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 Mar 2014 Ben Holders
Jess Ram
I used to tell myself that I would always love you,
that for the rest of my life part of my soul would always care
but I'm here now and seeing clearer and realizing that if nothing else
you ruined me, ripped me limb from limb and left me bleeding in the streets
and that even in my broken state, even being as empty as I am right now
I have enough self love to accept that whatever we had wasn't love
and that the truth probably is that I was delusional and lost,
I let you hypnotize me, and even when I realized it
I let you walk free,
I let you hurt me.
 Jul 2013 Ben Holders
Traveler
Counterproductive to hold to the truth
I’m no saner today than I was in my youth
Was it a tragic display that I somehow suppressed
A malfunctioning brain that caved under stress
When things get too quiet the siren I hear
Drowns out the sounds that aren't really there...

I often laugh when life deals me pain
In times like these I sense I’m deranged
But it might be the mechanism that allows me to cope
When the champion of mayhem has me pinned to the ropes
And the drunkenness of the driver, my pilot within
Can't seem to escape the stench of my sins...

The bludgeoned end of reason is hot on my case
Threatening to smash me back into place
It’s these catch-22s that torture my mind
I keep growing older suspended in time
Still my biggest fear is my hindsight going dim
And coming around to trust this world once again...
I kid you, or do I?
Traveler Tim
re to 03-17
Growth is prevalent in your features.
I can physically see your soul expand,
I can physically see your heart has been fertilized with wisdom.
Wisdom and hurt.
Wisdom and pain.
Pain and love.
They are one in the same.
I am the one to blame.

I can see my strength evolving inside you.
I'm watching my evolution.
I'm seeing all my revelations.
I'm witnessing a dance,
A tango of confusion,
A salsa of reflection.
I've subconsciously been your instructor.

Please remember I'm on your side.
I've dragged you through my pain
And you've grown into my foot steps.
I'm proud.
Please remember.
My wife, a psychiatrist, sleeps
through my reading and writing in bed,
the half-whispered lines,
manuscripts piled between us,

but in the deep part of night
when her beeper sounds
she bolts awake to return the page
of a patient afraid he'll **** himself.

She sits in her robe in the kitchen,
listening to the anguished voice
on the phone. She becomes
the vessel that contains his fear,

someone he can trust to tell
things I would tell to a poem.
 Apr 2013 Ben Holders
daffody
staring with my eyes into the white,
as colorless as it can be.
surrounded by my thoughts - as blank as what i can see.
My walls be made of books
  The bed wrapped in folds
             All I need
Is the silence of the void
   And a dim white light
Telling me
                read more, more, more
http://bahamutxs.blogspot.com/2010/05/locus-amoenus.html
Some people never return
their parents’ haggard and beaten
voicemails – it’s been months – while
some drive drunk (and brag.) Some
forfeit to lust and sleep with a friend’s girlfriend
while some swerve toward the oblivious possum.
 
I do none of these things – well, maybe
one – but we all have ***** laundry.
Those little specters of intention
and actions not taken that eat at us
– some of us – like a consuming flame
blinding to its unfortunate kindling
while invisible to others.
 
And yet we worry.
 
That on judgment day he won’t
skim over the ****-stained briefs
that our secrets are scribbled on
our foreheads, or that other people
are actually people with lives
complex as ours and it’s wrong
******* them over like that.

— The End —