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Nov 2013 · 834
winter is coming (a haiku)
Ben Nov 2013
the ice flow north wind
the pristine moon reflected
silent white sharp stark
Nov 2013 · 2.8k
little spoon
Ben Nov 2013
sink into the silence
nothing left by nothing
a silent trip adviser
to blame the past on
levels of induced mindless
consumption that dealt
with the singularity breath
ghost located in page
after page after page of longing
caress and sniff and smell
the burning rubber sensation of
ice melted fire drops
dealt to deal with dealing
memories forgave in the think tank
calm in the blue raindrop
frisky frisk touch of soul
felt with eyes wide open
and a heart made of gold
to last ever last in the synaptic
convulsion that twitches and squirms
of a mental addiction love and pain
and parlor trick injections
did i mention the hopeful twist
of a sudden quick thinking passing
love is love actually and codeine is
a moment of unloved passive regret
o d on your section of unblinking
overwatch i snorted the powder
to happiness everlasting
cuddle with my corpse
i want to be the little spoon and feel your heartbeat in my back pressed selfishness to hold my soul and revel in the passiveness of unthinking
let me lick your inner soul and taste
the salt of a lie left on cracked breathless lips
Ben Nov 2013
three showers deep and I still can't sleep
the time of my life Molly and Ice
I'm having second thoughts
I may have a bit of an indiscriminate drug use problem
edit: self destructive attention *****
Sep 2013 · 4.5k
positive
Ben Sep 2013
let's try positive for a change,
change the wiring in this brain,
brain aware remain soul interchange,
interchange for sun and not the rain,
rain that made me always feel strange,
strange that i always sought pain,
pain for love, the emotions deranged,
deranged? insane! confusion did reign,
reign while i did fight for change,
change i gained, content not feigned
Sep 2013 · 4.0k
autumn
Ben Sep 2013
scarlet, vermillion, saffron, in air
samhain sacrifice for the coming night
brushstrokes 'cross limbs soon laid bare

arcane characters for the fair
symbols ward them till distant light
scarlet, vermillion, saffron, in air

offered to old gods in ritual prayer
last colors of autumn before winter's white
brushstrokes 'cross limbs soon laid bare

an iron will to survive, they do declare
a solemn pact and a sacred rite
scarlet, vermillion, saffron, in air

herald the end of summer's affair
golden head bowed to geimhreadh's might
brushstrokes 'cross limbs soon laid bare

still stand proud they do, with defiant glare
the trees of the forrest an enchanting sight
scarlet, vermillion, saffron, in air
brushstrokes 'cross limbs soon laid bare
Sep 2013 · 847
kitten mittens?
Ben Sep 2013
it's cold outside but my kitten simply radiates heat
if only she would be useful and stay on my feet
step one: acquire kitten
step two: place kitten on feet
step three: ???
step four: chase after kitten
step five: treat wounds of the extremities and face
Ben Sep 2013
self realization struck painful and fair
i was wasting my life going nowhere
and with the fresh pain clarity came
to better myself i'll never be the same
too busy to write more, there's a college to reapply too!
Sep 2013 · 412
status updates
Ben Sep 2013
i have to write to get this poison out of my body
otherwise i'll lay on my floor half naked with a gun in my hand
pulling the trigger on an empty chamber
thinking how bad would it really hurt to die
Ben Sep 2013
i sit here and overdose in my imagination for the fifth time today
too poor to **** myself with a pharmaceutical fantasy no pain just sleep
it's a matter of time before i'm found swinging in my basement necrotic windchime
i'm not so much a poet as a sad kid rambling who can only write inebriated
this one time life thing is getting me sick and i just don't..
**** me i thought i was stronger than this yet years with a **** job
no girl and 5 weeks a night of left hand ******* while i choke down
another bottle bottle bottled my emotions in a seven dollar anesthetic
i've been romanticizing a wished for **** addiction at least that would be an
excuse for why i'm a wasted wasting waste of life doomed to insecurity
i can't even remember half the words i learned in school
you're probably sick of my self loathing and every poem i write is
just another narcissistic cry for help because i'm to proud to ball up and cry
don't even bother this time i don't want your reason for why i can't top myself
kick my bucket, burn my farm, pluck out my eyes and puke till i die
i'm ******* done i'm just too tired to try
to all those girls i never kissed - i love you
to all those ******* i never hit - i love you
to that boy that i might have found myself with - i love you
to my best best best friends the few that i have - i love you
i was never comfortable in my skin
maybe i'll  be comfortable in my grave
just a thought
i'm past caring what people know
i can't seem to feel anymore
Sep 2013 · 5.2k
unemployed (again)
Ben Sep 2013
i woke up this morning
locked myself in the bathroom
with whiskey beer and netflix
a hot steam shower and
aching thoughts for a cigarette

they said be strong you'll make it in time
but all i see is a negative sum numbers game
ad infinitum forevermore on & on & on
another day another nicked nickel through my fingers

so instead of being a "productive" member of society
i'm drunk at 8:00 am and wallowing in self pity
but hey the shows are free
but this shower's gunna cost me
Sep 2013 · 956
Marco Island
Ben Sep 2013
between wind and water
between sand and sea
the ever changing
fails to stir this heavy heart
an iron anchor sinking
to just below the surface
not quite deep enough to disappear
with surface just in sight
with never a breath of air
these psychological leviathans
of all my hopes and fears
break my ship upon the rocks
and all hands lost despair
for my mind my captain
my unhappy soul floats
barely conscious and dehydrated
lips cracked and delirious
in limbo state the sole survivor
of the ever present temptest
named loneliness unforgiving
Aug 2013 · 1.3k
Goodnight Irene
Ben Aug 2013
we buried my grandma today
she loved unicorns and reading

my grandfather, her husband of 61 years
sang to her over her casket one last time
Bobby Vinton's My Melody of Love

"Oh, oh moja droga jacie kocham
Means that I love you so
Moja droga jacie kocham
More than you'll ever know
Kocham ciebie calem serce
Love you with all my heart
Return and always be
My melody of love
"
credit to Bobby Vinton for the lyrics to My Melody of Love
Aug 2013 · 1.2k
i'm just a tease
Ben Aug 2013
flirting with death telling her i'm ready
she's caressing my temple my lips and my chest
with a blue steel barrel goosebumps and longing
a short sharp breath and eyes closed tight
i ease and ease and ease the trigger in
click
can't die yet, rent's due tomorrow
Aug 2013 · 675
good morning
Ben Aug 2013
it's glorious outside and
I am in a foul ******* mood
I kicked your dog
I took your kid's candy
I spit in your fries
the sun is shining and
my thoughts are blacker than sin
animal abuse commercials were
made because of me
the ones about the orphans too
the birds are singing and
the sound makes me want
to shove their stupid *******
songs down their stupid *******
throats
the world is laughing 'round me
and all I want to do is beat
it till it screams and shakes and cries
today is not a good day
Jul 2013 · 532
Venus and Mars (a haiku)
Ben Jul 2013
her smooth violet lips
mouthing honestly for peace.
sweet eyes thunder war
Jul 2013 · 473
precious
Ben Jul 2013
hellbent livid heart
touches ugly her body
blows hard leaves shiver
Jul 2013 · 602
Autumn in Summer
Ben Jul 2013
it's cool summer nights like these
where I roll down the windows
to watch the world pass while
our song plays quiet through the speakers
and, just for a second, with eyes half closed
I can feel your hand in mine
sweet memory of touch
before I refocus and find a car that's empty
and space between my fingers
an ache in my chest and a cold right shoulder
Jun 2013 · 830
grey morning (II)
Ben Jun 2013
anger uncontrollable wildly swings to and fro
a weathervane shifting it's glaring arrow
from me to you to me to you to me to god
this tempest boiling over from my half full mindset
spills forth from my body a black wicked liquid
its leaks from my pores and pours from my eyes
spews from my mouth and is felt in the
tremors of my hands
incensed irate rabid sick and shaking
my mind like a dog should be put down out back
an execution style burial one bullet to my head
just watch for the blood spatter
don't want to infect anyone else
Jun 2013 · 269
grey morning (10w)
Ben Jun 2013
only woke up this morning
to hurt myself once again
Ben Jun 2013
peel my flesh and crack my ribs
excavate my chest cavity two fists deep
a ******* futile exercise grasping for nothing
my much neglected heart has withered
shriveled turned to dust on its aortic vine
intimacy, love, a human connection
a half remembered dream it's fleeting
hold me close cause all I feel are ghosts
Jun 2013 · 1.8k
witch hunt
Ben Jun 2013
sleep deprivation and left hand love
a recipe for a night filled with self loathing
no matter the matter of cigarettes
i've killed on my arm
i still can't feel a feeling worth feeling
searching seeking self destruction

*applaud and cheer the sinking ship to
obscenely watch the dysfunctional waves ripple, grow,
rage, against this cracked and broken shore of my mind
enchanted by the beauty of the storm seductively
dragging the bodies of memories and passion
out to the deep blue sea to drown and drown
and drown again heads held under
until their souls stop screaming
Ben Jun 2013
ritual ritual
a spiritual experience
a loving addiction
familiar motions
ritual ritual
set my skin
to tingle and itch
a longing ache
ritual ritual
exorcise these
restless demons
bring long sought peace
stillness of mind
ritual ritual
an ancient tradition
needle to skin
sacred marks of
archaic power
ritual ritual
tattoo my body
a blood magic price
pain for a chance to really exist
Jun 2013 · 1.8k
grey day
Ben Jun 2013
save me from myself
human wreckage sinking
with ankles made of anchors
self conscious self abuse
the scars on my heart
i wear them on my sleeve
unlovable i've gone to deep
and no one wants a piece of me
drive me to distraction
while i tear apart my soul
searching for answers
to this god complex
i play with life and love
as a third person observer
and spend another night alone
writing "her" name with blood on my arm
i'm ok i promise
don't spare a second glance
i'm not worth your time
tragedy refined i'm almost cliché
bury me in apathy while i miss
the lips of emotionalism soft
just save me from myself cause
i'm trying my damnedest
to send myself to hell
help me.
Jun 2013 · 857
kitten, a haiku
Ben Jun 2013
my kitten chirps trills
meows purrs hisses squeaks speaks
arcane, cryptic, cute
Ben Jun 2013
spartan kick the fat *****
with their freshman album
hallucinogenic state of paranoia
a ******* screamo band
I will be the lead vocalist
I will take a hit of acid before each show and scream poetry while guitarist etc. play brutal ******* downtuned music behind it.
throw rager ******* shows
be like a cult band
get ******* famous
live ******* life
do drugs and be successful
stay classy kids
Jun 2013 · 2.6k
free flow (love)
Ben Jun 2013
inception an idea implanted in past land
passed on dark wings to grasp hold fast
in sketched out morality soul aghast
push my copycat character past fracture
spiderweb cracks in arguments made
solely of self righteous closed minded glass
however deep these malicious tendrils
slip and strangle the growing tree of
a raptured unique individuality
with perverse views of gender love equality
and views with that they do not agree
that do not conform with their conhypocrisformity
i want to be free to be free to be me
i want to find my personality
i just want love, of self, of you,
agree?
Ben Jun 2013
it's all in the details, shadows tracing shapes
of ghosts of past demons seductive with
wide eyes of warm brown flecked moss green
whisper in my ears of delusions and grandeur
while fingertips trace burning lines in
the well worn patterns on my back
temptress, succubus, leech, smooth with
manipulative cunning and dangerous beauty
a haunting promise to kiss the poison lips
of a night filled with fool's gold memories
left in the morning with an empty chest
and entrails that went west with the setting sun
with the greatest beauty, and grasping claws
silk sharp nails hooked in flesh and conscious thought
leave me from your deceptions and lies
my sweet Lilith, I am but a disposable distraction
naught but a notch in your bed
you left with my mind and my heart
left my body but an empty shell
a wraith wandering this grey plane
Ben May 2013
when boy met girl
the world shook
the sky held it's breath
the sea swelled then ceased
when boy kissed girl
time did stop
boy's heart beat then burst
boy's eyes closed but saw
when girl left boy
boy sat still
and stared at wall
and stared and stared and stared
till boy was naught but bones and ash
when boy was gone
the earth grew still
the wind picked up
the waves rose to crash
time went on...
but boy's heart was dead
eyes food for worms
the love I felt had left
the boy I was slept six feet down
May 2013 · 6.0k
In Wonderland
Ben May 2013
The Morning After Part I
What the hell have I done? It feels like my temples are about to explode and the early morning light burns my eyes. My shirt is missing and I’m curled up on my Lovesac. I glance to the left to see Alice is sprawled out on my air mattress. She looks drained, even while asleep, and I think that I probably look a lot worse. Last night… What happened last night? It’s all just a jumble, my memories out of order. It’s a flash of colors, sounds, feelings and sensations, a blur in my mind. It feels like a tilt-a-whirl of sensory overload and I kind of want to puke. Then, like a dam breaking, fragments of memories flood my mind in a sickening torrent, too much, too much. ****. It’s starting to come back and that’s not even remotely helping, just making it worse. I feel even more confused and all I can think is What Happened…?

Ok! Let’s Party!
a three am party a trip edge
a witching hour emprise time to begin
a black and white strip of paper so thin
it looked so harmless, inconspicuous, even then
five hits for me, four hits for you,
placed under our tongues, we expectantly raise
eyes round the dark room for a white rabbits maze
or floating cat ears and Cheshire grin
the seconds pass, then minutes do spin
nothing
nothing
nothing shifts or shapes, bends or breaks
we wander to seats, choose movie to play
Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World comes to life on screen in a blaze
and…

Trip # Cats Everywhere
“WE ARE *** BOB-OMB 1 2 3 4 - !”
cats are crawling slinking stalking
their eyes are glowing growing pulsing
and bodies moving sinuously serpentine
flowing round the corners of my eyes
fleeing from sight like shadowy wraiths
insubstantial  sensory stimulation
hallucination

Trip # ****** Coma
“WE ARE *** BOB-OMB 1 2 3 4!”
Haven’t I seen this before?...

ringing blue lightning flashes razor sharp quick
cutting my mind in jaw breaking half
gasping for air I lunge forward hard
and break into silence, stillness, calm.
you have to remember to breathe
when things get fuzzy or funny or anytime now
otherwise sanity slips like water through fingers
or like rabbits down tunnels
on time to lost minds and messy motor control
****** coma, giddy, ecstatic, inescapable, unrelenting

Trip # I’m Melting
“WE ARE *** BOB-OMB 1 2 3 4!”
Haven’t I seen this before?...

I have to **** but the whole world is breathing
standing and swaying every step an adventure
entranced by the swirly dripping dropping walls
i barely stay balanced though trousers do fall
relief, ahhh, glance down what the ****!?
maniacal laughter rings through the room
I’m melting I’m melting in big drops and small
being pulled ever downward but never disappearing
warm like candle wax, thick and viscous
I’m leaving a trail of me on the floor

Trip # Music
“WE ARE *** BOB-OMB 1 2 3 4!”
Haven’t I seen this before?...

complex strains of sounds by vibrations
subtly influence the mood in the room
emotions experienced changing by song
upbeat pulse lively down tempo drops dangerous
I can feel the sound envelope my soul
Alice enraptured marries the music
sitting on moment to swaying the next
pressed up against me, blink, appears on by wall
(don’t drink and drive, take acid and teleport)
this controlling cacophony swells then settles
an ocean unseen deciding the trip

Trip # Alone
“WE ARE *** BOB-OMB 1 2 3 4!”
Haven’t I seen this before?...

Alice embarks on adventure to leave
a trip to the restroom a momentous maze
breathe deep and hold, keep it together
I slip from this plane to a place so strange
the chair is moving and so is her hat
were they ever just objects or always alive
pink and white fur slithers up in answer
caressing my arms sensual depraved
the laughter returns ever occurring involuntary
in fast rolling eyes at madness do gaze
I cavort around with fluffy new friends
tumbling and squirming wiggly worming
the fun never ends the fun never ends
“are you ok?” – Alice inquires
back after minutes turned hours
“is this how it feels to know you’re insane”

Trip # ******
“WE ARE *** BOB-OMB 1 2 3 4!”
Haven’t I seen this before?...

the blurry lights shimmer in colorful haze
I swim towards the surface lost in a daze
“hush now hush now you’re ok”
“how long was I out for” a question…a phrase
“ten minutes this time” “it felt like days”
harder to come back, feels like I’m drowning in rain
blood mixes clear with needle in vein
and fading to black and fading to grey
the blurry lights shimmer in colorful haze
I swim towards the surface lost in a daze
“hush now hush now you’re ok”
“how long was I out for” a question…a phrase
“ten minutes this time” “it felt like days”
harder to come back, feels like I’m drowning in rain
blood mixes clear with needle in vein
and fading to black and fading to grey
the blurry lights shimmer in colorful haze
I swim towards the surface lost in a daze
“hush now hush now you’re ok”
“how long was I out for” a question…a phrase
“ten minutes this time” “it felt like days”
harder to come back, feels like I’m drowning in rain
blood mixes clear with needle in vein
and fading to black and fading to grey
“I haven’t slept in eight days”
a half muttered phrase
“what are you saying, it’s been 10 minutes”
alice mouths back with questioning gaze
fade to black

Trip # Telepathic
“WE ARE *** BOB-OMB 1 2 3 4!”
Haven’t I seen this before?...
“mhm yeah like what like yeah what”
“mhm like yeah like what oh what like yeah”
“mhm yeah like what oh **** like what huh oh what”
“mhm yeah like what oh yeah like what mhm ****”
mhm yeah **** like what oh mhm yeah what”
“wait what?”
“****”


Trip # Blue Gum Matrix
“WE ARE *** BOB-OMB 1 2 3 4!”
Haven’t I seen this before?...

bubbles bubbles popping in pink
filling my mouth with cotton clouds
sugary sweet deliciously soft
seducing my mind into boiling blue bliss
I don’t notice the binary program lurking through unconscious thought
uploading software for changing perception
the transition to fiction so seamless like silk
I’ve jacked into the system with every chew
it’s twothousandwhatever in metrohive Tokyo
the future is different yet still feels the same
Alice sits solitary in darkened apartment
with wires like web strung throughout the room
all tracing with tracers glowing in ambience a glistening path
to electrical heaven, a desktop computer
my visual sensors are booting and loading
with mechanical perfection clarity arrives
a robot, I robot, created as A.D.E.M.
(Artificially Developed Emotional eMulator)
or A **** Excellent Machine (self-titled)
I sit up and blink as synapses fire
electrical currents carried on nanobig wires
I go move towards alice and watch binary code scroll
plugged into the network a direct hacker helper
this job’s objectives flash ‘fore my face
“we’ve got a big heist, security’s tight”
the scene’s fading out, cameras pan to the night

Trip # In Which I See the Future
“WE ARE *** BOB-OMB 1 2 3 4!”
Haven’t I seen this before?...

Alice and I curl up as one
excessive I know on this excessive night
but excessively is as excessively done, the social norm
it’s experience together and not alone
that draws us closer to breathe in unison
a chance to express feeling in this
uncharted sensory undertaking
together hearts beat in arrhythmic understanding
a feeling of pleasure creeps down my spine
and spreads out in ripples turning to waves
crashing and breaking on the sweet shore of…
alone in the bathroom I reflect on actions
for minutes and hours and finally days
I watch myself age and age and go grey
tormented by thoughts of actions and actions
guilt like creeping mold consumes my visage
decrepit and wasted I stumble from chambers
to find five am clock arms right in my face…

The Morning After Part II**
****.
lysergic acid diethylamide.... an adventure every time
Apr 2013 · 711
note to self
Ben Apr 2013
it feels like a needle through your nose
except without the pain
you're nothing but a disappointment after disappointment
our eyes locked in the coffee shop
but my trembling heart could not tell you just how i ...
my mind is a jumble
high school was the worst best years of my life
a razor never cuts deeper than rejection
and a fear of failure stopped me
from kissing the girl i thought was cute
getting kicked out of my house
is an unfulfilled dream
i want you to get so angry it hurts
and a punch to the face would
help me more than god or molly
i want what is bad for me
but i can never pull the trigger
on my romanticized downward spiral
herion addicts are my secret heroes
but i was born in the wrong century
but but but but i make nothing but excuses
see what i did there?
if i was sixteen again i'd cut my wrists
and be happier because i never took chances
or danced on the floor
just sat on the wall in a constant
of existing but never really living
i'd rather be depressed than happy
and every second that ticks by
is a second i regret
asiwatchmydreamswiltanddietellingmyselfthattomorrowillgetoffmyla­zyassandlivethewayiwantyetitsbeenfiveyearsandihavenothingtoshowfo­rmyselfexceptafewtattoosafewpiercingsandthisdeepdarkcornerofmymin­dthatpraysfordeathonadailybasisandthinksabouthowillkillmyselfwhen­imthirtyfiveandrealizewhatifailureiamandhowihadeverychanceotmakes­omethingofmyselfbutinsteadecidedtolayinmybedandstareatmyceilingha­tingeveryminutethatiwasntfuckingagirlordrinkingmyselftoapointwher­eicouldonlythinkabouthowtheworldfeelsjustrightwhenimpukingupmylun­chinthebathroomandsleepingonthetileflooraloneagainandidaskthegodt­okillmebuthedratherseemesufferwhatafuckingprick
*****
**** up
loser
Apr 2013 · 1.2k
loneliness (wolfsbane)
Ben Apr 2013
why why?
comes the
world-weary cry,
of a
solitary wolf
with pain
in it's
eyes

as the
cold wind
blows, to
herald the
snows and
carrion crows,
whose rancorous
laughter mock
the alone

without a
pack, the
single wolf
dies, under
grey skies
with none
to bare
witness except
maggots and
flies

and the
carrion crows
chortle in
mirth for
the unforgiving
world, cruel
mother earth
cares naught
for the
wolf who
found no
home
Ben Mar 2013
slogging.



on.



through.



these.



identical.



empty.


­
barren.



hollow.



stark.



wasted.



unfulfilled.



godfo­rsaken.



destitute.



days.



one.



step.



one.



step.
­


one.



step.



one.



step.



one.



step.



one.



ste­p.



one.



step.



at.



a.



time.



every.



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eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn­nn
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yyyyyyy­yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
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oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu­uuuuuuu
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
hhhhhhhhhhh­hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
sssss­ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss



ticked.



out.



in.



s­econds.



individually.



accounted



for.



brings.



me.

­

to.



my.



knees.



only.



to.



continue.



to.



cra­wl.



forward.



for.



if.



i.



stop.



the.



twilight­.



will.



swallow.



me.



and.



this.



mind.



numbin­g.



purgatory.



will.



turn.



into.



a.



veritable.

­

living.



hell.
Mar 2013 · 479
another tattoo poem
Ben Mar 2013
a second before a brush with that buzzing needle
and the world stands still for that one perfect moment
my heart beats faster, pupils dilate
and a heady sigh escapes my lips
as ink and blood mingle and mix
to form new shapes brought alive
awash in red and black
chemical release as endorphins flow my mind goes blank not a thought for a penny nor a care for the world
and my soul rests easy with one more
story written out on my skin
Mar 2013 · 363
v3605
Ben Mar 2013
two           pink          pills         float        me
head               above                 the                    endless                        clouds
i         sink               in           the        sky
Mar 2013 · 783
closure
Ben Mar 2013
i just doesn't feel the same dear
i hope you take no offense
i have come to realize that life moves on
and so should we
hell i'm only human
isn't that the tragedy of it all
so i bear you no ill will my once love
no matter the hell you put me through
i somehow still loved you
but it seems our day has gone past
and it's time we moved on and stop
grasping at memories with as much
success as holding air in hand
i can't keep you alive in my heart
anymore than i could keep you
in my life and i'm at peace with that
so don't drag it out just find someone else
and put your hand in his
and find a future without me dear
because it seems to me that
no matter what we try our fingers just won't
intertwine
Ben Feb 2013
apathetic heartbeat take a hold of my senses and sink me into a state of being uncomfortably numb on the eve of a night soon forgotten
with a pretentious comment and a pretty air of arrogance girlie girl the world is going to take you down a step or three
romantic notions are dead darling but its your skin not mine, I learned that lesson one too many years ago
and have never felt more lost
but take your attitude to the grave for all I cared, you'll know you're there by the trail of dead know-it-all dreamers that life will never spare
I've learned my lesson
and I can't seem to care
if you choke on yours
Feb 2013 · 647
fairy tale
Ben Feb 2013
once upon a time I wished for happy places and better things
now I only want your arms and this feeling of pain to leave my veins
but I'm afraid of the sky that's increasingly going grey
so I wait with open arms in the pouring rain and feel the whisper of your ghost passing through my brain
tattered and torn lay here bleeding and I hear you leaving me an empty shell an unanswered call
what happened my love for you to take the best time of my life and give it to the unforgiving jackals grasping for your hand and any sense of memory
Ben Feb 2013
i refuse to sleep because
losing my mind
is better than seeing him in
my dreams
and the way you whisper
his name
will forever haunt me
lie to my face
and **** me slowly
Ben Feb 2013
will i see the sunrise
if i cut out my eyes
and throw them in the river
just to see how deep
this water flows
but the red mist of anger
and the green vines of jealous
choke the good from me
and leave a shell of a human
******* LEAVE ME BE!
before i swallow my tongue
so your name can never
pass my lips again
and ruin the silence of the grave
Ben Feb 2013
i want to scream till i puke and cry myself empty
because my mind is a dark place and the thoughts
that haunt me are half formed and sadistic
they wrap my mind so tight in these chains
that i feel like the breath is crushed right out of me
and my ribcage is cracking my shoulders are breaking
and my eyes have been replaced with
cold black stone.. i thought i was made of flesh and blood
but apparently i'm just carved out of metal and bone
Feb 2013 · 471
i would scream this poem
Ben Feb 2013
let's see if i can get to the point
where i feel no more without passing out
so i can think of you again
and all those nights we had
without wanting to take
this blade to my chest and
cut out my still feeling heart
cause it causes me nothing but
anguish and leaves me feeling empty
at 3:30 in the morning
i feel your arms around me
as your ghost whispers in my ear
and tells me how you once
used to love
Ben Feb 2013
i've taken to writing down my darkest thoughts
the only way to exercise my demons without
a knife across your throat and one in my back
did i mention that i love you as much as i hate
and this time i don't know who is coming out
can i drive till i crash and find piece in the
flying shards of glass that never cut quite as
deep as you when my heart crawls out my mouth
and beats weakly in the watery sunlight
this chill goes bone deep with my ears ringing
and my stomach acid burns my throat
because the thought of him in you
makes me sick to one foot in the grave
my soul's gone dark and everything i've
ever learned about being jaded and cynical
comes from you
Feb 2013 · 428
bleed my mind
Ben Feb 2013
it's hard to sleep
when i close my eyes
and see you fit to him
the way you fit to me
kissing lips that
tasted once like mine
i hope you choke on
the thought of what
you did and how you did it
and i wished upon
every star i could see
the worst luck in the world
that every car crash
and broken heart
falls in your lap
i've seen more honesty
in... oh never mind
its not like you'll read
my rant where my heart
is open and on my wrist
pulsing red and turning
to black with the sky
an awful wretched grey
im collapsing and can
only sigh to the wind
because i'll smile to your face
and hold you in my arms
even though you still
smell of him darling
Feb 2013 · 718
another night with molly
Ben Feb 2013
as i do another line
i can't help but picture
all the nights that i spent
up with my eyes wide shut
and i know that you're in his arms
tonight and you couldn't even
lie to me about the truth
tonight i'm going to dance with you
girlie girl you got to watch
what you do cause how many
cigarettes i smoke will never
make me forget your eyes
i spent tonight with molly
while this warmth on my skin
never goes more deep
than the smile on my lips
that never quite reaches
the stars that i told you were
always in our reach
and i'm grasping at straws
while you never spend
the night alone and here i sit
with nothing but my thoughts
and a band playing a catchy tune
i love you dear
and this is my 100th time writing this song
while my heart falls to pieces
in the most tragic of ways
you're all elegance and klonopin
and i'm just a wreck that will
always come back for another
round of pain
you're my high darling
as much as i want to quit
you slip into my veins
and leave with my flesh
and my fingers in my brain
scratch out my memories
Ben Jan 2013
my mood(ring)'s
                               been
             black
the     past       couple
   ****      days
Jan 2013 · 591
all i want
Ben Jan 2013
girlie you've a lot
to learn in these coming days
let me hold your hand
Jan 2013 · 468
writing on the walls
Ben Jan 2013
I have a bad feeling and
self medicating only works for hours at a time
when last week you wouldn't leave my arms
and this week I can't remember your face
and when was the last time we communicated
for more than just minutes at a time
where warm bodies once resided only shadows now remain
while I sit and write this letter for the hundredth time on paper and my demons won't give me rest cause my heart feels half empty without you breathing in my chest
these winter nights are coldly griping at my soul and my stomachs so full of knots I can barely stand for the pain while ghosts of memories mock my ever downward gaze
Jan 2013 · 387
futhark
Ben Jan 2013
the old gods beckon
the forrest promises life
primal, i dance free
Jan 2013 · 1.2k
an odd habit
Ben Jan 2013
i read books in my
shower to combat fleeting
boredom - game of thrones
Jan 2013 · 504
saturday night
Ben Jan 2013
chain smoke cigarettes
in my bathroom to **** the
enveloping pain
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