a discrepancy
in my character, forgive
but never forget

nothing will make these voices stop inside my head
no matter how many times i try to burn them out on my arm
no matter how many times i try to ink them off my skin
these wretched demons clamor and chitter in my ear
and in my veins and in my muscle flesh and bone
while blank eyes stare towards the world weary sky
that is grey with apathy and pregnant with despair
im covered in sweat and cold in my heart
and every drug in the world calls my name
offering a moment of solace and a break from reality
yet i could only ever o'd on my own hate
i want to pull the flesh from my fingers
and paint my story in the brightest reds
that only ever fade to black

i dream of the end of the world
the only place i find solitude
time for myself is when
i am getting a tattoo
and bleeding myself dry
with ink in my veins
my life is cracking at the edges
and crumpling at the core
and i am not so sure who i am
while sit in solitude in my basement
and drink myself sober
while i put out a cigarette on my arm
because the smoke in my lungs
isnt killing me fast enough
while my friends do nothing
but make sure i go comfortably
to an early grave
while i remember the backrub you gave me
and how you laid in his arms
while i eat a bag of beef jerky
even though im a vegetarian
and the taste of blood in my mouth
makes me sick to my stomach
yet i keep eating because
something had to die
while i try to write this suicide note
with all the eloquence of a poem
and cry for help in the smallest voice
all the while knowing that
i will just ***** our in the end
and end up with one more scar
of many that are there or not
but they all ghost on my soul
shame
i dream of the end of the world

drinking in the shower causes conflicting emotions
hot and cold mix but don't form lukewarm
instead they swirl and dance mingle and twist
with heat in my head and frost in my throat
i take another sip and wince then grin
as opposite sensations pull me apart
in the most pleasant way

that puzzle piece of life
we had it all -
cute couple status
days spent in our eyes
nights in our arms
we resonated deep
but now i can't stand
to listen to half my iPod
burned cds sit and wait
while gathering dust
while marlboro blacks
break my heart
i grind my teeth to dust
wish upon a fallen star
that this **** never happened, love

i'm in a dangerous state of mind
with no care for living this life
where human emotions are traded
for less than a pack of rubbers
but you didn't even use those
so how much did i truly mean
when the push came to shove
and grinding hips
with moaning lips
that whispered, screamed,
and cried his name
on the night you ****** my heart away
where loyalty takes a literal backseat
to pleasure
and a long term relationship
is laughing stock material
ha ha standup, ain't i funny
to look for something more than this
but i would choke on my own tongue
before i'd speak bad of you
my backstabbing lover
unfaithful friend
i hope to god it he was worth it
the cost was more than just tears
but blood spray on the bathroom mirror
and an empty place where i once
used to love
permanently empty
i can't find the will to care
more than a few half-hearted,
correct that, heartless
obscenities muttered under my breath
with ****** on my mind
a 3:30am fantasy to help dull
the pain that i should be feeling
maybe i'm just a pessimist,
fatalist, cynical, and negative
but my lack of surprise cuts the most
lied to by my mind for those
two months of my life
that i thought i had it all
better to have loved and lost
but even better to **** it all
and just go out with your name on my lips
and your lies in my heart
i hope you think of me when you're with him
that you choke on your tears
plagued with the worst emotions and loss
a better killer than any gun

well **** this and **** that
the spirit of not caring
because caring gets you hurt
with the best of intentions
and time never returned
when will i learn to be
sufficiently cynical
to say **** this and *******
my heart is closed
and no ones allowed in
i dont need anyone
better to have loved and loss?
but best to not care at all

you took my broken pieces
and saw them as whole
this cracked and defective machine
made of emotions, memories, and
a heart that beats
accepted as flawed
for there is beauty in this mind
that gravitates towards my own
worst enemy - me
and you discovered the good
in the bad
took it for what it was
love

i carry the weight of the world on my shoulders
willing or not, a part of my subconscious makeup
a disposition to take their troubles and yours as well
i live with a thousand guilty minds and mine own
yet i do not add my burdens to the load
i live with my demons caged inside
for how can you be there for the greater good
with any weakness showing of your own?
lend me no ear, my problems i will not share
that would defeat my impossible goal
to free the world of earthly cares and sorrows
a self made martyr who wants no acknowledgment
no word of thanks, thats what friends are for
but i am cracking inside
to a million shattered fragments
held together out of a sense of duty
only as strong as my own convictions
a plea for help almost escapes
these lips sewn shut
only to be swallowed and lost
                                                       in
                                                               the
                                                                                farthest

                                                                                                              reaches
  

                                                                                                                                          of



                                                                                                                                                                     my







                                                                                                                                                                          mind.

calm and collect my thoughts
ethereal smoke twists upwards
indecipherable spirals winding
their way towards the moon
temporary existence
fleeting memories
my fingers grasp and hold nothing
a silly gesture - acted out
more so in a symbolic way
the ticking clock provides a
backdrop to this satisfied silence
as i take stock of my body
and file away the sensation
of skin on skin and desperate
moans for more
a midnight tryst held close
to my heart that's beating its
way out of my body and
finding its way into yours
with limited time to live this life
embrace it head on and hold me close
tell this dream to last forever
for a moment this special made real
could only be a fragment of
a sleeping mind
i never want to wake up
if time were to stop i'd be happy
knowing that this finite strand
of fine gold thread held high
by fate was made to last more
than the thin tendril of white
sighed out - brushed past my lips and into yours

self-inflicted incompetence
brought on by a life
of misunderstanding, misuse
sabotaged by my own mind
with this unsettling gut feeling
will i ever be good enough
or will i be discarded
as a broken unsatisfying machine
tell me the truth
that will cut to the core
for deceptive sentiments
cause self doubt to boil
beneath my skin
am i not a man
or fated to be relegated
to boyhood status
unable to quench the most
basic natural demands
a failure at heart
a selfish lover
eating away at my conscious soul

i know you love me
im just paranoid as all hell
we're only human

with smoke tainted breath i sit and watch the night pass by
a silent guardian to watch my waking thoughts
the blinking traffic light tick tock ticks my life into pieces
a second hand reminder of the passing time flies
i reminisce on thoughts once alive and
create a late night fantasy in my mind
of life once lived to the fullest extent
only available in dreams brought on by death
the air is chill a cool reminder of the progressing season
where even the earth finds itself locked in throes of ecstasy
at the mere idea of change
the sky, towering sentinels that keep their eyes to the heavens
for any sign that this chaotic life will sink in calm waters
it smells like rain and the smell is sweet
caress my heart with a sense of longing as i create
this poem of cliche meaning
i live to love and love to live with lover in hand and
a night beneath the stars
only spoke about in hushed voices for song would break the spell
if this city wakes
i find myself asking the empty air for answers to these
dilema questions only meant for rhetorical ears
a writers lament
the cry of the mocking bird
syncs with the pass of a car
sweetly soft in a partners sigh
repetitive to most
these lips taste like honey and
my soul is free to wander to home
where you lay sleeping
safe and sound in the sea of mist
that separates the lost from the jealous eyes of unforgiving rest
a movement without meaning draws inspiration
for zen meditation
my coffee is getting cold

how tired how tired
the caged bird sings
before its beautiful neck snaps
between the claws of an angry
fat cat drool
drip drop dripping the ghoulish rubies
that snake past its serpent tongue and
sizzle when they touch its breast
scream like a banshee a women in the
throes of **** as the cats sternum
breaks between the iron clap jaws
of the three headed abomination
cerberus
guardian of the judicial powers
champion of the executive law
enforcer of legislative judgement
slobbering grasping all encompassing
maw envelopes my heart in its
wretched gnashing teeth
and **** my marrow from my bones
with a sharpened gore covered protuberance called security
i see the death of my passions
in this hellish cycle - abomination birthed
from the depths of an elitist mind
control - a choke chain on the masses

but what do you do when
this machine made world you live in
rusts and breaks and comes apart
into a thousand blood red screws and gears
slowly spinning to a stop with a
half hearted sigh
no more the will to crank and turn
the dynamo that orbits these steel caged
heavens
glowing white blaze hot in the fire
of this unforgiving sun
the pavement is cracked and uneven
the weeds look grey to the world weary
eyes
ashes to ashes dust to dust we
all fall down as the plague doctor
takes off his mask to dark pits of despair
the blackness burns! with a cold heat
where run these feral dogs when this
intricate contraption ceases to power
these city streets
all i taste is soot
my hands are numb
the sky weeps hot flakes of my soul

am i who i ever want to be
or will i ever seek the meaning
to these life questions
my favorite breakfast food
the color of the shirt i wear today
music
tattoos
love
life
death
***
taxes
and the rest
blend together in a tempest
of thoughts that flash before my eyes
who am i who am i who am i
and if i knew the terrible truth
could i look myself in the soul
or would i just lie
the most futile pursuit of this world
is not freedom happiness love
but knowing oneself inside and out
we all lie
to save face with ourselves

where is the girl for me?
quirky fantasy broken
a piece to the puzzle that doesn't fit
infront of my eyes?
or never to be found
in this sea of humanity
solitude, self inflicted
to the extent that she's not for me
will i always have unrealistic expectations
that will remain unfulfilled
a media dream
product of countless late night stories
to be to exist
in this sphere
where no distance
is far enough away
to stop the ache in my chest
to cease the pounding behind my eyes
a facade
please tear down these cheerful walls
please fill the space between my fingers
please please please please
an empty cry to a nonexistent deity
is it my fate to be alone
no answer on the blowing wind
"silence"

a chance on the breeze
scented vanilla and honey
turns sour in my eyes my heart
aches with the weight of this world
atlas! spare me this burden
my shoulders are breaking
my spine is collapsing
and the ground is crumbling beneath
my feet
ye gods old and new
answer my whispered prayers
in torment i raise my face to the
beautiful heavens and weep
for the human condition
a vulture circles my head
a halo of never ending sunlight
starlight bright is its gaze
i search for the cool comfort of the moon
while my heart beats beats beating
hollow in my empty breast
pagan am i
heathen of the altar
i sacrificed my first born to the
unfeeling elite to consume my shell
of being
there is no rest for these weary feet
blistered and bleeding i follow
this path to the cavernous abyss
to the cave to the comforting darkness
of illusions wrought with fire and
shadows
and as these chains clap shut on
my wrists and ankles and mind i am
no longer afraid
i join the fold and stare vacant
from empty eyes dead and dreaming

words written on napkins
meant to change the world
the poetry of motion
the song of a kiss
the way my cigarette burned down to
touch on my lips
a hero fights dragons with a sword
made of ink
while the ruins of a nation crumble
to dust
sound the trumpets!
bang on the drums
welcome the harbinger of this peaceful
resistance
but wait. the change we sought
the sit ins and protests and flowers
we gave were met with the deafening
silence brought on by the gun
poets unite and take up your arms
for time calls when the sword is
mightier than the pen!
we are the broken
we are the lost
we are the fallen
and we are not quiet!
we fight for this day
words written on napkins meant
to change the world lay crumbled
in wastebaskets
for hands meant to write
now form a fist. - resist!

coffee shop motion
a city to standstill
slow dance this turning sensual beat
where free minds play
and ideas take root
in this grassroots gathering
of love like the ocean
swelling to drown out the sea
and the cry of mocking birds
sings me to sleep
safe in the knowledge
that change comes to mind
when colorful trees strip with the time
and this green earth keeps spinning
powered by the powers below and above
when angels and devils
fear not to make love
we'll tear down these walls
built by greed and hate
and show one another
we make our own fate!

motivation brought bought and sold
by the onset of insecure doubt
terrified by the prospect of living
outside the lines
my soul is colored pale with the brushstroke
of the unknown
i wander aimlessly looking for a
sense of direction in this mist
insubstantial thoughts do little to
keep my head above these turbulent waters
and my blood draws sharks from afar
seeking to ******* flesh and drag
me to the depths of this unforgiving
life

call me the cancer fairy
i bring burnable gifts of
chronic emphysema and hopeless addiction
with death on your lips
i hope that you think of me
as the cherry ember glows low
and soft grey ash caresses
even softer fingertips
viva la cigarettes! a love story in smoke

i want to change the world
one mind at a time
to open the eyes of those stuck
in the fold
with words to the wind
i write to the world
in hopes that these sounds
touch the hearts of the few
and spread like wildfire
all consuming of thoughts with
motion to live free for passion and love
a candle to hold indifference darkness at bay
a spark struck with hopes to be an inferno
of change

the coffee shop smell on this chill
autumn day reminds me of times outside
these worries and cares free like the
bird that spears through the sky
where are my wings?
i lost them in a deal with the devil
to live for my life
now hope burns in my lungs and
rises twisting turning on this
northern breeze smoke flows from
my lips like a gentle last kiss
my love set sail to the wind and
fly with your mind
for you will always find me in this
unforgiving sky
with a glance from the side
and a whisper of love
i will find my way my wings
and your love

eyes closed as clouds burn through
this sunset dream
will you remember me
when the unforgiving dawn breaks
and these speeding
                                       p u l s i n g
electro beats
pause to allow our hearts to beat
rhythmic thumping inside our chests
that never seems to be noticed
until that quiet moment when the moon sets
yet how we realize
these mechanical machines
of pistons springs and gears made flesh
only run on sunlight sugar and love
we still know that we were meant to fly above
our minds that wander free
to this forrest of electricity
rave baby rave where the drugs flow free
and i can forget my ineffectivity
with the ladies that move so slow to the beat
and my body feels nothing but
the moving grinding heat
that scorches my mind and burns through my soul
i felt yo move int he depths of it all
and it felt like love at the first taste of a kiss
that brought our lips closer in paper thin bliss
and in that one moment that passage of time
i had nothing left except the thoughts in my mind
of neon dreams made real in the lights
that these cheap bic lighters lit up the night

my vices are devices
through which ideas flow from my mind
as readily as ink flows to my skin

they allow me to express
the beauty of sitting still for an hour
with nothing on your mind

while these cigarettes
burn through a year to my life
and the courage that flows through my veins  
is supplied by my local thought dealer

a key to my mind
its seems that i an unable to write
what i think what i feel
without this passage of time
in which i may not have
full control of my mind

but what is a few years of my life
to sacrifice
if i can show how its meant to be alive

and i can live and love and laugh
as much as the next person does

but i must cut a bit deeper than the knife
in the gloved hand of fate
that denies me this wish

this wish to be free of what you call bliss

i write so i am
i think just because
but these words do not flow
without some from some cause

Crooked smiles breaking after midnight
Diamond eyes sparkle in the electric light
Running through through this modern town
We own the night
 As the lights dance upon our starry gaze
Invincible we fly towards heaven bound
This liquid silver runs coursing through our veins
And gives emotions thoughts yet unbound
And we sail ever toward the moon 
In ships made of fine gold thread spun 
From the suns last heavy sigh
I look towards the sky
And see innumerable burning seraphim
Dancing dancing in this city's glow
Of opportunities spread through our time
And chances mistook for mistakes
That led to a night of passion
Dripping dripping with tears unshed
We loved like lions and never once left
Our cocoon of embers never shed
I love I love I pronounced to the
Unending ocean of dreamers lay dreaming
As this body coalesced 
And my soul intertwined with yours
Forming a living breathing breath

i am selfish, self-pitying, jaded, ever seeking for some new meaning
tell me that you aren't too and i'll call you a liar with my eyes
because my mouth would never speak out against the truth of this world
that we all live for ourselves in the depths of our minds, in the labyrinth
with walls made out of sharp feelings and rusting emotions burning

i am at home in these depths, these dismal depths of self-feeling
of knowing through hours of introspective meditation that i will never be enough
but neither will you, neither will you my darling, it just has yet to reach
catastrophic proportions of this living tragedy to see that this sea of life
will only take, will only wash away

Bleeding In my own wold
 I am serene
I am ******* buddah
An exemplary  exhibit of how
To be calm in a storm 
How to stand on my own in the waves
That crush my shoulders
That smash my chest 
That bring me to my knees
**** the rules
And I defy the gods of this world
I raise my voice
In a defiant hymn 
I rebel
I exist through my will
And I will not be brought low
I am flesh blood and bone
I am because I am
And my thoughts roam these 
Unsavory waters
I will fight these demons
I will become what I may
And relentless I will purge
My soul
I scream till my eyes bleed
And I know what it means
To eat the heart of my enemies

Here's one shot for giving up 
And one more for giving in
Without a fight
When nicotine and alcohol
Can't dull the sense of the end
Trying to win with a losing hand
The cards I've been dealt never stack
Quite as high as the sky
The stars look so bright alone
That empty space magnified
Do we know that we're truly alone
Or does it take the bitter taste
Of one more rejection
To cross the line
A photo finish that no one read
Care is a concern for the snowy trees
The mysteries of life hold nothing
For an ant like me
Grind me under your heel
Grind me, a nuisance with my heart
Left longing for what
I look for answers in the moving train cars
But the perspective is only a blur
Colors flash by in meaningless shapes
To love or to live
That is the question my dear
With only one answer
And it is nothing, nothing that these ringing ears
Want to hear
The burning bridge can only moan
Under the weight of this heavy soul
Weighed down with too many years
Of beating half empty
The blood is oxygenated
Sparkling wine will only go so far
Before the chill sets in
Marlboro 27 specials kiss my lips
And lead me down this path
One step closer to death
If only I could inhale
You

There will never be a ******* the beach
For a guy like me, to absorbed in self doubt
To truly live a life filled with adventure
Yet I sit here and smoke another cigarette
In the hopes that it will somehow change my future
Yet the spirals of smoke mean nothing to eyes
That cannot decipher the future in tea leaves
I am powerless to change this slump that I reside in
A king of a decaying kingdom
A knight with no armor
Pierce my lungs my heart my eyes my soul
And let me bleed to peace in death
I eat unicorns

we live between the panels in the unfamiliar life
time happening scene to scene with no interlude
no interlude for the weary actor who longs for a respite
a glass of water to clear a parched dry throat
yet the curtain never falls on this comic book scene
the hero never rests and so loses his mind to the constant
never ever ever ever ending stream on conscientious objections
to pursuing the greater good, not for the individual but for the whole
the wolf brings down its prey for the sake of the pack and yet
my teeth bite down on nothing but air, involuntary
the sky calls to those who wish to be free of these intentions
of plots within circles within groups within cliches
truth will set you free to explore the recesses of the darkest mind
but the blue pill will grant you sleep

light and shadows make a play across rapid fingers
moving in time to the the symphony played out night by night
light and dark, a question of ambiguous morality
where will we go with this life, this pursuit of fulfillment
yet i stand in the yard alone with eyes turned toward
the heavens and still i ask the moon why? what is the meaning of this life
an ocean of thoughts and feelings waves that crash upon the shore of my mind
sand and sand and sand infinite and finite in practice
the light cast by the stars comes to earth cold like a promise made at night
yet my arms are warm and empty, open to any embrace from loving angels
with a sweet kiss upon my lips i breathe a farewell to the ladies in my life
to search endlessly in this sea of waving grains golden in the sunset
for love, for hope, for a reason to walk on and on
copper and iron and steel
industrial
i love yet i lack
i feel yet i am not free
will you be mine
will you be mine
will you be mine
and dance with me
on this fine summer day?

light and shadows make a play across rapid fingers
moving in time to the the symphony played out night by night
light and dark, a question of ambiguous morality
where will we go with this life, this pursuit of fulfillment
yet i stand in the yard alone with eyes turned toward
the heavens and still i ask the moon why? what is the meaning of this life
an ocean of thoughts and feelings waves that crash upon the shore of my mind
sand and sand and sand infinite and finite in practice
the light cast by the stars comes to earth cold like a promise made at night
yet my arms are warm and empty, open to any embrace from loving angels
with a sweet kiss upon my lips i breath a farewell to the ladies in my life
to search endlessly in this sea of waving grains golden in the sunset
for love, for hope, for a reason to walk on and on
copper and iron and steel
industrial
i love yet i lack
i feel yet i am not free
will you be mine
will you be mine
will you be mine
and dance with me
on this fine summer day?

i am abrasive
personality functionality deficit
yet i attract
beautiful women
to befriend the hermit of solidarity
will you go out with me
brought answers on no
my friend i could not lose
yet for the end of altruistic bargaining
i end up ahead
with false promises of a beginning
to an end my own personal
apocalypse
david lee roth would understand
that as i write in this
mindset
brought on by reading
778 comics in 12 hours
and a 4 day binge of  job for a cowboy
my mind wanders
as insomnia sets in
would i be one of the great
dissociative poets?
a dose of the unrequited free associative minds
free thinking form of diet coke with a side of purple strawberries no i meant blueberries
my mind wanders
and yet i look forward to pad thai on wednesdays with cute blondes whom with i stand
the chance of a bat in the mosh pits of a metal band
suckers
i win
for you all know the taste of yellow mustard
ramble ramble ramble
this indie pop poem
would it be ironic to like it
if one truly hates the wording
and yet loves the idea
one of lives greatest life mysteries
alcohol i bid thee a fair welcome
nimble bubblegum monkey wrench
how long will you read?
enough to to see my lack of coherent sentence structure
or that i am a flawed creation
going on and on about existential non existent problems
for i shall exist regardless of my best intentions
as the wheel continues to roll on despite the moss covering this ice slicked track
metal boar slayer of a thousand suns would be a good metal name from sweden
the mooring dove coos to the beat of an undead drum
boo hoo boo hoo cries the witch at the stake
i am done

music through my veins
polyrhythmic synapses
firing in 3/2 timing
stuttering triplet rolls
around my thoughts
octave to octave change
quicknowdoubletime
overdrive of emotion
s l o w s  t o  h a l f  t i m e
q  u  a  r  t  e  r   t  i  m  e
e   i   g   h   t   h    t   i   m   e
stop these shaking hands
this staccato heart
a note from the end
a measure too soon
a crescendo to nothing

discordant - anti-climatic.

was the song to my life ever on beat?

if i were drunk i would kiss you on the sidewalk in the rain
unlimited useless inhibitions a moment of passion
wrestling with tongues i taste your heart
sharing saliva i kiss your soul
too ******?
my hands wander and come to rest
conquistadors of the southern americas
**** me senseless and leave me bleeding on the side of the road
my love abuse me for you know not what you do yet i forgive you
i died so you could live the least you could do is **** my...
too ******? my apologies to the god fearing masses yet when you mix orange juice and
tequila from my mind my mouth spews the filth or is it the truth of my feelings
i would love you my beautiful angel if only you would let me
slip my hand into your pants

another notch in the bedpost my dear
just one more one night stand
a thirty minute memory
to be forgotten in the next lovers arms
for you it was just another experience
yet i've found it to be
my most treasured memory
when your sighs mixed with our sweat
gave way to a single nights symphony
or those moments we had love
nothing more than a falling star
bright for a moment then gone
my blonde haired enigma
won't you be my valentine
in this grand fallacy
do i love you?
or just the way your body fits in my arms
your scent your touch
goosebumps
let this night never end
for every morning i wake to find
you've slipper through my arms
a ghost of a memory
wishful thinking at its worst
unrequited love or lust
****

i know you're in his arms
breath on your neck
a gentle kiss
and the thought of it's
wrecking me

as you look into his eyes
was it worth the sweat
my unrequited paramour
i mean it in the dearest way

i've never felt our bodies touch
yet my mind can trace your curves
from lips to hips then hips to lips
a sideline show - waiting
alone on the dance floor

for the glance that once came my way
a moment wasted
an opportunity slipped
from my fingertips
into his open arms

courage my empty angel
id take you used
tattered and torn
and make you mine

let's make something beautiful
only to watch it burn
****
         and
                 forget  
one night, we were one
in the not so distant future
a second chance to make it true

bitter is this transition, dusk till dawn
floating on half remembered dreams
one would expect tranquility
instead of a constant reminder
that i go to sleep alone
cold sheets with room for two
resign themselves to midnight solidarity

and here i stand
                                                                     (not so alone)
mere steps from the edge
                                                                     (on the brink of indecision)
a free one way ticket
                                                                     (nonstop, express)
to view this cityscape
                                                                     (a sight so majestic and cruel)
through the eyes of a raindrop
                                                                     (tears for this empty soul)
spilt from the tumultuous sky
                                                                     (a war rages in the heavens)
inverted in this fragile sphere
                                                                     (forged in this silent storm)
i see the window lights
                                                                     (worlds separated by glass panes)
in grey man-made spires
                                                                     (monuments to a false god)
flash by faster and faster
                                                                     (streaking to a single blur)
film on a reel - stuttering
                                                                     (burning up in acrid smoke)
to the end of the roll
                                                                     (over before the plot resolved)

                                             crack

back to the present
                                                                     (an unfortunate turn of events)
my hollow gaze lifts to you
                                                                     (where there once was love)
my windblown angel
                                                                     (my treacherous beauty)                                                                      
- with hands on my back
                                                                     (so eager in their placement)
as my lips wait impatiently
                                                                     (forever seems so short)
for your kiss to seal my fate
                                                                     (your mouth tastes of death)

bored senseless?
                               i think so.
cigarette's done,

                                 my arm...
      ashtray!!

cherry sweet smoke
drifting slow circles
barely masks the scent of... burned coffee? or is it mold?
it really brings out  the apathetic atmosphere
of this windowless waiting room.
dimly lit and dingy
a single bare bulb clinging to life
...and failing -
f l i c k e r s   w i t h   t h e   r a p i d   p u l s e   o f   a   h e a r t   g i v i n g   o u t.
while peeling Mint Green paint adds a sense of despair
("it smells definitely like **** in here")
the grout needs a good scrub to remove the flaking brown stains
reminiscent of dried blood and chew spit
This. is. where. My dreams languish
                                       with  bloodshot eyes
                                       with cramped backs
                                       awkward and uncomfortable
queued up to to die in some forgotten room
located down that rather unpleasant looking hallway                                                          ­           
filed away for a rainy day that will never come  ~                     
                          one dead dream is a tragedy
                          a thousand dead dreams are just statistic

as i pass through this tunnel i called life
catching a small glimpse of what's outside
only to be obscured by rock walls once more

i can imagine the breath of fresh air
life delivered to my choking lungs
black and withered from the lies i told
        
                                                                          (i can change)
                                                                          (it will only get easier)
                                                                          (there is, love for me)

and my eyes, not open to the sun
see so far in front when blind to the light
everything looks the same granite and grey

deliver me from this overbearing mountain
of self afflicted doubts, weighing down
to the point of immobilizing madness

will path i walk ever lead me home?
the rusty tracks beside, promising change
winding, twisting, never-ending

when

a rumble through the ground
a tremble through my being
a light! a freight train savior!
a step to the tracks,
wait, hold.
arms open to embrace my fate