self realization struck painful and fair
i was wasting my life going nowhere
and with the fresh pain clarity came
to better myself i'll never be the same

cherry sweet smoke
drifting slow circles
barely masks the scent of... burned coffee? or is it mold?
it really brings out  the apathetic atmosphere
of this windowless waiting room.
dimly lit and dingy
a single bare bulb clinging to life
...and failing -
f l i c k e r s   w i t h   t h e   r a p i d   p u l s e   o f   a   h e a r t   g i v i n g   o u t.
while peeling Mint Green paint adds a sense of despair
("it smells definitely like **** in here")
the grout needs a good scrub to remove the flaking brown stains
reminiscent of dried blood and chew spit
This. is. where. My dreams languish
                                       with  bloodshot eyes
                                       with cramped backs
                                       awkward and uncomfortable
queued up to to die in some forgotten room
located down that rather unpleasant looking hallway                                                          ­           
filed away for a rainy day that will never come  ~                     
                          one dead dream is a tragedy
                          a thousand dead dreams are just statistic

i would scream for you
if only i thought anyone
would hear my anguished
cries, carried on a cold
northern wind, almost as
unfeeling as your heart
almost as distant as the
stars that sit on their
flaming thrones in the
vast empty expanse of space
only to look down and judge
me, mock me, with their
beauty, so reminiscent of
the very same that you posses

i hold my breath in this
raging, storming sea
that has flooded my mind
waiting to hear from you once more
a life line to a drowning man
unlikely as the ability to
breathe water as if it were air

celestial eyes gaze
fight against
city lights
Mars is bright

I wish to gaze upon the unbound moon
floating freely above the night sky
from the secret spot inside my room
with wonder filled unblinking eyes

to whisper with the rustling leaves
and learn secrets of the forest old
caressed by the cool north breeze
enchanted by the stories told

I want to love with all my heart
the beauty found in nature's way
live every way to do my part
and treasure every sacred day

the casket was open for the duration
of the service
a black hole beckoning, a step through the door
the great unknown
a muffled cough, a sigh, unease hung in the
air, a cloying fog
i sat near the back, observant of the dry eyes
the looks of disgust
the gathering - most here out of a sense of requirement
than true feeling
the few who knew, eclipsed by the underwhelming
apathy
even less approached the pristine coffin for
a final goodbye
those with a thirst for the morbid (likely)
heartfelt (doubtful)
"daddy always said - be committed in what
you do"
words taken to heart - evident in the cracked void
left by the .44 exit
disinterested in the false emotions of the living
i leave - unnoticed
a ghost at my own funeral

am i who i ever want to be
or will i ever seek the meaning
to these life questions
my favorite breakfast food
the color of the shirt i wear today
music
tattoos
love
life
death
***
taxes
and the rest
blend together in a tempest
of thoughts that flash before my eyes
who am i who am i who am i
and if i knew the terrible truth
could i look myself in the soul
or would i just lie
the most futile pursuit of this world
is not freedom happiness love
but knowing oneself inside and out
we all lie
to save face with ourselves

apathetic heartbeat take a hold of my senses and sink me into a state of being uncomfortably numb on the eve of a night soon forgotten
with a pretentious comment and a pretty air of arrogance girlie girl the world is going to take you down a step or three
romantic notions are dead darling but its your skin not mine, I learned that lesson one too many years ago
and have never felt more lost
but take your attitude to the grave for all I cared, you'll know you're there by the trail of dead know-it-all dreamers that life will never spare
I've learned my lesson
and I can't seem to care
if you choke on yours

love
comes and goes
like
ocean tides
footprints
wiped clean

fine line balancing act
a liquor jar tight
rope around my neck
i see clearly
i see double and
i choose to grasp at
the reflection in the glass

Pariah

Nihilism at its finest

Bleed black the finest shattered diamonds

Of all the lost hopes and dreams

Outcast Society burning in the ruins of fallen Rome

Cynical skeptics, sarcasm dripping venom

Acid burns through flesh blood and bones

No one gives a ****, scream for a savior

Outcast Society burning in the ruins of fallen Rome

Shards of glass smile razorblades

Plague of loneliness grips your throat

Heart beats darkness through your veins

**** society, anarchy reigns 

Outcast Society burning in the ruins of fallen Rome

Shadow world of gray and stones and broken homes

Bleeding hearts and gutted homes

A black void in collapsing homes

Outcast Society burning in the ruins of fallen Rome

Cesspool of sick and stinking ****

Hungry ravish burning Rome

Parasitic beasts feeding on lost souls

**** you in and never let you go

False promises of help, burning, burning, burning, blackens the sky

Outcast Society burning in the ruins of fallen Rome

Nevermore the sun shines down on the wretched land

Outcast Society burning in the ruins of fallen Rome

This

Is

The 

Future

a sinner seeking redemption
                                                   will he ever touch heavens gate?

pretentious pseudo
Priests pompously peruse prayers
purchasing penance

another notch in the bedpost my dear
just one more one night stand
a thirty minute memory
to be forgotten in the next lovers arms
for you it was just another experience
yet i've found it to be
my most treasured memory
when your sighs mixed with our sweat
gave way to a single nights symphony
or those moments we had love
nothing more than a falling star
bright for a moment then gone
my blonde haired enigma
won't you be my valentine
in this grand fallacy
do i love you?
or just the way your body fits in my arms
your scent your touch
goosebumps
let this night never end
for every morning i wake to find
you've slipper through my arms
a ghost of a memory
wishful thinking at its worst
unrequited love or lust
****

if i were drunk i would kiss you on the sidewalk in the rain
unlimited useless inhibitions a moment of passion
wrestling with tongues i taste your heart
sharing saliva i kiss your soul
too ******?
my hands wander and come to rest
conquistadors of the southern americas
**** me senseless and leave me bleeding on the side of the road
my love abuse me for you know not what you do yet i forgive you
i died so you could live the least you could do is **** my...
too ******? my apologies to the god fearing masses yet when you mix orange juice and
tequila from my mind my mouth spews the filth or is it the truth of my feelings
i would love you my beautiful angel if only you would let me
slip my hand into your pants

a quick fix
relief for an hour
a pencil, my needle
paper, my ******
i can't write enough
to forget these feelings
for more than an hour
i'm addicted
to a temporary solution
i've got my fix
for
now

hellbent livid heart
touches ugly her body
blows hard leaves shiver

frost like spirits our ancestors tread
floating on footsteps made of ash
while silently razors like ice slip
slowly over ignorant heads
blood is the currency red running
like rust
burnt to the faces of old gods and new
copper the taste of air
burned in june
earth tones speak of untold guilt

Crooked smiles breaking after midnight
Diamond eyes sparkle in the electric light
Running through through this modern town
We own the night
 As the lights dance upon our starry gaze
Invincible we fly towards heaven bound
This liquid silver runs coursing through our veins
And gives emotions thoughts yet unbound
And we sail ever toward the moon 
In ships made of fine gold thread spun 
From the suns last heavy sigh
I look towards the sky
And see innumerable burning seraphim
Dancing dancing in this city's glow
Of opportunities spread through our time
And chances mistook for mistakes
That led to a night of passion
Dripping dripping with tears unshed
We loved like lions and never once left
Our cocoon of embers never shed
I love I love I pronounced to the
Unending ocean of dreamers lay dreaming
As this body coalesced 
And my soul intertwined with yours
Forming a living breathing breath

the air outside is biting
the bitter sweet smell
of autumns dying breath
bury me in colors
reds yellows oranges
bleeding their lives
into a thirsty broken ground
bleeding and dripping to
browns grays black
forest floor moist with the
dark sky's lonely tears
falling of off twisted
bare broken branches
skeletal fingers reaching
towards the watery sun
bury me in colors
before the colors
of autumns dying breath
melt into the endless
open abyss of white
winters cruel cold
cleaning of the slate
unbroken except for the
single set of footsteps
leading to a solitary
red leaf dying

thorns on roses
draw a ******
reminder of fleeting
Beauty

bitter is this transition, dusk till dawn
floating on half remembered dreams
one would expect tranquility
instead of a constant reminder
that i go to sleep alone
cold sheets with room for two
resign themselves to midnight solidarity

chain smoke cigarettes
in my bathroom to **** the
enveloping pain

light and shadows make a play across rapid fingers
moving in time to the the symphony played out night by night
light and dark, a question of ambiguous morality
where will we go with this life, this pursuit of fulfillment
yet i stand in the yard alone with eyes turned toward
the heavens and still i ask the moon why? what is the meaning of this life
an ocean of thoughts and feelings waves that crash upon the shore of my mind
sand and sand and sand infinite and finite in practice
the light cast by the stars comes to earth cold like a promise made at night
yet my arms are warm and empty, open to any embrace from loving angels
with a sweet kiss upon my lips i breath a farewell to the ladies in my life
to search endlessly in this sea of waving grains golden in the sunset
for love, for hope, for a reason to walk on and on
copper and iron and steel
industrial
i love yet i lack
i feel yet i am not free
will you be mine
will you be mine
will you be mine
and dance with me
on this fine summer day?

light and shadows make a play across rapid fingers
moving in time to the the symphony played out night by night
light and dark, a question of ambiguous morality
where will we go with this life, this pursuit of fulfillment
yet i stand in the yard alone with eyes turned toward
the heavens and still i ask the moon why? what is the meaning of this life
an ocean of thoughts and feelings waves that crash upon the shore of my mind
sand and sand and sand infinite and finite in practice
the light cast by the stars comes to earth cold like a promise made at night
yet my arms are warm and empty, open to any embrace from loving angels
with a sweet kiss upon my lips i breathe a farewell to the ladies in my life
to search endlessly in this sea of waving grains golden in the sunset
for love, for hope, for a reason to walk on and on
copper and iron and steel
industrial
i love yet i lack
i feel yet i am not free
will you be mine
will you be mine
will you be mine
and dance with me
on this fine summer day?

reincarnation
of ideas runs
(selcric circles)
runs ideas of
reincarnation

voluptuous round
satin soft silky *****
******* i need laid

the price we pay for beauty
sown in sweat and blood
etched upon our living skin
the uncomfortable art of
passion raw red will power
to sit and let it burn

intertwined branches
                                        shedding the last
                  leaves
                               of fall
no shame

i have to write to get this poison out of my body
otherwise i'll lay on my floor half naked with a gun in my hand
pulling the trigger on an empty chamber
thinking how bad would it really hurt to die

Id like to stop thinking for a moment
just a pause in time
id like to stop thinking for a moment
with this gun of mine
id like to stop thinking for a moment
lock and load
id like to stop thinking for a moment
squeeze my finger
id like to stop thinking for a moment
click, blasting out my mind
id like to stop thinking for a moment
with music from these head phones
ha you thought I killed myself
but the guns in your hand
not mine

Once Upon a Time
the storybook never closed
The End?

anger strikes like lightning but
thunder claps leave me confused

i sit here and overdose in my imagination for the fifth time today
too poor to **** myself with a pharmaceutical fantasy no pain just sleep
it's a matter of time before i'm found swinging in my basement necrotic windchime
i'm not so much a poet as a sad kid rambling who can only write inebriated
this one time life thing is getting me sick and i just don't..
**** me i thought i was stronger than this yet years with a **** job
no girl and 5 weeks a night of left hand ******* while i choke down
another bottle bottle bottled my emotions in a seven dollar anesthetic
i've been romanticizing a wished for **** addiction at least that would be an
excuse for why i'm a wasted wasting waste of life doomed to insecurity
i can't even remember half the words i learned in school
you're probably sick of my self loathing and every poem i write is
just another narcissistic cry for help because i'm to proud to ball up and cry
don't even bother this time i don't want your reason for why i can't top myself
kick my bucket, burn my farm, pluck out my eyes and puke till i die
i'm ******* done i'm just too tired to try
to all those girls i never kissed - i love you
to all those ******* i never hit - i love you
to that boy that i might have found myself with - i love you
to my best best best friends the few that i have - i love you
i was never comfortable in my skin
maybe i'll  be comfortable in my grave

inhale my heart into your lungs
as the embers of the summer's sun
fall to your tongue and turn to ash
while running to escape won't hide the past
and all those nights we scarcely shared
held in my arms you lied, i cared
as we watched the stars set 
to dawns first light
lie to my memories darling
and tell me yesterday will be ok
because tomorrow is hours too far away

cars like comets roar past the
external edges of my solitary universe
while the circling bands of introspection and selfishness
obscure my point of view
the cold stone steps bring steadfastness and strength
while peaceful acceptance governs my mind.
living in the present brings presence and power
the grass is cool green and soft with dew

and here i stand
                                                                     (not so alone)
mere steps from the edge
                                                                     (on the brink of indecision)
a free one way ticket
                                                                     (nonstop, express)
to view this cityscape
                                                                     (a sight so majestic and cruel)
through the eyes of a raindrop
                                                                     (tears for this empty soul)
spilt from the tumultuous sky
                                                                     (a war rages in the heavens)
inverted in this fragile sphere
                                                                     (forged in this silent storm)
i see the window lights
                                                                     (worlds separated by glass panes)
in grey man-made spires
                                                                     (monuments to a false god)
flash by faster and faster
                                                                     (streaking to a single blur)
film on a reel - stuttering
                                                                     (burning up in acrid smoke)
to the end of the roll
                                                                     (over before the plot resolved)

                                             crack

back to the present
                                                                     (an unfortunate turn of events)
my hollow gaze lifts to you
                                                                     (where there once was love)
my windblown angel
                                                                     (my treacherous beauty)                                                                      
- with hands on my back
                                                                     (so eager in their placement)
as my lips wait impatiently
                                                                     (forever seems so short)
for your kiss to seal my fate
                                                                     (your mouth tastes of death)

as i pass through this tunnel i called life
catching a small glimpse of what's outside
only to be obscured by rock walls once more

i can imagine the breath of fresh air
life delivered to my choking lungs
black and withered from the lies i told
        
                                                                          (i can change)
                                                                          (it will only get easier)
                                                                          (there is, love for me)

and my eyes, not open to the sun
see so far in front when blind to the light
everything looks the same granite and grey

deliver me from this overbearing mountain
of self afflicted doubts, weighing down
to the point of immobilizing madness

will path i walk ever lead me home?
the rusty tracks beside, promising change
winding, twisting, never-ending

when

a rumble through the ground
a tremble through my being
a light! a freight train savior!
a step to the tracks,
wait, hold.
arms open to embrace my fate

death is blunt.

eloquence means nothing
and charismatic words
don't do a ****

death is blunt.

and infinite reminder
to this finite span of life
a permanent problem
to a temporary solution

death is blunt.

in the end we're all just dust
no emotions, no thoughts
just the soil and us

death is blunt.

the poetic anthesis
anesthesia of the soul
period. end. done.

you took my broken pieces
and saw them as whole
this cracked and defective machine
made of emotions, memories, and
a heart that beats
accepted as flawed
for there is beauty in this mind
that gravitates towards my own
worst enemy - me
and you discovered the good
in the bad
took it for what it was
love

how tired how tired
the caged bird sings
before its beautiful neck snaps
between the claws of an angry
fat cat drool
drip drop dripping the ghoulish rubies
that snake past its serpent tongue and
sizzle when they touch its breast
scream like a banshee a women in the
throes of **** as the cats sternum
breaks between the iron clap jaws
of the three headed abomination
cerberus
guardian of the judicial powers
champion of the executive law
enforcer of legislative judgement
slobbering grasping all encompassing
maw envelopes my heart in its
wretched gnashing teeth
and **** my marrow from my bones
with a sharpened gore covered protuberance called security
i see the death of my passions
in this hellish cycle - abomination birthed
from the depths of an elitist mind
control - a choke chain on the masses