You are exceptionally perplexing
All the things you say in the silent space
Between us
And the subtle shift you are always making
In this direction
I didn’t think you’d take us.
You are something real and tangible
Something concrete and manageable
So why can’t I comprehend your existence
When every day you lure me in with coy smile
And patient persistence
Hand out and silently asking me to take it
While you step waist deep into
A soft wake of a million risks
I’m about to take.
I keep thinking I’m dreaming and when I wake
When I blink
I’ll be drowning
And no one will be around
To tell me
You'll  be  ok.  
Just an empty shadow of a thing that wasn’t real
To take the place of your hand,
Of a man
So perplexing
I’m afraid to think I understand.

I got drunk, ecxited thinking
I would be sinking into something
I was to afraid of thinking
Making some progress moving
Through all the feelings looming
Everyday perhaps sheding
Some light
On why my chest gets tight
Instead I just keep thinking
About sneaking in and waking
This perfect handsome man
And sleeping in his arms
Were I want so desperately  to belong
Wondering if he is looking forward to uncovering
Me

But I’m paitiantly waiting to see the
Look on his face
Taste the in the air
Make a move change the pace,
take me
I’m begging, I’m shifting,lifes changing
I’m aiming to change the way things
Have always been
You are the best reason I’ve ever had to hold my breath and jump in.

I feel guilty in hot spikes
Like I might be doing something I ought not want to
Or that by focusing on me you may feel I forgot you
That by allowing you to play in the back ground of my active brain
For day
After day
After day
I am not fixating on the way you say my name
Or remembering all the times you came
To save the day, I am not reaching out to touch you
In a physical way
And I don’t let myself feel sad with no distractions
I just fade and detach  when guilt feels like
Fractures.
Then I got to thinking
About myself and what I want and
I thought maybe we are perfect,
Perfectly in step with who we ought to be,
i,m moving,
And with you gone in all this change I felt
I was leaving
But i,m dreaming
Of standing on my own two legs
and of all the sweet things you always say
about my heart and my head and
that I accomplish great things,
you would be proud of me.
I’m just making my own place
My own bit of sunshine, my own oasis
So I can pull you in
And face it
All the bright light all my mistakes
Our first date and late nights,
Holding your hand and chasing loose dreams
Like pretty butterfly wings.
Like you run when we race
For the last of the swings,
I love you, and suddenly it seems like
Moving toward you and moving toward me
Are actually quite possibly the very same things.

I remember being proud of every granule of dirt
Raw beaten earth,
I built my temple out of.
Every water molecule in my crimson blood
Carefully selected to carry an essence
That I protected,
with the support of glass bones
Wrapped in healing wounds,
Putting everything I have into
Forgetting how to flinch
Regardless of the brutality life
Tries to dress me in,
Or smother me with .
Work through psychological damages
Practice away my
st stu stutter,
putting away broken syllables un uttered.
I will rise, you can not keep me tonight
I hunger
to fight,
Walk right up to the dark like
I never new the way it turns you into nothing
If you think im crazy,
Maybe your right
but im reminding you of something,
something that you tell yourself can't exist
something you let go of , something that you miss.
A sort of  irrationality that's still making perfect sense,
plays in your morality defies your common sense.
This is the only chance I have at persisting to laugh
And
I
Will
persist.
The only  way for me to stay bright
The only way to keep light in my
dimming eyes
Is to shine and let them see .
Something about existing, and persisting
In vulnerability is more than frightening
It is freeing.
I AM, as surly as
I am being,
I’m lifted, I’ve missed this.
I hope you catch the meaning
The thought of missing it
Leaves me feeling guilty
Like my will was straying,
praying to nothing
For things I had but wasn’t seeing.
I forgot to believe
That I was impossible
and that i'm breathing.

If I were braver I would tell you what I think I know
I would tell you I love you and that
You light up my soul

I Would tell you that it’s true
Even though I know it doesn’t
Make things easy
And the trembling in my scar tissue
Makes me sort of quesy,
Even if you can’t say the same three words to me
And I want it
Or worse yet I’m haunted
That you will…
And I’ll fall to the hallow sound
When your unsure,
I would rather squirm in the silence
Then fall to the pretense
Of a love unreturned.
I think I have learned that love comes in different flavors
And you are all your own.
I love you different than any person
I have ever known.
I’m unsure of how long
This life will let me hold you in my arms
Or if your wit and your charm will be enough
To get us by
But it is no lie when I say
I love you.

Paper frogs hoping through soft memories
Of smiling and reading up every delectable word
Your tiny messenger had to say, just another way you
Saved me every day.
A paper frog perched on the top shelf
Of our locker and the little note
Brought sparks back as you approached.
Making my heart beats harder.
The swarm that caught me after my stay away.
Just response to heartache and distance
Our own way to stabilize and build resilience
Resistance against the corrosive insistences of life.
You just left it all behind, you left me.
But I still find ways and reasons through
Life’s seasons to brighten days with
The broad  head and little legs
Of the creased paper with ink stains
In the shape of a frog for smiles sake.
They have replaced invitations,
Goodbye letters, reminders notes,
A Christmas card to my cancer fighting
Grandma who smiled so hard I had to make others.
Made a couple for my brothers
And all along thoughts of you always hover
Right  there at their creases.
Perhaps it’s just the bit of you, you left in me
Showing through all my broken pieces.

You both are just standing there,
One of you captured in your own stoic silence.
Unwavering but trembling on the inside all caught up in your archaic pride.
The other sputtering words bubbling,
A tortured smile on your face,
Grinning at your own sin and your own mortality,
Like its just a joke …where no one can find a punch line
At least I don’t .
It seems steep
For the two of you to loiter so close to the edge of an abyss so deep,
Just toying with the thought
Of your metaphysical leap.
You make me question my mortality,
You make me question everything.
You breaking my heart when your smiling and I’d just love to scream.
Try harder, don’t you dare ******* leave me.
And to the other, to not be scared
There’s no way I could express
The million ways I love her,
All wrapped up and under cover of
All the complexity you left me with ingrained in me.
You made me bulletproof and weak in the knees,
And put deep in my heart a desperate need to question every bit
Of everything,
Don’t leave.
Not yet,
You silly stubborn women,
Covered in decorated scarfs and nighttime robes,
Don’t go in your clever masks,
Please please stay.
I don’t know how to feel alone.
You held me as a child and I’v grown and I know
That I would crumble into missing you.
You made me who I am today.
please stay...

You are the trembling in my lower stomach
Teeth clinched against my bottom lip
The reason for my slipping focus
The feeling of my heart
Beating so **** hard
Beneath my bouncing *******,
The remembering of how your
Strong arms held me to  
Your perfect, tan, chest
How you lift me up,
You fill me up,
You make me my very best
Bathe me in your needing,
In your wanting
Knowing you want this
How you
Sigh, sinking in and I
Can’t help but think you
Take away my trembling breath
And light me on fire
The next day I breathe a confidence
Lost in my inner goddess
Born from the ashes of our desire.

I’m finding great depths just beyond guarded eyes, painted in soft sighs and great pains residing just beneath your silly grin. I find all these old scars pinned down on the underside of your soft skin, I find so much of myself in you. In your pain you so urgently hide away but so desperately want the chance to express. You undress under the very same insecurities as I, you look at me wanting the same safe place we are both unsure even exists. You miss the things that felt whole in your chest, you live in your own honesty and self-sacrifice, in your own realism dyeing to be needy instead of needed if only in moderation the temptation to finally give to the pressure of harsh realities and lay instead of lift it. To fall apart within the confines of safe arms to hold you together, keep you warm and make the world stop while you lose your breath. I see you like you see me,  in tiny fragments of a mirror, I’ll make my perspective clearer, strip away my light skin and my slight frame in so many ways I can’t explain I look at you and see myself as very much the same.

I am not as broken as I think I am,
I'm capable of more than I feel I can.
Escaping the numbness
Just lets in the flood,
So I feel it fresh again.
Just breath slowly…
No one here even knows me.
I am not so abandoned
So abused,
I am not so used
As to be rendered useless.
This is my truth
Its what I murmur to myself,
To the darkness in my room,
Into the comforting embrace
Of my tear soaked quilt.
I will not be undone,
I will not be made to wilt.
when I have only just begun.  
tomorrow will be brighter,
I will always persevere,'
I've always been the fighter.

I used to feel like the grand canyon
All shades of brown  dust
That held itself wide open
With unimaginable strength,
Possessing incomprehensible beauty

I am now nothing but that single tear
Cascading down your perfect cheek
You don’t see into me
You merely see through me
And I am small
And I will be flexible
And I will likely fall from great heights
Like rain drops
And when I strike the ground
I will remember how many
Years , how many
tears it took to make
Me
Brave enough to be wide open
How I am vast span of pain and protest
How I fought for understanding and
Acceptance , that I could I posses
This incomprehensible beauty.

Am I losing my luster ?
I used to shine and pride over words I spilled
I thrilled over each line
Like I had something to do with the way they laid
Delicately over white page, over soft glowing screen
It seems more likely that the words
That rise like high tide beneath my skin
Fall on there own accord and become something more only
After I have come away
Its in our separation, in my
Neglect and abandonment
That others hold, reach handle it and
There is a fine line, I straddle it
Between what the words want
And what I though I’d mean
And the things that you glean reading between
And the prettiest parts of these simple things
Are the ones that you see that far escaped me
Just beyond my intention more an accident then invention.
I just write when the pressure is high
But as any poet or poetess will confess I
Can hardly claim its what I envisioned
As far as pride
These things write themselves
I'm nearly stretching the truth when I claim
I was only here to help.

Skipping pebbles and watching the ripple
Reach out until it fades , or its fingers grasp
At the sand on the edge of the bank.
A sad gesture I think,
It seems Just like me,
Always leaping and reaching
And feeling it fall between your fingers
Drop like shaking knees
Like sand on the bank
Takes some patient observations
To find reason to thank
Salty tears pool like the ones that linger
On my porcelain cheek,
Feeling mild and momentarily
Enveloped in the telling tropical storm
The whirling wind whistling through the hole in my chest
Reminding me I’m torn
The pain of each beat just like the next
Breaking wake against sand
A rip tide against my
Washed out pride
Warm water against my skin
If you would touch my tears
I think you’d understand
The sorts of feelings
I’m wading in.

I am pulsating with all my
Life I’m living,
Smiling so hard my cheeks ache at the way,
You look at me, you look that way,
Exuberant and gushing about the feeling
Heavy in the air grasping at my uncertainty
And pulling it down leaving behind something more revealing,
A more vivid vital version of myself,
I feel so grand right now,
Every bit of me living out the beat
I don't even understand why your here or how..
but It's perfect,
your smile says it was totally worth it
Effervescently setting free these wild feelings
I couldn't feel in me.
Moving through my limbs in perfect motion,
against your breathing, into
your irrevocable smile hidden in
your perfect aura tasting of ecstasy,
come closer be next to me.
share yourself
in this moment I know your quite a bit shy but,
let me feel your freedom.
I love the way I’m feeling and the sweet words when you say them.
I happily bathe in the subtle things your pouring over me,
And my rhythm, on my skin, and I like
The way you peek over my shoulder
Its nice,
How I feel you falling and
Just keep the beat,
Just keep mouthing the lyrics
Like a poem, every single one because you know em
Nodding your head with that smile on your face
Nothing matters more than that,
Don’t let me go in this moment
Seriously please
Just dance
Like this is our only chance
With all these feelings fleeting take the leap
Take my hand find the beat,
Just dance...

He said he wanted to catch my tears.
I fear I’ve been lied to.
Wouldn’t be the first time,
His string of words didn’t line up.
He’s never been one for giving up,
Lots of boys talk to him and he
Makes jokes,
He can’t keep his head straight
But he thinks he’s straight where it counts.
I think he likes to circle around the truth
With loud distractions
And things I want to hear.
I fear I’ve been lied to.
Wouldn’t be the first time,
His string of words didn’t line up.
He’s got me talking in circles,
Never was one for linear thinking.
So I’m not straight.
Maybe I should give up and start talking to girls.
In high school maybe I should have
Listened to their jokes.
I can talk straight,
But to him it never seemed to count.

***** makes me say the things
I would say if I were brave
***** makes me admit to things
I thought I’d never say
It makes me miss you, makes me frisky
Makes me unafraid so
If I could do anything it would be
Take shots with you
Let things lay and sort them out
With a string of drunken truths
Stay unafraid unlike the every day
And just lie down with you

I let you see me, you let me in
and we agreed on nothing
But we understood everything,
And I didn't say it yet but you were my very best friend.
We stood on different ends of everything
It was maddening but across the distance
We would always see eye to eye
We fell wide open and into each other,
You never let me down
And although I was the water , you never let me drown.
Fire, you became my light and warmth and
The spark that inspired inner strength
You made me think, you made me laugh, and weep
And I keep thanking a God who doesn't listen
Who might not exist for your existence
As time passed and we changed
You turned into warm ashes
And me a light rain
I Finally feel grounded.

My pen has no eraser
its end inks over my soft skin
etching errors over the places I've been
inscribing the essence of the sins I've sinned
My poems saved me
like tattoos that allow me to
explode poetry into the external
to be remade, remodeled
like a sprinkle of ink syllables
creative release in the form of an ink fit.
I'd leave it if I could, I'd want to and I would.
But simply I can't stand and that's the stance I’ll take.
And its how I get by day after day .
my poems save me.

You wanted to talk to me just long enough to ease the guilt
You put yourself under. I wonder if you even felt
A genuine feeling the whole time you cried.
If you were ever even sorry that you lied, or if
You just hate the idea of missing my kiss,
Or missing this feeling of bliss when I smile,
If it was ever real you wouldn’t risk,
My disappointment in you for a kiss
Against every promise you have made and broken,
And made again, it was my mistake
To take your word once you broke it,
Keep my heart you stole it. Was it a race?
Because you’re reckless I’m a wreck and like always,
I’m whose left to clean the mess.
I asked if you could be here for me,
But you hung up you said to sleep,
I hope you can think of that while you dream,
Because your on the list of things
That I don’t need,
But thought I wanted
Now I’m haunted with that empty promise
And I can’t sleep.
You said seems like things just changed,
I would say it seems your right.
Beacuse your still lying over the same **** things.

You are all wrapped up in your hostility remarkably
Handsome with that impish grin, hand playing
With the hem of the defensiveness I’m in.
You always step just a bit to close to test
Something in this
To gest at something
Better than this competition,
You would like us to both win.
Bite your lip again I like to think
You are more than a mistake that’s not mine to make,
Sometimes
I think…
I should let you win
And if you came here to press on my skin,
Pull at the edges of my uncertainty,
I might just let you in.

What was it worth?
You are just a million pieces that never settle.
A good bye and a get well
A hush hush whispering a don’t tell
Squelched by the fact that
You were far from well
Far from health
living in
The bits of hell you swallowed yourself
Straight from the warm can
Clung to like a man lost at sea
Clings to a fist full of dry sand.
Breaking like a full gale
Against a torn sail
Crumbling drunkenly
to your weak  knees
Muttering obscenities
And listing your brokenness
Only stopping to
Wipe the wanderlust
From your hazed vision.
What hope did I have?
What love did we live in?
Tell me was it fate that stole you
Did they take away the bird in your chest
Or was it you?  
That held hope hostage
Shackled the bird to her nest let me
Be the first to tell you
You let me down
Let me be the first to notice
That you were worth
More when you were still around.

Peeling away layers like
They were made of soft cotton
And had buttons ,
You surprise me,
Shows in my sighs I think
Your kiss firm against my inner thigh,
Tongue pressed against my willingness
Expressed in every moment we have alone
Out of eagerness
In the nervous shaking of my fingertips
While I reach for something
Beyond your chest ,
Fallow the rise and fall
And concentrate on how your arms hold me
To the center of everything
While I free fall, eyes closed heart stalled into
This lack of control,
No you wont let me lose myself
And suddenly
I realize the crashing
In my head is just
Walls crumbling to dust,
You are resurrecting
The remains of my broken trust
Brazenly causing the destruction of
My inhibitions with every little
Kiss across my middle,
Along my leg and between my hips
it seems you cause
this
Undue influence
Every time you part your lips.

I was a shadow
An echo
An after thought
Of all my hopes and dreams,
Promises and insecurities,
I let myself down,
And even I watched in silence as I drown.
I woke with fresh life
And an urge to purge old baggage I hate
All the weight
I can’t have that.
So I Just let it go, and
Woke with my head exposed
And bobbing
On calmer waters,
Climbed onto shore got warm
And remembered feeling is hard,
I think being numb was harder.
I am quivering in anticipation
Lost all my patience in waiting
To experience something
Self illuminating.
I can’t tell if I’m falling apart
Or together but I’m feigning
Through life exploring my ache
At the thought of changing.
I’m moving on I’m done waiting.
I’m alive
This is
Exhilarating.

You make me smile and look forward to days
Drag me out in into the rain and remind me there
Is a real world out there,
So I leave my haze and face it, but you animate it
In your vitality and expressions
You breath laughter and gave it
To me like something contagious,
If my life were a movie we were watching
It would be hard to tell in what frame
Exactly you became my best friend
But if we paused right now than
Maybe you would feel the intensity
Of my vast appreciation and affection
Seen in the last scene of any sappy chick flick
Where everything turns out perfect in the end,
I strive to fall in love with my life,
Tonight I realized I did. And when
I think about what’s gone right
I think of all the things you've ever said.
Your perfect I mean it seriously it’s true
I think it’s why I love Abe he amplifies
The awesome that is you,
Without a sacrifice or compromise of his,
Here it is ,
Know this, I love you both a lot
And Jessie
You've taken up a big spot in my heart,
For a wide range of things
And I don’t think that could ever change.
If you ever need a thing know I’m here
Just for you and being that,
Just being friends  is like
The best choice I have ever made,
I just want to say I ******* love you.
And i hope this brightens your day. =)

I feel like you just dropped me
And I was so afraid
Of the winds friction against me
Of my stomach flipping
Of the things behind me
That my eyes were misting,
Afraid to hurt as I hurdled
As all my weight
Gave gravity leverage over me.
I know what its like to gather
Fractured pieces of your essence
To have your dreams pool at your feet
While you bleed abandonment.
I want to find you I seek
Your face and that sense
Of naivety
Your safety always gave me.
You provided stability to hope,
You fueled my dreams,
You made me believe
I was worth something.
Your eyes will be the last I see
On impact
Your laugh will echo in
All my bad dreams to come undone to.
I’m done playing this game with you.
And it hurts to smash face first
Onto frozen dirt.
But I’m a lot harder now
My hallow chest falls slower
This person I have become
You’ll never really know her.
She doesn’t fracture at the thought
Of your next abandonment
She doesn't hurt anymore
As a means of self punishment.
I promise, here watch me step off the edge
It’s not enough to want me.
Part of me is still dead or dying
Over all those things you said.  
My heart bleeds and my head
Swirls with all these lessons you have taught me.

cut me open,
or just wait patiently while I sluff of all the important bits
of myself.
self depreciative
eventually I always fall
all the way apart
and surrounded
by those who took my heart
things often go missing.
My family is comprised of so many things
But for the sake of these themes
I can  call them all thieves.

I'm nothing but the fading shadow
of who I was before
nothing but the fleading sounds
beating echoes
soft crasindoes
of wave on crashing shore

I used to fight the monsters inside men
I held my fist to
addictions caged in forgotten shells
that called themselves men
that called themselves urges
that called themselves
uncles,
sons,
sorry,
called themselves friends
called themselves
more names than
anyone could occupy in honesty all at once
all i saw was
an angry vacancy,
full of nothing
hiding in everything.

except for the children i hid behind me,
there light
showing me
always where I ought go.
always where I ought next step ,
nothing big enough to run from
big enough to fall to
with them behind me.

columns standing my heart up like a fold up tent,
the only tangible connection to
goodness,
to godliness,
to hope in my chest
to love
they were all the loveliness
I have ever possessed.

without them, I fear
simply the ever growing darkness,
the expanse in my chest,
this lost alone feeling,
of not knowing
where I ought step.

I only fear I will forget,
that the things I held so tight to  
can actually exist.

I am not but a ship awaiting the wreck
my lighthouses
all
extinguished

If I let you run along me, like two raindrops
Crossing paths on the condensation
On the icy pains,
Would you drop to earth
Like march rains
Would I only want for sunlight
To dry you
From my face.
Would you grow inside me
And fill this empty space
Or would we simply become one?
Or in the act of our colliding would I
Just come undone?

Tell her I miss the mother that stole me from school
So we could get surprise Ice cream cones
Just me and her.
And tell her I miss her

Tell her I miss the mother that said my name just as much as my sisters
And asked about my day at school
And if I had anything to tell her,
And always claim to be the proudest mother.
Tell her I miss her

Tell her I remember exactly when she stopped being super man
Tell her I got older and I understand mistakes
Tell her I can forgive more than most can
But I’ll never understand
Why she gave up on me.
Why she loves me less,
Why she doesn’t care
About these holes in my chest.
But tell her that I miss her.

Tell her I remember when space was not an option
When she would tell me I could do whatever I wanted and she
Would be there.
That no one loved me as much no one cared like she cared.
And tell her that I miss her.

shame is the great silencer,
you took the words right out of my mouth,
for years
you left me avoiding my own thoughts
chasing circles after myself
you told me
in a million ways

That no one would ever love me,

that being around me was a chore
I should not have bothered you with.

now from a safe distance
looking back looks like ink on paper
a pen is my looking glass
the only thing to turn old scars into
something with more direction
the raised texture on my broken heart and porcelain skin
a map I can't lose
showing where I'm going, where I've been.
reminding me what you put me through,

That i'm not worthless
because you want me less
you don't dictate
how I love myself
you cannot scream a smile off my face
even when I don't know how to respond
to sharp phrases

If I'm leaving
you cannot tell me i'm a disappointment
from such a distance
although your persistence is astounding
and your anger awesome
My endurance is an equal to my ability
to walk away
and  sometimes you
don't have to say a single word
to make a statement.
I never had to cut you
I just let your words cut our ties
and distance
lend me perspective


And just because I do not yell doesn't mean
That I am quiet.
I' am not ashamed anymore
And you can not keep me silent

Nothing matters,
I’ve seen you,
All the movement and stillness,
All the serenity and forgiveness,
All your health mixed in with the weakness
In your walls. I know
The texture of half the scars
On your tender heart.
You can have whatever you like,
You deserve so much more,
Than I could offer,
You are so much stronger,
Than I can explain,
You can take up space in my heart
If you wish,
Fill this distance with want of a kiss,
You can have my hesitation,
My trust.
You can have my aspirations and my lusts.
You can do with them whatever you like,
Please, though, please don’t cry.
Never cry.

You fell in love with an artist
a poet,
you fell in love with this emotive , overwhelmed
lover
idling and obsessing over acceptance,

you fell in love with a fighter , a philosopher, a day dreamer
a worrier
a warrior
always pressed hard against her fears
and picking at them,

you fell in love with a creator,
a sculptor who touched you
like she wanted to make you into forever,

you fell in love with the clutter queen,
collecting things that made her feel like a smile,
and losing them just as quickly
she only has time and space
to love what matters
you fell in love with a universe.

you fell in love with a matrix of scars tracing back over her top lip to lower back to finger tips,
all the way across a childhood, adolescence ,
abandonment and broken glass,broken marriage, broken hands
traced along a tragic, beautiful, powerful existence.

you fell in love with courage, with raw honesty and grace. You fell in love with wide
open eyes, and hungry ears.
a great and terrible curiosity.

you fell in love with the mediator, the meditating the engaging tuned in
empathy reader.
sweet man
we fell in love with so many things
when we fell in love
with me.
I see you
seeing me
and it helps me see myself.


I love you
I love me.

Little idiosyncrasies that define you
More than the edge created by the light
Refracting off your dark skin
The give of your full lips against
My porcelain surface set
To tingle at your sultry glances,
The kind you give before pouncing
The stance you take and that
Tiny noise you make when
My rhythms right
Or I've managed to catch your attention
And lure you in'
A million different things
Wrapped around me perfectly wonderful
Absolutely astounding
Like racing heartbeats and your arms around me.
The kinds of memories I’m glad are ours
With all the you things that make me
Glad that I’m yours.

I have people who understand me.
sometimes,
I have red sunlight bringing me up and breaking through clouds
some days,
I have my own sun rays to chase
and i'm proud in most ways
of who I have become
and I've done things,
I've said things that could have left unsung
un-flung clean from dirt and
Dry hung instead of smeared in raw pain hurt,
With my tear soaked words.
Sometimes familiar voices soft as angle feathers seek me out.
But sometimes ...
well sometimes is not as good as right now,
when right now all that I am.....
is alone.

The ground shakes when my chest aches like I swallowed something cold.
And my toes curl and the room swirls I falling to my knees,
I have to stop  remind myself how important it is to breath,
I keep my eyes wide and steps wider and hope I’ll get to see
And the trees say to hold still,
when I’m running way to fast but the past
Chases and my knees shake because thoughts of you are fast.
The first thing and the middle thing are all to avoid the last,
The last thing is the same thing is facing my recent past.
Its hearing your voice echo
through the caverns of my mind,
Telling me you’re leaving me
And that I wasn’t worth the time.
And the ground shakes when my chest aches like I’ve swallowed something cold,
And my mind thinks my hearts torn and it must be gushing blood,
The wound reopened thoughts spinning right against the surface,
I start to questioning everything, myself, my life my purpose.
But then the ground shakes when my chest aches like I swallowed something cold,
And I realize through my cold sweat that this will too grow old,
And each time the ground shakes I’ll be closer to the ground,
And I’ll outrun our memories,
Your sent your smile your sound.

I want to stay here forever
Lost in the comfort of your embrace
Face to face with something settled
And exposed,
Like the raw rock face of the Grand Canyon
I could wait an eon and never feel
This way again,
My thoughts tracing
Your dark skin,
Chin and cheek pressed
Against the rise and fall of your chest
Some strange new comfort
Found in your gentleness,
In our silence
I feel like I have encountered an old friend
Who has been gone so long
I’m unsure of how to begin.

I couldn’t tell you for sure if I’m realistic
I want to believe in you.
When life spans over a vast canvas
And my life’s encountered so many marks
And sparks and dings and things
its fallen, am I falling?
I'm calling
Hold me
I am aware I will never be prepared.
Hold me like you could know me,
Before and after whatever event
We are looking through
And let me feel you.
Tonight I feel alone
I feel hallow, I feel ashamed
I feel borrowed
I only want to talk and linger
I’m a night stalker and a day dreamer
With no time in-between for sleep
Crawl beneath my sheets and hold me.

I remember now how simply easy it is to fall
From a person from yourself
How hard it is to fall
From the top shelf
How lonely you find existence when persistence fails and
Falls to the chaos of inconsistency
Like shark to a baby seal
He called me baby a million times
Pushed passed my skin and made me feel
He told me maybe I was right
And that lies are candy
A man to handy with empty syllables
Thrifty and crafty tricky and snappy
With the perfect words
To make you transcends into a dream
I loved him and all his potential
How devastating to find myself wading through
All those I love you’s and
My day dreams all concave and
Receding, all the empty places where he left me needing
Something substantial
Realizing he was just a nightmare
With a pleasant beginning.
No man just monster screaming
On fire with heart torn and beating.
The best thing you ever did for me
Was say that you were leaving.

I wish I could fall open
Like the petals of a rose
And rise up and gush
like a finger pricked
like crimson blood,
You told me with your patience
That I was pretty and we would
Never hate them.
I lied when I told you
I was angry.
I am terrified to be so filled with sorrow
To be drowning day in and out
To fill tomorrow with remembering
With forgetting,
Without mentioning that I love you
And you are gone
And all that’s left are butterflies
And a bunch of songs with fresh meaning
A million tears and
a sense of defeat, raining
Like a giant typhoon
Of not knowing what the **** to do
Without you.

Your smile is so warm and
Your hand feels so familiar in mine
I find I’m perpetually falling
When graced with your presence
I can never be safe when I want this
When I want things that don’t exist.
I feel so sorry
I can’t pretend like you do
I wish it was real
But the impact and inevitable devastation
Is not worth your immediate satisfaction,
My hesitation is my claim to my best decision
No sudden impulse has ruined me
I remain like always
As true to myself as I know how.
I will love me as much as you always should have
And your laugh makes me soft
And your memories bring me back to who I was
Before I broke,
But some words can’t be unspoken
And I don’t want to know how long
It takes, how hard you’ll fake before
We crumble
And I am only ashes.
I’m sorry
I’m so sorry
Your pain haunts me,
But that is not enough.
I’m afraid you will think in all the wrong ways
And never know the greatest gift I ever gave
Is that I don’t love like you do.
And when things change
They never fit quite the same.

I have lived my life a perfect rendition
of toddlers  circling scrawl
always looping back
always colored an emotion
that was
to absolute to be appropriate

just a little to honest
and real
circling

I remember plain as day the sun of your smile
and I replay the color of your changing behind my eyes every night
I have traced over and over the feel
of your running away
of your hiding away
of your lines and color
the exact lay
of the paradigm shift
leaving lots of blank space
for the parts of you I don't know now.

Your sunshine smile died
or got lost in the shift, or in the space
and I miss for things you aren't now.
I miss a person who no longer exists.

I honer her
the little girl you laid to rest
with your decisions
buried under the weight of a whole life.
when you were just colors you bled
over the entire page

perhaps that is why it feels
like you started over.

Tan and soft as cotton ;tracing
Along my chin; lingering against my lip.
Your gentle caress along my edges
Over each curve every dip .
Singing to every nerve in my delicate pale skin,
Crescendos into sweetest sin.
Smooth eager lips strip away
Distractions, firm against hesitations,
Your mouth is the greatest temptation
I will ever face.
Your face the largest gratification.
Your body the basis for the greatest satisfaction
I will ever taste.
Your energy surges in right rhythm
In right place.
Your raw determination to take me up
To draw me out
And make me…
Come undone at your will,
Implode and spill
all my influences
Across your sun kissed skin,
Tumbling in ,
To open arms,
You pull me in.
I love the way we fit.
I love the way you want to try again.

Sit still life moves swiftly
And while its shifting remember
You stumble when your sprinting to fast
Into dark past or free floating with eyes
Looking back.
Brush the dirt off
After you held your ground
And remember
You swim to well you won’t actually drown.
Screaming save me is only
An utterance of despair,
Particularly if you know
Your wasting air the on people
you know are not there.
I can’t even save myself
I’m barren I’m broken
I’ve let go,
I’m breaking ground
I’m buried
I’ve died inside
You have to breath to drown.
I feel crazy
Crazy crazy
Indeed the words lost meaning as surly as
I have lost my feeling.

Feeling dizzy like
I may have took to many shots and thinking
My ideas are better sober
Better when my head is clear and I know
What I shouldn’t say
But I never really know so
Maybe the truth should have its day
Im feeling dizzy and
I’m  praying to a god who doesn’t listen
Who may not even exist
That you might just miss me,
That when I am most afraid all I want's
For you to kiss me.

You saw me in yourself.
Only the part you can't command cant quite understand,
the squirmy bit you never quiet .... pinned.
so
just tell me i'm worthless
so you can deny the empty space in your chest,
where missing me used to reside.
You think i'm to ashamed to say a thing,
but i think you really know
im just afraid to be your echo
be your echo
be your echo.
You grow louder,
you step closer while i blink against your breath.
Tears fall
letting all the words you quip whip against me,
slip under my skin and send
my head swimming ,
giving away every feeling..
I always give away what i'm feeling
letting you know every nerve you hit
while tint bits
of your spittle spray across my face.
I force my feelings burning at you toward myself,
let my gaze drift to dust moats distressed
by your immense bellows,
occupying the distance between our being
while suddenly  seeming
as fragile as me .
each syllable in your enunciation
violently shaking,
the tiny particles making
the atoms in my being
vibrate.In time with your percussion
aimed at conquering my space
dominating the way i think
my name.
never hesitation toward making your exterior imply im inferior.

you fight in sharp words.
believe me when I say I have always heard you

-----------silence-----------------
my silence always fallows the words you hurl around like blunt objects.
Does my silence startle you?
Is my vulnerability upsetting ?
or is it the vast distance i place between us to protect my well being?
You always told me by action intimidation is how you conquer space to grow,
while everyone else would have me know
its my obligation to shrink out of existence.
so i let my persistence gather just beneath my surface
so i will remember i'm not worth more
and sure as hell not worth-less
I will expend every breath i take
on taking as much space as person of my mass requires,
remembering to allot room for my beautiful mind,
all the bit of me you encouraged I leave behind,
consider the gravitational force of like energy.
listen to me,
..................................................
why is it you are afraid of my lack of statement?
especially when i refuse to aim it..
like a weapon.
...
just listen..
to the silence...
because it can provide so much more than i can string into statements,
it will give you answers when you let it.
self reflection frees me,
maybe that's why i'm not scared so easily
over silly phrases like "i'm sorry."
and all i keep on thinking is
you have to answer to yourself
someday when theirs no one else to listen....
i can't demand a thing from you when
you still cling to static thinking if you
keep your heart racing
words following
you wont get trapped thinking over the words you were just throwing
knowing you set out to hurt me,
to hurt my feelings
to afraid of yourself to manage
your own silence,
so you just keep screaming.
while i don't say a word,
just keep thinking
i wish you would do the same.
Because i tried
to tell you everything .
and now all i have to give you .....
is silence....
and you still don't hear..
anything.