For the moments where you can not stop yourself from doing something no matter how much pain it brings you.

Someday I'll learn how to fly.
I'll leave this place and all of my fears behind.
My soul will heal and my smile won't look as forced.
I will journey down an adventure few experience and many envy.
I will sit in silence without thoughts over powering me.
I'll forget everything I've been through, all the pain I've endured.
Someday I'll be everything I've dreamed of.

I've spent so long drowning inside of myself.
And now...
Anytime you appear at my side it's like electricity coursing through my veins.

Sometimes it feels like reality is eons away.
In those moments.
I just need somebody to grab my hand and pull me back down to earth.
Be my life line to the rest of humanity.

There's a side to me I don't believe anyone will ever have the pleasure to meet because she lives within my deepest dreams.

I felt lost in the happiness and didn't know how to live.
I guess this is my karma for secretly missing the pain.
My life is turning upside down.
I'm no longer happy with how things have turned out.
I don't know how to fix this.
It feels as though this better life I've created has started to collapse.

How do you go from I love you's
To being just friends again

I spent so long on my own that I got use to nobody being there.

Now it freaks me out when people are there...**

Yet, everybody is still never there when I truly need them.

As the petals start to fall
And the daylight begins to fade away
Just know my love for you will never go

Everytime I go to write about the things that are hurting me the most...
I just end up crying hysterically

Moving on hurts worse than the heartbreak itself.
Though it's still the friendship that I miss the most.

I feel dead inside.
Like the car door wasn’t the only thing that got crushed last night
I sat there staring out the window
I saw the other car come straight at me
I thought for sure that was the end of it
That I wouldn’t make it out of there alive
As I watched it head straight towards me,
I closed my eyes and waited for the impact
Everything happened in the matter of seconds
But it felt much longer than that

Walking home from being with you.
It's 6am in the mid of winter.
The wind moving around with a numbing cold.
Snowflakes gently falling to the ground.
But still I smile.
I look around at all the street lights and,
See beauty everywhere I turn.
Feeling so happy.
So free.
The cold doesn't even touch me.
For you had finally gotten the courage,
To kiss me for the first time.
As I walk, I start to think.
Of all that has just pasted.
How you seemed so unsure of yourself at first.
How your lips felt like perfection against mine.
How kissing you made me feel so happy inside.
I think about everything.
Every touch,
Every thought,
Every breathe that had accord.
Every moment of being in your arms.
It makes me feel better than anything in this world.
The night was amazing.
Or well morning I guess...
I spent the whole time worrying.
But right now as I walk home.
I am so glad that I sneaked out to be with you.
As I keep walking the snow fall gets heavier with every second.
And the wind starts to pick up.
I have only two thoughts left on my mind
How hard it is to fall asleep without you there,
and how truly amazing you are.

We are the kids your parents never want you to be.
We are the kids everyone else is envious of.
We are the kids who run wild and free.

We may be broken...
But we're healing!
And that's what counts.

Let me ask you something.
What happened to I love you.
What happened to I love everything about you.
What happened to forever.
What happened to I love you and your flaws unconditionally.
What happened.
What made it stop.
What happened to you are my world.
What happened to I can't wait to spend my life with you.
What happened to we will make it through anything.
What happened to I need you.
What happened to you are my happiness.
What happened to I can't sleep without you.
What happened to you are my bestfriend.
What happened to I am so lucky.
What happened to all of the jokes.
All of the laughs shared.
What happened to you are why I smile.
What happened to I will marry you.
What happened to I will never leave you.
What happened to you are my priority.
I don't understand how it can change.
How you can go from loving to not caring.
Wanting to spend forever together to never see each other again.
I don't understand.
So tell me.
What happened to make you change your mind.

I'm an artist in many ways.
I use a pen.
I use paint.
I use canvas.
I use a blade.
I use my body.
My masterpiece sometimes drips down my legs.
As I play tic tac toe on my thigh.

And just like that the emotions swarm.
The anger piles up.
Tears falling down my face like a rain storm.
Shallow breathing.
In so much pain I feel as though numb.
What am I suppose to do?
What am I suppose to feel?
Will my misery ever diminish?
I don't know how much longer I can take this.
This constant cycle of never ending downs and very few ups.

Ruby red lips.
Tear soaked cheeks.
Makeup smeared eyes.
Messy hair curtaining down.

No new reasons.
Just a broken heart that has never healed.
No new problem to be added to the list.
Just a list of problems that has yet been solved.
Breaks unable to mend.

I'm drowning in my own self loathing.
Dying in hatred.
Hatred of all my choices.
Including the choices I make to cope.

With my ruby red lips.
Tear soaked cheeks.
Makeup smeared eyes.
Messy hair curtaining down.

The wish of a bottle pressed to my lips.
The wish of a blade pressed to my skin.
The wish of a cigarette in my hand.
The wish of a pill resting on my tongue.
The wish to forget what it is I'm doing.

What I have done.
****...
What have I done?

I think of you*
I grab a cigarette.
I miss you I think
I lite it
I think of the feel of your arms and how much I need you
I start taking drags
I still love and want you
The drags become longer.
I remember the feel of you against me
Even longer now
I call out your name
The cigarette's gone. I light a new one.
I start silently crying
I sink to the ground
All our memories playing through my mind
Inhaling between every sob.
I continue on like this. Smoking and crying until the pain...
The pressure...
The never ending hurt begins to dull away.
Though never truly goes away.

Where do I go when I have no where to run
Where do I go when the world is collapsing from the inside
When reality is tearing to pieces
Where do I run when I need a place to hide and I'm dying inside
Now that my place of safety has gone away
My one place of freedom
Where I can be who I am
Where do I run now that my world is gone

I don't know who you are right now
And it's breaking my heart
Because all I want to know...
Is where did you go?

Who am I?
Do you see me as I see you.
I can't tell who I am.
I'm lost.
Where have I gone.
Who have I become.
Am I the person I use to be before.
Or am I a completely different being.
Am I a mixture of the both.
I'm unsure.
I see you.
I see all of you for who you are.
Yet I can't see myself.
Do you see me.
Will you tell me who I have become.
Am I an author.
A poet.
A painter.
Am I smart.
Or beautiful.
Am I sweet.
Rebellious.
A mixture of all combined.
Who have I become.
Can you tell.
I've become blinded and can't see.
Who am I?

Feeling the blade.
Feel it run across your skin.
Slowly and steadily moving along...
More and more until the blood starts to appear.
Stopping before it gets to deep.
Scared...
Because it barely hurts...
Scared because you never thought,
It would come to this.
Never thought you would ever get bad enough,
To do something like this.
Being just so scared.
Finally making yourself stop.
Promising yourself to never do it again.
Not fully understanding why you did it in the first place.
And eventually regretting and trying to hide it.
Ashamed you let yourself get to that bad of a place.

Why do the worst emotions hit at the most inconvient times.
Why do words never stop them selves from being spoken before the damage has been done.
Why do I begin to do good.
Be happy.
Be healthy.
All to have it disappear.
All to end up laying here feeling this way.
Alone and empty.
On the verge of tears with anger building inside my soul.
Why do I never learn my lesson.
Making the same mistakes time and time again.
However I never expect different results.
I know the outcome.
I know how it will end yet I continue to proceed.
I'm self destructive.
An exploding bomb just waiting to go off again.
Why must I do this.
Why must I feel this way.
Why do I live this life.
I wish I could change my past.
Change that which has traumatized me into allowing myself to be this person.
I wish I could live peacefully with myself for more than a month or two.
Live peacefully without some old problem reappearing and crushing me again.
Why do I never get over my past.
Never get over the trauma.
I have never been strong enough for that.
Strong enough to let go.
To stop myself from crashing again.
Why do I live this way still.
It's lasted too long.

Why can't I stop these dreams.
They crash into my mind.
Then spend the day on repeat.
I despise it.
That's my time to escape my thoughts of you.
Yet. You fill those moments as well
Though at the same time...
They're so vivid.
It's as though you're right next to me.
I wake up thinking it was real.
Which maybe is why I hate it so much.
Befriends means forever and always right?
What happened to forever and always.
Why did things have to be ruined.
I just want these dreams to end.
So my thoughts of you aren't as constant.
That way I'm not always reminded of the heartbreak.
The crushing sensation of losing my bestfriend.

I wish and I wish
For you and I
For our paths to cross once again
Because I wish
I wish I could have been everything you needed
I wish our love was powerful enough to last
Or perhaps start again
I wish and I wish
For dreams that most likely will never come true.

While I'm stuck here.
The beautiful, depressed, island girl.
Who thinks of nothing but you and the way it sounds every time you would say that nickname you gave me.
Wishing desperately to be back in your arms.
Wishing desperately we could be driving around blaring Green Day.
Wishing desperately to go swimming fully dressed, in the ocean, after you pick me up from work.
Wishing desperately to be walking around The Strand holding your hand as I stop constantly, and you wait patiently, for me to finish taking yet another photo on my camera.
Wishing desperately...

Will this pain ever end.
Will my tears ever deminish.
Will my anger ever subside.
Or is this forever going to be my state.
I struggle even being attracted to people nowadays.
I don't see how I'm ever going to stop wishing for you.
Most days I just wish I could forget you.
That I'll get amnesia...
And forget about all I've gone through the past few years.
That would be so much easier.
Then living in a constant state of pain...

I sometimes just wish I could cry...
And let go of everything.
Jut sob away all of my problems.
And then afterwards I will,
Finally be able to pick my self up...
And move on!
Thats all I want...
Is to not be able to feel like crying,
Whenever somebody is talking about him.
Its not my fault he is different now,
So why do I feel bad about him?
Just the thought of him half the time,
Makes me want to burst out in tears.
I have never seen anybodys...
"Vibe" change that much, so quickly before.
He drives me insane!
He is my only week spot.
And I hate it!
All I want more than anything in this world,
Is to move on,
To be done,
To not care,
To be free
I'm sick and tired of all of his bull!
Soooo this is it!
Some day I am going to cry...
I am going to sob it all away...
And be free, from him...
I'm going to get back up!
But until then...
I'm just going to be wishing,
That I could just cry.

With you I never stop smiling.
I never stop laughing.
With you I'm overcome with happiness.
That's what I love most about being with you.

I wonder if he noticed.
Noticed what day it is.
My first thought when I saw it was
"Oh hey seven months"
But then I had to remind myself that it's not.
That were not...
So I wonder if he noticed that today was the 25th.
I wonder if for a second he forgot too.
Or if it didn't even phase him.
As though it was any other day.
Which I guess it is now.
Since we've agreed that all we are is friends.
Though he will never just be my friend.
And 25 will never go back to being just a number.
I wonder if he knows that also.
If he agrees.
Or if he's gone back to thinking of me as though we were never together

I have so much worry coursing through me.
Worry on how you'll react if it's true.
Worry on how the situation will play out.
Worry on how to tell you if its true.
Especially since you aren't talking to me currently.
And the last thing I want to do is impact your decisions with this.
So tell me how do I handle this.
How do I handle it if it is true.

I don't know how to write about what broke me.
And no, losing him wasn't it.
That part of my heartache is simple to write about.
It's nothing compared to the other.
I had a miscarriage...
And no I didn't want a kid.
But I would rather have triplets than the feeling of losing it engraved in my head.
I felt it happen.
I felt my body giving up on the life it was creating.
I felt all the life in it drain away.
I felt it dying.
And there was nothing I could do but lay there.
As the life from it drained away, the life in me did also.
I can't let go of how it felt to feel something I was creating....
Give up hope.
I've never been in more pain.
It has crippled me.
But yes...
Not having him to hold my hand.
Not having him to support me...
Has made it so much harder.
But truthfully...
I'd be fine if I had never had to feel that.

I can trace all of this back to one single moment.
Yet even if I could change that moment,
Change my past...
I still think I was always destined to meet him.
And I truly believe he would not have taken a liking to me had I been any different.
Though maybe he would have.
Maybe he would have stayed.
But would I have all this wisdom I do now.
The wisdom I use to help save those surrounding me had my story been different.
This is what I need to keep me going.
Focusing on not my pain but saving all those around me with the wisdom my pain has led me to carry.
The wisdom that has come from losing him and everything else in my life that has ended in catastrophe.

My bestfriend stopped speaking to me.
My bestfriend.
The person who has held me in my darkest moments for the past three years.
The one who got me through everything I went through last year.
He stopped speaking to me.
There was no fight.
He just stopped.
It's been almost a whole month now.
I pretend as though I don't care.
That it doesn't bother me.
Yet.
I miss him in every moment.
I miss his inappropriate comments.
How he could turn the simplest statement into some ****** joke.
I miss the way he always bribed me to clean his room.
I miss the way he was always there.
For the past three years he has always been there.
In return I always tried my hardest to do the same.
Now he's not.
The money I had saved up for his birthday is just sitting there.
I don't know if I'll ever get him back.
And now there is a picture of us as the background on my phone.
Torturing me.
I'm torturing myself and he's probably asleep.
We agreed to never leave each other like everyone else has.
We agreed to love each other when we had nobody else to love us.
So where is he.
Doesn't he realize he did the exact same thing as him.
He broke all of his promises.
He broke my heart in a way it's never broken before.

Hearing your name feels like a knife to my heart.
Speaking your name takes all my effort,
As though the words are suffocating me.
Yet...
Your name never leaves my mind.
In all my thoughts.
Over and over again...
Repeating a thousdand times a day.

*And I miss hearing you say my name

Lover there's some things you should know.
Some things I should tell you.
I know on occasion our trust wavers but I promise I'd never lie when saying this.
I may be small and weaker than most.
We know I'm definitely more fragile than most.
Though I would travel to the end of the world to save you.
I would fight 1,000 men to save you.
To save your heart from anymore damage.
Protect your mind from anymore pain.
Lover there's some things you should know.
Some things I should tell you.
I know on occasion our trust wavers but I promise I'd never lie when saying this.
I love you more than words can describe.
When I'm with you I feel alive.
A sense of calm captures me.
The smile you see and laughter you hear belong to you.
You make me feel strong and invincible.
Every time I see you the rest of the world disappears.
The love I have for you is irreplaceable.
Lover there's some things you should know.
Some things I should tell you.
I know on occasion our trust wavers but I promise I'd never lie when saying this.
Looking at you takes my breath away.
Your smile hypnotizes me.
I find everything about how you look addicting.
I can never stop staring into your eyes.
Your messy hair falling in waves down your shoulders is one of my favorite sights to see.
The way I feel with your arms around me is indescribable.
Lover there's some things you should know.
Some things I should tell you.
I know on occasions our trust wavers but I promise I'd never lie when saying this.
I love you with all of me.
I swear to protect you, you're safe with me.
You will never go through the suffering and heartbreak you did before.
I will never hurt you.
I won't leave your side until you no longer need me.
Lover there's some things you should know.
Some things I should tell you.
Though it all sums up in three tiny words.
I Love You.