at each other's sides.
Why does distance have to make love so hard?
Beth Decisions Jul 2015
I put your shirts away.
The one that always smells like you.
The ones that I claimed as mine.
My shirts of yours that I love so much.
I still can't stop myself from wearing that necklace you got me.
The one for my birthday.
From when we were just friends.
I can't bear to be away from it.
I still wear all the clothes your mom bought me or your sister gave me.
All the cute new tops.
And old ripped jeans.
I still stare at the stars.
I get sad at all the things we smiled about.
I still think all the things I would look over and say to you.
I still think twice before I eat certain foods.
I feel lonely with every shower I take.
Every lunchable I eat.
Every drool worthy car I pass.
I wish I still talked to you on the phone everyday.
I still leave room for you in my bed when I go to sleep.
I still feel like I can't breathe when I see you.
I wish you were still my bestfriend.
I still call things what we named them.
I still want to send you all the pictures I use to.
I still worry about you.
You look too thin.
The songs we would sing to,
have *** to,
or just have in the back ground...
Still make me remember all those moments like they are still happening.
I still fall asleep dreaming of you.
I still wake up forgetting that you aren't there.
I still feel your touch every time I lay still.
I still hear your voice and laugh when I close my eyes.
I still wish you were my mcm.
I still do things for you as though you would care.
I still make sure the volumes are hitting a five.
I still want to call you.
Whether I need you to help me because I'm crashing.
Or I'm bored and want to talk.
I still make sure to be healthy for you.
I still love you.
I still care.
I wish I was still you're bestfriend.
I still wish for you constantly.
But mostly as my bestfriend more than anything.
I still want you always there.
I'm not okay with letting you go anymore.
But I know I have too.
I still want you to be happy.
That doesn't change the fact that I still miss you.
I miss you so much.
I still want to be your valentine.
I still want you to be there the rest of my life.
To grow old with you.
I still want all those dreams we made.
Mailboxes still give me butterflies.
I still cry almost everyday.
I still have so much more to say
But for now just know...
I still think of you every where I go.
I wrote the original version of this a month after him and I broke up. Right after we became friends again. It was originally about how I did still do this stuff. Like wear his shirts and talk to him on the phone and was his bestfriend. But every month I would go through and edit it to how are relationship had become by then. And now it has been like this since the end of April. Today is the day I am finally posting this because today would have marked one official year of him and I being together. Though unofficially we were together much longer it seemed. He was the love of my life and I miss him dearly. Though this is it. We're over and all I'm left with are "stills"
Beth Decisions Nov 2016
Within a matter of days he swept in and changed everything.
Suddenly I felt like I deserved more than what I had been allowing myself.
Next to him I finally felt like myself again.
I wasn't being who I needed to be; who people expected me to be.
I was just living within each moment.
He didn't make me happy.
He made me believe I deserved happiness.
He made me want to be happy.
Now I'm smiling like an idiot throughout each day.
Yet, whenever I speak to him it becomes a smile that exceeds expectations.
Suddenly I posses a smile I was unaware existed.
Beth Decisions Jun 2015
Here I am.
With the ocean out in front of me.
Watching the waves crash into the rocks.
Sun shining on my back.
Sand inbetween my toes.
A place most dream of going.
A place people vacation too.
Run towards to escape their everyday lives.
I live in a place of beauty.
As I watch this amazing scene most only see in movies.
My thoughts lay hundreds of miles away.
In the life I had this time last year.
If going back was possible,
I'd seize the opportunity without a second thought.
I don't know why this is all so hard.
All I do is write.
All I write about is him.
The boy I love doesn't even exist anymore.
Yet I spend all my time wishing to leave this island.
Wishing to go back to the time he did exist.
To this time last year when he was my bestfriend.
But I cant...
I'm just stuck with my thoughts in the past.
My dreams in a future I will never get.
Surronded by beauty I struggle to see.
Beth Decisions May 2017
You make me feel like I'm a little kid on a swing set.
The higher I get the more invincible I become.
The longer I swing the more at peace I feel.
You make me feel like I'm flying through the air.
Being in love with you is like being on a swing set.
Beth Decisions Apr 2015
These thoughts swirling through my mind, are slowly killing me inside.
These torturous and endless questions
Of whats right, and whats wrong
They slam through my brain
And are like a blade to my heart
Constantly opening wound after wound
Creating new, extending old
Till I feel empty
Where it feels like there's nothing left to me
But emptiness and sorrow
Written: June 16, 2014
Beth Decisions Apr 2015
Take me away to the place of lost dreams
To the place of the broken
Where the wild runs free
Take me to the place where adventures are constant
To the place where love never dies
And rules are always broken
Let me run around without a single thought in the world
Where nothing can stop me in my path
So I can break free from the reality that is always torturing me
Written: May 18, 2014
Beth Decisions Apr 2015
I miss what use to be
The life I once had and all the good that came with it
I miss my bestfriends
All the memories we have made
I miss it all
All the nights we spent piled in a room together
Laughing and talking
With one talking till five in the morning and not letting any of us sleep
All the inside jokes we have made
All the stories we could tell
2013 was difficult
And filled with drama
But it was the best year non the less
With hundreds of good memories
And thousands of times laughing
And as I lay here
Knowing all of that rests in the past
I have but one thought
Just take me back
Written: July 16, 2014
Beth Decisions Sep 2015
Take me back to the old days.
The days of eight people squeezing into one booth.
The days of random free food.
The days of pilling people into a car and blaring music.
Having silently parties while my parents were asleep.
Random night walks.
Random night drives.
Unplanned trips to the mall.
Spending hours just sitting in a room.
All of us pilled in to one apartment.
Getting the text from mom telling us she's making dinner and everyone comes running.
Take me back to the old days.
I miss it.
Beth Decisions Apr 2015
Can I go back now.
I was happy there
The place I love and know
The place I call my home
But here I am
1000 miles away
Stuck
Stuck doing the same things day by day
So can I go home now
And return my smile back to it's proper place
Will you allow this to occur
Or just continue to torture me forever more
Written: August 20, 2014
Beth Decisions Feb 2016
I'm sitting here in the same spot I have sat hundreds of times before with memories taking over my mind. Thinking back to a happier time.
A time with you sitting next to me with a talon in your hand.
Beth Decisions Jun 2015
Would our lives be better...
Or worse if we had never met?
Beth Decisions Jun 2017
You became a part of my world this weekend.
You met my friends.
My family.
Those in this world that mean most to me.
You partied with us.
Laughed with us.
Saw apart of my life I rarely experience anymore.
Everyone loved you.
It was amazing.
I can't believe how perfectly you fit into my world.
You cause happiness and fun in a town I didn't know was capable of allowing it.
It's been so long since I've felt the way I did this weekend.
Even longer since I felt that way back home.
I finally felt at peace in the place that destroyed me.
Some how you've managed to bring light into every section of my life.
Beth Decisions Apr 2015
I'm that girl
The one who everyone goes to.
Who gives everyone the perfect advice,
Right when they need it.
Who can solve any and everyone's problems.
Who is there for anybody whenever they need me.
But who's own life and relationships are complete hell.
I can fix everyone else's problems but I can't fix my own.
It ***** being that girl...
Knowing that you helped the people,
around you get to where they are.
That you helped them all become happy.
Watched them escape from the mental hell they were in.
But not being able to do that for yourself.
Written: June 24, 2013
Beth Decisions Apr 2015
That laugh.
That smile.
That guy!
Who makes your heart melt.
With those eyes.
That personality.
That love that shines.
The funny one.
Who makes your eyes light up,
And makes you go weak at the knees.
The one you fall in love with without realizing.
The one who takes your breathe away.
He's just that guy!
He's the one you want to grow old with..
Written: February 9, 2014
Beth Decisions Apr 2015
Theres somebody I know.
With the most amazing eyes you will see.
A body so perfect it makes you wanna scream.
Lips so full and a smile that you can spot a mile away.
Hair so thick and soft, it makes everyone full of jealously.
They have the most amazing personality you've ever meet.
And does the sweetest things.
With a humor that matches mine perfectly.
We all have that one person...
Who this describes almost perfectly.
Written: September 19, 2013
Beth Decisions Jan 2016
Today's the day.
The day I've been dreading for a year now.
Today's the day I lost my baby.
The memory of it all is crushing.
I don't know how to think.
How to feel....
It's as though there's an overwhelming sense of sorrow suffocating me.
I don't know how I'm going to get through this day.
I never met you...
But I love you my shooting star.
R.I.P.  My Love
Beth Decisions Aug 2016
And in her final hours the stars showed themselves brighter than ever before. Lightening streaked through a perfectly clear sky. The wind swayed through every single leaf in eye sight. Before she took one last swig from her drink then laid down for the last time.
Beth Decisions Jun 2015
There's something beautiful about reading a book series you never want to end.
A series in which you escape so deeply into the depths of, it is a though you are there.
As though that is the world in which you live.
You are experiencing that story,
Going down that journey they descend upon, with them.
You cry when there's sorrow.
You smile at all the joys.
It becomes a piece of who you are.
When the story's over...
When the last line is read,
The last page it turned,
And you are forced to leave that world you have so deeply pourded yourself into,
It is as though you are leaving a part of yourself into that book.
That story.
A part of you that spent hours lost from the reality around you.
As you lived a different life.
Lived in a different world.
Learned and had more experiences than one could imagaine.
As you went from living just your life,
being inside just your mind,
feeling just your emotions....
To living the lives of many.
Feeling for things that have never occurred.
And spending hours in the mind of another.
Until finally you read the last line.
Turn the last page.
Close the book for the final time.
And descend back into reality.
Becoming just you, once more.
*It's a true gift.
A beautiful pass time unlike no others.
And a true escape if one is at dyer need of it.*
Books have always been my favorite escape. And the world of Harry Potter, my favorite to escape into.
Beth Decisions Feb 2016
I've gained sanity and peace of mind though lost almost everything else in the process.
Now I'm left here asking
"Was it worth it? Would I do it all again if given the choice?"
And I've come to realize I would.
I would do everything exactly the same.
No matter how many opportunities I was given.
I wouldn't change a single decision because every choice I've made,
no matter how horrible has led me here.
I've been led to this exact moment.
I've been led to you.
The girl smiling back at me through the mirror.
Beth Decisions Nov 2015
Winter is here and along with laughter and snowball fights come heartbreak and frozen tears.
Beth Decisions Jun 2015
I have this necklace.
No matter how hard I try I can't stop wearing it.
I wore it virtually every single day from the time he gave it to me.
He bought it for my birthday.
He bought it back when we were bestfriends.
He refused for two months to give it to me.
He said he wanted to make sure he got to see me smile again.
**** did I smile too.
Now...
No matter how hard I try...
I still can't stop wearing it.
Not because the boy I loved gave it to me.
But because my bestfriend in this entire world gave it to me.
It's my favorite thing.
I can't bear to be without it.
It stands for everything I once had.
It stands for the happiest I've ever been.
It shows how deeply we knew each other.
The forever girl wears this necklace.
I may not be his forever anymore.
He may hate me completely.
That doesn't change the fact that he changed my life forever.
That whether I'm in love with him or not...
I will love him forever.
Beth Decisions Jun 2016
It's 6:25am.
I haven't slept.
I'm in a horrible mood.
However I've made a decision.
It's time to be who I truly am again.
The girl I used to be wasn't weak.
She was head strong and stuck to her morals.
She believed that love and *** are not to be taken lightly.
They are beautiful things and not to be thrown around and abused.
The girl I was...
She was sweet.
Cared for everyone around her.
It didn't matter who you were or what was going on, if someone needed help she was there.
She was brutally honest and didn't care what anyone thought of her.

The person I've become sickens me...
She is dark and bitter.
She acts without thinking just to spend the next few days hating herself for what she has done.
She has hurt the people she loves most.
She doesn't care what happens as long as she feels okay in the moment.
She has been hurt and broken so many times that she has nothing left in her.
All the bad bounces off of her because she has forced herself not to care.
She has no regard for those around her.
She lies to the people closest to her so she doesn't have to admit how horrible of a person she has become.

So here I am now.
In this moment.
This sleepless, emotional moment.
I have decided to become the girl I was.
The girl I truly am.
Somebody that I can be proud of.
I've decided to be the girl without a broken heart and go back to being full of love.
It's time I learn to love myself again.
Beth Decisions Nov 2016
I've had an interesting past week.
With old memories appearing.
New memories being created.
This realization was bound to be met.
Anxiety filled I flew home to see everyone.
A sense of calm settled once I arrived.
Things were so simple.
So casual.
We all settled back into old routines.
And then the memories hit.
Things I didn't even realize I had forgotten.
What it felt like when we were all best friends.
When we were all family.
How it felt when drama began to tear us all apart.
Though the most intense memory that appeared is one I wish I had never felt.
I remembered what being in love with him was like.
How it felt to lay in each other's arms for hours while laughing and talking about nonsense.
I remembered every detail of how heartbroken I was when things ended.
I remembered how much I wanted to kiss him when he got excited over nothing.
How annoyingly cute his horrible memory is.
I remembered just how in love I was with every perfection and flaw he has.
And then I realized...
I'm still in love with him.
Apart of me will always be in love with him.
We've shared too much.
Been through too much not to be.
Without him I would never have been through what I have.
I wouldn't be the person I am.
I wouldn't have the friends I do.
The dreams I have.
He completely changed my life.
I'm over pretending.
I love him.
I'm in love with him and always will be.
However our lives are no longer compatible and it has been a long time since I've wanted him.
He will always be the love of my life.
Beth Decisions Jul 2016
As cliche and over used as it may be,
All things happen for a reason.
Bad, Heartbreaking moments that make it feel as though the world has shattered beneath your feet.
However, these painful moments appear with a purpose.
They appear with something in store for us on the other side.
We are needed to do something,
To come across a discovery,
Or to become someone new.
A journey that could not have previously occurred.
So you may be in pain.
The tears may flow to the point you think they will never end.
But I know you are strong.
I know you're about to go down a beautiful path.
Beth Decisions Oct 2016
She sat there in hysterics.
Mentally and emotionally numb.
Swinging her feet off the side of a dock in debate.
Debating on how long it takes someone to drown.
What it feels like to be suffocated by the water.
How long would it be till someone found her.
What her parents reactions would be.
What her siblings and friends would feel.
If anyone would truly care or let go after the appropriate amount of time to grieve.
Time ticking fast.
She promised herself not to rush into the decision.
She survived once before when she attempted too quickly.
The seconds and minutes blurred together quickly as her deadline approached.
She took of her jewelry, jacket, and shoes.
Took the password off of her phone.
She was ready.
One minute remaining.
Her decision already made.
She finishes her cigarette.
It's 2:01
One minute passed.
Then she hears him.
Running over to her.
Sitting down with her.
Hugging her.
Asking her if she's okay.
Saving her.
Not realizing that if he was just a few minutes later she would be lost to him forever.
He saved her.
Beth Decisions Apr 2015
I wish I could forget this feeling I have permanently engraved in my brain. But unfortunately I don't think it's ever going to go away. I just wish it would begin to fade. I'm so tired of always having to fight to be okay.
Written: January 22, 2015
Beth Decisions Apr 2015
Why can't I get this feeling out of my head.
Anytime somebody brings it up,
Children,
Pregnancy,
Miscarriage.
The feeling comes back.
The empty feeling throughout all of me.
The crushing feeling on my heart.
The pounding in my head.
The all over urge to crawl in bed and never leave.
I felt the life of my child evaporate from me.
As hard as I try...
I just can't forget it.
This is the worst pain I've ever felt.
And it never goes away.
It just fades out from time to time.
Written: April 5, 2015
Beth Decisions Apr 2015
Midnight came and pasted and all I am left with are my thoughts.
All my memories.
All my dreams.
All my pains.
All my plans and...
Most of all, all of my hopes.
When the sun goes down and everyone goes to sleep.
Its always just me left awake, the girl who never sleeps.
Stuck with only my thoughts.
I'm left thinking about my friends,
and family,
and school,
and him.
As my thoughts slowly start to suffocate me...
I start to cry.
Then I just lay there for hours.
Until I drift in to a forced sleep.
Finally free from my thoughts.
At least for a few more hours.
Written: March 19, 2013
Beth Decisions Aug 2015
It is said that thoughts create reality.
That if you focus hard enough,
If you focus long enough on something...
That it is destined to come into play.
Granted I'm not telling you to just sit around and wait for it to occur.
Nothing in life comes from doing nothing.
You still have to try.
You just have to make sure you never stop focusing on it.
You have to believe with all of you that it will occur.
And it will...
Just have faith in the world.
Have faith in yourself.
If you strive for success you will make it.
If you live waiting for something horrible to happen.
It will happen.
Let your mind create the reality around you.
Let your life thrive.
If you take every turn expecting disaster it will occur.
Believe in yourself.
Otherwise nothing good your hoping for will happen.
And everything dreadful you expect to occur will.
Sorry if I repeated myself. I just figured some people out there could favor from reading this.
Beth Decisions Apr 2015
I've always thought about love
What type of person I'll fall for
What they'll look like
How love will feel
But then the second I realized I had fallen for you
All of my thoughts on love changed
You redefined my definition of love
You make me spin
And you make my heart forever race
None of this is how I ever thought
But I'm okay with that because...
Its even better
Written: August 2, 2014
Beth Decisions Feb 2016
I did it again.
I picked up the blade and played that game of tic tac toe.
I stained my fingers with the ****** ink.
Dragging the blade back and forth till I felt drunk on the cuts.
Till I felt numb from the pain.
The mental pain I'm drowning in.
The pain caused from missing a boy who no longer exists.
Missing a girl who died with her child.
Missing the family that left when her mother walked out the door.
The pain caused from the anxiety left on me.
The anxiety of never knowing who to talk to or where I belong.
If I still have people in my life to lean on.
However that's probably partially my fault.
I the girl who never stops speaking...
No longer even tries to speak to those I care for.
I can't.
My blade has become my bestfriend tonight.
And I don't think any of them would understand.
So here I sit.
Laying on the floor of my closet.
An ace bandage wrapped around my thigh.
Hiding my newest game of tic tac toe.
As I write you this poem.
Beth Decisions Apr 2016
A year ago my life was complete hell.
Now look at me.
I'm on fire.
Beth Decisions Oct 2015
I remember this day a year ago.
It was just as miserable.
Beth Decisions Jul 2015
But that's the thing...
The world isn't beautiful.
The world is dark and scary.
It is ugly and corrupting.
Picture perfect images hiding the mountains of sin and turmoil.
Picture perfect images hiding the truth all are to afraid to see.
We all think we know what beauty is.
We all think we've seen it.
Though few truly know what it is.
Because beauty...
Is hidden even beyond the deepest parts of the darkness.
So tell me.
Can you see the beauty in the darkness.
Beth Decisions May 2021
The thought of writing how I feel makes my skin burn.
My heart races in my chest and it becomes hard to breathe.
I used to write every day.
The words would flow out in this never-ending stream.
I wonder what changed?
I wonder why I am so scared to put how I feel into words the way I used to.
Will I ever be able to turn feelings into eloquent writing again?
The way I used to or at least tried to...
Beth Decisions May 2017
Devastating times rise from the ashes of the happiest of occasions.
Beth Decisions Jul 2017
I love you the way I love a new book and paint covered hands.
I crave you the way I crave tea on a star filled night.
I need you the way I need to dance in the rain on a hot day.
I miss you more than anything I have to compare.
Beth Decisions Jun 2016
Life is withering away at our fingertips. The world is on fire and ash is falling from the sky. So tell me how are you going to spend your last remaining moments? What will you be doing as you watch the world fall through existence?
Beth Decisions Sep 2016
You literally make it feel as though I can't breathe.
Which is why I can't keep pretending.
I can't pretend I only see you as a friend.
Just seeing your name cross my phone makes me smile like an idiot.
I'm falling for your goofy smile.
I'm falling for your horrible sentence structure in texts.
I like you.
I'm falling for you.
I want you to be here next to me.
Holding me as I sleep every night.
Beth Decisions Nov 2017
You make eternity feel like a matter of seconds.
Sitting next to you feels like I'm frozen in time.
Beth Decisions May 2017
Being in love is killing my poetry. I guess even happiness has its flaws.
Beth Decisions Sep 2016
Somedays I wish I didn't miss you.
Because if I didn't miss you that would mean you'd be here with me.
And I really want to just not be missing you.
Beth Decisions Dec 2016
Someday I'll learn how to fly.
I'll leave this place and all of my fears behind.
My soul will heal and my smile won't look as forced.
I will journey down an adventure few experience and many envy.
I will sit in silence without thoughts over powering me.
I'll forget everything I've been through, all the pain I've endured.
Someday I'll be everything I've dreamed of.
Beth Decisions Jun 2016
I've spent so long drowning inside of myself.
And now...
Anytime you appear at my side it's like electricity coursing through my veins.
Beth Decisions Aug 2016
Sometimes it feels like reality is eons away.
In those moments.
I just need somebody to grab my hand and pull me back down to earth.
Be my life line to the rest of humanity.
Beth Decisions Jul 2017
No matter how much time I get with you it's never enough.
It won't ever be enough.
Not until the day I finally get to start spending every night falling asleep in your arms.
I miss you every second.
Not having you next to me is killing me.
Beth Decisions Jan 2016
I wish I could fall in love with you.
Life would be so much easier.
Except you're my bestfriend.
And I can never see you that way.
Beth Decisions Apr 2015
As the petals start to fall
And the daylight begins to fade away
Just know my love for you will never go
Written: July 29, 2014
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