Im on the edge of breaking..
Of going off the deep end
I just wish somebody could see that
See how miserable I am inside
How close I am to breaking
To shattering to thousands of pieces
It seems like the slightest thing will destroy the last shred of hope left in me
It seems like the slightest thing anyone says to me is going to shatter what's left of me

I'd rather have you **** me now
Than the torture of life mentally break me down.
So deeply broken.
I would rather just disappear

I sit here silently
With only the thought of you on my mind
As a smile appears on my face
And my heart starts racing
I begin to get severe butterflies
Your voice and laugh playing in my mind
I feel at such ease
You're my everything
You're my bestfriend
I've never been this in love
To lose you would to be to lose the other half of me
But I have this feeling deep down
That you'll be around for the rest of my life
I mean...
Bestfriend means forever and always right?

After sleepless nights filled with suicidal thoughts I cover myself in paint and fill my mind with music and not until that moment do I know that it will all be okay. That I will be okay.

I can trace all of this back to one single moment.
Yet even if I could change that moment,
Change my past...
I still think I was always destined to meet him.
And I truly believe he would not have taken a liking to me had I been any different.
Though maybe he would have.
Maybe he would have stayed.
But would I have all this wisdom I do now.
The wisdom I use to help save those surrounding me had my story been different.
This is what I need to keep me going.
Focusing on not my pain but saving all those around me with the wisdom my pain has led me to carry.
The wisdom that has come from losing him and everything else in my life that has ended in catastrophe.

Moving on is an illusion.
It's simply a state of mind to ease the pain.
You love until you don't.
You're hurting until you're okay.
You want them until you don't care.
Not for one minute does it lessen or get easier.
Not until the day it's simply gone.
There is no moving on process.
You simply just stop caring,
Stop wanting,
Stop loving,
And stop hurting one day.
*Just like that they're never thought of again

Sometimes it feels like reality is eons away.
In those moments.
I just need somebody to grab my hand and pull me back down to earth.
Be my life line to the rest of humanity.

I have this feeling
It lives in my every thought
Embodies my every moment
I feel it stronger than anything I ever have before
I'm more sure of this than I have any other time one of these feelings have occurred
Feelings of what will come to be
I feel it knotted in the pit of my stomach
I feel it with an ache in my heart
Desperately waiting for the moment to occur
I know it will happen
I feel it
I've waited one year now
And I'll keep waiting
I have never been wrong before
No matter how much I hoped to be
I have to be right
I couldn't bear it otherwise

There's so much going on
And nobody understands
But everything has a purpose
And inside every purpose
There's a plan.

Feeling the blade.
Feel it run across your skin.
Slowly and steadily moving along...
More and more until the blood starts to appear.
Stopping before it gets to deep.
Scared...
Because it barely hurts...
Scared because you never thought,
It would come to this.
Never thought you would ever get bad enough,
To do something like this.
Being just so scared.
Finally making yourself stop.
Promising yourself to never do it again.
Not fully understanding why you did it in the first place.
And eventually regretting and trying to hide it.
Ashamed you let yourself get to that bad of a place.

I found a note today.
It was stuck inside my old eyeshadow.
The one that use to stay at your house.
All it had was four little words scribbled on it.
Four little words that use to mean everything.
They stand for everything we once were.
Looking at these words.
Clear as day in your hand writing...
I can't stop myself from crying
All these memories now swarming my head.
The torture is overwhelming.

Today I said goodbye.
I took my last pictures.
I blew a kiss of farewell to the bittersweet memories that this room,
that this house holds.

It is hard for me to fathom how everyone around you can spend months begging you to talk about your feelings.
How they can make you believe it's okay.
They make you think they want to hear.
Want to know.
That it's okay to break down to them.
It's hard for me to fathom how they can say all these things to you, trying to get you to break down your walls.
However the second you do they're no where in sight.
All of these people are no where in sight.
You message them pouring out your heart because they said they will be there.
Then spend hours waiting for a response they never seem to send.
It makes it so you stop speaking to everyone again.
It makes it so you don't even want to have surface level conversations with them.
You trusted they will be there.
They promised.
It's hard for me to fathom what changed in the time it took for you to open up.
What caused them to stop caring.

Can't breathe
So many butterflies I feel sick
Heart pounding
Is it just me or am I falling again
It's a weird sensation
I've only ever had for one other
But it's happening again
For some reason I just have a draw to this kid

I don't often write happy poetry.
I'm not one for sunshine,
And rainbows.
My poetry is normally full of sorrow, anger, and heartbreak.
Yet.
My life has become overrun with joy.
The past few days have been extraordinary.
I haven't smiled so brightly in what feels like lifetimes.
I haven't truly experienced laughter in months.
I'm home.
I'm back in the arms of my family.
So here is my happy poem.
Enjoy it.
They are very rare.
I'm home.
I finally feel more than okay.
Depression and anxiety being pushed away.
Because I'm laying here with my friends.
With my family.

Remember When...
You were mine.
When you and I walked side by side.
How your hand fit perfectly in mine.
Remember how it felt...
The first time you held me.
The first time we kissed.
How it felt...
Just to be near one another.
Remember all the conversations,
All the secrets and promises we shared.
All the times smiling and laughing together.
Remember When...
That's all I ask,
Just don't forget all the  times when you were mine

I've come to know a beauty so amazing even this doesn't compare. Standing here with him, I stare only into his eyes.

I miss you so much.
Please come back to me.

All I had last night were nightmares
Every time I close my eyes I want to scream.
I see cars crashing.
Guns firing.
People running, screaming, and fighting.
A continuous blur of my many dreams last night.
But most of all I see the worst nightmare out of them all.
You leaving.
You leaving me, and I knowing you're not coming back.
And even though I know none of this will ever come true.
Every time I close my eyes today...
It's all I can see.

And even through the most stressful days I have finally learned the ability to smile and laugh as though I'm in love with every sight I see.

Walking home from being with you.
It's 6am in the mid of winter.
The wind moving around with a numbing cold.
Snowflakes gently falling to the ground.
But still I smile.
I look around at all the street lights and,
See beauty everywhere I turn.
Feeling so happy.
So free.
The cold doesn't even touch me.
For you had finally gotten the courage,
To kiss me for the first time.
As I walk, I start to think.
Of all that has just pasted.
How you seemed so unsure of yourself at first.
How your lips felt like perfection against mine.
How kissing you made me feel so happy inside.
I think about everything.
Every touch,
Every thought,
Every breathe that had accord.
Every moment of being in your arms.
It makes me feel better than anything in this world.
The night was amazing.
Or well morning I guess...
I spent the whole time worrying.
But right now as I walk home.
I am so glad that I sneaked out to be with you.
As I keep walking the snow fall gets heavier with every second.
And the wind starts to pick up.
I have only two thoughts left on my mind
How hard it is to fall asleep without you there,
and how truly amazing you are.

I see you over there.
Looking as perfect as ever.
Completely absorbed in what you are doing.
With the face of an angel you look up,
and smile straight at me.
Your eyes shining that amazing shade of green,
Staring right into the caramel color of mine.
I just sit there and smile back.
Wondering to myself,
How was I lucky enough to get you.
To be able to call you "My Love"
You're way to smart,
And way to perfect.
For someone as ordinary as I.
Yes, you have your faults.
But I don't care!
In my eyes you are more than perfection.
And I love you so...
Please, Never leave my side.

I miss you
I miss sitting in the passenger seat of your car while you drove and held my hand
I miss running around my room joking around with you
I miss being curled up with you
I miss kissing you
I miss make stupid faces with you
I miss just walking around and making random noises
I miss you
I miss the feel of your arms around me
I miss the way your eyes dilate while turning a deep green everytime we kiss
I miss the way you look at me
And even more the way you react to how I look at you
I miss your smile
And making you smile again and again
I miss it all
I miss just sitting there next you
I miss waking up and immediately seeing you
I miss you so ******* much
These days **** being so far from you
But I know they'll end soon
But for now
I just miss you
And that's all I can ever think
Is how much these next few weeks will ****.
Being so far from you

The thought of writing how I feel makes my skin burn.
My heart races in my chest and it becomes hard to breathe.
I used to write every day.
The words would flow out in this never-ending stream.
I wonder what changed?
I wonder why I am so scared to put how I feel into words the way I used to.
Will I ever be able to turn feelings into eloquent writing again?
The way I used to or at least tried to...

How the **** am I suppose to not be madly in love with you.
How am I suppose to sit next you and stop my hands from memorizing you.
How am I suppose to walk next you and not hold your hand.
How the **** am I suppose to talk to you without being overwhelmed by the urge to kiss you.
How am I supposed to speak with you and not flirt or say things that would make you blush till the days over.
How the **** am I suppose to not act like I'm in love with you.
I can't do it.
Especially with you still secretly looking at me how you do.
When you're secretly holding me and holding my hand when nobody's looking.
When you're just coming up and kissing me so quickly that nobody can notice.
How the **** do I stop treating you like I always have?!
Like I have since before we even dated to begin with.
**** this is to hard.
I'm always going to be in love with you...
How the **** am I suppose to do this!?

I can feel the darkness returning.
I can feel it spreading through my entire body.
Overcoming my mind.
Just as everything started to ease.
Life was becoming good.
The darkness has once again decided to reappear.
I can feel my heart hardening.
My mind becoming angry and bitter.
Closed off to those around me.
I'm losing my desire to get out of bed.
To try.
The depression is returning.
As it always must.

I believe in many different things.
I believe there's a chance all myths could be true.
All stories could have happened.
I've seen enough to know there's miracles in the world.
So I always keep an open mind.
The idea of soul mates intrigued me.
I always wished for it to be true.
True that there's one person on this earth who you'll never love more.
Never know better.
But I was wary of it.
Never wanting to think about it enough that I convince myself that it exist or doesn't.
And then he came along.
Even before I actually knew him..
He stuck out to me.
Though it wasn't until months after we became friends that I realized.
Realized he was that one kid I could never get out of my head.
It had nothing to do with attraction.
He was just a random, nameless person.
But I couldn't forget him.
Once we were friends.
I fell hard.
Nobody understood,or cared for me like him.
I'd never known somebody so well.
I learned everything about him.
He knew just as much about me.
We became each others other halves.
Spent all our time at each others side.
Because that's where we felt the best.
The happiest.
I fell in a deeper love than ever thought possible.
Which is what I believe a soul mate does for you.
It's somebody who you love the most.
Know the best.
Nobody will ever trump that.
It doesn't have to be the person you're with.
Your husband or boyfriend.
You could never meet them.
It's simply just the one person in the world,
Who is your other half.
The person who makes you feel whole.

I dreamt of you again
And it's killing me inside

It's four in the morning and my mind is overwhelming. I'm three months sober again and fighting like hell everyday to continue to be the person I have become and the person I want to be. Now here I lay wondering why it is that I always want to cave the most when everyone else is asleep and I have to fight off the urge on my own.

My bestfriend stopped speaking to me.
My bestfriend.
The person who has held me in my darkest moments for the past three years.
The one who got me through everything I went through last year.
He stopped speaking to me.
There was no fight.
He just stopped.
It's been almost a whole month now.
I pretend as though I don't care.
That it doesn't bother me.
Yet.
I miss him in every moment.
I miss his inappropriate comments.
How he could turn the simplest statement into some ****** joke.
I miss the way he always bribed me to clean his room.
I miss the way he was always there.
For the past three years he has always been there.
In return I always tried my hardest to do the same.
Now he's not.
The money I had saved up for his birthday is just sitting there.
I don't know if I'll ever get him back.
And now there is a picture of us as the background on my phone.
Torturing me.
I'm torturing myself and he's probably asleep.
We agreed to never leave each other like everyone else has.
We agreed to love each other when we had nobody else to love us.
So where is he.
Doesn't he realize he did the exact same thing as him.
He broke all of his promises.
He broke my heart in a way it's never broken before.

How is it that once my life becomes sane.
I become healthy.
I become happy.
It causes my writing to suffer.
The words evade me.
The poet in me comes to a halt.
It is something I can not understand.

I saw a shooting star tonight and I'm thinking of you my precious baby.
R.I.P. January 15, 2015

You can smile and laugh
You can have fun with friends
Have good and even great days
But nobody will know how truly happy you are
Unless they're there every night as you cry yourself to sleep

It's like the earth is shattering around me.
Chaos is swirling through the air.
All the buildings are beginning to crumble.
Brick after brick falling to the ground.
Everything has begun to wither and die.
Destruction is over running the world.
And I'm just sitting there in the center of it all.
I'm sitting in the eye of the storm.
Watching as everything I've ever known falls through the cracks of the universe.

It's all just so amusing.
My family still asks me about you.
They ask how you're doing,
Or if we've talked.
They ask about you moving to Rhode Island.
Your grandfather still sends your mom home with popcorn for me.
Your step dad gives me rides home from work.
I still call your mom when I'm freaking out and need someone to talk to.
Your sister still likes my photos on Facebook.
Your younger brother video called me last night to show me how big the new puppy has gotten.
And it's all so amusing to me.
We are not apart of each others lives at all anymore.
However, we are still covering each other's worlds.
I guess this is what happens when you become one with someone so intensely.  
You can never completely leave behind the connections you created together.
The bonds you created with the people who matter most to the other.

Somedays I wish I didn't miss you.
Because if I didn't miss you that would mean you'd be here with me.
And I really want to just not be missing you.

I dreamt of you last night.
There wasn't much to it.
It was just you and I talking.
Sitting on the couch talking for hours.
I can't remember what we talked about.
All I remember is that all the stuff that has happened recently...
Didn't matter.
We were still bestfriends.
And we talked for hours.

It's as simple as that.
It's never going to change.
I'm your "forever girl"
Remember?
I'm forever going to love you...

Welcome to Twenty-Sixteen.
Congratulations!
We all made it.
The year from hell is over.
I can finally step away.
Move on and forget it all.
Move on and move forward.
Create a new life for myself.
Create a new way to hold on to happiness.
Goodbye Twenty-Fifteen thanks for all the memories.
Some of them were pretty great.

It's 8am and I still haven't slept.
The thought of you has driven sleep away.
I've finally laid down,
And begun to play our song on repeat.
Praying for the first time in 6months.
Begging to understand.
To learn how to be okay with all that's happened.
To understand why I had to lose that baby.
Why I had to lose you.
What is suppose to happen that I can't have you in my life for.
Asking for help.
Help to learn how to be okay if you're not suppose to be here.
And if you are suppose to come back to my life...
Like I so desperately feel that you are.
Help to have the patience to get there.
I don't know how to love myself anymore.
I don't know how to survive without my bestfriend at my side.
So I'm just begging to learn how to want to live without you here.
I just need help to find a way to understand.
I just want to understand.
Then maybe I can sleep.
Maybe I'll be okay.
Maybe I'll be able to clear my head enough to evade constantly thinking of you.
I barely eat.
I barely sleep.
I'm to preoccupied in missing you.
I just want to learn how not to miss you.
I just want to learn how to sleep.

Midnight came and pasted and all I am left with are my thoughts.
All my memories.
All my dreams.
All my pains.
All my plans and...
Most of all, all of my hopes.
When the sun goes down and everyone goes to sleep.
Its always just me left awake, the girl who never sleeps.
Stuck with only my thoughts.
I'm left thinking about my friends,
and family,
and school,
and him.
As my thoughts slowly start to suffocate me...
I start to cry.
Then I just lay there for hours.
Until I drift in to a forced sleep.
Finally free from my thoughts.
At least for a few more hours.

You became a part of my world this weekend.
You met my friends.
My family.
Those in this world that mean most to me.
You partied with us.
Laughed with us.
Saw apart of my life I rarely experience anymore.
Everyone loved you.
It was amazing.
I can't believe how perfectly you fit into my world.
You cause happiness and fun in a town I didn't know was capable of allowing it.
It's been so long since I've felt the way I did this weekend.
Even longer since I felt that way back home.
I finally felt at peace in the place that destroyed me.
Some how you've managed to bring light into every section of my life.

And in one picture the world froze and you could see the relaxation of the universe flowing of off the photo. With one simple image the world was no longer as harsh and damaged as it had been.

The past year I've reached a level of happiness I use to never think possible.
It's like I've become content with myself and life.
Yet lately I've begun to feel off.
My anxiety has begun to creep back up and is spilling out of me.
I'm losing my calm.
I can't stop overthinking.
Every conversation I have, every action I make echoes through my mind on a loop.
I'm scared to go to work.
Scared to speak at school.
Terrified my boyfriend is going to leave me.
And why?
I have no clue.
It won't stop.
I can't calm down.
I feel like I can't breathe and all I want is a cigarette.
Something I quit over a year ago.
I'm craving it the way I normally crave alcohol.
Like it's an overwhelming desire I can't bottle down.
I can't stop thinking.
I want it to stop.
I want to calm down.
I want to smoke.
And I can't.
I really don't know what to do.
F**k Anxiety.

I felt lost in the happiness and didn't know how to live.
I guess this is my karma for secretly missing the pain.
My life is turning upside down.
I'm no longer happy with how things have turned out.
I don't know how to fix this.
It feels as though this better life I've created has started to collapse.

I have two mottos:
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.
AND
**** happens.

I have one favorite quote:
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass,
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

I have two rules:
NEVER regret anything!
AND
Stay as pure as possible.

These are the things that I live by.
This explains alot about who I am.
These are the main things about me.

Theres somebody I know.
With the most amazing eyes you will see.
A body so perfect it makes you wanna scream.
Lips so full and a smile that you can spot a mile away.
Hair so thick and soft, it makes everyone full of jealously.
They have the most amazing personality you've ever meet.
And does the sweetest things.
With a humor that matches mine perfectly.
We all have that one person...
Who this describes almost perfectly.

I don't know why I still do this.
I don't know why I still cry.
I don't know why you still mean so much.
I don't know why I miss you
I don't know why I can't stop crying.
******* do I miss you.
And I refuse to tell anybody.
You hate me.
It's my fault you hate me.
But all I do is cry...
And miss you.
Why do I miss you.
I just don't know.....

Do you ever have those nights where you're laying in bed and all you want is someone to be there and hold you while you sleep?

Do you ever have those days were you're falling apart and all you want is someone to hold you while you cry?

I have them all the time.

*I just wish I had someone here to hold me.