I wish and I wish
For you and I
For our paths to cross once again
Because I wish
I wish I could have been everything you needed
I wish our love was powerful enough to last
Or perhaps start again
I wish and I wish
For dreams that most likely will never come true.

I didn't expect to fall in love with you.
Yet here I am madly inlove.
And falling more and more each day,
Falling for your smile.
Your awkwardness
How dorky you can be.
Falling inlove with the feel of your arms around me.
I espically never thought I could fall for you even more than I have.
But here we are
With me falling even more every day I spend with you.
I love you more than I thought possible.
And it's a love I know will never end.
Never fade away.
Just grow until we believe it can't grow anymore.
Yet watch as it still will continue to do so.

I was once asked what life is and I responded with the simple statement of "I am hungry."
In the simplest terms life consists of us all running around "hungry".
We hunger not just for food to nourish our bodies.
We hunger for air to fill our lungs.
We hunger for fame and fortune,
For the life we believe we deserve.
Our hunger.
Our want and desire is was fuels us everyday.
It is what creates the life that surrounds us.
Everyone is starving for something.
Nobody will stop until they get there.
No matter the consequences to themselves or the domino effect of consequences it creates around them.

I think of you*
I grab a cigarette.
I miss you I think
I lite it
I think of the feel of your arms and how much I need you
I start taking drags
I still love and want you
The drags become longer.
I remember the feel of you against me
Even longer now
I call out your name
The cigarette's gone. I light a new one.
I start silently crying
I sink to the ground
All our memories playing through my mind
Inhaling between every sob.
I continue on like this. Smoking and crying until the pain...
The pressure...
The never ending hurt begins to dull away.
Though never truly goes away.

I need a witness.
I need someone to sit next to me and witness the chaos.
Watch how the sun rises and sets.
Observe how the light falls across our faces.
I need someone there to see the way I light up with a paintbrush in my hand.
The way I laugh until I cant breathe.
I need someone to run through the rain with me.
Drive around with the top down on a star filled night.
I need a witness.
Someone who will see me in the simplest of moments.
Someone who is willing to witness all the beauties of this universe at my side.

And I look inside my soul and all I see is darkness.
I look inside my eyes and the fire has been extinguished.
I look upon my heart and it is covered in scars.
Though in every photo you can see a blinding smile on my face.
In every video all you hear is laughter.
I get up every day,
Tie up my combat boots,
And apply my lipstick.
Praying this will be the day I find my answers.
This will be the day you hand me back over the key.
So I can unlock the light you stole from me.
Become whole once more.
Then perhaps next time I wont give myself up so easily.
I won't give love to the wrong man.

Seeing you in pain kills me inside
As you thrash around your bed
Screaming out in pain
Screaming out my name
As the nightmare continues to go on in your head
I just wish there was some way I could help
Because
Seeing you in pain kills me inside

I found another chance at life.
A chance to start new and be happy.
I ran into the chance head first.
Knowing the likely hood of crashing was far higher.
Yet here I am.
Smiling my days away.
I'm happier than I've ever been.

It's days like this especially that I miss you being here.
Running around the city with my family.
It feels as though something's missing without you here.
Without even being able to talk about you.
Or tell you the random things that occur.
I keep seeing so many things that remind me of you.
I just can't help feeling like this entire day is wrong.
Because...
You're not here.

Just look over there.
At that little girl.
The one who pretends to be strong,
But is actually cowering inside.
I saw her come out to play the other day.
She sat there.
On the side of the road.
With no breathe in her lungs
And tears streaming down her face.
Look of pure fear in her eyes.
She always acts tough.
Yet there she was.
Showing who she really is,
She's just a scared little girl.
Desperate to be okay again.
For her world to be okay again.

Can you picture it.
How your life was this time last year.
Now think of your life now.
Would you have ever expected it to become this way.
Turn into what it is now.
If somebody had come and told you that this is how your life would develop.
Would you believe them?
Would you have called them insane?
I know I would have.
My life has become the exact opposite of what I'd expect.
It's extraordinary how life changes.

Dreams.
So happy.
That when you wake up your sad.
Dreams.
So intense.
That you wish it is real.
Dreams.
About you.
About friends.
About life.
About family.
You dream about your wishes.
And the sad thing is I don't even realize...
That I'm wishing for that except for in my dreams.
I thought I had moved on from wanting that.
Until I couldn't stop dreaming about it.
I thought I had let go of hoping for it.
Until last night...
Dreams.
Just Wishing.
Just Wanting.
You.

It is in my opinion that moments are fleeting. Days are spent attempting to find that one perfect moment. Twenty seconds of perfection before the moment ends and becomes nothing more than an undying memory. A memory that causes you to smile instantaneously.

But here's the thing.
He was my first love.
He was the first person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
He was the first person to make me see how beautiful life is.
He was the first person I craved to fall asleep with.
To never leave his arms.
He was the first person to show me what love truly is.
He was also the first person to break my heart.
To completely shatter me.
He caused me to cry for months.
To feel like nothing could ever make me happy again.
Now a year and a half later...
The pain is gone.
I don't think of him in every moment.
However I still think of him everyday.
I still love him.
But that's okay.
I'll fall in love one day again.
Knowing that what I had with him was irreplaceable.
That he will always be my first love.
That I will always be his.
Now, I just can't wait till the day I find my final love.

They say that the opposite of love is hate.
Though few realize the true opposite of love is indifference.
To not love for someone,
Is to not care for the person at all.
You do not dwell over them.
You do not get angry or feel sorrow over their actions.
It is true however that hate is a step away from love.
True hate I mean.
Not loath.
Not dislike.
But true hatred for another.
Because without love...
You feel nothing.
Only those who truly know someone.
Know the depths of their mind and soul.
Who have truly felt love for the person.
Can feel hatred towards them.
You can not despise ever fiber of another,
Unless you know every part of them as you know yourself.
Love and hate go hand in hand.
You can not have one without the other.
So as long as you hate someone...
Just know,
Even if it is the tiniest part of you.
Or hidden in the deepest depths of your heart.
Apart of you still feels a love towards them.

I've gained sanity and peace of mind though lost almost everything else in the process.
Now I'm left here asking
"Was it worth it? Would I do it all again if given the choice?"
And I've come to realize I would.
I would do everything exactly the same.
No matter how many opportunities I was given.
I wouldn't change a single decision because every choice I've made,
no matter how horrible has led me here.
I've been led to this exact moment.
I've been led to you.
The girl smiling back at me through the mirror.

Here I am.
Back in this town.
Back in this bed.
Laying in a room with glow in the dark stars scattered on the walls.
Here I am.
With one of my best friends asleep in my bed and drunk.
Here I am on the phone with my other best friend.
As she throws up from anxiety.
Scared to death because the boy she loves got busted.
Here I am.
With the guy I like just down the street with the girl he likes laying next to him.
Here I am.
Too stressed to think of sleep.
Wishing desperately I had more than two cigarettes left.
Laying with no excitement for the sun to come up and the next day to begin.
I should have known better than to visit home.
This town is nothing more than a black hole of drugs, heartbreak, and destruction.
Here I am.
I worked so hard to let go of who I am in this place.
I thought one week would be safe.
Here I am.
Slipping back into old habits.
Watching my life slip back into old habits.
Simply because I'm back in this town.
Back in this room.
Back in this bed.
Here I am.
Wishing I was anywhere else.

I may be scared out of my mind. But I know in my heart that I'll always have you. So it doesn't matter what my mind says. Because I'll always be okay when you're at my side.

How does one sit there living in normalcy.
Once the heartbreak is over.
And you're no longer living in the love story of a lifetime.
A love story filled with dark minds and never ending friendship.
Where the commoner boy spends months comforting the princess.
Secretly winning her heart over.
Where they become bestfriends.
Become each other's entire worlds.
But don't believe they could make it work.
Don't believe because they live different lives.
Though get to a point where neither can deny it.
They've been in love with each other since the beginning.
All they want is each other.
So they find a way.
They make it work.
They are happy and in love.
They spend all of their moments together.
They have a stronger love than anyone could ever imagine.
But things happen.
It ends.
They end.
They were still happy.
They were still in love.
But they couldn't make it work.
Her dark mind,
Her depression and desire to die became too strong.
She snapped and he couldn't help her.
He struggled with his own darkness.
They began to conflict.
Their worlds were becoming to different to combine.
It was too hard to be together.
So it ended.
Their friendship soon after began to close too.
Their love begins to fade out.
Sometimes you find the one...
Find your soulmate.
The one who you know better than yourself.
Love more than you could ever imagine possible.
Yet circumstances cause it to end.
It has nothing to do with your love.
It's just not the right time.
So the love story ends.
It comes to a close.
Once the heartbreak is over.
You have to learn to live a normal life again.
A life without each other.

Hearing your name feels like a knife to my heart.
Speaking your name takes all my effort,
As though the words are suffocating me.
Yet...
Your name never leaves my mind.
In all my thoughts.
Over and over again...
Repeating a thousdand times a day.

*And I miss hearing you say my name

I feel like I am always hiding.
Never showing the real me.
Never telling anybody how I feel or what I think.
I have always hidden inside and out.
I physically hide behind my long hair and spunky clothing.
I mentally hide behind this wall that I created long ago.
I hid from my friends, my family, and the one I love.
And as I am getting closer and closer
to all of these people for the first time...
I can feel this wall slowly start to crumble,
And it scares me like nothing has before.
I am slowly starting to talk more,
and get comfortable with everyone.
Escape from my shell, I guess.
I have always hidden, inside and out.
I honestly don't know how much longer it is going to last.
But I can tell it won't be that long.
And it scares me and makes me for the first time...
feel vulnerable and kind of raw in a way.
Part of me wants them to actually know who I am.
But I am scared...
I have always hidden inside and out
And I don't know what to do.
Should I give and let them in?
Or should I try to stay hidden?
And just wait for this wall to crumble?

It is said that thoughts create reality.
That if you focus hard enough,
If you focus long enough on something...
That it is destined to come into play.
Granted I'm not telling you to just sit around and wait for it to occur.
Nothing in life comes from doing nothing.
You still have to try.
You just have to make sure you never stop focusing on it.
You have to believe with all of you that it will occur.
And it will...
Just have faith in the world.
Have faith in yourself.
If you strive for success you will make it.
If you live waiting for something horrible to happen.
It will happen.
Let your mind create the reality around you.
Let your life thrive.
If you take every turn expecting disaster it will occur.
Believe in yourself.
Otherwise nothing good your hoping for will happen.
And everything dreadful you expect to occur will.

I'm struggling to find the words to say to describe how I feel.
Do I write another love poem about how happy and peaceful I feel.
Do I write another poem about how scared happiness makes me.
Do I write about emotions I use to feel when my mind was dark and shattered.
Back when my poetry was at its height.
When the words came without a thought and I could write 20 poems in a night.
Broken hearts and tormented minds create such beautiful lines.
Now I understand why the best artists are always driven with pain.
It makes me wish I was still driven with pain.
How sick does one have to be to think this way.
To wish that someone could break my heart so I can write just one more beautiful line.

Rain pouring down on an old roof.
Thunder roaring through the sky.
Lightning streaking past.
Wind swayed trees.
Soaking wet clothes.
Water glistening hair.
Then there's her.
Dancing without a care in the world.

I've had an interesting past week.
With old memories appearing.
New memories being created.
This realization was bound to be met.
Anxiety filled I flew home to see everyone.
A sense of calm settled once I arrived.
Things were so simple.
So casual.
We all settled back into old routines.
And then the memories hit.
Things I didn't even realize I had forgotten.
What it felt like when we were all best friends.
When we were all family.
How it felt when drama began to tear us all apart.
Though the most intense memory that appeared is one I wish I had never felt.
I remembered what being in love with him was like.
How it felt to lay in each other's arms for hours while laughing and talking about nonsense.
I remembered every detail of how heartbroken I was when things ended.
I remembered how much I wanted to kiss him when he got excited over nothing.
How annoyingly cute his horrible memory is.
I remembered just how in love I was with every perfection and flaw he has.
And then I realized...
I'm still in love with him.
Apart of me will always be in love with him.
We've shared too much.
Been through too much not to be.
Without him I would never have been through what I have.
I wouldn't be the person I am.
I wouldn't have the friends I do.
The dreams I have.
He completely changed my life.
I'm over pretending.
I love him.
I'm in love with him and always will be.
However our lives are no longer compatible and it has been a long time since I've wanted him.
He will always be the love of my life.

As cliche and over used as it may be,
All things happen for a reason.
Bad, Heartbreaking moments that make it feel as though the world has shattered beneath your feet.
However, these painful moments appear with a purpose.
They appear with something in store for us on the other side.
We are needed to do something,
To come across a discovery,
Or to become someone new.
A journey that could not have previously occurred.
So you may be in pain.
The tears may flow to the point you think they will never end.
But I know you are strong.
I know you're about to go down a beautiful path.

Everything about who I am is dissolving and forming into someone new.
I'm letting go of my past.
Embracing the future with an open hand.
I love the life I've lived.
The friends I've had for years.
However if I keep caring on the way I am;
I will no longer be alive to write these words I so often do.
I'm starting new.
I'm going to leave those who doubt me stuck in disbelief.
This is my oath to myself.
It's time for change.
It's time to say goodbye.
I'm ready to begin the next chapter of my life.
I'm ready to be free of heartbreaking memories.
This is my new beginning.
For now on the girl I was will be buried in the ashes of what she once loved.

I'd rather have you **** me now
Than the torture of life mentally break me down.
So deeply broken.
I would rather just disappear

There's so much fear building up inside of me
So much regret and so much sorrow.
I've been through hell and back.
I've seen darker things than most can comprehend.
I've spent days crying.
Nights drinking.
Hidden moments cutting.
All things I used to hide.
Hide from the past.
From the emotional torments I still hold.
The memories I run from.
Memories of my uncle yelling.
Memories of the loneliness,
Of the darkness inside of my mind.

And then there's now....
Now I sit here facing my fears.
Facing the past and all that has occurred.
Remembering instead of hiding.
Sober instead of drunk.
Writing instead of cutting.
I've gone through hell and back to change.
To be the person I want to be.
Not the person I used to hide.

And now...
I am so scared
Scared to go back to my life.
To be the person I am now.
In the world that drug me down.
But here I am facing my fears...

I don't know what it is like to raise a child.
I praise all who have.
I lost my child.
I miscarried and lost the ability to ever hold that baby.
Ever look into their eyes.
See their smile.
Hear their laugh.

I do know what it's like to fear for your child.
Scream with everything in you for that baby to be safe and healthy.

I know what it's like to love your child.
Love them so much it redefines your understanding of love.

I know what it's like to know that you're creating a life.
That you'd do anything to protect that life.
You would give your own life for their safety.

I never had the chance to meet my child.
Though I felt that baby inside of me.
I feed that baby.
I loved with everything inside of me.
I would have given my own life for theirs.
So their eyes could meet the world.

I never had my baby.
Yet, that baby changed my entire life.
Changed the way I loved.  
The way I saw the world.
The way I looked at life.
Even though the time I had it, was short.
The time I knew I had it, even shorter.

I understand now that all parents do everything out of fear and love.
Anxiety over their child being hurt.
Going through the hardships they did.
Because they want their world to be bright and happy.
Filled with love.
So take a moment and be thankful for your parents.
Their love for you is one none can describe.

I loved my baby.
In a way no words will ever explain.

Yesterday night I was told to do something different today.
Something that I never do normally.
So at 3 in the morning when I was in mental hell.
I called my bestfriends mom.
She was the only person I wanted to talk too.
She always told me to call her even at night.
Though she didn't answer.
I really needed her.
So instead of sitting there on the verge of tears.
I did something different.
I walked across town to see her.
I needed her.
So I got up and walked.
I didn't let myself sit in my own misery.
I didn't allow myself to fall into the norm.

I sit here silently
With only the thought of you on my mind
As a smile appears on my face
And my heart starts racing
I begin to get severe butterflies
Your voice and laugh playing in my mind
I feel at such ease
You're my everything
You're my bestfriend
I've never been this in love
To lose you would to be to lose the other half of me
But I have this feeling deep down
That you'll be around for the rest of my life
I mean...
Bestfriend means forever and always right?

It's okay to cry.
It's okay to be in pain.
It's okay to feel dead.
It's okay to want to scream.
It's okay to feel torn in half.
It's okay to not know how to survive.
It's okay.
Because you'll get through.
So in the mean time...
Cry.
Feel the pain.
Scream.
Spend hours ranting.
Do everything you need to.
Then get back up.
Someday you'll learn a new way to survive.
It will be okay.

She is the definition of perfection.
She is elegant and poised.
Knows true pain with every fiber of her being yet never falters.
Never stops smiling.
Has a kindness to her that is beyond compare.
Her body isn't perfect yet there's not one thing you could say is wrong with it.
To all who she meets they see kindness.
Innocents.
A pure heart and soul.
But underneath all of that she is wild and passionate.
Living every moment as though she will never live again.
She is everything about myself I wish I had the courage to see.
To summarize she is me.

There's so much going on
And nobody understands
But everything has a purpose
And inside every purpose
There's a plan.

Moving on is an illusion.
It's simply a state of mind to ease the pain.
You love until you don't.
You're hurting until you're okay.
You want them until you don't care.
Not for one minute does it lessen or get easier.
Not until the day it's simply gone.
There is no moving on process.
You simply just stop caring,
Stop wanting,
Stop loving,
And stop hurting one day.
*Just like that they're never thought of again

Tears streaming down my face
The pain in my chest more than I can bear
As the addiction tries to get a tighter hold of me
It becomes even harder to resist
The alcohol
The cutting
Everything
I feel empty on the inside
It's like I'm in a pitch black room
There's a lot of bright furniture and it is very colorful
But you can't see any of it
That's what the depression does
I have positive emotions
But all I feel are the negative
Or none at all
On the rare occasion light shines through
And I can somewhat feel
But it does never last long
And when it goes away it becomes even darker
Alcohol gave false light
Made it as if I could see when I couldn't
Cutting made me forget why it was dark to begin with
But it lasted an even shorter time
The darker it gets the more suicidal I become
All I want is to be able to let light shine through
Theoretically I mean
I just want to be able to cope with how I feel
Be able to get through each day without having a breakdown
Be able to sleep without waking up even more depressed
Without waking up crying my eyes out
I'm tired of faking my emotions to people
To the people I care about especially
For me to be an alcoholic at such a young age
It's a horrible thing
My life is really messed up currently
I'm trying everything in my power to get back on the right path
Currently I'm over 40days sober
It's a hard journey to go through
I'm fortunate enough to have people help me
But it always seems like the people I want most to be there never are.
My depression is so deep-rooted now
After 6 years of residing in me
It's almost impossible to get rid
But I'm trying every day
Not for me
But for the ones I love
Because no matter how bad I feel
The people I care about
Will always mean the world to me

For the first time I feel at peace within my own mind and it's a beautiful feeling.
I have rid myself of the pieces I dispise.
Embraced the positives I hold.
Learned how to love the parts I've never understood.
The love I hold for the universe is raw and pure.
The passion I have for art is unique and bold.
The smile my face has developed is beautiful and real.
The anger I showed for so long is fading away.
While happiness and sanity is taking its place.
I'm falling in love with the girl I've always dreamed to be.
I truly have begun to finally feel like the girl everyone has always seen in me.

Feeling the blade.
Feel it run across your skin.
Slowly and steadily moving along...
More and more until the blood starts to appear.
Stopping before it gets to deep.
Scared...
Because it barely hurts...
Scared because you never thought,
It would come to this.
Never thought you would ever get bad enough,
To do something like this.
Being just so scared.
Finally making yourself stop.
Promising yourself to never do it again.
Not fully understanding why you did it in the first place.
And eventually regretting and trying to hide it.
Ashamed you let yourself get to that bad of a place.

Four years ago I was 14 years old.
An alcoholic on a path of destruction.
Three years ago I was 15 years old.
A girl madly in love for the first time.
Two years ago I was 16 years old.
I had lost everything I loved.
One year ago I was 17 years old.
Attempting to rebuild myself.
Today I am 18 years old.
Everything has changed.
I've never been such a different person compared to the one I use to be.
I always had one common attribute.
I was depressed, angry, and unhappy.
I was scared, anxious, and hated myself.
So much has changed in the past few years.
My friends.
My family.
My life.
Who I am at the core.
I'm truly happy now.
So much has changed.
Yet I look exactly the same.

After sleepless nights filled with suicidal thoughts I cover myself in paint and fill my mind with music and not until that moment do I know that it will all be okay. That I will be okay.

Leave me alone
Doesn't mean leave me alone
It means hold me as tight as you can and never let go
Go away
Doesn't mean go away
It means prove to me that you want to stay
Because truthfully
It's like I'm dying when you leave me alone
So please
Pretty please, promise me
Promise you're never going to leave

Devastating times rise from the ashes of the happiest of occasions.

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
You hate me...
And I'm in love with you!

Walking home from being with you.
It's 6am in the mid of winter.
The wind moving around with a numbing cold.
Snowflakes gently falling to the ground.
But still I smile.
I look around at all the street lights and,
See beauty everywhere I turn.
Feeling so happy.
So free.
The cold doesn't even touch me.
For you had finally gotten the courage,
To kiss me for the first time.
As I walk, I start to think.
Of all that has just pasted.
How you seemed so unsure of yourself at first.
How your lips felt like perfection against mine.
How kissing you made me feel so happy inside.
I think about everything.
Every touch,
Every thought,
Every breathe that had accord.
Every moment of being in your arms.
It makes me feel better than anything in this world.
The night was amazing.
Or well morning I guess...
I spent the whole time worrying.
But right now as I walk home.
I am so glad that I sneaked out to be with you.
As I keep walking the snow fall gets heavier with every second.
And the wind starts to pick up.
I have only two thoughts left on my mind
How hard it is to fall asleep without you there,
and how truly amazing you are.

I found a note today.
It was stuck inside my old eyeshadow.
The one that use to stay at your house.
All it had was four little words scribbled on it.
Four little words that use to mean everything.
They stand for everything we once were.
Looking at these words.
Clear as day in your hand writing...
I can't stop myself from crying
All these memories now swarming my head.
The torture is overwhelming.

I have this feeling
It lives in my every thought
Embodies my every moment
I feel it stronger than anything I ever have before
I'm more sure of this than I have any other time one of these feelings have occurred
Feelings of what will come to be
I feel it knotted in the pit of my stomach
I feel it with an ache in my heart
Desperately waiting for the moment to occur
I know it will happen
I feel it
I've waited one year now
And I'll keep waiting
I have never been wrong before
No matter how much I hoped to be
I have to be right
I couldn't bear it otherwise

Could you do me a favor?
Could you come here.
And lay with me.
Hold me in your arms.
Protect me from all harm.
Love me.
Kiss me.
And never leave my side?
Could you do that?
Do that for me.
Could you please just come here.
And hold me as I sleep.
So the first and last thing I will see is your face.
First and last thing I hear is your voice.
Could you do me a favor?
And always be right next to me.
Holding my hand.
Calling me yours.
While you stare into my eyes.
That's all I want.
All I ask.
All I need.
Is for you to come here.
And hold me tight in your arms.
And promise that you are never going to let go.