If I told you about when
I tried to flip my car
at three in the mourning
in a field that would
be an accommodating  
burial ground
(which was all too ironic)
I think maybe
grass would grow faster
or just turn yellow
like it always does.

If I told you about
the time I lay face down
in a rain puddle
on my old playground
where I once
was pushed to the concrete
by a sad and angry boy,
I’d be left to think
that maybe I’ve taken his place
and kicked my own self
to the black pavement
laughing into
a ***** water pool
breathing in hilarious defeat.

If I told you about
when I climbed my roof alone
and smoked my first cigarette
jolly and wild and new..
I can’t help but think now
that I was low and not high.
I stumbled back into the warmth
of my room
dizzy off of this new sickness
that is no longer new
and is quite yellowing and calloused
on my fingers.

If I told you about
the first time I drove at night
sad and angry like the boy and me,
I think that I would chuckle
at how
I tried to flip the car over
so many years ago
quite halfheartedly
and how I am the same always

in the most laughable way

Is it bad to hate who you are?
Is it bad to fall apart when that number appears on the scale?
Is it bad to want to rip yourself apart?
Is it bad to just want to bail?
Failure is something we all know too well.
Self-destruction shouldn't be such a pretty thing to me.
Happiness is not a pill they sell.
No one can save you from yourself, see?

We let the last breath
Slip between our southern hands
And each air bubble
Was strangled
So violently
By the ocean which guides us.
The sand and salt
Erodes away our toes
As if telling us
That the water is ready
To wash us away.
Always seeming to eager.
It puts you on edge.
You are forever in control
But what now? What now?
As the blood inside you
Slowly turns blue
Like you are the ocean
You realise that it's time.
It's time for nothing
And everything.
It's time for you to float away
And swallow the salt.

Come with me,
And I'll show what it's like
To have a heart
That beats out of beat.
We'll walk through
That ******* fog
That feels like
I'm swimming through
Blood.
(It's thicker than water)
It gets so hard to breathe
Somedays, everyday.
We'll stumble
Around that forest
Of trees made up
Of lies, planted by my mind.
I'll paint for you
Horrific pictures of death
And wishes of death
With tears on my paintbrush.
I'll sing for you
With ***** in my mouth
Because my heart
That beats out of beat
Makes me sick.
And even if I did
Drag you through all this,
Even if I did
Pull you through the mud
Surrounding my heart
You'd still never understand
A thing.

i.
we crossed the river
avoiding the worst of
the strainers and yet
you pinned us against
a boulder almost midstream

ii.
i leaned against the wave
hoping to avoid getting
     pushed under
slowly we spun against the side
and emerged to shoot across a
     bow wave

iii.
i turned to cheer you for
clearing this first hazard
only to see the oars drift past
and you were gone

iv.
we pulled into a *******
at the next eddy
to laugh and scout
the rapids below

v.
i walked back, wading on the
river's edge, a view downstream
showed me eternity, the river flowing
to the sea, and yet,
i could see my feet on the stones
     of the riverbed

Now he knows.
She introduced his necklace to inferno.
No shame, she set aflame
Flowers from prom night.
Sifted their sweet ashes into a jar
Maybe even prayed the ashes or the glass they came in would leave a scar
Tied it with a pretty ribbon
(maybe just in metaphor)
Grinned while she envisioned
His defeat from afar
(From here I can hear the smile cross her lips.)

And all this time she said she’s sleep
With the teddybear she gave my name
(Lay awake and wish it was me…please…)
(I often do the same)
Still has the jacket named skillet hanging in her closet
(She could wear it if she’s really cold…)
(She hasn’t lied or lost it)
She still has my purple heart
(She has all of them I’m told)
This...this gives me hope I'm scared to hold.