you want to know the way to get wrapped between these fingers
want me
to lean into you
arching my back
thinking only
to be closer to your breath
lean against your lips
kiss the way you sway in your step
think between your stunning laugh
trying to breath around the way you look at me
at things
at everything
rest up along the way your tongue traces
lace words places
making every thing between us an obstacle
I want your heat
I need your need,
I want the way your eyes gleam
when you're laughing at me
I love the way you resonate
the way you illuminate,
Your gravitational force, so enticing
your presence so enthralling
the vastness of your perspective so
expansive and sprawling
rough and luling
cyclical
you are all encompassing.

He made love to me mid-day,
In passion I couldn’t replicate
If I wanted too, it happened
And like all original acts was great.
How come I can’t shake this feeling
That the earth shakes when I’m
Moving and my heads turning
But I still see straight, I’m smiling
But I wish desperately I could be crying
Relieve some pressure from my
Chest, a bomb about to detonate,
The haze is clearing why can’t I feel
Anything how it is, how I think it is,
How it was, does it count as insanity
If never breathing soul sees that side of me?
I mean inside of me, that’s a cloud lurking
Over what today ought to be,  
Considering all the ****** up insanity
In lives of those surrounding me, I think
I just need a little attention in a world
That doesn’t give a ****
About my day to day happenings,
That doesn’t give a **** about poetry,
That doesn’t really give a ****
About my feelings.
But at least
There is a caring, daring, strong man
In my gray shade life, who makes love like
Aurora makes me see colored lights
A nice contrast to a stark life.
I just wish
I could fix
Myself for
One *******
Good night.
So he could breathe easy and
Finally believe me when I say
He’s doing everything exactly
How he should be and I’ll be all right
He’ll never understand his kiss
Is magic but can’t just fix,
Nineteen years of brokenness.
And I’ll never feel right knowing
He never deserved any part of this.
It’s just a bad day , a hard one the one
You know the type that last an eon.
Breaks your hope that time goes on,
Keeps you up past one in the morning
Thinking about how
You can’t do it right, and you forgot to
Text the best part of everything
Goodnight.

I was a shadow
An echo
An after thought
Of all my hopes and dreams,
Promises and insecurities,
I let myself down,
And even I watched in silence as I drown.
I woke with fresh life
And an urge to purge old baggage I hate
All the weight
I can’t have that.
So I Just let it go, and
Woke with my head exposed
And bobbing
On calmer waters,
Climbed onto shore got warm
And remembered feeling is hard,
I think being numb was harder.
I am quivering in anticipation
Lost all my patience in waiting
To experience something
Self illuminating.
I can’t tell if I’m falling apart
Or together but I’m feigning
Through life exploring my ache
At the thought of changing.
I’m moving on I’m done waiting.
I’m alive
This is
Exhilarating.

I have been alone to long, even in the end I was a haze in the distance.
I hate that I stayed.
Even that is over now,
I don’t need him.
I don’t know how I let this happen.
My thoughts scream,
But I’ll forgive myself I know,
I poured myself out into that soft reflection
And humming conviction and
I didn't really know you did I.
No, I didn't .
We had been parting ways for a long time,
Probably why I hardly cried,
But when you walked it stung the same.
Mostly for the things you say.
I hate you for your forced ignorance.
The way you blame everything,
I hate you for refusing to look at me,
Standing unclothed before you,
Wearing nothing but old scars
And my broken heart tied to my wrist.
I hate how you turned from my kiss,
I just wanted you to love me.
I’m so sick of feeling like this,
Like no one could ever touch me.

Waiting on skype
While you hurdle your life
Neatly packed into bags
Across your vacant room.
Wondering if there is still
Space enough for me to fit.
If I can exist the same,
When you step off the
Other side of the plane.
Wondering if there
Is space enough
To place a fist full
Of broken words and
Eyes that mist,
A thousand things
I’m going to miss
And a hug I can’t quite reach
And I think..
I wish..
That this…
Can't be..
Goodbye
I guess.

You've never met him…. she whispers,
Gathering concern in the creases between her brows.
Her eyes pulling everything out of the surface of my skin,
Trying to gauge my actions out, trying to change them
Looking for me to shift my words
Refusing to put herself in
My perspective, filling me with doubt.
I pull my thoughts of you out
Become the reflective introspective I am at heart.
Lost in your gentle voice wrapped in honest laughter,
In all the promises you so kindly never make,
Reveling in the bits of me you so sweetly never break.
So gently never bring me down, in the way you sing
And make me smile so hard my cheeks ache
I remember the exact way you shake your head,
When your sleepy and questioning something that I've said.
Perhaps it’s the exuberance in voice, how you light up when I laugh.
How you watch me when I waver and move forward like I never have,
How every second you use words to ask for answers
To questions no one else cares to ask,
How you let me pull back layers and you show me all your masks
And build me the biggest fort out of your silk sheets
And blankets for me to hide for two childish adults retreat
And day dream and discover  the colors in our eyes.
I begin to wonder how it came to be,
That you would see me clearer
Than she does.
She can’t understand how
From so far away you touched me
Softer, sweeter, hotter calmer,
Than anyone else had.
My stomach trembles at the thought of it,
At the thought of you and the tone you take
And the words you chose.
At the things you say, at the person you are
And the distance you break.

Well ..
I whisper my response making my gaze stronger
Inhaling a bit longer head spinning heart beating harder,
I've met him silly
He just lives far
He's seen me
And I him.
I've met him , pshh hes like
My best friend.

I told myself every idea was *******,
just white noise sloshing in my head,
until I could bury that urge to put pen to paper
knowing
deep down behind the wall of sinew and flesh
pumping oxygen and platelets
deep beneath my skin
I just  hated feeling like this.
I gave up expressing myself,
convinced
of my deaf audience
convinced
that perhaps everything
I did was
worthless,
When I broke my reality
and rose from the ashes fresh glazed
from the fiery kiln of my personal hell
I did not realize I was to experience the most
monumental of my creative acts,
the recreation of myself
in complete solitude.
And perhaps
I'm still a little angry'
and very sad.

Your smile is so warm and
Your hand feels so familiar in mine
I find I’m perpetually falling
When graced with your presence
I can never be safe when I want this
When I want things that don’t exist.
I feel so sorry
I can’t pretend like you do
I wish it was real
But the impact and inevitable devastation
Is not worth your immediate satisfaction,
My hesitation is my claim to my best decision
No sudden impulse has ruined me
I remain like always
As true to myself as I know how.
I will love me as much as you always should have
And your laugh makes me soft
And your memories bring me back to who I was
Before I broke,
But some words can’t be unspoken
And I don’t want to know how long
It takes, how hard you’ll fake before
We crumble
And I am only ashes.
I’m sorry
I’m so sorry
Your pain haunts me,
But that is not enough.
I’m afraid you will think in all the wrong ways
And never know the greatest gift I ever gave
Is that I don’t love like you do.
And when things change
They never fit quite the same.

You are there to put a smile on my face and chase
Away so many of life’s little anxiety’s
And I’m gratefully lost in your distraction
I’m finally settled at least
With these things surrounding our attraction
It’s true and I’m preoccupied with what
You hid and the things you said
You bridged the gap between
What I thought I couldn't do and what I did.
A foot hold on the parlous  rock face
To where the sun sinks below the rocks,
And time makes the past a still frame in space
And stars reflections of our hearts
And the ocean knocks against the distance.
You are the foundation for my self healing
Self-image and in maintaining my resilience
You impact me simply in your existence.

Brown little can resting on restless wheels
Waiting to carry me away,
Paint peeled  like every bit
Of my sense of security
I’m in fear of everything,
Of leaving my dreams and sense of identity
Of all the screams that play in
My day dreams,
In echoes off the vacant caverns in my chest
Little fists clenched and weary
Longingly staring at pavements passing
Wishing to wake, to cry to break
The silence with this tremendous
Confusion,
Refusing to let blond feathered hair out of my sight,
Like he might just disappear
Drop into distance like everything else
I have ever known, that’s ever grown inside of me,
I will hide him,
In fake smiles, in hand holding,
I will hide him from fathers breaking cry’s
The first tears spilt over old scars
From his crippled heart.
I will tell him I love him so much
There will be no room for my wounds
He will have no space for the vast expanse of
Pain of mistrust and the awful nothingness.
Everything is gone, the world is the inside
Of this car hurdling through space with no destination,
I am holding the weight of the world on
My frail little shoulders and I hold it.
I only break under the weight of his sad eyes
glacial blue gray where my hope drowned
and my childhood dies. There is no safe part in me.
I’m sorry
I’m so sorry…

I wish I could take your kiss
****** you with my hungry gaze
pull you down hard by your need
gravitational pull speeding
Straight down toward ecstasy
landing ******* your knees .
wish I could make you moan
until your begging me please.
While I’m like molasses
Smooth slow and sweet,
creating anticipation good enough to eat.

her cold stair,
blank nostalgia draped with silent intentions
scalds me when her name is mentioned,
behind strained wishes,
taunted behind distant wants,
all caught up in my broken heart
subsides in my stomach tied in knots
all delicately laid in such a way
as to barricade  who I was
from getting to who I wanted to be
while day after day I strained looking
and trying, hoping and crying
until the moment I burst forth
in glorious flame they called me phoenix
I remembered my name
I gathered my strength mustered
every ounce of my courage and
let them go, tiped the scale, domino
tore the seem of my reality, gave my self
some room to grow.

The way you kiss reminds me of how
My lips formed a million times and more
To his.
He changed me.
Your so different but I keep anticipating
Something in me cascading
I get it there is nothing more worth chasing after
Lets face it
I’m stumbling over a bit more than the strange way
Your full lips press
Against mine.
I’m dyeing over time spent
Fighting false panic caught and pinned
By broken bones and scar tissue.
In my head there’s me and my own issues
And the simple fact that I can’t stop looking at you.

Are you prepared or even aware that you have witnessed the very beginning of the slow unwinding of me? You’re looking at me like nobody else and witnessing first hand my rediscovery and simplification. Complex structures have failed me I am searching for my foundations. Releasing all hesitations and irrational reservations I have chosen the middle path never the path of least resistance.

charcoal smudges and
indistinct hazes of darkness
phrases laced in harshness harnessed
and armed with my conviction
addiction to truth even
when sharp enough to harm you
disarm you
dis-arm
dismember
sever limb
from limb
tongue from clever whim
from quipped retort
designed to thwart
off the largest offender
up wind down wind
I don't remember really the direction
from whence one came nor
name nor much anything
other than

charcoal smudges and
indistinct hazes of darkness
phrases laced in harshness harnessed
and armed with my conviction
addiction to truth even
when sharp enough to harm you
disarm you
dis-arm
dismember
sever limb
from limb
the smother hot tension seething
wriggling writhing ringing in my head
sirens throwing up red flags
at catch phrases
stated like razor blades
repeated like mantras
she said she said
he said they them,
my head
they said I was lonely
they said I was weak i think i thought
I believed
they loved me
someone told me
I wasn't worth a cent or sense
or that I had no sense
or that I was nonsense
all of it I think I thought all of it
I tense, became tense I tensed
over overwhelming disapproval
even at a distance
for my depreciating assets
the expense of my existence
my penance for loving myself
when it so inconvenienced
those I was living around
was letting myself
think I was worthless
forgetting
how to count
senseless
centless
arbitrary
I have digressed

I guess this is all jumbled concept
an attempt to recreate the conception
of my desecration
of the crumbling of my foundation
of the ashes left
when they, when she,when all of them
broke inside my head
to watch the walls burn
from the inside out
ashes
and charcoal smudges with
indistinct hazes of darkness
phrases laced in harshness harnessed
and armed with my conviction
addiction to truth even
when sharp enough to harm you
disarm you
dis-arm
dismember
sever limb from limb
sin from sin
self
from worth
you hurt me
they hurt me
I hurt myself
because I believed you
were telling me the truth.
I became dark

charcoal smudges and
indistinct hazes of darkness
phrases laced in harshness harnessed
and armed with my conviction
addiction to truth even
when sharp enough to harm you
disarm you
dis-arm
dismember
sever limb
from limb
kin from
kin
i'm gone now.
think of me as charcoal.

Take those decades of resentment
Rolling around in tortured minds
And set them just behind the heartache
Created out of silver piercing words
That were uttered so long ago.
Dress it up with red like all the
Blood that’s spilled from broken
Knuckles, and hearts torn through
Out our time. Let the snow
Place a blanket over hate
And old vicious addictions
Wrap it up in shiny nice ribbons
Pretty and so scantly hidden,
Underneath the green pine
The smell of hope squelched
By disappointment that can’t be helped
And the sort of familial dysfunction
circled around the Christmas tree.
The smell of food and treats
The sound of jokes and laughter on the brink
For one to think they have been crossed.
For one tortured soul to think too loudly
That it’s too late, they are lost.
Balancing on the edge living momentarily
To the explosive nature and fast pursuit
Of broken people put together in a single room
Face to face with how reality
Has made them their *****,
Itching at demons
Screaming as there seeing that not the all of them
Could hold the Curtin up, and magic in
And let Christmas be Christmas for a kid.
But people don’t like to hear you don’t like
Christmas.
That snow melts in your socks
Or why broken glass reminds you of
Wrapping paper and ribbon.

I will not apologize for a poem
or a mirror or
humanity
I did not cut you open
I just handed you the scalpel
a sharp tool
to open up your mind-
to be used at your discretion

you took it apart word by word
and held it up first
against itself
tracing the rising questions
in your mind about
good
and bad
and
black
and white

so why does it trouble you so
to know
you are also
responsible for your slow
dissection

recollection slow regard
of your own dichotomy
have I mentioned
you are beautiful inside
and out?

even the monster living inside you
is just so comprehensively
human.

All your smiles and sweet words,
Feel a bit like an ice pick
In my aching chest.
But I get it your scared,
And I’m not the best you could ever do,
I hope that’s true.
Just know knowing you is an echo
Of my past and empty promises that couldn't last.
You chose wrong,
I’m not on any throne
And you've always known I stand on no pedestal,
We didn't have to be alone.
But I was worth more, than to feel
That I constantly pester you.
I don’t know whether I’m disappointed in
Myself ,
Or proud that I was so brave,
Even if you walked away
And let me drown in that moat of unworthiness
While you mutter repetitively in your untouchable tower
That “she isn't worth the risk”.
Go ahead and merge with the shadows,
I’ll think of everything and hate that I miss,
Every bit of the things that cease to exist.

You won't even let aPrincess in
After ascending those walls
in the face of great rains,
and murmuring bandaids
over old scars and fresh pains.
You coward.

Tan and soft as cotton ;tracing
Along my chin; lingering against my lip.
Your gentle caress along my edges
Over each curve every dip .
Singing to every nerve in my delicate pale skin,
Crescendos into sweetest sin.
Smooth eager lips strip away
Distractions, firm against hesitations,
Your mouth is the greatest temptation
I will ever face.
Your face the largest gratification.
Your body the basis for the greatest satisfaction
I will ever taste.
Your energy surges in right rhythm
In right place.
Your raw determination to take me up
To draw me out
And make me…
Come undone at your will,
Implode and spill
all my influences
Across your sun kissed skin,
Tumbling in ,
To open arms,
You pull me in.
I love the way we fit.
I love the way you want to try again.

Deep blue eyes ringed with a frost
Mirroring the ache in your chest
Similar to the pain
You experience with both fists
Crammed into snow drifts.
He Blinks,
eyes
Shift .
They lift to meet mine, fleeting
Shift, shifting,
My heart beating
Leaving me feeling like
Maybe I have
your eyes for a reason,

hesitating considering Begging,
trapped in circular thinking
Always coming back ,Just mean it.
Like a whispered prayer “just mean it”
Like a hungry desperation “ just mean it”
Like a shameful confession “ just mean it”
Like an explosive accusation “ JUST MEAN IT”
Screams echoing in my head
Don’t leave me

Trapping feelings like thunderstorms
Beneath my skin speckled
In the yellow tint, purple blue bits
Of faded bruises
Reflecting the greatest testament
To your affection you ever gave,
The greatest gift I ever received.
To be loved you will be tough
You will never be saved
You will never be safe
I will shift, I will be shifting
I will be changing my mind as I speak
And then I will be leaving.
He is filling me with all these anxious feelings.

Leaving me fidgeting and
Blinking
My eyes shift
Shifting
Thinking I ought to blink
Faster , straining
To feign indifference
Knowing tears make his pace quick.
I get sick

Looking at reflective surfaces
Deep blue eyes ringed with a frost
Mirrors depict the ache in my chest
Similar to the pain
You experience with both fists
Crammed into snow drifts.
Blink, Shift .
They lift to meet mine, fleeting
Shift, shifting,
My heart beating
Leaving me feeling like
Maybe I have
your eyes for a reason.

dear mother, protector, teacher, communicator, bridge to my self empowerment, to my confidence, my role model and friend. when did you start to hate me? and mother when, when did you start to love me again?

sometimes when i'm angry at the pillow beneath my head, and the ceiling for shifting in
the slow shadows of my room at night,
at the headlights that flash into my bed room window,
at the neighbor who's screams echo
in the cacophony of the outside noise
and the inside static
in the pensive thrumming ****** manic
turning troubled erratic thoughts
more times than not
its overlapping tracks
of your voice saying key phrases,
"disappointed"
"pathetic"
"crazy"
"victimizing"
"lazy"
"­loner"
"with out friends"
"leave"
"angry"
animated by that awful look and
eye roll you always gave me.
desperation lead me to the asinine assumption
that if i was brave enough to bring
your attention on me
you would see that i needed something
i needed anything.
acceptance
an ear,
suport,
an explanation,
a conversation,
a friend,
a few words of encouragement,
to be freed from your damnation,
a bit of patience
mother,
i needed my mother
and you never came for me.
no one ever came for me.
you gave me cruelty all the way to the moment of my liberation
where I was finally granted distance
and silence
but sometimes when I hate my pillow,
it's because
when it's dark,
and it is loud ,
I hear you in every sound
in every echo
I hear you.

You said I was so sad because I didn't love myself,
that if I weren't so
pathetically
unthinkably,
unconsolably,
sad
I would find myself with a friend or two.
I think you believed it
I think you thought it over and over in your head..
blaming
angry
accusatory
repetitively
carving out space for it behind your eyes
so you would never wonder
If my despair was not self inflicted…...
that perhaps I was crying because I loved myself
as I loved you,
and her
and all of them,’
and I thought I knew you
and her
and all of them
as well as I knew myself
And then she changed,
you changed like all of them
and when the curtain fell I was

pathetically
unthinkably,
unconsolably,
hurt , alone,
and still in love with myself
and wondering why I was not good enough for anyone anymore.
good enough to be in their presence
to be in their hearts;
to be carved behind their eyes.
I cry because after all that you
pathetically,
unthinkably,
unforgivably,
blamed me.
Angrily
assaulted and
accused me of existing
as less than
And reminded me
daily
I was alone.

Maybe I’m not sad because I don’t know myself.
I am sad because you don’t
I am not sad because I don’t know who I am.
I am sad because for you it was not enough.
I am not sad because I am lost,
I am sad because I no longer have a place to call home.
the only time I am disappointed in myself
Is when I allow myself to admit
That I miss you.

I know the pain of disassembly I know the pain of reincarnation The exhaustion  every building from the bottom to the top searching every bit of your mind in the bottom of your greatest fear to the top of your highest hopes I know the pain So do not hide in the vast forest of your fears I will find you
Do not bury yourself under the weight of your thoughts I will find you I have been there I see you and glimpses of reflective surface dancing upon rapid rivers glistening pools of calm Collected do in the eager hands of the forest floor.
You cannot run further than I have been at least not here even with embarrassment feeling your bones when fitting lengthening your stride you cannot hide here
And you're not alone really wish that or not no motions have a funny way of echoing all the way around you of playing like reflections on the faces

She was so upset, while tears ran down her face.
Her ugly crocodile tears socializing in the corner
Of her Bambi blue eyes.
Biting into whatever muscle feels most like guilt.
My heart I think… but
It still hasn’t thawed
From months of her
frigid shoulder and icy
Glances.
I can’t get past this
instantaneously
Because you decided
I’m worth something in this second.
Cant take that pain again you
Are mentally mad, you said I was nothing.
I’m sorry I keep thinking
You must be on something,
A bad trip, malice
Seems like motive Alice,
But I’m getting the fuuuuccckk
Out of wonderland.
I can’t stand you like this , no bye bye kiss
**** it up baby girl, I know your strong
Then you were just so big…
Now you say your small
But you
Already crushed my world.
You keep spewing words at me yapping,
After this and that, pulling every trick from your hat,
But I wont have it I’m
Not going to be chasing no white rabbit.
No need to create bad habits.
You made me crazy
I’m talking like jabber jabber-jabberwocky
Seriously kid, you slay me.

I miss your supple kiss and warm cuddles
And the simple bliss , of pressing my cold toes,
Against your hot calf, I couldn’t lie I miss that.
I don’t miss your blind rage or the pain you
Portrayed while doing small things,
I don’t miss all the things you’d say strange
Beguiled and out of place loud and rough and in your face.
I do miss the gentle way you’d trace my face,
The softest breath when you said my name.
I do miss who you were, sincere, genuine.
I do not miss who you became.
I don’t dear you just weren't the same.

Nothing matters,
I’ve seen you,
All the movement and stillness,
All the serenity and forgiveness,
All your health mixed in with the weakness
In your walls. I know
The texture of half the scars
On your tender heart.
You can have whatever you like,
You deserve so much more,
Than I could offer,
You are so much stronger,
Than I can explain,
You can take up space in my heart
If you wish,
Fill this distance with want of a kiss,
You can have my hesitation,
My trust.
You can have my aspirations and my lusts.
You can do with them whatever you like,
Please, though, please don’t cry.
Never cry.

Knees weak and trembling
Lost to rhythm, lost to times
To the flashing lights and ancient lies
Of your laugh and ****** humor,
To your eyes and wrinkled warped wisdom
With how you always held your hands,
With the million ways you used them
And the games we would play  
All the days spent on repeat  
Poison broken hope hid in hell and
Torment disguising the life and decay
In the bottom of your soul
gone.
Your immense presence dwindling
Into nothing as you cave in.
Defined by your addiction,
Owned and liberated to be
Defined by your prognoses
Still hosting those same feelings
Of self hate, depreciation
Creating your own hell
For temporary damnation
I pray you save yourself,
There’s no one here to help you.
I’m sorry I couldn't stop you,
I’m sorry your life haunts you
Weighs on you taunts you like the guilt
Causing pressure on your chest,
Lung cancer it spreads,
I hate to whisper to myself
Because all that’s left to be said
Is you shouldn't hold your breath.

I feel like you just dropped me
And I was so afraid
Of the winds friction against me
Of my stomach flipping
Of the things behind me
That my eyes were misting,
Afraid to hurt as I hurdled
As all my weight
Gave gravity leverage over me.
I know what its like to gather
Fractured pieces of your essence
To have your dreams pool at your feet
While you bleed abandonment.
I want to find you I seek
Your face and that sense
Of naivety
Your safety always gave me.
You provided stability to hope,
You fueled my dreams,
You made me believe
I was worth something.
Your eyes will be the last I see
On impact
Your laugh will echo in
All my bad dreams to come undone to.
I’m done playing this game with you.
And it hurts to smash face first
Onto frozen dirt.
But I’m a lot harder now
My hallow chest falls slower
This person I have become
You’ll never really know her.
She doesn’t fracture at the thought
Of your next abandonment
She doesn't hurt anymore
As a means of self punishment.
I promise, here watch me step off the edge
It’s not enough to want me.
Part of me is still dead or dying
Over all those things you said.  
My heart bleeds and my head
Swirls with all these lessons you have taught me.

The skin wrapped so elegantly across these bones of mine
acts as a barrier
separating me from everything else,
as long as I keep my lips pressed firmly to each other
I can manage to prevent
spilling my guts
that's best for every one I think.
No matter how I yearn for the relief of pressure
when my heart tries to escape my chest
at best
and at least relive the flood of my thoughts.

I ought know
wearing this suit of skin isn't enough
glacial blue eyes are an open well
speaking of sorrow to anyone with
a decent pair of eyes to tell.
even my perfectly placed smiles
pale under that shadow.
the utter vastness of the loss I feel
reminds me how large I am
regardless of my frequency of meals.
the expanse in my chest is so immense
it seems I am tearing at every seam.
most every thing I have held dear,
slipping through the fraying tear.

voices from limited perspectives telling me how I ought to feel.
quivering with anticipation to mention
my over reaction to small things,
at small hills appearing in my waking dreams
as vast mountain ranges,
imagining tragedy in the  frame of my yesterdays
and through the lenses of life's strangeness;
preparing to head out with the Donner party
while you take stroll up a grassy knoll basket in hand,
while i'm measuring out my morality as meticulously as grains of sand,
and you
never once wondering the weight of all the other burdens I am carrying
and have carried try to tell me, i'm insane
for preparing for rain in dry summer heat.
with no one to share my pain.
I assure you i'm not insane
I just go through my life living as me.

but you have not lived the life I have lead
and dare not to spread the weight.
at worst,
I like to think of myself
As husk of skin wrapped around a strength unhindered by my physical size
existing out of the vastness within my emptying heart.
I will be alone to rejoice at my discovery.
there are a small number of things that can not be taken away
and it is those things I have discovered,
no weight can crush me.
I have carried the world on my frailest shoulder
I have been trapped and many have unloved me
but my chest still rises
in lows and highs
and no one has ever taken the endless opportunities
that dwell  deep within the days I have never seen,
but they come, and are always coming
they are the possibilities of things I have never even considered.
And while most days I feel I have not but withered and fallen farther from things
another piece of me fly's and rings.
godless or not I have found my faith.
welling up inside me trying slowly to fill this space.
to fill me with humanity.
I Have faith that things change, are always changing.
These feelings and this space will inevitably cease to exist as surly
as the way I miss the presence of my loved ones on this turning ball in space
my love will outlive that pain
and like so many other things
being lonely is a temporary state.
that is the strength within me.
life tested for durability
I will endure. I endure everything.

I used to look outside into the daylight
Look long Into the darkness,
Eyes lapping up silence and noise in
Greedy proportions
Grouping, feeling searching
For something that tasted safe,
That could satiate some plain of my existence
Break me clean of this emotional dissonance
Stand firm under crashing wave of feelings
That lay wait

Turbulating  and churning against the inside of my brain
Ensnared by the fray

After being raked through thoroughly
With razor sharp cynicism
Pulled to pieces by the weight of in differences
No I have pulled at to many threads
Traveled
unraveled and traversed  
Too far into this abyss
To remain un-scattered, unscathed, unchanged

And thats ok

But I taste like
A brokenness so sweet it aches
And
The only place
That tastes safe lies deep between my breaths
And in coffee shaded eyes.
No I cannot say I am the same
Or that i'm
entirely whole
At least now i know
The exact depth of my convictions
The degree of my worth and will and wanting
I can haunt you
With the shadows in my depth i
Can steal your breath
With the wanting my honest azure eyes casts
And at last
With so many parts of me laid to rest
I’m free to test
The eternity you hide in your eyes
Flash glimpse behind soft lips
Masquerade behind truths dressed
As lies
You astound me
And I will spend every day
Chasing new ways to
Taste your kiss.
I will build bliss
Out of my  thankfulness
With strong shaking fingers
Un-clinched
Stitched delicately with your laugh
I will map out our happiness
On your heart with my pin
Emerse you in love letters
In apology notes
In an unending list of the things
I will miss
And love
And break and kiss
I found me
You
Found us
And Never before have I had such trust
This is enough

Entangled in this lost love this
New trust all wrapped in
New lust this gray scale
Between being alone and in love
The enigma I am,
Existing between the borders
Of feeling enough leaning up against that hard line
Marking off space for the insufficients,
Deaf,loners and mutes and
All those awkward adolescents,
Loitering on the far side of sanity.
Any body ostracized for being different than
what ever normal means.
Or those lonley people like me.
your meek and vulnerable,
Dyeing
For something on the other side
I fiddle around somewhere in the middle
Sometimes I’m so sad
And I just don’t cry.
It just wont work
And then when you have me laughing
Side aching gasping
I think of all the little things
And now that I feel safe
I can take a breath,
I want to cry about everything.
What the hell does that mean?
There finely something to feed
the ache in my chest.
I feel livelier I feel brighter
And sadder in the same ways
But I’m like a beacon shining through the broken
Hanging to the notion that broken dreams
Can heal too and when they get together
They can transform like a caterpillar
Into the butterflies in you.
When you smile it’s like a glimpse at a truth
I keep chasing after but have never really seen
Heading contrary to this person I became.
You excite me into being something I am but have never lived
And I’m fighting to see who she is
I’m pinning myself against the answers to the questions
About who this new person really is.
And wondering the part in it you will play,
Kicking my self for my uncertainty in the claim
Of being broken or brave
At this silent admission of my wanting you to stay.

You are exceptionally perplexing
All the things you say in the silent space
Between us
And the subtle shift you are always making
In this direction
I didn’t think you’d take us.
You are something real and tangible
Something concrete and manageable
So why can’t I comprehend your existence
When every day you lure me in with coy smile
And patient persistence
Hand out and silently asking me to take it
While you step waist deep into
A soft wake of a million risks
I’m about to take.
I keep thinking I’m dreaming and when I wake
When I blink
I’ll be drowning
And no one will be around
To tell me
You'll  be  ok.  
Just an empty shadow of a thing that wasn’t real
To take the place of your hand,
Of a man
So perplexing
I’m afraid to think I understand.

As intimidating as a blank page,
So much nothing its overwhelming
A mesh of every color created into
The lull of empty space.
So much change it’s the same
Melting into the realization.
Nothing is everything.
Just a mess of choices, mistakes.
A dialog of faces, of familiar places
Time is all there is, it doesn't exist.
It doesn't mean anything.
But the illusions addicting
And I’m high off of you.
In this life, images of your body
Split words of color from your mind.
Spending quality time on the beach in your eyes.
The vibration of your resounding energy
Slightly tickling every square inch of me
Feeling electricity while
your tenderly kissing
my essence and reassuring me
of my presence and my own existence.
Fitting closely against the love
You so boldly drove into me
Filling voids while bringing me
To the brink of happiness, joy, and ecstasy.
Convincing me that lapses in time
And relapse in my addiction to
The thought of the human paradox.
Of existing in constant contradiction
Are not completely lost and somehow create direction.
And I don’t feel lost in our created heaven
And I must exist and you’re my only real-
My only worthy recollection.

cut me open,
or just wait patiently while I sluff of all the important bits
of myself.
self depreciative
eventually I always fall
all the way apart
and surrounded
by those who took my heart
things often go missing.
My family is comprised of so many things
But for the sake of these themes
I can  call them all thieves.

I'm nothing but the fading shadow
of who I was before
nothing but the fleading sounds
beating echoes
soft crasindoes
of wave on crashing shore

I used to fight the monsters inside men
I held my fist to
addictions caged in forgotten shells
that called themselves men
that called themselves urges
that called themselves
uncles,
sons,
sorry,
called themselves friends
called themselves
more names than
anyone could occupy in honesty all at once
all i saw was
an angry vacancy,
full of nothing
hiding in everything.

except for the children i hid behind me,
there light
showing me
always where I ought go.
always where I ought next step ,
nothing big enough to run from
big enough to fall to
with them behind me.

columns standing my heart up like a fold up tent,
the only tangible connection to
goodness,
to godliness,
to hope in my chest
to love
they were all the loveliness
I have ever possessed.

without them, I fear
simply the ever growing darkness,
the expanse in my chest,
this lost alone feeling,
of not knowing
where I ought step.

I only fear I will forget,
that the things I held so tight to  
can actually exist.

I am not but a ship awaiting the wreck
my lighthouses
all
extinguished

We meet and I tremble.
Life shifts and I fit
Perfectly aginst your chest.
You said beautiful things
like lets

And I have never heard things
like the things you said,
in your finger tips.

I trip
and I fall to hard
under sharp stars.
Become aware i'm to far under high bars.

So hate me freely
and while i'm broken
I am not needy
needing is for those who think
beyond brething

I feel to far beyond saving,
fingers tremble
life shifting
I'm shaking
praying to empty space
for day to brake

I am faking,
faigning,
saying to much.
Saying nothing not enough,
thinking, thinking thinging

For me to forget ,
for my own sake
that I loved our lust
the magic the star dust.

the smell of musk and
brown eyes
drowned in rememberance
of soft sigh
the lies laced in
each kiss
and unspoken promises

I'm haunted
by falling stars
by falling stars
put out by an ocean of fears

taste of dissapointent
the falling of tears .

I feel like drowning and counting
on stars to drop
wishing on things
that will let me down
like hope
like hoping to drown.

letting my sarrow hold me
in tight grip
untill tomorrow.
the sun is the only star
I should have clung too,
you were the only one
you are every one
I have ever come undone too.

You unravel me pulling at all my loose ends
With that look that snatches every bit of me up
Holds me tight and stops my breathing
Leaving me with my head reeling trying to make sense of
These feelings
While light rolls off me
Much like the streetlights in the dead of night
When I’m walking right out from under
My one hundred and forty pounds of
Scar tissue ,
Heart breaks
Of tears collected,
Of pride swallowed,
Of being filled
Emptied and hallowed.
My one hundred and forty pounds of
Rubble from the walls I've torn down
And built again to stand
At an impressive summit of five foot eight,
A compacted version of all the will I make
And i'm left with only my essence
My sense of presence and a smile playing in my eyes,
Tonight
I’m all mine
I’m all yours,
I’m all open and I’m not scared.
My naked truths all laid bare
I don’t care,
If later I fall to pieces or if I fall together,
I don’t care whether this is just in this moment or
If this last forever.
I feel so perfectly together,
with my senses of self,
With the mirror and my memories
With the things you do and
The words you say in your lovely smile.
I haven’t felt this kind of way
In  far too long a while.

Light fades and every sun ray disintegrates
Into gray scale, pays tribute
To faithless hope or a hopeless faith
And I’m losing myself
Like clouds drop rain.
Not a tear shed for the parts they throw away,
Lying all my shadows across the things they say,
Until I’m hallow,
And I feel nothing
But this soft familiar thrumming,
It’s you calling
It’s always knowing when I have no home,
When I have gone insane,
That I can live in the way you say my name.
You watch me, lift me off my toes
Learn the things nobody knows
Chose the things nobody chose
Gather all my pain in your strong arms
Whisper your happy my soul touched yours and that
I’m altogether more than this compilation of scars.
No matter how far I fall
Into dark
No matter how much life
Costs
I swear I see you.
And when I feel small under skies full of stars,
I feel found , tucked under your arm.
I feel safe under your gaze
And I can spend days in your space,
Saying everything,
Saying nothing,
At a comfortable distance,
In the thrill when we’re touching.
And your my best friend I’ve always loved
To keep loving.
Everything changes,
But this familiar thrumming

The ground shakes when my chest aches like I swallowed something cold.
And my toes curl and the room swirls I falling to my knees,
I have to stop  remind myself how important it is to breath,
I keep my eyes wide and steps wider and hope I’ll get to see
And the trees say to hold still,
when I’m running way to fast but the past
Chases and my knees shake because thoughts of you are fast.
The first thing and the middle thing are all to avoid the last,
The last thing is the same thing is facing my recent past.
Its hearing your voice echo
through the caverns of my mind,
Telling me you’re leaving me
And that I wasn’t worth the time.
And the ground shakes when my chest aches like I’ve swallowed something cold,
And my mind thinks my hearts torn and it must be gushing blood,
The wound reopened thoughts spinning right against the surface,
I start to questioning everything, myself, my life my purpose.
But then the ground shakes when my chest aches like I swallowed something cold,
And I realize through my cold sweat that this will too grow old,
And each time the ground shakes I’ll be closer to the ground,
And I’ll outrun our memories,
Your sent your smile your sound.

Eulogy
Its difficult in moment like these to come up with something  honest and insightful to make everyone feel better. It’s difficult to find the encouragement necessary to get a bunch of ******’s like you to smile when I have a perfect understanding of what you have lost.  Grandmas passing came with a unique set of challenges I can admit I was not prepared to face. Her death left me feeling as equally perplexed as her life.
When grandma started to really get sick and I had to start wrapping my head around her passing I was afraid of a lot more than I am now. I was afraid I was losing the opportunity to know her sober, I was afraid to lose a member of your strange, perfect, functionally challenged  family with its unique jerry springer dynamics. I was afraid I would lose the feeling that someone understood me, the way family only really can. I was afraid I was losing the person and the pace that tethered me to my origins and everything I think I know about myself. I felt like I was losing a person who provided for me my first understanding of the world and introduced me to the intricacies of the human experience I was losing my reasons to be angry the reasons I loved her. I would be losing the way she accepted every imperfect bit of me completely. I would be losing someone who was there for good or bad to watch me collect my scars and change my mind. I knew I was losing one of the most important women in my life and I was absolutely terrified and in a way I did lose those things.
But in a weird way it was as I was losing her that I feel like I finally found her.  I found her in places I had never thought to look before. I found her in myself when I laugh at things that aren’t funny. I find bits of her younger photos in pictures of me in the way my eyes set on my face In the anxieties we shared. I see her in Jasmines complete acceptance of those around her, I find her in Jessica’s ability to take up an entire room, I hear her in cody’s never ending sarcasm. I see her In the way teia will spend days in a creative endeavor,   I watch her in kalebs quiet observances and in the way he distracts  me from my own grief, I see her sometimes when dad is sad but he still smiles and the stony flash in my mother’s eyes when she’s being  super stubborn. I find her in all of our strange occurrences all these idiosyncrasies . I find her in the way we all have strange relationships with one another just as strange as the ones she had with each of us. I know now better than ever before what she gave me what she gave us and its at least as monumental as the things we have lost lost. I know now here with all of you where I belong, where she belongs and  who she was.  And although I can’t say  for certain if she is with God I can’t shake the feeling that perhaps she is with us and if not than at least I find comfort knowing  we all have something of her in us. I hope you find that as terrifying  and disturbing but mostly comforting as I do. Because for better or worse she’s marked us  and also it’s really difficult in a moment like these to come up with something both honest and insightful that makes a bunch of weirdos like us feel  any better.

I let you see me, you let me in
and we agreed on nothing
But we understood everything,
And I didn't say it yet but you were my very best friend.
We stood on different ends of everything
It was maddening but across the distance
We would always see eye to eye
We fell wide open and into each other,
You never let me down
And although I was the water , you never let me drown.
Fire, you became my light and warmth and
The spark that inspired inner strength
You made me think, you made me laugh, and weep
And I keep thanking a God who doesn't listen
Who might not exist for your existence
As time passed and we changed
You turned into warm ashes
And me a light rain
I Finally feel grounded.

I remember moments I thought would last forever,
Seconds that break my heart
Like it was a thousand years
I remember two days and
To much time between seldom shed tears
That feel like
The entirety of the ocean.
I’m lost to the notion that feeling what needs to be felt is like
Baiting a trap
Slapping a welt
And swallowing salt water
When the days hotter
Than the one before.
I just keep walking fast knowing feelings never last.
They didn't for him.
They didn't for her.
Couldn't say for sure that they ever where.
Then why am I here
Well if I’m honest…
I don’t really know.

I am tempting, intoxicating,
Admittedly I know I am so,
With all my edges exposed,
All my light, my darkness spill
In radiant hues around me.
I’m all those memories of heaven,
Of hopes and dreams and things
Lay to rest by my rational dissection,
mourned over by my quivering emotions.
Bad luck I suppose that I saw it coming.
Placing myself and so your eyes, onto ground level.
For perspective, for stability.
Why then do you appear disheveled?
Eyes wander, fingers pacing, lips bit with anticipating,
Torn there in your quiet reverie,
When I’ll lend any part of me to keep you together?
You shudder, at the thought of my touch, the words I mutter
Its true I lust, you lust.
You, like me, are irrevocable,
You exude humanity,
Your light sprays and twist over your dark pool,
I want to reach out and touch you
If  he exists, forsakes you, then know this,
I’d rather burn in the fiery pit eyes bright
Than miss my life, myself, this chance, your kiss.
No matter, I refuse to be but brighter.
I’m sorry your not sure,
I’m sorry you don’t know like I do.

I find tonight I’m too sad to find sleep.
I wish I would have looked before it was too late,
Because it’s too far the times passed and I can’t think
Of anything except I miss you, in this silly way
And it would have been really nice to just hear you say
Goodnight.
And I would have smiled
And said the same thing,
I’d close my eyes and drift to sleep.
Now I’ll be up all night just whishing
I’d have thought to listen.
And hating that I miss you.
Praying to an empty room
That I could for a moment
**** the distance.  
Lean into you and whisper
And pretend that even in your silent slumber
You could listen
And you would know I meant it.
Goodnight.

I was dust on the bottom of your
******* shoe
The aglets of your untied
***** mangled lace
Grinding violently on my
Unnoticed surface space,
And I just sat there clinging to
The part of you , you’d let me see
Wishing to be something.
Seems silly now that I didn’t know
If I wanted to grow up
All I had to do was
Let it the **** go,
Lay on musk moss and dirt
Forget the things I said
About being hurt and hard
Get over myself and see that  
I’m so ******* perfect
Sensational, inalienable and only
Every fool I’ve ever known wouldn’t love me.
My self included sorry.
Maybe I was made to fall apart,
Crumble to dust, spontaneously combust
Die and when  buried  
Discover the seed in the dust
Burst forth in green sprouts
In search of sun rays
After sun rays
Like new growth
After hard rain
Or flowers
Escaping sidewalks chains
Braking through like new days
I have fresh tears
Over growing pains.

Its just that your biting your lip I think,
That makes me sink into the things that you say,
Or the way you seem like you want to reach out
And touch my face; push through all the distance space
And make me smile.
Perhaps our laps in the everyday
Is just the response to loss
And my resistance to the growing distance
Between me and the human race.
Maybe I think it’s just that your biting your lip I think,
And the way your lips frame your teeth
That makes me sink into the things you say.
To bad your sleeping so far away.
when you say things that wreck my thoughts
I know when I hesitate,
you'll watch me biting my lip
And I think we are thinking the same things
And I think that's why your smiling.
It will always be moments like this
I cling to, that keep me safe from crying.