The skin wrapped so elegantly across these bones of mine
acts as a barrier
separating me from everything else,
as long as I keep my lips pressed firmly to each other
I can manage to prevent
spilling my guts
that's best for every one I think.
No matter how I yearn for the relief of pressure
when my heart tries to escape my chest
at best
and at least relive the flood of my thoughts.

I ought know
wearing this suit of skin isn't enough
glacial blue eyes are an open well
speaking of sorrow to anyone with
a decent pair of eyes to tell.
even my perfectly placed smiles
pale under that shadow.
the utter vastness of the loss I feel
reminds me how large I am
regardless of my frequency of meals.
the expanse in my chest is so immense
it seems I am tearing at every seam.
most every thing I have held dear,
slipping through the fraying tear.

voices from limited perspectives telling me how I ought to feel.
quivering with anticipation to mention
my over reaction to small things,
at small hills appearing in my waking dreams
as vast mountain ranges,
imagining tragedy in the  frame of my yesterdays
and through the lenses of life's strangeness;
preparing to head out with the Donner party
while you take stroll up a grassy knoll basket in hand,
while i'm measuring out my morality as meticulously as grains of sand,
and you
never once wondering the weight of all the other burdens I am carrying
and have carried try to tell me, i'm insane
for preparing for rain in dry summer heat.
with no one to share my pain.
I assure you i'm not insane
I just go through my life living as me.

but you have not lived the life I have lead
and dare not to spread the weight.
at worst,
I like to think of myself
As husk of skin wrapped around a strength unhindered by my physical size
existing out of the vastness within my emptying heart.
I will be alone to rejoice at my discovery.
there are a small number of things that can not be taken away
and it is those things I have discovered,
no weight can crush me.
I have carried the world on my frailest shoulder
I have been trapped and many have unloved me
but my chest still rises
in lows and highs
and no one has ever taken the endless opportunities
that dwell  deep within the days I have never seen,
but they come, and are always coming
they are the possibilities of things I have never even considered.
And while most days I feel I have not but withered and fallen farther from things
another piece of me fly's and rings.
godless or not I have found my faith.
welling up inside me trying slowly to fill this space.
to fill me with humanity.
I Have faith that things change, are always changing.
These feelings and this space will inevitably cease to exist as surly
as the way I miss the presence of my loved ones on this turning ball in space
my love will outlive that pain
and like so many other things
being lonely is a temporary state.
that is the strength within me.
life tested for durability
I will endure. I endure everything.

I realized today pulling together damp ashes in fistfuls
While attempting to make something destroyed beautiful again
That your the same wicked little kid
Who destroyed every one of my sand castles .
I have wept 1,825  days for you.
My patience and efforts never crystallizing into anything more than dried scabs, nothing like the diamond I was always promised  .
Sometimes I miss the sparkle shimmering in the ocean of your eyes.
I have missed them 43800 hours In approximation ... If numbers could even begin to encompass the depths of the hurt you have afflicted me with.. If numbers could even kiss the surface of this ever expanding sense of abandonment and worthlessness you have inspired within the shallow place within my chest . 2628000 Moments I have repressed a little voice inside my head that spoke in your hushed tones in the only voice I have ever known better then my own, dear sister.  Now I just need your voice to stop echoing like shattered glass in every heartbeat; I just need to retreat and muster the will to retrieve the blade you left lodged between my vertebra so I can finally stand up straight and walk , swiftly in whichever way provides me distance from you. I only pray the blade sustains it's edge to sever this emotional dissonance. I have done the math 10,000 times there  are no reasons left to keep trying. There are no variables that provide a desirable outcome there is no way to even this score.

thanksgiving,
yellow lemon squares, turkey,
hustle hustle laughing,
bickering,
small blond children
tall dark haired , mild mannered
gathering courage to ask
asking questions
hike , climb, sprint tag,
food,
eating quickly,
murmurs around potato salad,
leaves,
leaves falling,
mothers calling
building castles in leaves and trees behind things
in the back yard
smiling
finally we are all together.

cancer took her.
crying crying and the rain wont stop beating against this old roof.
close walls sullen faces
mild mannered children working in a quiet desperation
to recreate yellow leaves falling
and lemon squares.
standing close
together,
to close
to close
trying to **** the distance between
us
castles crumble
its not our back yard anymore.
one of our mothers makes pecan squares
we cling to new traditions
because lemons do not taste the same,
disenchantment falls into a desperate
sadness  that always  fallows
death
and being homesick
for places that no longer exist for us , tomorrow


Indifference took her,
maybe if i had stayed a little longer,
she would be here same as ever,
clever bright witted
the staple holding together family fibers
distance ,
quite
losing site
literally loosing her site and
missing me
missing her
and them and mild mannered children
trying desperately to recreate yellow fallen leaves,
and banter,
to hear grandchildren squabbling
it was me, i left her castles crumbling
she was only missing places she thought no longer existed for her
shes gone now.
my castles crumbling
like the dry fall leaves
and i'm dreading things
and the lack of things like
thanksgiving
and lemon squares.

You saw me in yourself.
Only the part you can't command cant quite understand,
the squirmy bit you never quiet .... pinned.
so
just tell me i'm worthless
so you can deny the empty space in your chest,
where missing me used to reside.
You think i'm to ashamed to say a thing,
but i think you really know
im just afraid to be your echo
be your echo
be your echo.
You grow louder,
you step closer while i blink against your breath.
Tears fall
letting all the words you quip whip against me,
slip under my skin and send
my head swimming ,
giving away every feeling..
I always give away what i'm feeling
letting you know every nerve you hit
while tint bits
of your spittle spray across my face.
I force my feelings burning at you toward myself,
let my gaze drift to dust moats distressed
by your immense bellows,
occupying the distance between our being
while suddenly  seeming
as fragile as me .
each syllable in your enunciation
violently shaking,
the tiny particles making
the atoms in my being
vibrate.In time with your percussion
aimed at conquering my space
dominating the way i think
my name.
never hesitation toward making your exterior imply im inferior.

you fight in sharp words.
believe me when I say I have always heard you

-----------silence-----------------
my silence always fallows the words you hurl around like blunt objects.
Does my silence startle you?
Is my vulnerability upsetting ?
or is it the vast distance i place between us to protect my well being?
You always told me by action intimidation is how you conquer space to grow,
while everyone else would have me know
its my obligation to shrink out of existence.
so i let my persistence gather just beneath my surface
so i will remember i'm not worth more
and sure as hell not worth-less
I will expend every breath i take
on taking as much space as person of my mass requires,
remembering to allot room for my beautiful mind,
all the bit of me you encouraged I leave behind,
consider the gravitational force of like energy.
listen to me,
..................................................
why is it you are afraid of my lack of statement?
especially when i refuse to aim it..
like a weapon.
...
just listen..
to the silence...
because it can provide so much more than i can string into statements,
it will give you answers when you let it.
self reflection frees me,
maybe that's why i'm not scared so easily
over silly phrases like "i'm sorry."
and all i keep on thinking is
you have to answer to yourself
someday when theirs no one else to listen....
i can't demand a thing from you when
you still cling to static thinking if you
keep your heart racing
words following
you wont get trapped thinking over the words you were just throwing
knowing you set out to hurt me,
to hurt my feelings
to afraid of yourself to manage
your own silence,
so you just keep screaming.
while i don't say a word,
just keep thinking
i wish you would do the same.
Because i tried
to tell you everything .
and now all i have to give you .....
is silence....
and you still don't hear..
anything.

shame is the great silencer,
you took the words right out of my mouth,
for years
you left me avoiding my own thoughts
chasing circles after myself
you told me
in a million ways

That no one would ever love me,

that being around me was a chore
I should not have bothered you with.

now from a safe distance
looking back looks like ink on paper
a pen is my looking glass
the only thing to turn old scars into
something with more direction
the raised texture on my broken heart and porcelain skin
a map I can't lose
showing where I'm going, where I've been.
reminding me what you put me through,

That i'm not worthless
because you want me less
you don't dictate
how I love myself
you cannot scream a smile off my face
even when I don't know how to respond
to sharp phrases

If I'm leaving
you cannot tell me i'm a disappointment
from such a distance
although your persistence is astounding
and your anger awesome
My endurance is an equal to my ability
to walk away
and  sometimes you
don't have to say a single word
to make a statement.
I never had to cut you
I just let your words cut our ties
and distance
lend me perspective


And just because I do not yell doesn't mean
That I am quiet.
I' am not ashamed anymore
And you can not keep me silent

why dose it always feel like swimming upstream with you,
always screaming
always pain
always fighting

Every moment a monumental struggle.
I never new such a current could exist
in places so shallow.
I used to imagine you as an entire ocean,
a force to be reckoned with.
now when I think of you
I remember feeling so hallow
I imagine stale mud water
warmed in august summer heat.

mothers are sappossed to love daughters
Thats what everyone seems to think.

not stay up late thinking of new creative ways
to make her fall to her knees
and weep.

I have to keep reminding myself
to stay concerned with more important things
I have to never allow myself to concentrate on the sting
words you selected to cut to deep

I have to force your rejection from my thoughts
before they fester, I can't think lesser of myself,
I can't dwell on what you think of me.
this infection
can't be cleansed by the likes of you
for now the salt in my tears will have to do.

I don't know how to bother with this anymore,
I wont bother you,
I only wish i knew how to not be my mothers daughter.
I only wish I could undo every night of missing you.
I only wish I was strong enough
to love myself so even you
couldn't leave me this hallow
make me feel so shallow.
I will never act
I will not fallow
people will never think
I'm my mothers daughter.

I miss you like my bare feet miss
the crunch of fall leaves,
river banks and loose driveway gravel.
I feel like under the weight of your memories
I will come unraveled.
I poses no want for travel
without you to come home to,
home is an empty destination
that place is just your dimming shadow.
Help me,
I see the absence of you everywhere
A shallow echo of the space behind my chest.
There is no rest for the mourning,
and still morning comes to slow.
I just replay old memories like playing in the snow.
Only you know how many mittens never made it home.
Even still you were glad to give them,
and the shoes off your feet,
if it meant you could keep,
a smile on my face.
It is harder every day to think...
You are gone.
Every day feels like more space
between when I was ok
and now.
I fear how hallow tomorrow may be.
there is no light at the end of this tunnel,
I will have to learn to live in the dark,
And remain grateful for
every mark you made
across my heart.