I found a note today.
It was stuck inside my old eyeshadow.
The one that use to stay at your house.
All it had was four little words scribbled on it.
Four little words that use to mean everything.
They stand for everything we once were.
Looking at these words.
Clear as day in your hand writing...
I can't stop myself from crying
All these memories now swarming my head.
The torture is overwhelming.

Remember When...
You were mine.
When you and I walked side by side.
How your hand fit perfectly in mine.
Remember how it felt...
The first time you held me.
The first time we kissed.
How it felt...
Just to be near one another.
Remember all the conversations,
All the secrets and promises we shared.
All the times smiling and laughing together.
Remember When...
That's all I ask,
Just don't forget all the  times when you were mine

I believe in many different things.
I believe there's a chance all myths could be true.
All stories could have happened.
I've seen enough to know there's miracles in the world.
So I always keep an open mind.
The idea of soul mates intrigued me.
I always wished for it to be true.
True that there's one person on this earth who you'll never love more.
Never know better.
But I was wary of it.
Never wanting to think about it enough that I convince myself that it exist or doesn't.
And then he came along.
Even before I actually knew him..
He stuck out to me.
Though it wasn't until months after we became friends that I realized.
Realized he was that one kid I could never get out of my head.
It had nothing to do with attraction.
He was just a random, nameless person.
But I couldn't forget him.
Once we were friends.
I fell hard.
Nobody understood,or cared for me like him.
I'd never known somebody so well.
I learned everything about him.
He knew just as much about me.
We became each others other halves.
Spent all our time at each others side.
Because that's where we felt the best.
The happiest.
I fell in a deeper love than ever thought possible.
Which is what I believe a soul mate does for you.
It's somebody who you love the most.
Know the best.
Nobody will ever trump that.
It doesn't have to be the person you're with.
Your husband or boyfriend.
You could never meet them.
It's simply just the one person in the world,
Who is your other half.
The person who makes you feel whole.

You make me feel like I'm a little kid on a swing set.
The higher I get the more invincible I become.
The longer I swing the more at peace I feel.
You make me feel like I'm flying through the air.
Being in love with you is like being on a swing set.

It is hard for me to fathom how everyone around you can spend months begging you to talk about your feelings.
How they can make you believe it's okay.
They make you think they want to hear.
Want to know.
That it's okay to break down to them.
It's hard for me to fathom how they can say all these things to you, trying to get you to break down your walls.
However the second you do they're no where in sight.
All of these people are no where in sight.
You message them pouring out your heart because they said they will be there.
Then spend hours waiting for a response they never seem to send.
It makes it so you stop speaking to everyone again.
It makes it so you don't even want to have surface level conversations with them.
You trusted they will be there.
They promised.
It's hard for me to fathom what changed in the time it took for you to open up.
What caused them to stop caring.

All I had last night were nightmares
Every time I close my eyes I want to scream.
I see cars crashing.
Guns firing.
People running, screaming, and fighting.
A continuous blur of my many dreams last night.
But most of all I see the worst nightmare out of them all.
You leaving.
You leaving me, and I knowing you're not coming back.
And even though I know none of this will ever come true.
Every time I close my eyes today...
It's all I can see.

You can smile and laugh
You can have fun with friends
Have good and even great days
But nobody will know how truly happy you are
Unless they're there every night as you cry yourself to sleep

I see you over there.
Looking as perfect as ever.
Completely absorbed in what you are doing.
With the face of an angel you look up,
and smile straight at me.
Your eyes shining that amazing shade of green,
Staring right into the caramel color of mine.
I just sit there and smile back.
Wondering to myself,
How was I lucky enough to get you.
To be able to call you "My Love"
You're way to smart,
And way to perfect.
For someone as ordinary as I.
Yes, you have your faults.
But I don't care!
In my eyes you are more than perfection.
And I love you so...
Please, Never leave my side.

I've come to know a beauty so amazing even this doesn't compare. Standing here with him, I stare only into his eyes.

I miss you
I miss sitting in the passenger seat of your car while you drove and held my hand
I miss running around my room joking around with you
I miss being curled up with you
I miss kissing you
I miss make stupid faces with you
I miss just walking around and making random noises
I miss you
I miss the feel of your arms around me
I miss the way your eyes dilate while turning a deep green everytime we kiss
I miss the way you look at me
And even more the way you react to how I look at you
I miss your smile
And making you smile again and again
I miss it all
I miss just sitting there next you
I miss waking up and immediately seeing you
I miss you so ******* much
These days **** being so far from you
But I know they'll end soon
But for now
I just miss you
And that's all I can ever think
Is how much these next few weeks will ****.
Being so far from you

It's as simple as that.
It's never going to change.
I'm your "forever girl"
Remember?
I'm forever going to love you...

I saw a shooting star tonight and I'm thinking of you my precious baby.
R.I.P. January 15, 2015

There are somedays I would give my entire world to be that girl again.
The girl I was.
When I first got sober.
When I was inlove.
Before my world crashed.
Then I have to remember that I'm not.
It's okay that I've changed.
That my life has changed.
I may have been happy then.
However, I am happy now.
At the end of the day,
that is all that counts.

It's four in the morning and my mind is overwhelming. I'm three months sober again and fighting like hell everyday to continue to be the person I have become and the person I want to be. Now here I lay wondering why it is that I always want to cave the most when everyone else is asleep and I have to fight off the urge on my own.

Midnight came and pasted and all I am left with are my thoughts.
All my memories.
All my dreams.
All my pains.
All my plans and...
Most of all, all of my hopes.
When the sun goes down and everyone goes to sleep.
Its always just me left awake, the girl who never sleeps.
Stuck with only my thoughts.
I'm left thinking about my friends,
and family,
and school,
and him.
As my thoughts slowly start to suffocate me...
I start to cry.
Then I just lay there for hours.
Until I drift in to a forced sleep.
Finally free from my thoughts.
At least for a few more hours.

Im on the edge of breaking..
Of going off the deep end
I just wish somebody could see that
See how miserable I am inside
How close I am to breaking
To shattering to thousands of pieces
It seems like the slightest thing will destroy the last shred of hope left in me
It seems like the slightest thing anyone says to me is going to shatter what's left of me

How is it that once my life becomes sane.
I become healthy.
I become happy.
It causes my writing to suffer.
The words evade me.
The poet in me comes to a halt.
It is something I can not understand.

There is such a question that appears even in the most Atheist mind.
Is there anything to expect after death?
Does your mind and soul disappear into the ground with you?
Or do you ascend into a higher realm of clouds and fairy dust?
A place where you can watch the ones you love from above.
Perhaps the afterlife consists of us walking the world observing life in the shadows.
Then maybe death involves the worst fate we can imagine,
Living in the firery depths of hell.
So here I sit pondering.
If I were to die, where would I go?
Would I be forced to see my loved ones mourn...
Would I never feel anything again?
These are the questions that sit between me and suicide.

I miss you so much.
Please come back to me.

It's all just so amusing.
My family still asks me about you.
They ask how you're doing,
Or if we've talked.
They ask about you moving to Rhode Island.
Your grandfather still sends your mom home with popcorn for me.
Your step dad gives me rides home from work.
I still call your mom when I'm freaking out and need someone to talk to.
Your sister still likes my photos on Facebook.
Your younger brother video called me last night to show me how big the new puppy has gotten.
And it's all so amusing to me.
We are not apart of each others lives at all anymore.
However, we are still covering each other's worlds.
I guess this is what happens when you become one with someone so intensely.  
You can never completely leave behind the connections you created together.
The bonds you created with the people who matter most to the other.

I've struck an epiphany.
One I'm sure countless others have had before me.
One I'm sure has been realized so many times it's begun to lose its significance.
Yet here I am.
Lying awake with an obvious realization.
I have struggled with happiness for so long.
Struggled to have the capability to hold on to it.
Happiness has always been fleeting.
I grasp ahold and long to keep it.
However, I never seem to be able to.
I finally accepted last summer that I deserve happiness though still I struggle believing that.
When I fill my hours with others.
People to keep me away from myself.
I begin to feel as if I'm on cloud 9.
Everything in life seems to shift into place.
It always ends though.
I've never managed to hold on for longer than a few weeks at a time.
As if I'm in a constant never ending loop.
Now I realize for the first time why it ends.
I can't manage to be alone with myself.
You can only cover your days with people for so long before you end up alone for a night.
I can't stand being alone with myself.
No matter other people's opinions of me.
No matter how many people see me in a positive or amazing view.
I disgust myself.
I'm ashamed of myself.
I can't seem to find happiness in being alone with myself.
Not while I despise who I am.
Until I can find happiness sitting alone.
Until I can discover the good in me.
My happiness will always be fleeting.

My bestfriend stopped speaking to me.
My bestfriend.
The person who has held me in my darkest moments for the past three years.
The one who got me through everything I went through last year.
He stopped speaking to me.
There was no fight.
He just stopped.
It's been almost a whole month now.
I pretend as though I don't care.
That it doesn't bother me.
Yet.
I miss him in every moment.
I miss his inappropriate comments.
How he could turn the simplest statement into some ****** joke.
I miss the way he always bribed me to clean his room.
I miss the way he was always there.
For the past three years he has always been there.
In return I always tried my hardest to do the same.
Now he's not.
The money I had saved up for his birthday is just sitting there.
I don't know if I'll ever get him back.
And now there is a picture of us as the background on my phone.
Torturing me.
I'm torturing myself and he's probably asleep.
We agreed to never leave each other like everyone else has.
We agreed to love each other when we had nobody else to love us.
So where is he.
Doesn't he realize he did the exact same thing as him.
He broke all of his promises.
He broke my heart in a way it's never broken before.

I dreamt of you again last night.
I do not remember a single moment of the dream in detail.
The thoughts discussed and the actions taken are all a muddled blur.
I do remember that you hugged me.
I remember the feel of your arms wrapping around me.
My head resting on your chest.
The warmth emanating off of you.
The softness of your shirt.
Every fake moment of it, is etched into my mind.

I remember the feeling so deeply, that even now, wide awake and alone in a room I can feel your arms around me.

I dreamt of you last night.
There wasn't much to it.
It was just you and I talking.
Sitting on the couch talking for hours.
I can't remember what we talked about.
All I remember is that all the stuff that has happened recently...
Didn't matter.
We were still bestfriends.
And we talked for hours.

I can't escape from the thought of you.
Where ever I go and whatever I do.
You are always on my mind.
You are my last and first thought of the day,
and what I dream about every night.
The longer I go without seeing you, the worst it gets.
I am constantly reminded of memories of you.
There is never a moment anymore...
That you aren't on my mind.
I try to escape,
to distract myself from thinking of you....
I use to be able to go at least a few hours,
but now nothing works.
I am just stuck...
drowning in the thought of you.

Welcome to Twenty-Sixteen.
Congratulations!
We all made it.
The year from hell is over.
I can finally step away.
Move on and forget it all.
Move on and move forward.
Create a new life for myself.
Create a new way to hold on to happiness.
Goodbye Twenty-Fifteen thanks for all the memories.
Some of them were pretty great.

It's 8am and I still haven't slept.
The thought of you has driven sleep away.
I've finally laid down,
And begun to play our song on repeat.
Praying for the first time in 6months.
Begging to understand.
To learn how to be okay with all that's happened.
To understand why I had to lose that baby.
Why I had to lose you.
What is suppose to happen that I can't have you in my life for.
Asking for help.
Help to learn how to be okay if you're not suppose to be here.
And if you are suppose to come back to my life...
Like I so desperately feel that you are.
Help to have the patience to get there.
I don't know how to love myself anymore.
I don't know how to survive without my bestfriend at my side.
So I'm just begging to learn how to want to live without you here.
I just need help to find a way to understand.
I just want to understand.
Then maybe I can sleep.
Maybe I'll be okay.
Maybe I'll be able to clear my head enough to evade constantly thinking of you.
I barely eat.
I barely sleep.
I'm to preoccupied in missing you.
I just want to learn how not to miss you.
I just want to learn how to sleep.

I can feel the darkness returning.
I can feel it spreading through my entire body.
Overcoming my mind.
Just as everything started to ease.
Life was becoming good.
The darkness has once again decided to reappear.
I can feel my heart hardening.
My mind becoming angry and bitter.
Closed off to those around me.
I'm losing my desire to get out of bed.
To try.
The depression is returning.
As it always must.

No matter how much time I get with you it's never enough.
It won't ever be enough.
Not until the day I finally get to start spending every night falling asleep in your arms.
I miss you every second.
Not having you next to me is killing me.

Can't breathe
So many butterflies I feel sick
Heart pounding
Is it just me or am I falling again
It's a weird sensation
I've only ever had for one other
But it's happening again
For some reason I just have a draw to this kid

Theres somebody I know.
With the most amazing eyes you will see.
A body so perfect it makes you wanna scream.
Lips so full and a smile that you can spot a mile away.
Hair so thick and soft, it makes everyone full of jealously.
They have the most amazing personality you've ever meet.
And does the sweetest things.
With a humor that matches mine perfectly.
We all have that one person...
Who this describes almost perfectly.

I don't often write happy poetry.
I'm not one for sunshine,
And rainbows.
My poetry is normally full of sorrow, anger, and heartbreak.
Yet.
My life has become overrun with joy.
The past few days have been extraordinary.
I haven't smiled so brightly in what feels like lifetimes.
I haven't truly experienced laughter in months.
I'm home.
I'm back in the arms of my family.
So here is my happy poem.
Enjoy it.
They are very rare.
I'm home.
I finally feel more than okay.
Depression and anxiety being pushed away.
Because I'm laying here with my friends.
With my family.

And even through the most stressful days I have finally learned the ability to smile and laugh as though I'm in love with every sight I see.

How the **** am I suppose to not be madly in love with you.
How am I suppose to sit next you and stop my hands from memorizing you.
How am I suppose to walk next you and not hold your hand.
How the **** am I suppose to talk to you without being overwhelmed by the urge to kiss you.
How am I supposed to speak with you and not flirt or say things that would make you blush till the days over.
How the **** am I suppose to not act like I'm in love with you.
I can't do it.
Especially with you still secretly looking at me how you do.
When you're secretly holding me and holding my hand when nobody's looking.
When you're just coming up and kissing me so quickly that nobody can notice.
How the **** do I stop treating you like I always have?!
Like I have since before we even dated to begin with.
**** this is to hard.
I'm always going to be in love with you...
How the **** am I suppose to do this!?

The most epic love and brutal battles normally start and end with the simplest of words being said.

I dreamt of you again
And it's killing me inside

I can trace all of this back to one single moment.
Yet even if I could change that moment,
Change my past...
I still think I was always destined to meet him.
And I truly believe he would not have taken a liking to me had I been any different.
Though maybe he would have.
Maybe he would have stayed.
But would I have all this wisdom I do now.
The wisdom I use to help save those surrounding me had my story been different.
This is what I need to keep me going.
Focusing on not my pain but saving all those around me with the wisdom my pain has led me to carry.
The wisdom that has come from losing him and everything else in my life that has ended in catastrophe.

It feels as though my throat closes.
My lungs get stripped of all air.
My stomach gets twisted into a giant knot.
My heart gets crushed into oblivion.
Everytime one of our friends posts a picture of you.
Seeing you in person,
Is somehow even worse.
It feels as though you...
As though this pain...
Is slowly but surely killing me.

Today's the day.
The day I've been dreading for a year now.
Today's the day I lost my baby.
The memory of it all is crushing.
I don't know how to think.
How to feel....
It's as though there's an overwhelming sense of sorrow suffocating me.
I don't know how I'm going to get through this day.
I never met you...
But I love you my shooting star.
R.I.P.  My Love

The worst part about living in two places...
Is the constant goodbyes
The second you adjust and are happy again.
It's time to pack.
It's time to say goodbye.
I'm growing tired of the word.
So instead I'll leave off with this.
*I'll see you guys soon!

Do you ever have those nights where you're laying in bed and all you want is someone to be there and hold you while you sleep?

Do you ever have those days were you're falling apart and all you want is someone to hold you while you cry?

I have them all the time.

*I just wish I had someone here to hold me.

I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to think.
All these words in my head I don't know how to speak
I'm sick
****** up in the head
All I want to do is cry and laugh and scream and all these other things

Sometimes it feels like reality is eons away.
In those moments.
I just need somebody to grab my hand and pull me back down to earth.
Be my life line to the rest of humanity.

I think,
And I hope its not true.
I think,
I like him...
My bestfriend

Friends.
You love them.
You hate them
You care about them.
You want to **** them.
You do anything for them.
You'll die for them.
You'll lie for them.
Your always there for them.
You get mad.
You get annoyed.
You get jealous.
You get in fights.
You say things you don't mean.
You see who they actually are.
You not only see who they are...
You can see all the bad things about them...
You can see who they actually are!
And you don't care.
You don't care if they are obnoxious.
You don't care if they are jerks.
You love them anyways.
You'll be there for them no matter what.
They're always there for you.
You tell each other everything.
You keep each others secrets.
You become family.
You lose them and sometimes they come back.
You make new friends but still keep the old.
They're your friends!
They're your family!
They're the ones you can always count on.
You do stupid stuff together.
You make memories together.
You make mistakes together.
You get in trouble together
You're friends...

Everywhere I turn
Everything I see
Every word I hear
Every touch I feel
No matter what I do
It all leads back to memories of you

What are families now a days?
Are they full of love?
Yes
Are they full of dysfunction?
Even more so
Fights?
Constantly
You love them.
You hate them.
You need them.
You can't stand to be near them.
They keep you sane.
While driving you even more crazy.
But what are families?
Well...
They're simply that.
They're the ones you didn't chose.
They're the ones who never disappear from your life.
No matter how amazing or horrible they are.
They're always apart of you.

You look at me and are struck with beauty as you kiss me and call me a goddess.
I look at myself and see nothing but a broken piece of glass chipping away.

I've always thought about love
What type of person I'll fall for
What they'll look like
How love will feel
But then the second I realized I had fallen for you
All of my thoughts on love changed
You redefined my definition of love
You make me spin
And you make my heart forever race
None of this is how I ever thought
But I'm okay with that because...
Its even better

I don't know why I still do this.
I don't know why I still cry.
I don't know why you still mean so much.
I don't know why I miss you
I don't know why I can't stop crying.
******* do I miss you.
And I refuse to tell anybody.
You hate me.
It's my fault you hate me.
But all I do is cry...
And miss you.
Why do I miss you.
I just don't know.....