I do not know
if these feelings will go
or just interrupt the flow
of my desire to show
how I loved you, though
that is no longer so

I think I hate you

Oh, dear dreamy night
how doth the day give light
when you seem so endlessly dark
Oh long lost peaceful rest
my aider and ally to looking my best
I have forgotten where to find you
Oh, warm cozy snuggled bed
thou art the place where I used to lay my head
as from tosses and turns, sleep no longer prevails
Oh, you always chattering, noise filled mind
how you're relentless, that I shall never find
a moments peace to just slip away
to that sugar plum, candy coated, sleep filled
night that greets the day

He's gotta be tall, dark and handsome
be chasing stars or have some
heart, passion and art
with moonbeams in his eyes
He can serenade just breathing
pass you the world within his greeting
contain the spark to start a blaze of tomorrows
He should be an open book
Speak the truth with just a look
The candle and the mirror reflecting it's light
No questions asked, he should be solid as stone
fill you up and make you feel at home
be the one who dedicates every song to you
He could be Mr. Right
but nothing's black and white,
he's Gray

I've walked around your world
like walking on thin ice
I've tasted your words on my tongue
hot and sweet, like sugar and spice
I felt your touch on my skin
soft, cool and electric
I've watched my life devolve
to plain, when once eccentric
I've spent my days with you
picking egg shells off my feet
I've spent my days without you
hiding from a pain that runs too deep

she had a hard time admitting
to herself that she couldn't let you in
she always was an open book,
there were never any great walls, or
giant doors, locked with chains
she thought
she often thinks of you now
like a Trojan horse, slyly
slipping past her guards,
only to destroy her from within
once, albeit too late, she discovers
you in fact are the enemy
penetrating her fortress
she once thought, having you
close by, that you were her ally
there could be nothing better
but smoke and mirrors was all you were
a magician, a maker of potions
when she'd playfully glance your way
through the top of her hazy drunken eyes
telling you without words what she was really saying
intoxicated uninhibited blackouts
she has trouble hanging on to memories
without clouds and drink spills disrupting their integrity
that she only sees your smile
and only hears your whispers in her ear
and only feels your gentle, soft caress
which cause that tumor of your memory
in her brain to shrink, and lead her to think
that just one more kiss, just one more night
couldn't hurt, could it?
just one more chance, and she could explain it all away
one more full moon to light the night, to see her
but you never cared about the walls, or the locks
you were content on the outside, and having her securely
trapped in her own locked, doorless room
and she knew all along you never wanted in
you are the cigarette to her lung cancer
the addiction that will **** her
that she cannot seem to give up

My dearest, you are my saving grace
and owe to you all that I am today,
all my heart, and soul, and my pretty face
you are the one who made me this way

Thank you for everything that you do
for giving up your life for mine,
always putting me ahead of you
for ensuring I turned out just fine

You've always done better than you could
even though the responsibility was left to you alone,
thank you for doing even more than anyone would
and for making our lives perfect at home!

the choice has been made for me
there's no hope for you and i
yet i still hang on tightly
as my dreams all pass me by
i used to think i'd stay around
so eventually you would see
though that hope could never hold it's ground
i never meant as much to you, as you did to me
alas the day finally came
where you chose someone else instead
we've reached the end of this superfluous game
i hope you're happy 'cause you've made your bed

one** simple man, the
two of us against the world
three perfect children, or
four if you count our dog
five minutes was more than enough for
six of our friends to say that
seven days a week we'd spend with each other
but that's not enough
eight days is what we want,
cause we float on cloud
nine when we're together, for
ten times our lifetimes combined, or forever
which ever comes first

I miss you with every fiber of my being
with every emotion I am capable of feeling
with everything I am or will ever be.

I am enraged by the very thought of them
that makes every drop of my blood boil
those truth hiders, secret keepers, and liars.

I weaken with every breath I take
every time I know I should push it all away
that every part of me needs to let go.

'Cause life goes on, or so they say
but with it goes my vivid memories
living without you hasn't made me stronger, but is killing me from the inside out

no brakes, skidding tires, smashing glass, crunched steel
sharp points piercing pinholes in a nerveless vein
locked doors, hot engine, sweet exhaust
chamber full, trigger ready, safety off
one, two, five, ten.. how many would be enough
dissolved at the bottom of a sleep inducing 40 ounce'r
take off, like weighted birds soar is stuttered
the quiet scream of a blade that cuts like butter

childhood memories are not sweet, filled with imaginary friends
they are haunted by real ghosts, tortured by lost souls
looking for an escape long before you ever knew
you would have so many reasons to run away

I tried practicing meditation
to silence my mind
I tried screaming at the top of my lungs
to drown out my thoughts
I tried weeping for days
to drain the poison out
I tried to swallow it all down inside
in hopes it would dissolve in my stomach
I tried eating the fridge empty
to enjoy something for once
I tried not eating at all
it wouldn't stay down anyway
I tried everything I could think of
to avoid the only choice I had
to walk through the fire
and pray I'd make it out the other side

I'm sorry,
I'm not perfect,
I apologize,
I'll always mess up.

I'm sorry,
You think I hate you,
I apologize,
For being the crazy one.

I'm sorry,
We can't seem to not fight,
I apologize,
We are forever so different.

I'm sorry,
Living with me is such a chore,
I apologize,
changing who I am won't last.

sitting here alone
I know I do not want to be
living on my own
with no one here but me
you don't realize what talking
to another living being does
to keep you from walking
over the edge of the world that never was
it's hard to say just what it'd mean
to simply hear someones voice
to wake me out of this starkly quite dream
to fill this room with noise

Do not go quietly into the darkness of the night
Rage against the wind with all your might
Make way through valleys, and dark thickened woods
Tread on rocks and mud and brush
Go farther than you thought you could
Do not make haste when escaping away
Fear not the others and the hurtful things they say
Instead be strong, patient and have faith
As you push on through your way
Know that if you give your all
You cannot regret yesterday.

I've burned the candle from both ends,
burning fingers trying to hold on
soaked right through with whiskey, and tears
shutters ripple up my spine
to the brain I no longer wish to use
I've done my time, paid my dues
kissed my fair share of frogs, for something better
but the best is always yet to come, or so they say
I've desecrated my boundaries, jumped borders, and covered empty pages
just to hear that faint scratch of the pen across the paper
which still sounds louder than your heart
You see, I am a coward
who takes solace in the certainty
that words will drip from these fingers, like the lies from your lips
you call her your wife,
but know nothing of the sanctity of marriage
you babble on, about the greatness of your union
while taking me to your bed, you speak
of connections, when you could never understand
singing your own praises, you're not like every other man, ha!

I have burned the candle at both ends
burning my fingers to hold on,
as my whiskey soaked self engulfs in flames,
I let it burn..

Girl, you're just too young
to see the mess you're making
of this life of yours, you've only got one
better make the best and stop stringing yourself along
Boy, you're old enough now
to know you should do better
by the one who lays beside you, greeting the day
don't pretend you don't see you're tearing her down

perhaps it was because she was too nice,
too willing to give you the world if asked
but she'd be better off with a backbone
for her you'll never thaw out your heart
just drop your weapons destroying her, boy
that's a start

I've been thinking lately,
as that is all I seem to do
that I perhaps will never move on
and be completely over you.
But I also have thought of late
that I never really did love
the anti-happiness, dream killer
who lives off flowers and doves
to tarnish all the shining stars
and muddy all crystal waters
who puffs his chest, and looks down his nose
and stomps out the hearts of your daughters
I have been realizing, with all my ponders
that I was just the blind, faithful, fool
trusting your wine was not tainted
and drank it all down, sip by sip
too embarrassed to admit
I wanted not this picture I painted
of blindfolds held by my own hands
or of water colors softened with my tears
this picture should have been oil paints
bold, strong, appreciated, lasting years and years
But thinking of all the things that I wanted
but of yet have not achieved
I try to grow and move on, and say it wasn't love
but my thoughts only awake you in my memories.

I miss you.

i've given up sleep,
i have nothing to get up for.
i've given up trying,
i couldn't want you any more.
i've given up you,
i tried it all and nothings right.
i've given up on love,
you  have taken all my fight.

why don't you just say what you mean,
you really think I cant see through the smoke screen?
but it's me taking things the wrong way?
overreacting, living in my brain?
funny how the only time I hear a thing from you
you're asking how or if I could prove
that I havent ****** up your life
or made you sick
if I was smarter I'd just quit
giving two *****
cuz your only answer is silence
and ******* it, I thought you said you cared
so stupidly I believed you, even though I was scared
and now you've proved that you're just like the rest
just like ******* and two face, you're far from the best
you used me, and laughed as you moved on to the next,
you disrespect me, but I should take it and move on?
I thought you were one of the good ones, but boy was I wrong!

I was more honest with you
Than I've ever been with anyone else
Including myself
I guess it wasn't my honesty you were after
You must have wanted more of an actor
Of the adult film variety
I guess you never saw in me
The girl who's seen enough misery
Just the one who takes the abuse
To fulfill her use
As the pin cushion you force your lies into
The languages we speak arent the same anymore
You've buried my tell tale heart beneath the floor
And turned without a goodbye through the door
Leaving only silence, you couldn't possibly have said more

If I was to die tomorrow,
I'd hope that you would know
that I really did love you
I just have a hard time letting it show
because I've been hurt
had my heart smashed to bits
so I find it hard to admit
that I love you
I'm just afraid
because deep down I know the truth
I know my place
I know my use
and so I keep my half hearted gait
moving opposite your path
for I know that all the love in the world
can't make it work between us
but despite the world being magnetic
and using all it's forces of repulsion
I have a hard time just forgetting,
I love you

Always seems like the love I seek
is just out of my reach
or heading out the door
But I felt something new
some kind of connection to you
like I'd never be the same as before
It seems a silly far-fetched thing to say
but I had crazy dreams for us one day
like parties and rings and building our team
But I always seem to have to learn to let go
and our time was just a quick stop in your traveling show
lesson learned, I guess things aren't always as they seem

I dont want you,
anymore
I dont want you,
cause you I abhor,
I dont know you,
cause I was just your *****,
I dont want to keep you,
all ******* on the floor,
I wont stop you,
from walking away,
I wont help you,
ease your guilt on the way,
I wont need you,
cause youre weak, and will never stay,
I wont want you,
after you treated me that way
I wont love you,
cause youre no different today
I cant talk,
cause my words mean nothing at all,
I cant stay,
cause youre never gonna fall,
I cant try,
cause your not a man, brave and tall,
I cant lick your wounds,
because you were never a friend at all.

I'm trying not to be so crazy.
I have trouble, dwelling on things that bring me down.
How do I see tomorrow, through all those yesterdays?
I wish I was stronger, being weak all the time gets old.
I strive to control all the small things, so maybe I'll feel less out of control.
I need to be happy; happier at least.
How come and I can't just forget, or reconcile myself with what I've got?
If it would just stop hurting, even if for just a brief moment.
If this aching from my bones would just cease.
If I had it all back..

Every time I breathe, or sigh, or sneeze
    it hurts.

Every time I wake up or fall asleep
    it hurts.

Every time I think, or remember, or dream
    it hurts.

Every time I miss you, or talk about you
    it hurts.

Every time I smile, or frown or cry, or try to laugh
    it hurts.

Every time I think someone is you on the street, knowing it's not
    it hurts.

Every time, always, relentlessly
    it hurts.

self inflicted hell
is not where I wanted to be
pushing you to the back of my mind
forgetting there was ever a you and me
rage fills inside of me
but I know I have no right
to justify the pain I feel
for having said yes that night
pain beats me down
like a constant punch in the gut
I know there's nothing to hang on to
nothing to pull me out of this rut
hollow is how I feel
like if I moved to fast or shook
there'd be no rattle from my heart jostling
it's not there anymore
it and everything else you took.

I feel it
  my hot red cheeks,
that lump in my throat
weight under my tongue
the heat of the tears filling my eyes.

I fear it
  that rush in my head
throbbing in my chest
the seizing of my lungs
    not breathing, falling, weak.

I fake it
  that smile on my face
the laughter and joy in my voice
the will to live on
pushing one foot in front of the other.

I'm just a stupid girl,
who fell for all your lies.
And now there's nothing left to do,
nothing to say but good bye.

You're just a stupid boy,
of course, the one for whom I'd fall.
And every moment spent with you,
I know meant nothing at all.

Some day you'll see,
like we all eventually do.
Some day you'll see what you missed out on,
and those mistakes will haunt you.

I've always known it was wrong,
that you were just stringing my along.
I allowed me to get used up,
and now I'm all gone.

Everything is weak,
-that's why it all falls through.
Exactly what you need,
-strength and control!
Just try harder, a little more each day
to to be a little less like you,
different in so many ways!
Eat all the bad,
swallow it down low,
keep it all in,
never let it show!

I'm so up and down,
  it drives everyone near insane,
Why?

I can't be everything you think I should be,
  and you hate me for it,
Why?

Every mirrored action is one you detest,
  I can do nothing right,
Why?

I'd be fine, I'm just a little different,
  but you think I should be perfect,
Why?

I'm sorry I try to be selfless,
  it just causes contempt,
Why?

I'd live a different life if I could,
  to make it easier for you,
Why?

sunrise, a time to sleep
bag over shoulder, cart following feet
the light of day is a safety net
for this stumbling, lost man to be
in such a vulnerable position
as that when dreams flow free
nights spent packed up, for warmth shuffling  around
searching for a hope or a drink,
his last in a puddle on the ground
for peace, in a hectic, screaming hallow
for the world to just open up and swallow
to feel the smoldering center of the earth,
warm his bones
to feel a part of something, for
the first time since he left home, all those years ago
he imagines the heat burning his pain
like each bubbling blister popping
is years of abuse escaping through his skin
scars forming outward and inside,
an extra layer of protection,
between now, and
the sunrise.

so nauseated, how I feel all the time,
so weak, how I know I'll crack,
so alone, how I am with out you,
so me, why I don't have you,

so pretty, but never the right kind of pretty,
so funny, you seem to laugh at every word I say,
so adoring, though you hardly deserve it,
so in love, with the wrong man.

so willing, to do anything for you,
so hard, to keep on trying,
so soft, my pale untouched skin,
so far away, your touch seems.

so used, it's obvious,
so hurt, the worst kind of pain,
so little time, if any left together,
so me, and I still don't have you.

you just never seem to surprise me,
you're crass, filth and disgrace,
you make me sick to my stomach,
you lie right to my face,
you're poison, septic and vile,
you **** the good from all around,
you step on everyone to get ahead,
you live off bringing others down,
your world is just that, yours, but
you still don't get the right to abuse,
you have taken my fight, my heart, and mind,
you made me just something to use.

I love you,
but it's different
it's not your typical love
it's more like this feeling
of letting go
cause when I'm with you
I don't have to try
it's effortless
just me,
and you.
When your arms are wrapped around me
and our chests rise and fall in unison
everything else melts away
it's so comfortable, and secure
I am totally safe
just me,
and you.
I've known it since that first moment,
there's no pressure, no head games
though we work so well together
we'll stay, happily with others,
but those moments when I'm with you
our puzzle piece lives fit together so perfectly
just me,
and you.

you got off pretty easy,
not left here to look for closure
no smile to wear to hide the pain
no scar to bear at the mention of your name
no tainted view of the world to change
no hatred for the people who took you away
no craving for the sleep to forever stay
no hope of living another normal day
no money will bring you back, but they should all pay
no ******* up your life, acting ******
no attempt to numb it all, light and breezy
no camouflage, so no one sees me
no you got off pretty easy

I'm so tired of being lonely,
  having nothing to fill my thoughts but you

I'm so sick of feeling that pain,
  that rips the inside of me apart

I'm so longing for that smell,
  of your hair on the pillow by my face.

I'm still wanting for those lips,
  to kiss my neck, right below my ear.

I'm still waiting for those eyes,
  to really see me fully.

I'm so lost without that heart,
  that keeps my own heart beating.

I'm so scared for this life,
  for it's nothing, without you

All those breadcrumb pieces of my heart I'd hoped you would use to follow your way back, lay rotting along side the stagnant words you left behind with me
I doubt you would find your way home, even if you wanted to but,
I have no more of myself to send with you when you leave again

Does it make you wonder,

Just what's the ******* point?