If I was to die tomorrow,
I'd hope that you would know
that I really did love you
I just have a hard time letting it show
because I've been hurt
had my heart smashed to bits
so I find it hard to admit
that I love you
I'm just afraid
because deep down I know the truth
I know my place
I know my use
and so I keep my half hearted gait
moving opposite your path
for I know that all the love in the world
can't make it work between us
but despite the world being magnetic
and using all it's forces of repulsion
I have a hard time just forgetting,
I love you

Does it make you wonder,

Just what's the ******* point?

I used to like to run
run like the wind,
just to see how fast I could go
and now I run
but to escape , to get away
you see,
I have trouble looking my demons in the eye
I am cowardice, weak, afriad
afraid that the fire burning in their eyes
will consume me, ruin me, burn me
leaving charred ashes of this person I hate
who's too afraid tell you the truth
too afraid to take her rose coloured glasses off and see the world for what it really is
too afraid to admit to herself that the reason she doesn't stand up
and shrug your shackles off her shoulders
why she doesn't tell you everything she should
why she stands at the mirror, poking and prodding
wishing her waist was thinner, her ******* were bigger
her legs were longer, her feet were smaller
her eyes less empty
she is afraid, afraid of one small little word
no
No I won't listen, No I don't care, No I won't love you
No, you can't have your way, you can't stay
and so she locks up her words, in the safe
in the pit of her stomach, in the far reaching backwoods of her mind
like drying cement it weighs her down
solidifying her veins, till her heart can't beat
stiffening limbs stopping her feet
from moving forward down the street
she is stone, a hollow, statuette of herself
till her screams shatter her way out, and break free
and then she runs

im emo,
dripping with angst.
writhing at the sight of you.
heaving chest.

im indie,
holding myself up.
trying too hard to be seen.
strumming the strings of my life.

im metal,
i have no shame.
i feel no pain.
screaming your NAME.

im classical,
light, and airy.
its beautiful, even if long forgotten.
lyricless skips, and bounds, and strolls.

im rock,
solid.
a constant, at any rate.
nothing sets me off like a some electric dynamite.

I don't draw pretty pictures,
or paint elaborate canvases,
I dont sing my heart out
-perfectly in key every time
or strum my guitar
-better than just fine
I don't sculp great bodies
from clay, wood or stone,
nor do I workout too much,
sculpting my own.

I tend to see the beauty
in all the above mentioned art,
internalize it, waiting for a trigger
to let the writing start.
I turn your pictures into words,
your sculptures into pages from the heart
I feel your painting without touching it,
these lines are my works of art.

that voice of yours
at the bottom of the stairs below
takes my breath to places
i do not know
but my muscles don't flinch
nor do i outwardly show
though my heart beats so fast
out my chest it will go
like a ghost through the wall
i feel your voice flow
and it calls not my name
for you i no longer know

thank you for teaching me
that with great joy, comes great sorrow,
  - for every ray of sun today,
    there'll be a drop of rain tomorrow.

thank you for showing me
that some men are simple, crude and basic,
  -  most of you only want one thing,
    and will do anything to obtain it.

thank you for helping me
build a stronger, tougher wall
  - you can't get out, or let others in
    and not expect it to fall.

thank you for not trying
you're the best example of the wrong man,
  - you could know just how I feel
    and still take me for all that you can.

you surge your poison in me,
and soon it takes all of me,
though i know it hurts
i really dont mind.

then withdrawn, you're gone,
and that poisonous grip loosens hold,
the wounds start to heal,
my eyes start to clear.

with quick, sudden movements,
it's back, that tightening grip,
i see you and we both know,
just how its going to end up.

a painful, quiet struggle,
to choose heart or mind,
to stop the addiction to you, my narcotic
or to pretend that everything's fine.

but I can't  let the wounds ever fully heal,
or ever again see clear and just,
you see my addiction has always been more,
it's always been love, never lust

sunrise, a time to sleep
bag over shoulder, cart following feet
the light of day is a safety net
for this stumbling, lost man to be
in such a vulnerable position
as that when dreams flow free
nights spent packed up, for warmth shuffling  around
searching for a hope or a drink,
his last in a puddle on the ground
for peace, in a hectic, screaming hallow
for the world to just open up and swallow
to feel the smoldering center of the earth,
warm his bones
to feel a part of something, for
the first time since he left home, all those years ago
he imagines the heat burning his pain
like each bubbling blister popping
is years of abuse escaping through his skin
scars forming outward and inside,
an extra layer of protection,
between now, and
the sunrise.

It's 5 to midnight, my Cinderella fantasy
is rushing away
I don't have any more glass slippers
or time left today
So many years, same old song to sing
Salt in all my tears, making my heart sting
It's all been wasted, every little thing
Wasted love

I do not know
if these feelings will go
or just interrupt the flow
of my desire to show
how I loved you, though
that is no longer so

I think I hate you

I love you,
but it's different
it's not your typical love
it's more like this feeling
of letting go
cause when I'm with you
I don't have to try
it's effortless
just me,
and you.
When your arms are wrapped around me
and our chests rise and fall in unison
everything else melts away
it's so comfortable, and secure
I am totally safe
just me,
and you.
I've known it since that first moment,
there's no pressure, no head games
though we work so well together
we'll stay, happily with others,
but those moments when I'm with you
our puzzle piece lives fit together so perfectly
just me,
and you.

I crawled into your bed,
with a buzz in my head,
and a hunger, unfed.

I stretch myself across you,
the same way I always do,
not knowing if you wanted me to.

I always felt so in awe,
that you stared, but never saw,
your detachment left me raw.

Those days so long ago,
the hot summer, and cold snow,
the feelings I couldn't show.

My mind, that strings me along,
like a tragic, happily ended song,
boy, I couldn't have been more wrong.

Today things aren't the same,
you beat me at your game,
now I loathe you, it's a shame.

So I crawl into my bed,
alone, cause you want her instead,
and with a hunger, still unfed.

dear subconscious self
what the hell are you doing?
you are starting to make it rather tricky
to hide you behind this veiled confidence
you've been spreading rumors again,
haven't you?
telling the lungs,
they cannot breathe without him
and the legs, to run when it gets tough
and the mouth to babble nonsense
and the mind, to shut reason out
Well, dear little girl inside
you're story telling has started
to affect the parts of my soul
that I lose when your rumors
are thought true
so please, stop chipping away
with your constant,
unfounded self hatred
for eventually if it keeps on this way
there will be nothing left on the outside
to hide yourself behind
and you'll have no one to blame but yourself

Always seems like the love I seek
is just out of my reach
or heading out the door
But I felt something new
some kind of connection to you
like I'd never be the same as before
It seems a silly far-fetched thing to say
but I had crazy dreams for us one day
like parties and rings and building our team
But I always seem to have to learn to let go
and our time was just a quick stop in your traveling show
lesson learned, I guess things aren't always as they seem

you say you'll never want me like that,
be sure to use your harshest tone!
ask myself just why I keep crawling back
when I know you can't get blood from a stone.

For someone who never takes me seriously,
you could learn to take a joke!
maybe if you'd just laugh for once, and not at me,
it might fix that heart of yours that's broke.

So, here I am, you blind, foolish, twit!
the one you CANT love, in front of you
wearing only my heart on my sleeve,
and I don't give a **** if you see it!

I've spent the last 3 months in rehab
rebuilding myself after you tore me down
and admittedly there's still pieces of me I haven't found
little pieces at the bottom of your sea, drowned
It's a struggle everyday to get by
yet as time passes, nanoseconds at a time
I remember less how great you felt,
how without you I though I'd die
And like every ****** and great addiction
I relapse, back into my rose coloured world of fiction
as much as I long to be clean, I guess I subconsciously
like it better when you're mean, ruthless
and equate me to dirt, as though I like it better
when it hurts
or else why, what keeps me falling back
with every unintentional relapse
and though I may not physically let you in
your venom that I crave seeps into my skin
that every time I acknowledge your existence
you win
Now, I know this isn't a game, win or lose
it's that dark, shadowed, familiar path I choose
because pain is always better shared between two
And, thus I'm back to rehab today
so that I might find a better way
to hold myself up and to myself say
It was never love,
just a drug induced hallucination
my chemical flooded brain caused adoration
and the constant feeling of fascination
that you're immune to it all
and it's my favorite addiction
but I can't last as a ******
cause this is real life, fact not fiction.

I've given up
it's kind of freeing
I no longer try
cause I'm tired of not breathing
I swallowed my feelings
down so low I can't feel them
I've buried the pain
so it can't hurt me again
I'm walking away
cause it's too hard to hang on
I can't stay around
because I'll be ****** in by your con
I won't exist
so you can't get in my head
You won't see me again
because you chose her instead

Everything is weak,
-that's why it all falls through.
Exactly what you need,
-strength and control!
Just try harder, a little more each day
to to be a little less like you,
different in so many ways!
Eat all the bad,
swallow it down low,
keep it all in,
never let it show!

she had a hard time admitting
to herself that she couldn't let you in
she always was an open book,
there were never any great walls, or
giant doors, locked with chains
she thought
she often thinks of you now
like a Trojan horse, slyly
slipping past her guards,
only to destroy her from within
once, albeit too late, she discovers
you in fact are the enemy
penetrating her fortress
she once thought, having you
close by, that you were her ally
there could be nothing better
but smoke and mirrors was all you were
a magician, a maker of potions
when she'd playfully glance your way
through the top of her hazy drunken eyes
telling you without words what she was really saying
intoxicated uninhibited blackouts
she has trouble hanging on to memories
without clouds and drink spills disrupting their integrity
that she only sees your smile
and only hears your whispers in her ear
and only feels your gentle, soft caress
which cause that tumor of your memory
in her brain to shrink, and lead her to think
that just one more kiss, just one more night
couldn't hurt, could it?
just one more chance, and she could explain it all away
one more full moon to light the night, to see her
but you never cared about the walls, or the locks
you were content on the outside, and having her securely
trapped in her own locked, doorless room
and she knew all along you never wanted in
you are the cigarette to her lung cancer
the addiction that will **** her
that she cannot seem to give up

i've given up sleep,
i have nothing to get up for.
i've given up trying,
i couldn't want you any more.
i've given up you,
i tried it all and nothings right.
i've given up on love,
you  have taken all my fight.

I awoke
from sleep
nightmares, enforced by you
sweat,
cold,
I turn over and try to fall
fall back
asleep
an impossibility, a futile attempt
there's a full dining room's worth
plates,
spinning plates, in my head
they never stop, always spinning
till one wobbles, balance falters,
and just as you'd expect they fall
one
after another
crashing
another
but there's always one
one left,
still spinning, shakily
waiting for the mess to be cleaned up
where'd that little fairy go?
the one who used to follow you around..
who is gonna clean up this mess
NO!
No, I cleaned up after you long enough!
even a maid receives a paycheck, compensation
I was just a slave
a slave to you, a slave to my mind
the trickery and contortion, you'd think I was a gymnast,
of Olympic Gold proportions!
I was a lap dog, following you around,
eating what ever you gave me,
begging for more
please sir, more?
more abuse,
more deception,
more than just friends
more than just a use,
for a good time
for who?
I worked so hard at trying
trying to make you love me
trying to make you see
obvious oblivion,
I get it!
You're blind!
hopefully
you must be,
Have you even seen some of these women?
those one night roll arounds
you're just so polite
waiting till the morning to push them out
out the door,
and you will, oh how they know you will,
but still you'll call them
those disposable women
you'll call because you know it's free
because you know they want you to
if only you were good enough to have one for every day
of the week -
you know, those ones
the ones you equated me too!
But,
a friend of mine you'll always be
so long as it pays off for you
a few amazing hours
naked
together, alone
a drinking buddy when the regulars are out of town
a gram here, a joint there
an easement of your guilt
for allowing yourself to lie
right through your teeth
to the face of an adoring fan
to use, abuse and get what you can
from your supposed life long friend!
you should have been more careful though
for you smell nothing like a rose
you wreak
your stench so vile
you slop your sludge of a personality
right across my face
before twisting the knife in my back
then pretend like none of it exists
extinct
though that would imply that it once existed
which you've stated
for certain
it does
not.

I always wanted you,
just you, nothing more,
nothing less.
I thought I loved you,
so I tried, to hold you closer,
hanging on too long.
After it all, I get it.
That ruby  red flag you've been waving,
I finally see.
So stay away!
I'm done now,
done faking it,
done hiding
ME!
You won't like what you see,
underneath it all
I DO love myself,
and respect,
my friend
was never on your top shelf.
I think it should be worse,
those feelings were love, true
but now I can't stand the thought of your voice,
your face, or that smirk
I couldn't imagine my life without you in it
or rather without who I thought you were,
but it's not like that now,
I feel nothing,
I did fall in love,
just not with the real you.

i know it's impossible
because it's been ages
but every now and then
I smell you,
your hair
your room
your bed
your clothes
I can taste your kiss
though I haven't kissed you
or laid beside you in your bed
or sauntered around in your clothes
since you broke my heart
months ago

As I walk down these streets, I'm smiling
the streets aren't slippery,
they aren't riddled with puddles,
the sky sits like a blanket,
just resting on the top of the city
As I draw in a deep breath
of cold, crisp air
I'm slapped in the face
as it all comes crashing back
with every click clack and scuff of my shoes on the street top
it's as though my feet aren't mine
they walk, and I have no say
in where they go
or how fast they move,
or where they stop
I know they think they're going to the market
I know they think they'll walk the isles
and I know they think they'll carry me to the checkout
but unfortunately I know
that although they are amazing feet
and they've gotten me where I am today
they will not pay the bill at the grocery store
and their full time job as my carriers
leaves no precious time for moonlighting
so it's been left up to my soul
it's will to survive is much stronger than the feet
it knows that though I've done somethings
somethings that hurt too much to allow them to turn into memories in my mind
that scar, and brand and torment the soul
injury after self inflicted injury
that us two, we belong together
that even though I may have sold you,
dear soul
to someone else
for just enough money to pay the checkout clerk
to fill my stomach, if only for one day
to feed my demons, and steady my crutch
you forgive me, for my survival is yours
you know this pain I feel, for it's your pain too
so when, dear soul
tomorrow comes, and I always wake up,
with that brief moment just before I allow my eyes to open
where it's like staring at the sky, walking to the beat
of my feet click clacking down the street
as I feel the crisp air move into and fill my lungs
and escape quickly a little warmer
when nothing else in the world is in my mind
you are there.

so nauseated, how I feel all the time,
so weak, how I know I'll crack,
so alone, how I am with out you,
so me, why I don't have you,

so pretty, but never the right kind of pretty,
so funny, you seem to laugh at every word I say,
so adoring, though you hardly deserve it,
so in love, with the wrong man.

so willing, to do anything for you,
so hard, to keep on trying,
so soft, my pale untouched skin,
so far away, your touch seems.

so used, it's obvious,
so hurt, the worst kind of pain,
so little time, if any left together,
so me, and I still don't have you.

I'm stained
                    like spilled coffee
on my white blouse
                     and I'm broken
like the fallen off chain
                     on my bicycle
I am hopeless
                      like the drunkard
staring down the bottom of the bottle
                      I'm lost
just like a child
                     who's run too far from home
and I'm alone
                      just like you
on the night you never came back
                      and I carry it with me
like a stain
                      of spilled coffee on my blouse
till the day I find that stain remover
                      known as Heaven's gates
beyond the clouds

I'm just a stupid girl,
who fell for all your lies.
And now there's nothing left to do,
nothing to say but good bye.

You're just a stupid boy,
of course, the one for whom I'd fall.
And every moment spent with you,
I know meant nothing at all.

Some day you'll see,
like we all eventually do.
Some day you'll see what you missed out on,
and those mistakes will haunt you.

I've always known it was wrong,
that you were just stringing my along.
I allowed me to get used up,
and now I'm all gone.

I watch the sun rise again
as I sit alone on the floor
waiting for your gentle knock
on the always locked door
just like I do every night
though I know it is in vain
you're never coming back
not tomorrow, not ever again
that keeps me up all night
talking to myself in my head
knowing you're not on your way
I watch the sunrise instead

I used to worry
that they'd send you away
to a life of imprisonment
because they hated you so
for no reasons they could explain
I used to worry
because their tread marks
were in our driveway anytime
they needed someone to try and pin things on
though you were never less than honorable
polite, personable, my genuinely good brother
I never used to worry
that they'd one up my worries
and send you somewhere further away than prison
I never used to worry that the forces
meant to uphold law and justice
to serve and protect
would walk blindly past the line
of no return, to botch their expected standards
while watching you slip away
I never used to worry
that there was an evil force within some people
that could destroy the glue holding our family
together, then again I was so young
so naive, to think that people were instinctively good
that people, having families of their own
would never purposefully tear apart another's
but I don't suppose they ever thought of me
and your kin, or beyond that need to bring you down
I never used to worry that the system would fail
allowing guilty parties to walk free,
to have families of their own; to not even recognize the fault and
to protect the ones who took you away
I used to worry that they'd try to send you
to a life of imprisonment, and in the end
they did send you away,
but it is a place where I cannot visit
and instead it is us, who love you so,
imprisoned in what we call life, where the fences are
the breaths I take, the steps I walk, the beats of my heart
the walls that confine me and separate me from the world
are the memories and lost time, and of only knowing you
through my childhood eyes
and the guards and wardens are the haze which clouds
my thoughts, unable to still hear your voice or see your face
in my mind
and my day of release will only come
when I walk through the gate, past the fences
to the afterlife, where my life will finally begin again.

you just never seem to surprise me,
you're crass, filth and disgrace,
you make me sick to my stomach,
you lie right to my face,
you're poison, septic and vile,
you **** the good from all around,
you step on everyone to get ahead,
you live off bringing others down,
your world is just that, yours, but
you still don't get the right to abuse,
you have taken my fight, my heart, and mind,
you made me just something to use.

sitting here alone
I know I do not want to be
living on my own
with no one here but me
you don't realize what talking
to another living being does
to keep you from walking
over the edge of the world that never was
it's hard to say just what it'd mean
to simply hear someones voice
to wake me out of this starkly quite dream
to fill this room with noise

he is just an atom
and I am just the
rearranging electrons
I always got the negative parts
when I only wanted
the positive charge
of his nucleus
and his unattainable
concentration
strikes me down
that would make me try
so hard
to comprehend
the impossibility
of bonding with me
and laughed in the face
of his allure
as I swallowed the knives
of my pride
every time I let him
soft shoe dance through my mind
and let it hypnotize me
his mathematical ways
and my nano scale place
in his heart
how could a love so big
barely exist at all
in his eleventh dimension
too far out of reach
for my merely human
unintelligible
unquestionable
unrequited
love
there is no
binding energy
here

I've tried to stop time,
slow it down so today wont end
but at some point I fell asleep
when I woke up tomorrow had come
and it's so different,
than today,
or yesterday
Tomorrow I don't know you
I feel much less than today
but oh so much more
I don't even know if it bothers me
I always thought it did before
but somehow knowing that i cant keep it all
still, frozen in time
I lost the fear of losing myself
with it all, in time passing by.

Every time I breathe, or sigh, or sneeze
    it hurts.

Every time I wake up or fall asleep
    it hurts.

Every time I think, or remember, or dream
    it hurts.

Every time I miss you, or talk about you
    it hurts.

Every time I smile, or frown or cry, or try to laugh
    it hurts.

Every time I think someone is you on the street, knowing it's not
    it hurts.

Every time, always, relentlessly
    it hurts.

I was more honest with you
Than I've ever been with anyone else
Including myself
I guess it wasn't my honesty you were after
You must have wanted more of an actor
Of the adult film variety
I guess you never saw in me
The girl who's seen enough misery
Just the one who takes the abuse
To fulfill her use
As the pin cushion you force your lies into
The languages we speak arent the same anymore
You've buried my tell tale heart beneath the floor
And turned without a goodbye through the door
Leaving only silence, you couldn't possibly have said more

I want a man,
    who can save my life
the kind of guy,
    who wants to make the world a better place because I'm in it
I want a friend,
    who can keep any secret
the type of friend,
    who'll have my back, no matter what
I want a world,
    where the person walking past will smile
the sort of place,
    where personal profit is a foreign concept
I want a life,
    that has no regets
the life where
    you'd never hurt me, nor I you
a life where
    the word Goodbye didn't exist

Girl, you're just too young
to see the mess you're making
of this life of yours, you've only got one
better make the best and stop stringing yourself along
Boy, you're old enough now
to know you should do better
by the one who lays beside you, greeting the day
don't pretend you don't see you're tearing her down

perhaps it was because she was too nice,
too willing to give you the world if asked
but she'd be better off with a backbone
for her you'll never thaw out your heart
just drop your weapons destroying her, boy
that's a start

no brakes, skidding tires, smashing glass, crunched steel
sharp points piercing pinholes in a nerveless vein
locked doors, hot engine, sweet exhaust
chamber full, trigger ready, safety off
one, two, five, ten.. how many would be enough
dissolved at the bottom of a sleep inducing 40 ounce'r
take off, like weighted birds soar is stuttered
the quiet scream of a blade that cuts like butter

childhood memories are not sweet, filled with imaginary friends
they are haunted by real ghosts, tortured by lost souls
looking for an escape long before you ever knew
you would have so many reasons to run away