Tell her I miss the mother that stole me from school
So we could get surprise Ice cream cones
Just me and her.
And tell her I miss her

Tell her I miss the mother that said my name just as much as my sisters
And asked about my day at school
And if I had anything to tell her,
And always claim to be the proudest mother.
Tell her I miss her

Tell her I remember exactly when she stopped being super man
Tell her I got older and I understand mistakes
Tell her I can forgive more than most can
But I’ll never understand
Why she gave up on me.
Why she loves me less,
Why she doesn’t care
About these holes in my chest.
But tell her that I miss her.

Tell her I remember when space was not an option
When she would tell me I could do whatever I wanted and she
Would be there.
That no one loved me as much no one cared like she cared.
And tell her that I miss her.

The last four years .
They carved open my chest
There momentum creating a great expanse
Where I use to find
Myself.
I lost her.
they
left me to
Delve deeper into every
Miniscule bit of my identity,
Alone ,
My nature
Rest somewhere
Between my two fists
And genetics
Heretics , hypocrites, and empty space.
The last four years
Changed my concept of the word
Mother,
Of the word daughter,
Of Twin and Sister,
Of love and
Grand mother
Changed bridges from a way to affection
To the source of affliction
I woke to find
Connection had turned to
Weakness in my defenses
  In the last four years.
I discovered
Loneliness to degrees I had never imagined
Anxiety  heartache
confusion  at there  fullest capacity
I have never so genuinely questioned my sanity
Or had so many people telling me I was worthless
But I discovered the depths of my tenacity and
That sometimes anger is a necessity  
To process loss.
That  sometimes
You need a sharper edge to cut
At deeper ties…

In the last four years I learned
That under certain circumstances you
Need to cry.
That all things become clearer with time
and even when your
Faith to pray dies
You can have faith in the wait
Knowing everything
Will change.

In the last four years I learned
What it’s worth to be happy with your self
I discovered
That the only thing they can’t take
Is how you respond
And being trapped is an illusion
Created out of the sacrifices
you weren’t quite ready to make.
That taking the time you need only means
you love yourself enough to care
More than they did.
And  that even when you can’t pretend
they didn’t say the things they said,
Even when you can’t comprehend
The origin of such sharp words
You can work towards
Proving them wrong,
By getting up and moving on.
Welcoming genuine affections
As a cure for the infection you
Get in open wounds
You can affirm what you already
Knew
all along
And
After four years
You can look in the mirror
And know you are strong
Resilient, a thousand times patent
A hundred times brilliant.
And a million times brave..
And you can tack that up
On the list of things
They Can
Never
take
away

Tan and soft as cotton ;tracing
Along my chin; lingering against my lip.
Your gentle caress along my edges
Over each curve every dip .
Singing to every nerve in my delicate pale skin,
Crescendos into sweetest sin.
Smooth eager lips strip away
Distractions, firm against hesitations,
Your mouth is the greatest temptation
I will ever face.
Your face the largest gratification.
Your body the basis for the greatest satisfaction
I will ever taste.
Your energy surges in right rhythm
In right place.
Your raw determination to take me up
To draw me out
And make me…
Come undone at your will,
Implode and spill
all my influences
Across your sun kissed skin,
Tumbling in ,
To open arms,
You pull me in.
I love the way we fit.
I love the way you want to try again.

I love you,
Like I love the burnt orange on the farthest extremities
Of leaves that fell from the walnut tree
Growing from my memories;
Damp in autumns comforting atmosphere.
The bliss that I experience,
Relearning laughter exploding
from this epicenter
In my chest.
I render every bit of my ability to adore you
From fragments of the things that shined and shone before
I could have said I know you.
You feel like warm sand under my feet,
Like my fathers hand and
Like the best ******* poetry
Slipping out from under my teeth.
Feeling
Like a gust of wind in the pouring rain
Sounding in the soft tones only loved ones have murmured my name
Take it for what its worth, that I have loved before
But not one have I loved more
I admit I love you with every bit that I have
I love you as every soft memory I have ever had.
You are a declaration of self-worth
Spoken to a depreciating world full of angry men and sad girls.
You are the sway in my stride that speaks to self-confidence,
you match every smile I have
With a reason for another,
Every tear I shed fallowed in acknowledging
That” at least we have each other”
So know I love you like the feel of sunlight on my pale skin,
Like moon light shimmering atop dark water,
Like my baby sister’s sprinkling of butterfly kisses
Persistence in the relentless reminders of her admiration,
In every instance of its existing in my memory ,
Lurking within my experience I love you.

I feel guilty in hot spikes
Like I might be doing something I ought not want to
Or that by focusing on me you may feel I forgot you
That by allowing you to play in the back ground of my active brain
For day
After day
After day
I am not fixating on the way you say my name
Or remembering all the times you came
To save the day, I am not reaching out to touch you
In a physical way
And I don’t let myself feel sad with no distractions
I just fade and detach  when guilt feels like
Fractures.
Then I got to thinking
About myself and what I want and
I thought maybe we are perfect,
Perfectly in step with who we ought to be,
i,m moving,
And with you gone in all this change I felt
I was leaving
But i,m dreaming
Of standing on my own two legs
and of all the sweet things you always say
about my heart and my head and
that I accomplish great things,
you would be proud of me.
I’m just making my own place
My own bit of sunshine, my own oasis
So I can pull you in
And face it
All the bright light all my mistakes
Our first date and late nights,
Holding your hand and chasing loose dreams
Like pretty butterfly wings.
Like you run when we race
For the last of the swings,
I love you, and suddenly it seems like
Moving toward you and moving toward me
Are actually quite possibly the very same things.

Deep blue eyes ringed with a frost
Mirroring the ache in your chest
Similar to the pain
You experience with both fists
Crammed into snow drifts.
He Blinks,
eyes
Shift .
They lift to meet mine, fleeting
Shift, shifting,
My heart beating
Leaving me feeling like
Maybe I have
your eyes for a reason,

hesitating considering Begging,
trapped in circular thinking
Always coming back ,Just mean it.
Like a whispered prayer “just mean it”
Like a hungry desperation “ just mean it”
Like a shameful confession “ just mean it”
Like an explosive accusation “ JUST MEAN IT”
Screams echoing in my head
Don’t leave me

Trapping feelings like thunderstorms
Beneath my skin speckled
In the yellow tint, purple blue bits
Of faded bruises
Reflecting the greatest testament
To your affection you ever gave,
The greatest gift I ever received.
To be loved you will be tough
You will never be saved
You will never be safe
I will shift, I will be shifting
I will be changing my mind as I speak
And then I will be leaving.
He is filling me with all these anxious feelings.

Leaving me fidgeting and
Blinking
My eyes shift
Shifting
Thinking I ought to blink
Faster , straining
To feign indifference
Knowing tears make his pace quick.
I get sick

Looking at reflective surfaces
Deep blue eyes ringed with a frost
Mirrors depict the ache in my chest
Similar to the pain
You experience with both fists
Crammed into snow drifts.
Blink, Shift .
They lift to meet mine, fleeting
Shift, shifting,
My heart beating
Leaving me feeling like
Maybe I have
your eyes for a reason.

I remember being proud of every granule of dirt
Raw beaten earth,
I built my temple out of.
Every water molecule in my crimson blood
Carefully selected to carry an essence
That I protected,
with the support of glass bones
Wrapped in healing wounds,
Putting everything I have into
Forgetting how to flinch
Regardless of the brutality life
Tries to dress me in,
Or smother me with .
Work through psychological damages
Practice away my
st stu stutter,
putting away broken syllables un uttered.
I will rise, you can not keep me tonight
I hunger
to fight,
Walk right up to the dark like
I never new the way it turns you into nothing
If you think im crazy,
Maybe your right
but im reminding you of something,
something that you tell yourself can't exist
something you let go of , something that you miss.
A sort of  irrationality that's still making perfect sense,
plays in your morality defies your common sense.
This is the only chance I have at persisting to laugh
And
I
Will
persist.
The only  way for me to stay bright
The only way to keep light in my
dimming eyes
Is to shine and let them see .
Something about existing, and persisting
In vulnerability is more than frightening
It is freeing.
I AM, as surly as
I am being,
I’m lifted, I’ve missed this.
I hope you catch the meaning
The thought of missing it
Leaves me feeling guilty
Like my will was straying,
praying to nothing
For things I had but wasn’t seeing.
I forgot to believe
That I was impossible
and that i'm breathing.