I miss you you know.
you were my best friend, back then I thought for sure you were god sent, something about you stayed when everything else in my life seemed to shift and I was down right scared. My head blared and fear stirs the air, it's a heavy scent. You stayed and others went, you came when my will bent when my heart broke, when emotions welled and I started to choke. I was there every second you tested my resolve, I was there when you staled in the last moment before lashing out, loud shouts you called harsh names, aimed to pain and for awhile I wondered if we were both insane. But we always got out you and I , we stayed the same. Life killed my faith in **** near everything. I'm so alone tonight and yesterday, hell I've been alone a lot of days and you came. Unannounced for a moment to fleeting to feel healing just long enough to see me not cry until the door clicked.
I miss you, you know. And i hope more then I have let grow in a long time, that tomorrow you can take a day and let me feel, like someone I used to know. Take a few hours and a hug two ears and smart *** remarks to rekindle a spark in myself I let die in the dark. Just a day to say that i'm not completely alone and that we haven't changed.

Eulogy
Its difficult in moment like these to come up with something  honest and insightful to make everyone feel better. It’s difficult to find the encouragement necessary to get a bunch of ******’s like you to smile when I have a perfect understanding of what you have lost.  Grandmas passing came with a unique set of challenges I can admit I was not prepared to face. Her death left me feeling as equally perplexed as her life.
When grandma started to really get sick and I had to start wrapping my head around her passing I was afraid of a lot more than I am now. I was afraid I was losing the opportunity to know her sober, I was afraid to lose a member of your strange, perfect, functionally challenged  family with its unique jerry springer dynamics. I was afraid I would lose the feeling that someone understood me, the way family only really can. I was afraid I was losing the person and the pace that tethered me to my origins and everything I think I know about myself. I felt like I was losing a person who provided for me my first understanding of the world and introduced me to the intricacies of the human experience I was losing my reasons to be angry the reasons I loved her. I would be losing the way she accepted every imperfect bit of me completely. I would be losing someone who was there for good or bad to watch me collect my scars and change my mind. I knew I was losing one of the most important women in my life and I was absolutely terrified and in a way I did lose those things.
But in a weird way it was as I was losing her that I feel like I finally found her.  I found her in places I had never thought to look before. I found her in myself when I laugh at things that aren’t funny. I find bits of her younger photos in pictures of me in the way my eyes set on my face In the anxieties we shared. I see her in Jasmines complete acceptance of those around her, I find her in Jessica’s ability to take up an entire room, I hear her in cody’s never ending sarcasm. I see her In the way teia will spend days in a creative endeavor,   I watch her in kalebs quiet observances and in the way he distracts  me from my own grief, I see her sometimes when dad is sad but he still smiles and the stony flash in my mother’s eyes when she’s being  super stubborn. I find her in all of our strange occurrences all these idiosyncrasies . I find her in the way we all have strange relationships with one another just as strange as the ones she had with each of us. I know now better than ever before what she gave me what she gave us and its at least as monumental as the things we have lost lost. I know now here with all of you where I belong, where she belongs and  who she was.  And although I can’t say  for certain if she is with God I can’t shake the feeling that perhaps she is with us and if not than at least I find comfort knowing  we all have something of her in us. I hope you find that as terrifying  and disturbing but mostly comforting as I do. Because for better or worse she’s marked us  and also it’s really difficult in a moment like these to come up with something both honest and insightful that makes a bunch of weirdos like us feel  any better.

Take those decades of resentment
Rolling around in tortured minds
And set them just behind the heartache
Created out of silver piercing words
That were uttered so long ago.
Dress it up with red like all the
Blood that’s spilled from broken
Knuckles, and hearts torn through
Out our time. Let the snow
Place a blanket over hate
And old vicious addictions
Wrap it up in shiny nice ribbons
Pretty and so scantly hidden,
Underneath the green pine
The smell of hope squelched
By disappointment that can’t be helped
And the sort of familial dysfunction
circled around the Christmas tree.
The smell of food and treats
The sound of jokes and laughter on the brink
For one to think they have been crossed.
For one tortured soul to think too loudly
That it’s too late, they are lost.
Balancing on the edge living momentarily
To the explosive nature and fast pursuit
Of broken people put together in a single room
Face to face with how reality
Has made them their *****,
Itching at demons
Screaming as there seeing that not the all of them
Could hold the Curtin up, and magic in
And let Christmas be Christmas for a kid.
But people don’t like to hear you don’t like
Christmas.
That snow melts in your socks
Or why broken glass reminds you of
Wrapping paper and ribbon.

She was so upset, while tears ran down her face.
Her ugly crocodile tears socializing in the corner
Of her Bambi blue eyes.
Biting into whatever muscle feels most like guilt.
My heart I think… but
It still hasn’t thawed
From months of her
frigid shoulder and icy
Glances.
I can’t get past this
instantaneously
Because you decided
I’m worth something in this second.
Cant take that pain again you
Are mentally mad, you said I was nothing.
I’m sorry I keep thinking
You must be on something,
A bad trip, malice
Seems like motive Alice,
But I’m getting the fuuuuccckk
Out of wonderland.
I can’t stand you like this , no bye bye kiss
**** it up baby girl, I know your strong
Then you were just so big…
Now you say your small
But you
Already crushed my world.
You keep spewing words at me yapping,
After this and that, pulling every trick from your hat,
But I wont have it I’m
Not going to be chasing no white rabbit.
No need to create bad habits.
You made me crazy
I’m talking like jabber jabber-jabberwocky
Seriously kid, you slay me.

As intimidating as a blank page,
So much nothing its overwhelming
A mesh of every color created into
The lull of empty space.
So much change it’s the same
Melting into the realization.
Nothing is everything.
Just a mess of choices, mistakes.
A dialog of faces, of familiar places
Time is all there is, it doesn't exist.
It doesn't mean anything.
But the illusions addicting
And I’m high off of you.
In this life, images of your body
Split words of color from your mind.
Spending quality time on the beach in your eyes.
The vibration of your resounding energy
Slightly tickling every square inch of me
Feeling electricity while
your tenderly kissing
my essence and reassuring me
of my presence and my own existence.
Fitting closely against the love
You so boldly drove into me
Filling voids while bringing me
To the brink of happiness, joy, and ecstasy.
Convincing me that lapses in time
And relapse in my addiction to
The thought of the human paradox.
Of existing in constant contradiction
Are not completely lost and somehow create direction.
And I don’t feel lost in our created heaven
And I must exist and you’re my only real-
My only worthy recollection.

thanksgiving,
yellow lemon squares, turkey,
hustle hustle laughing,
bickering,
small blond children
tall dark haired , mild mannered
gathering courage to ask
asking questions
hike , climb, sprint tag,
food,
eating quickly,
murmurs around potato salad,
leaves,
leaves falling,
mothers calling
building castles in leaves and trees behind things
in the back yard
smiling
finally we are all together.

cancer took her.
crying crying and the rain wont stop beating against this old roof.
close walls sullen faces
mild mannered children working in a quiet desperation
to recreate yellow leaves falling
and lemon squares.
standing close
together,
to close
to close
trying to **** the distance between
us
castles crumble
its not our back yard anymore.
one of our mothers makes pecan squares
we cling to new traditions
because lemons do not taste the same,
disenchantment falls into a desperate
sadness  that always  fallows
death
and being homesick
for places that no longer exist for us , tomorrow


Indifference took her,
maybe if i had stayed a little longer,
she would be here same as ever,
clever bright witted
the staple holding together family fibers
distance ,
quite
losing site
literally loosing her site and
missing me
missing her
and them and mild mannered children
trying desperately to recreate yellow fallen leaves,
and banter,
to hear grandchildren squabbling
it was me, i left her castles crumbling
she was only missing places she thought no longer existed for her
shes gone now.
my castles crumbling
like the dry fall leaves
and i'm dreading things
and the lack of things like
thanksgiving
and lemon squares.

He has sweetness in his eyes and excitement
Dancing through the half smile he is teasing me with,
Seducing in the glimpses of white teeth exposed by
Curved dancing lips, begging to be kissed,
Tingling anticipation creating an ache
You step closer and my breathing quakes,
My chin level with your broad muscled chest
Smooth like marble defined, statuesque,
You peel off my layers of uncertainty
Starting with the top button confident hand under
Soft cotton searching, creating and finding
What I never knew that I was hiding,
Grabbing up every feeling I ever hid away,
Piled up or buried, you tipped me over,
And let me spill out onto you, you told me
I was a dark blue and tasted like shadows and honey.
You spun me when your hand was running,
Leaving trails of icy heat along me,
Called softly to my brokenness,
Your breath heated my cold shoulder and
I heard a beat inside my chest
Must have thawed my heart with your kiss.
Your hands explore my thigh,
Creating soft sighs and brightening dim eyes,
I didn’t know my light had went out,
Until this day when your gaze
Was the first spark to a flame
Burning my body, killing my shame,
You set fire creating a raging blaze.
You got inside me,
And burnt down what remained.
For so long I was afraid.
Than you pulled me down,
Emptied me out and made me
Feel again.

I have been alone to long, even in the end I was a haze in the distance.
I hate that I stayed.
Even that is over now,
I don’t need him.
I don’t know how I let this happen.
My thoughts scream,
But I’ll forgive myself I know,
I poured myself out into that soft reflection
And humming conviction and
I didn't really know you did I.
No, I didn't .
We had been parting ways for a long time,
Probably why I hardly cried,
But when you walked it stung the same.
Mostly for the things you say.
I hate you for your forced ignorance.
The way you blame everything,
I hate you for refusing to look at me,
Standing unclothed before you,
Wearing nothing but old scars
And my broken heart tied to my wrist.
I hate how you turned from my kiss,
I just wanted you to love me.
I’m so sick of feeling like this,
Like no one could ever touch me.

I'm afraid to think
I am only moments from a time,
where the luster in your eyes and
the tilt on your smile
are confined to the degrading
depreciating nature of my mind.
I want to remember you in
all your brilliance,
in all your defiance
in your broken
ragged resilience
I have spent a life time
fallowing
lost notions
misconceptions at the notion that
morality doesn’t come in color,
you are the brightest quilt,
the most colorful humor,
you are a humid summer,
you lovely woman
my father’s mother.
I will hold you tenderly in
my wilting memories.

Lime green because life is to overwhelming
To be anything but free flowing
I bet you chase it,
Shouting out it’s too precious to waste it
I think I should spend more time with you
Deep blue could learn a thing or two
About contentment and a proper self-assessment.

I find tonight I’m too sad to find sleep.
I wish I would have looked before it was too late,
Because it’s too far the times passed and I can’t think
Of anything except I miss you, in this silly way
And it would have been really nice to just hear you say
Goodnight.
And I would have smiled
And said the same thing,
I’d close my eyes and drift to sleep.
Now I’ll be up all night just whishing
I’d have thought to listen.
And hating that I miss you.
Praying to an empty room
That I could for a moment
**** the distance.  
Lean into you and whisper
And pretend that even in your silent slumber
You could listen
And you would know I meant it.
Goodnight.

Entangled in this lost love this
New trust all wrapped in
New lust this gray scale
Between being alone and in love
The enigma I am,
Existing between the borders
Of feeling enough leaning up against that hard line
Marking off space for the insufficients,
Deaf,loners and mutes and
All those awkward adolescents,
Loitering on the far side of sanity.
Any body ostracized for being different than
what ever normal means.
Or those lonley people like me.
your meek and vulnerable,
Dyeing
For something on the other side
I fiddle around somewhere in the middle
Sometimes I’m so sad
And I just don’t cry.
It just wont work
And then when you have me laughing
Side aching gasping
I think of all the little things
And now that I feel safe
I can take a breath,
I want to cry about everything.
What the hell does that mean?
There finely something to feed
the ache in my chest.
I feel livelier I feel brighter
And sadder in the same ways
But I’m like a beacon shining through the broken
Hanging to the notion that broken dreams
Can heal too and when they get together
They can transform like a caterpillar
Into the butterflies in you.
When you smile it’s like a glimpse at a truth
I keep chasing after but have never really seen
Heading contrary to this person I became.
You excite me into being something I am but have never lived
And I’m fighting to see who she is
I’m pinning myself against the answers to the questions
About who this new person really is.
And wondering the part in it you will play,
Kicking my self for my uncertainty in the claim
Of being broken or brave
At this silent admission of my wanting you to stay.

It took three seconds for you to shift my universe to lift me
Like a soft breeze under soft falling leaves closer
To a sun lit sky.
It took three months of try after try time after time,
Chasing anxieties with soft sighs, chasing hot gilt
With forgiving eyes .
It took all of my trust mustered together and all your warmth
And golden patience for me to find my worth,
For me to take this new love and give all of what I had left.
It took
A thousand sweet words to heal the hurt that ached within my chest.
And time , it always took time.
For me to give you the best me I thought I would never be again.
I was new and precious ,
coal under pressure deep beneath ground,
Until you dug me out wash me off and found
I glistened, and when I listened I really listened
I loved to hear you talk.
It took
All my patience to love you,  all my endurance to face mistrust
all my strength to recuperate from all the promises you freely made
just to break .
It took all I could give to satisfy what you’d take
it took my everything to feel adequate when the easy way was your only way,
it took perseverance to hear it and try to deny that voice in the back of my mind
And **** it to tell myself that I was worth more than  A friend you had *** with.
It took you to pull me up remember you’d call me your angel?
Well I had to grow wings to move on , the grounds to unstable.
It took you cutting me lose to face the sky willing and able.
It took realizing you were so weak, infantile, and feeble
To believe in the core of me I’m smart strong, capable.

Waiting on skype
While you hurdle your life
Neatly packed into bags
Across your vacant room.
Wondering if there is still
Space enough for me to fit.
If I can exist the same,
When you step off the
Other side of the plane.
Wondering if there
Is space enough
To place a fist full
Of broken words and
Eyes that mist,
A thousand things
I’m going to miss
And a hug I can’t quite reach
And I think..
I wish..
That this…
Can't be..
Goodbye
I guess.

Churning like the vast expanse of ocean laid at my feet.
All the distance and space of things,
Breaking like the wake inside of me
Like the ache inside of me,
Screaming..
Wait your drowning again
My head spins and my lungs
Burn at every want of breath
At every needing, at my neediness
At surviving day after day
Painfully aware of my slow sinking
Pretending I don’t care, about happiness
At my relentless pleas and prying
Into the gray spot of morality inside of me
Thinking an echo over and over
That I don’t miss my sense of belonging
Longing…
And yearning with every water molecule
In my physical body that you would reach out
Or say you want me.
That I could escape this rip tide and
Hide in dry sand, or your hands
Could pull me up and save me,
Lately the waters colder
And I’m older I’m harder, I’m patient,
Impatient…
I’m tougher , I’m jaded. I hate it
I hate me, I hate this
water rushes as I hit my knees..
Today I can't save me
Adrenalin spikes, heart's pounding
today's the day
today… I’m drowning.

In a world crying out for sameness...
for diversity it’s hard to understand,
why you chose me
why you never chose me
why you left me
why you kept me.
How in the beginning
I was absolutely everything,
and how when I woke
I was nothing.

charcoal smudges and
indistinct hazes of darkness
phrases laced in harshness harnessed
and armed with my conviction
addiction to truth even
when sharp enough to harm you
disarm you
dis-arm
dismember
sever limb
from limb
tongue from clever whim
from quipped retort
designed to thwart
off the largest offender
up wind down wind
I don't remember really the direction
from whence one came nor
name nor much anything
other than

charcoal smudges and
indistinct hazes of darkness
phrases laced in harshness harnessed
and armed with my conviction
addiction to truth even
when sharp enough to harm you
disarm you
dis-arm
dismember
sever limb
from limb
the smother hot tension seething
wriggling writhing ringing in my head
sirens throwing up red flags
at catch phrases
stated like razor blades
repeated like mantras
she said she said
he said they them,
my head
they said I was lonely
they said I was weak i think i thought
I believed
they loved me
someone told me
I wasn't worth a cent or sense
or that I had no sense
or that I was nonsense
all of it I think I thought all of it
I tense, became tense I tensed
over overwhelming disapproval
even at a distance
for my depreciating assets
the expense of my existence
my penance for loving myself
when it so inconvenienced
those I was living around
was letting myself
think I was worthless
forgetting
how to count
senseless
centless
arbitrary
I have digressed

I guess this is all jumbled concept
an attempt to recreate the conception
of my desecration
of the crumbling of my foundation
of the ashes left
when they, when she,when all of them
broke inside my head
to watch the walls burn
from the inside out
ashes
and charcoal smudges with
indistinct hazes of darkness
phrases laced in harshness harnessed
and armed with my conviction
addiction to truth even
when sharp enough to harm you
disarm you
dis-arm
dismember
sever limb from limb
sin from sin
self
from worth
you hurt me
they hurt me
I hurt myself
because I believed you
were telling me the truth.
I became dark

charcoal smudges and
indistinct hazes of darkness
phrases laced in harshness harnessed
and armed with my conviction
addiction to truth even
when sharp enough to harm you
disarm you
dis-arm
dismember
sever limb
from limb
kin from
kin
i'm gone now.
think of me as charcoal.

You are there to put a smile on my face and chase
Away so many of life’s little anxiety’s
And I’m gratefully lost in your distraction
I’m finally settled at least
With these things surrounding our attraction
It’s true and I’m preoccupied with what
You hid and the things you said
You bridged the gap between
What I thought I couldn't do and what I did.
A foot hold on the parlous  rock face
To where the sun sinks below the rocks,
And time makes the past a still frame in space
And stars reflections of our hearts
And the ocean knocks against the distance.
You are the foundation for my self healing
Self-image and in maintaining my resilience
You impact me simply in your existence.

I wonder how that soft glow
You ware like mouth watering
Cologne and fresh baked cookies
Still permeates the are around you
I miss you I wish I could have you.
Wish I could tie you up and
Capture it, just a tiny bit
To keep me warm on nights
Your to far away to feel.
I wish I could let my words
Turn soft on my lips so
You would know there real.

Did you lose your sense of belonging? Is it the way you know you don’t fit in, remarks on your skin, your partner, your friends? Is it that you could never get one; a general rejection from society always whispering your wrong? Perhaps its that not even the people everyone has told you should care most don’t at all. Perhaps you feel the ones that should care for you most lash out most of all and pull you down and push you against cement walls. Is it the feelings of building frustration that eats at you? Is it that you are stagnating in an unfortunate place or is it the terror you feel when you remember that you are trapped here with no way out except to wait. Is it that sense that you are completely and terrifyingly inadequate in the life you are in, in this situation you are surrounded by? Tell me right now what the hardest part for you is. Is it the sense of purpose that has died inside you like the delicate dreams you held protectively in fumbling hands or dose your desperation dance with all the things people can’t understand? Is it spinning and whirling and dipping with your sense of what is human with your sense of humanity? Do you shutter at their loss of compassion or the loss of your own? Do you think angrily of how they hate you or do you shudder in regret at the way you gave up on yourself? Tell me if you are angry for their wanting you to change or at your reflection for knowing that you can’t. Are you upset that you are aside from them or because in a moment of disgust you realize they are exactly the same as you? Are you mad that you alone are solely responsible for your sense of happiness while all along knowing it is all dependent on a wondering chance, some element you will need to accomplish it and allowing yourself to experience it while it’s there. Tell me I want to know, what’s the hardest part for you? Is it the pain, the terror, the dread, the numbness, the ache, the falling, the pressure, the restlessness, the emptiness, the cold indifference, the chaos, the cohesion, the awakening or your ignorance? Tell me what’s the hardest part for you?

Are you prepared or even aware that you have witnessed the very beginning of the slow unwinding of me? You’re looking at me like nobody else and witnessing first hand my rediscovery and simplification. Complex structures have failed me I am searching for my foundations. Releasing all hesitations and irrational reservations I have chosen the middle path never the path of least resistance.

All your smiles and sweet words,
Feel a bit like an ice pick
In my aching chest.
But I get it your scared,
And I’m not the best you could ever do,
I hope that’s true.
Just know knowing you is an echo
Of my past and empty promises that couldn't last.
You chose wrong,
I’m not on any throne
And you've always known I stand on no pedestal,
We didn't have to be alone.
But I was worth more, than to feel
That I constantly pester you.
I don’t know whether I’m disappointed in
Myself ,
Or proud that I was so brave,
Even if you walked away
And let me drown in that moat of unworthiness
While you mutter repetitively in your untouchable tower
That “she isn't worth the risk”.
Go ahead and merge with the shadows,
I’ll think of everything and hate that I miss,
Every bit of the things that cease to exist.

You won't even let aPrincess in
After ascending those walls
in the face of great rains,
and murmuring bandaids
over old scars and fresh pains.
You coward.

haven't penned much of anything
the last few days,
my favorite pen went on strike
demanding more hours..
holding back every speck of
preciously needed ink.
or maybe it just ran dry,
and I need a newer one to do the job.
oh my
Is that ageist ?
I didn't mean anything by it..
oh look I guess this ones working again,
must not of cared for the bias.

I was dust on the bottom of your
******* shoe
The aglets of your untied
***** mangled lace
Grinding violently on my
Unnoticed surface space,
And I just sat there clinging to
The part of you , you’d let me see
Wishing to be something.
Seems silly now that I didn’t know
If I wanted to grow up
All I had to do was
Let it the **** go,
Lay on musk moss and dirt
Forget the things I said
About being hurt and hard
Get over myself and see that  
I’m so ******* perfect
Sensational, inalienable and only
Every fool I’ve ever known wouldn’t love me.
My self included sorry.
Maybe I was made to fall apart,
Crumble to dust, spontaneously combust
Die and when  buried  
Discover the seed in the dust
Burst forth in green sprouts
In search of sun rays
After sun rays
Like new growth
After hard rain
Or flowers
Escaping sidewalks chains
Braking through like new days
I have fresh tears
Over growing pains.

How do you describe it? The feeling you get deep down inside yourself when your looking down at her? When you hold her frail hand in yours and grasp it as if you could lend some stability to her fragile mortality. When you see her and see everything that escapes those around you.
You see yourself in her, in her dimming eyes because when she is gone she takes a part of you with her. You feel responsible for the wrinkles around that shade of somber blue because you know the exact way she squints a little when she’s laughing; when she smiles. You know the way she gathers her anxious feelings in the crease between her brows. You see all your childhood, all your life and love and existence mapped out on her aged skin like a map to the parts of yourself you could never quite find, never quite understand. You see the scar on the tip of her index finger where she prodded herself on the tip of a seam ripper while mending your torn heart. You are perceptive to the way she has shrunk under the weight of all of her disappointments and hopelessness’ in equal parts with your own and you wonder how, in the perfect silence interrupted only by her shallow breaths, you will ever see anything else. You begin to wonder how you will ever find yourself. And you shudder when her stare focuses in and out like her consciousness, like her memories giving you glimpses of the things being torn from you. Like a phantom limb a place in your chest aches where things once were only to discover empty space a lack of movement when you try to use it. I see anger at her life, at her death, I see loneliness and hopelessness, I see laughter and tears, confusion and purposelessness, I see abandonment and acceptance, I see vulgarity and patience,
I blink
And see only the greatest of absence I have ever known,
And I remain where I am with my eyes clinched closed
Afraid  only to see what I can’t.

I look at myself in the mirror.
Naked as I have ever been,
Skin exposed to yellow light
And exhausted dreams buried
Under the purple skin beneath my eyes.
I stand there flesh on bones,
Light porcelain skin lightly
Kissed tan by the suns golden rays,
My hair a mess and my head in a haze.
I am alien,
I hate myself, I could scream it,
I mean it enough.
My skins soft, but inside I’m broken,
I’m rough.
I hate
The way my skin layers over
The hole in my chest, the delicate
Curve and bounce of my breast,
I think maybe once I was beautiful.
Inside I am in ruin, what I was
Has crumbled to dust, and my fluid curves
Just don’t look like much
When I see my reflection
as a dead shallow husk.
I find I hate the things I loved
When I can see them this way.
All of the things I loved about me,
Are nothing, are broken , fake,
I am so much uglier under
The relentless light Of my mistakes.

Hey*  you
That’s all that needs to be said as his hand explores my face
As he climbs into my bed
And whispers all my worries in comforting kiss
Kills my heartache in the simplest kinds of bliss
He lent me persistence in physical presence
And provided sanity soft as his lips
Dripping with sincerity echoing
In all the silence preceding and fallowing
His simple statement,
Hey  you
Colliding with my emotional dissonance
His caring limitless intentions
Scandalous and seaming compellingly  guiltless
Pulling me close and killing the lonely
So much, he shows me in utter darkness
And he says so much in such simple utterance.

I was waiting for the last chance
For the pressure to build
For the words to explode
For my feelings to spill
To feel the beginning the reeling
I’m heading in
A million directions.
I only wanted something to hold onto when I am
So scared
It’s impaired my breathing
Seething in guilt
Denying self-healing
Someone save me
Someone shake me
Make me believe
in something
It has to be me, but I’m bleeding
Over all the chances I had to say good bye
And I wish I would have been there
To tell you I was proud.
Now I’ll drown
Silently
And I will be remembering you.

I love you more than the air I breath,
Than the sun and the moon,
You so kindly do hang,
I’m in love with your sigh,
And the stars in your eyes,
And how no one could love me this way.
The problem you see is me loving me,
I’m afraid and as scared as I can,
That I’ve found a man
With a gentle hand and full hearty plan
Who gets through life just as anyone can
But loves me more than
I could  understand,
I’m always afraid that he’ll leave,
not that I can’t see
What his promises mean,
Just that when I look in the mirror
It couldn’t be clearer
he could do
A lot better than me.
no, the man adores me.
I just wish I could look and
see me , as he sees.

I wonder how many notebooks I would have to fill,
If thoughts of you would exceed the life of my pen.
Probably, but then again I might get trapped in
all the things we never said.
I might get caught inside my head,
revisiting all the things that made me feel
like I was silly to think you would want me,
A brokenness that haunts me,
I'll set down my God forsaken pen
And stop writing.
I will remember how every conversation lead
with hard question
is accused of my want of a fight..
I have been fighting
All the hard parts alone.
I wonder how many note books I could fill
About feeling on my own.
I wonder how many notebooks I could fill
with all the parts of you, you never let me know.

Waiting, like molecules slowed in crisp heavy air,
Like earths rotation has been compromised.
The clock has all but stopped its ticking,
Anticipation alive and writhing, sticking
To the moment before it, sighing
Licks its wicked lips, it’s smiling.
I swear its trying to **** me,
waiting for water to rush
Over and replenish this parched earth
Is like waiting for a cure
The day after death has
Rendered me stiff and ridged.
Riga mortise over and done with.
I wonder how many times
That I can die before
You will warm me with your kiss.
I miss you

He made love to me mid-day,
In passion I couldn’t replicate
If I wanted too, it happened
And like all original acts was great.
How come I can’t shake this feeling
That the earth shakes when I’m
Moving and my heads turning
But I still see straight, I’m smiling
But I wish desperately I could be crying
Relieve some pressure from my
Chest, a bomb about to detonate,
The haze is clearing why can’t I feel
Anything how it is, how I think it is,
How it was, does it count as insanity
If never breathing soul sees that side of me?
I mean inside of me, that’s a cloud lurking
Over what today ought to be,  
Considering all the ****** up insanity
In lives of those surrounding me, I think
I just need a little attention in a world
That doesn’t give a ****
About my day to day happenings,
That doesn’t give a **** about poetry,
That doesn’t really give a ****
About my feelings.
But at least
There is a caring, daring, strong man
In my gray shade life, who makes love like
Aurora makes me see colored lights
A nice contrast to a stark life.
I just wish
I could fix
Myself for
One *******
Good night.
So he could breathe easy and
Finally believe me when I say
He’s doing everything exactly
How he should be and I’ll be all right
He’ll never understand his kiss
Is magic but can’t just fix,
Nineteen years of brokenness.
And I’ll never feel right knowing
He never deserved any part of this.
It’s just a bad day , a hard one the one
You know the type that last an eon.
Breaks your hope that time goes on,
Keeps you up past one in the morning
Thinking about how
You can’t do it right, and you forgot to
Text the best part of everything
Goodnight.

If she could go back and change anything
She would gather her courage and stand
Just half an inch taller,
And sacrifice the bits of her heart you already devoured,
For the chance to maintain her self respect.
What the hell was she thinking?
Head reeling eyes blinking,
Bound like she owed you more than
The every bit of everything she already gave you,
she made you more important than herself,
She must have momentarily forgotten she’s a
Little embodiment of humanity
Lost in love and insanity,
You are less of a man than any body
You jump at the chance
To lose your empathy, drive, your capacity
To experience your life
The “opportunity” to care for nothing.
But you were nothing less
Than selfish…
Cutting it close to a monster
You always hoped she would remember
Just know you are the mistakes that still haunt her.
She talks of all the times she should have walked
And wonders if you ever really loved her.  
You made her hurt so much harder but
Honestly shes tougher
And in the dark she doesn't cry
She often smiles, it took awhile but it doesn't matter,
you will never ever touch her
shes on fire,
the kind that turns heads and breaths laughter
and chases faster than hard liquor and starts
working  quicker than all the drugs on your brain.
Lazy attempts to numb everything.
She so much better, lighter brighter and burning hotter.
Its probably a hard thing admittedly
to be the dumb-*** that didn't want her.

I find my eyes tracing  lines
In subtle efforts to find
Exactly what moment was
Pivotal in finding our redefining
Reread rediscover.
Hover to soak in every ounce
Of something I’m not completely
Comprehending,
Listening for my echo to tell me something
About what the hell I’m meaning,
I’m spinning over the thought of it,
To finally have the chance
To whisper all my stabs
At a truth I haven’t had
and make you realize
there’s a million parts of you
worth writing over,

rereading to rediscover
Hover to soak up every ounce
Of something worth reliving,
Risking, head spinning, heart beating,
Words kissing over the kind of kissing
You leave me needing
creating that smile on your lips
Give it again I want another chance
Too look at you under scrutiny of pen

And hover reread rediscover
peel open your cover,
Let my fingers trace the page
And capture the bits of you
between the words we said
When you fumble, in the silence,
In your weakness, in how you
Look through your eyes and grin.
The bits of you, you leave
Open wide and unedited
When you decide to let me in.

You might be just a new chapter
In a life I’m excited to lead,
That’s a hell of a lot better than
A list of things
To miss and broken dreams
No pressure,
Whatever lesson this literature holds
I’m glad I held you,
I’m sure as hell am glad I read you.
Your my poems steady  build
Your words bursting at its seams
causing ink to well beneath my skin.
But the bruises you give,
I would like to get again.
So I hover, reread  to rediscover

The skin wrapped so elegantly across these bones of mine
acts as a barrier
separating me from everything else,
as long as I keep my lips pressed firmly to each other
I can manage to prevent
spilling my guts
that's best for every one I think.
No matter how I yearn for the relief of pressure
when my heart tries to escape my chest
at best
and at least relive the flood of my thoughts.

I ought know
wearing this suit of skin isn't enough
glacial blue eyes are an open well
speaking of sorrow to anyone with
a decent pair of eyes to tell.
even my perfectly placed smiles
pale under that shadow.
the utter vastness of the loss I feel
reminds me how large I am
regardless of my frequency of meals.
the expanse in my chest is so immense
it seems I am tearing at every seam.
most every thing I have held dear,
slipping through the fraying tear.

voices from limited perspectives telling me how I ought to feel.
quivering with anticipation to mention
my over reaction to small things,
at small hills appearing in my waking dreams
as vast mountain ranges,
imagining tragedy in the  frame of my yesterdays
and through the lenses of life's strangeness;
preparing to head out with the Donner party
while you take stroll up a grassy knoll basket in hand,
while i'm measuring out my morality as meticulously as grains of sand,
and you
never once wondering the weight of all the other burdens I am carrying
and have carried try to tell me, i'm insane
for preparing for rain in dry summer heat.
with no one to share my pain.
I assure you i'm not insane
I just go through my life living as me.

but you have not lived the life I have lead
and dare not to spread the weight.
at worst,
I like to think of myself
As husk of skin wrapped around a strength unhindered by my physical size
existing out of the vastness within my emptying heart.
I will be alone to rejoice at my discovery.
there are a small number of things that can not be taken away
and it is those things I have discovered,
no weight can crush me.
I have carried the world on my frailest shoulder
I have been trapped and many have unloved me
but my chest still rises
in lows and highs
and no one has ever taken the endless opportunities
that dwell  deep within the days I have never seen,
but they come, and are always coming
they are the possibilities of things I have never even considered.
And while most days I feel I have not but withered and fallen farther from things
another piece of me fly's and rings.
godless or not I have found my faith.
welling up inside me trying slowly to fill this space.
to fill me with humanity.
I Have faith that things change, are always changing.
These feelings and this space will inevitably cease to exist as surly
as the way I miss the presence of my loved ones on this turning ball in space
my love will outlive that pain
and like so many other things
being lonely is a temporary state.
that is the strength within me.
life tested for durability
I will endure. I endure everything.

Brown little can resting on restless wheels
Waiting to carry me away,
Paint peeled  like every bit
Of my sense of security
I’m in fear of everything,
Of leaving my dreams and sense of identity
Of all the screams that play in
My day dreams,
In echoes off the vacant caverns in my chest
Little fists clenched and weary
Longingly staring at pavements passing
Wishing to wake, to cry to break
The silence with this tremendous
Confusion,
Refusing to let blond feathered hair out of my sight,
Like he might just disappear
Drop into distance like everything else
I have ever known, that’s ever grown inside of me,
I will hide him,
In fake smiles, in hand holding,
I will hide him from fathers breaking cry’s
The first tears spilt over old scars
From his crippled heart.
I will tell him I love him so much
There will be no room for my wounds
He will have no space for the vast expanse of
Pain of mistrust and the awful nothingness.
Everything is gone, the world is the inside
Of this car hurdling through space with no destination,
I am holding the weight of the world on
My frail little shoulders and I hold it.
I only break under the weight of his sad eyes
glacial blue gray where my hope drowned
and my childhood dies. There is no safe part in me.
I’m sorry
I’m so sorry…

I am tempting, intoxicating,
Admittedly I know I am so,
With all my edges exposed,
All my light, my darkness spill
In radiant hues around me.
I’m all those memories of heaven,
Of hopes and dreams and things
Lay to rest by my rational dissection,
mourned over by my quivering emotions.
Bad luck I suppose that I saw it coming.
Placing myself and so your eyes, onto ground level.
For perspective, for stability.
Why then do you appear disheveled?
Eyes wander, fingers pacing, lips bit with anticipating,
Torn there in your quiet reverie,
When I’ll lend any part of me to keep you together?
You shudder, at the thought of my touch, the words I mutter
Its true I lust, you lust.
You, like me, are irrevocable,
You exude humanity,
Your light sprays and twist over your dark pool,
I want to reach out and touch you
If  he exists, forsakes you, then know this,
I’d rather burn in the fiery pit eyes bright
Than miss my life, myself, this chance, your kiss.
No matter, I refuse to be but brighter.
I’m sorry your not sure,
I’m sorry you don’t know like I do.

Deep blue eyes ringed with a frost
Mirroring the ache in your chest
Similar to the pain
You experience with both fists
Crammed into snow drifts.
He Blinks,
eyes
Shift .
They lift to meet mine, fleeting
Shift, shifting,
My heart beating
Leaving me feeling like
Maybe I have
your eyes for a reason,

hesitating considering Begging,
trapped in circular thinking
Always coming back ,Just mean it.
Like a whispered prayer “just mean it”
Like a hungry desperation “ just mean it”
Like a shameful confession “ just mean it”
Like an explosive accusation “ JUST MEAN IT”
Screams echoing in my head
Don’t leave me

Trapping feelings like thunderstorms
Beneath my skin speckled
In the yellow tint, purple blue bits
Of faded bruises
Reflecting the greatest testament
To your affection you ever gave,
The greatest gift I ever received.
To be loved you will be tough
You will never be saved
You will never be safe
I will shift, I will be shifting
I will be changing my mind as I speak
And then I will be leaving.
He is filling me with all these anxious feelings.

Leaving me fidgeting and
Blinking
My eyes shift
Shifting
Thinking I ought to blink
Faster , straining
To feign indifference
Knowing tears make his pace quick.
I get sick

Looking at reflective surfaces
Deep blue eyes ringed with a frost
Mirrors depict the ache in my chest
Similar to the pain
You experience with both fists
Crammed into snow drifts.
Blink, Shift .
They lift to meet mine, fleeting
Shift, shifting,
My heart beating
Leaving me feeling like
Maybe I have
your eyes for a reason.

We meet and I tremble.
Life shifts and I fit
Perfectly aginst your chest.
You said beautiful things
like lets

And I have never heard things
like the things you said,
in your finger tips.

I trip
and I fall to hard
under sharp stars.
Become aware i'm to far under high bars.

So hate me freely
and while i'm broken
I am not needy
needing is for those who think
beyond brething

I feel to far beyond saving,
fingers tremble
life shifting
I'm shaking
praying to empty space
for day to brake

I am faking,
faigning,
saying to much.
Saying nothing not enough,
thinking, thinking thinging

For me to forget ,
for my own sake
that I loved our lust
the magic the star dust.

the smell of musk and
brown eyes
drowned in rememberance
of soft sigh
the lies laced in
each kiss
and unspoken promises

I'm haunted
by falling stars
by falling stars
put out by an ocean of fears

taste of dissapointent
the falling of tears .

I feel like drowning and counting
on stars to drop
wishing on things
that will let me down
like hope
like hoping to drown.

letting my sarrow hold me
in tight grip
untill tomorrow.
the sun is the only star
I should have clung too,
you were the only one
you are every one
I have ever come undone too.

Light fades and every sun ray disintegrates
Into gray scale, pays tribute
To faithless hope or a hopeless faith
And I’m losing myself
Like clouds drop rain.
Not a tear shed for the parts they throw away,
Lying all my shadows across the things they say,
Until I’m hallow,
And I feel nothing
But this soft familiar thrumming,
It’s you calling
It’s always knowing when I have no home,
When I have gone insane,
That I can live in the way you say my name.
You watch me, lift me off my toes
Learn the things nobody knows
Chose the things nobody chose
Gather all my pain in your strong arms
Whisper your happy my soul touched yours and that
I’m altogether more than this compilation of scars.
No matter how far I fall
Into dark
No matter how much life
Costs
I swear I see you.
And when I feel small under skies full of stars,
I feel found , tucked under your arm.
I feel safe under your gaze
And I can spend days in your space,
Saying everything,
Saying nothing,
At a comfortable distance,
In the thrill when we’re touching.
And your my best friend I’ve always loved
To keep loving.
Everything changes,
But this familiar thrumming

Knees weak and trembling
Lost to rhythm, lost to times
To the flashing lights and ancient lies
Of your laugh and ****** humor,
To your eyes and wrinkled warped wisdom
With how you always held your hands,
With the million ways you used them
And the games we would play  
All the days spent on repeat  
Poison broken hope hid in hell and
Torment disguising the life and decay
In the bottom of your soul
gone.
Your immense presence dwindling
Into nothing as you cave in.
Defined by your addiction,
Owned and liberated to be
Defined by your prognoses
Still hosting those same feelings
Of self hate, depreciation
Creating your own hell
For temporary damnation
I pray you save yourself,
There’s no one here to help you.
I’m sorry I couldn't stop you,
I’m sorry your life haunts you
Weighs on you taunts you like the guilt
Causing pressure on your chest,
Lung cancer it spreads,
I hate to whisper to myself
Because all that’s left to be said
Is you shouldn't hold your breath.

Maybe if I paint my lips red
I’ll forget I’m hallow
And maybe if I put on
My favorite skinny jeans
I’ll know what it means to feel
pretty
I’ll remember that
I have tomorrow
And the clinching in my chest
Meant to jest at my own demise
And the way I despise myself
Won’t always show in sad blue water eyes
I can’t hide at the back of the shelf.
I can’t  be stifled by my own sorrow,
Let me borrow your sunshine,
I’ll bring mine tomorrow.

I wish I could take your kiss
****** you with my hungry gaze
pull you down hard by your need
gravitational pull speeding
Straight down toward ecstasy
landing ******* your knees .
wish I could make you moan
until your begging me please.
While I’m like molasses
Smooth slow and sweet,
creating anticipation good enough to eat.

I remember being seven and scared,
The ground trembling to the sound of
A smash and the tinkling of broken glass,
My feet bare on the old wood floors,
My heart beats fast as the house sways
My eyes peeled listening to the awful things they say,
Hate resonating in the old bones of this house
I scrabble to the safe corner of my dim room
And papers start to scatter, and my favorite pen hold my
Trembling hand,
And years pass and pages burn ,
I learn to un-hear the awful words I heard.
I buried myself in books and
Sentences, in syllables in a million beautiful words.
I lost stray poems like bits of myself,
I forgot entire chapters of repeated
Life lessons and tried to unlearn
What the hard parts of life teach us.
Escaped to the far reaches, where hopelessness was
Dreadfully close but could never quite reach us.
I would have loved to read,
All the words I spread on empty white sheets,
All the lessons I’d have left for my older me
Stacked in high mountains on those old wood floors,
I would love to explore the lost chapters of myself,
I morn there loss like my childhood identity.
Perhaps every last page
was just one step closer to serenity.

her cold stair,
blank nostalgia draped with silent intentions
scalds me when her name is mentioned,
behind strained wishes,
taunted behind distant wants,
all caught up in my broken heart
subsides in my stomach tied in knots
all delicately laid in such a way
as to barricade  who I was
from getting to who I wanted to be
while day after day I strained looking
and trying, hoping and crying
until the moment I burst forth
in glorious flame they called me phoenix
I remembered my name
I gathered my strength mustered
every ounce of my courage and
let them go, tiped the scale, domino
tore the seem of my reality, gave my self
some room to grow.

There is a vast forest of my thoughts
Growing slowly in this
Expansive distance
And this shaking hallow wind echoes
In passive resistance
Against reaching branches
Marked by a remarkable drop in temperature
Rolling around and drowned
Caught in the undertow of excessive and
extensive self-expressive literature
You are the perfect example of uncertainty
In yourself, in your remarkable ability
To avoid direct contact.
You abandon me here in these woods
Completely directionless
And pondering the probability of your return.
murmuring to myself " you have learned
nothing."

You've never met him…. she whispers,
Gathering concern in the creases between her brows.
Her eyes pulling everything out of the surface of my skin,
Trying to gauge my actions out, trying to change them
Looking for me to shift my words
Refusing to put herself in
My perspective, filling me with doubt.
I pull my thoughts of you out
Become the reflective introspective I am at heart.
Lost in your gentle voice wrapped in honest laughter,
In all the promises you so kindly never make,
Reveling in the bits of me you so sweetly never break.
So gently never bring me down, in the way you sing
And make me smile so hard my cheeks ache
I remember the exact way you shake your head,
When your sleepy and questioning something that I've said.
Perhaps it’s the exuberance in voice, how you light up when I laugh.
How you watch me when I waver and move forward like I never have,
How every second you use words to ask for answers
To questions no one else cares to ask,
How you let me pull back layers and you show me all your masks
And build me the biggest fort out of your silk sheets
And blankets for me to hide for two childish adults retreat
And day dream and discover  the colors in our eyes.
I begin to wonder how it came to be,
That you would see me clearer
Than she does.
She can’t understand how
From so far away you touched me
Softer, sweeter, hotter calmer,
Than anyone else had.
My stomach trembles at the thought of it,
At the thought of you and the tone you take
And the words you chose.
At the things you say, at the person you are
And the distance you break.

Well ..
I whisper my response making my gaze stronger
Inhaling a bit longer head spinning heart beating harder,
I've met him silly
He just lives far
He's seen me
And I him.
I've met him , pshh hes like
My best friend.

Its crazy reflecting on all my misguided thoughts of you,
I was all wrong about you,
Now baring my deepest insecurities,
And most brazen actions you only
Hold me up and **** the lonely,
Again and again you give me hope
In humanity and my sanity
In profanities hidden powers and
Boys duality in this sick twisted existence.
Your persistence astounds me,
How was I so lucky ?
You don’t even know you’re gorgeous
And sweet and the strongest,
Modest
Most honest individual
I have encountered in eons.
The list rolls forever on
I want to be like this forever, so never stay away.
I just wanted to say thank you,
For not judging me today, when
Judgment was easy.
And thank you for taking the time
To stop and really see me.

Remember all the years you were dieing for the moments
to swoop in
and save the day like one big
beautiful cliche
in a big suit of armor
atop a gallant steed,
usually camouflaged as your little brown pick up.

nothing big enough to get in your way,
no distance carved out in black highway
you wouldn't conquer to make me smile.
Because when I smiled you were happy
Because when I cried you were broken and
you loved me to much
to leave me lonely sad and so
wide open.

Sometimes I admit I miss the glow and haze
even the taste
of our first kiss,
that new high that pure bliss
when we finally made sense of our fondness
of our bond
and we made promises.

And even still ,
you make me brave enough
to believe in them.
And that may be sweeter even
than that first lovely kiss.