I am stoner,
watch me soar!

I am a handle,
that opens your door.

I am the sunshine,
which keeps you so warm.

I am the wind,
that fuels this storm.

I am a smile,
to a stranger on the street.

I am a cupcake,
too pretty to eat.

I am a lake
for you to escape from heat.

I am a steak,
though I don't condone eating meat.

I am a girl,
the madonna and the *****.

I am stoner,
and so much more.

I'm damaged
like bruised apples, or broken glass
and sometimes it feels like my scars
bring me down a class

I am tiny pieces
held together with pieces of tape
and this is all a mask I wear
so you can't see my real face

Can you be the glue
to hold my pieces together
can you be my ship
to sail through any weather

I am an addict
without their helpful crutch
'cause I've never needed anything
like I need the feel of your touch

I am just a child
who still wonders where her daddy was
I know he didn't want me then
just wanted to be lost in his buzz

Can you be the glue
to hold my pieces together
can you be the one
I can count on for forever

I am hollow
like the tree left empty by the birds
I feel nothing but vacant
just resonating your words

these damaged goods
are second hand at best
they fall short of perfect
to be left behind with the rest

I am wounded
like death soaked, ****** animal fur
like the one who will never belong anywhere
even her family won't ever want her

Can you be my glue
to hold my pieces together
Can you be my ship
to sail through any weather?
Can you be the one
I can count for ever?
Can you promise me
that you won't leave, ever?

can you fix the damages here?

the water spins around me,
the air carries me away,
my mind, bouncing off the walls,
my heart, beats for another day.
the sky, jumps, above then below,
the gravel scraping, hurts my ears,
the world whirling around me,
the nauseous feeling of running from my fears.
my head aches from wasting all these years.

As I walk down these streets, I'm smiling
the streets aren't slippery,
they aren't riddled with puddles,
the sky sits like a blanket,
just resting on the top of the city
As I draw in a deep breath
of cold, crisp air
I'm slapped in the face
as it all comes crashing back
with every click clack and scuff of my shoes on the street top
it's as though my feet aren't mine
they walk, and I have no say
in where they go
or how fast they move,
or where they stop
I know they think they're going to the market
I know they think they'll walk the isles
and I know they think they'll carry me to the checkout
but unfortunately I know
that although they are amazing feet
and they've gotten me where I am today
they will not pay the bill at the grocery store
and their full time job as my carriers
leaves no precious time for moonlighting
so it's been left up to my soul
it's will to survive is much stronger than the feet
it knows that though I've done somethings
somethings that hurt too much to allow them to turn into memories in my mind
that scar, and brand and torment the soul
injury after self inflicted injury
that us two, we belong together
that even though I may have sold you,
dear soul
to someone else
for just enough money to pay the checkout clerk
to fill my stomach, if only for one day
to feed my demons, and steady my crutch
you forgive me, for my survival is yours
you know this pain I feel, for it's your pain too
so when, dear soul
tomorrow comes, and I always wake up,
with that brief moment just before I allow my eyes to open
where it's like staring at the sky, walking to the beat
of my feet click clacking down the street
as I feel the crisp air move into and fill my lungs
and escape quickly a little warmer
when nothing else in the world is in my mind
you are there.

I've tried to stop time,
slow it down so today wont end
but at some point I fell asleep
when I woke up tomorrow had come
and it's so different,
than today,
or yesterday
Tomorrow I don't know you
I feel much less than today
but oh so much more
I don't even know if it bothers me
I always thought it did before
but somehow knowing that i cant keep it all
still, frozen in time
I lost the fear of losing myself
with it all, in time passing by.

This is for the doers and the seekers
the straight arrows and the tweakers
this is for the movers and the shakers
the hungry, unemployed and the money makers
this is for the girlfriends, and the secret ******
the ungentlemenly men and the ones who still hold doors
this is for listeners and the hearing deaf
the right wingers and for the liberal lefts
this is for the child who's awake at night afraid
and for the parents who'll regret not being there one day
this is for the academic scholars, and the high school dropouts
the meek, quiet talkers, and the ones who curse and shout
this is for the homeless and those braking banks to afford their mortgage rates
the healthy ones and the ones who's lives are in the hands of the fates
this is for the elderly and ones who's lives are not yet found
this is for you my brothers and sisters
for it takes all kinds to make the world go round

When there's sun
  it shines
    so warm
but when it rains
  it pours
    always a storm
When you're here
  I'm alive
    I breathe and feel
when you're gone
  I am broken
    I never heal
How it hurts
  I'm so helpless
    aching from my bones
how long it is
  the day's
    never ending and alone
If I try
  it takes more
    all of me
if I walk away
  I leave empty
    never to be set free

I find myself slipping
back into the love I had for you
like sliding down the tub
submersing my head
till every sound outside
is muffled and distant
how I love the world below the bubbles
that float on top of the bath
so peaceful, and serene
but I cannot stay under too long
enjoying the separation from reality
for no matter how wonderful it may seem
detached, submersed
eventually I have to come up for air
and hear it all for real,
above the water

I watch the sun rise again
as I sit alone on the floor
waiting for your gentle knock
on the always locked door
just like I do every night
though I know it is in vain
you're never coming back
not tomorrow, not ever again
that keeps me up all night
talking to myself in my head
knowing you're not on your way
I watch the sunrise instead

the moon sits, on the branches of the tree
outside the window of my door
the wind whistles it's normally unheard tune
this is the time for it's solo
the fridge hums and floors creek
and there's a rattle from the lone car thundering by,
at 3am.
my mind races, while other are at rest
a pen in my hand, rather than a pillow under my head
really late turns into really early
my words are now silent, scribbles on paper
every feeling I've ever felt plays like a movie reel in my head,
at 3am.
my never dying love for you is loudest and
your faults are perfections
my once strong will is non-existent, just like
all the ****** up things you've ever done, so
I let myself miss you, and it feels even darker
than the blackest of moonless nights,
at 3am.
If I close my eyes, I can see your face
I smell you in each breath
let my tears drop to the page
don't even try to push it away
while my mind turns to liquid and pours out the tip of my pen,
at 3am.

I've spent the last 3 months in rehab
rebuilding myself after you tore me down
and admittedly there's still pieces of me I haven't found
little pieces at the bottom of your sea, drowned
It's a struggle everyday to get by
yet as time passes, nanoseconds at a time
I remember less how great you felt,
how without you I though I'd die
And like every ****** and great addiction
I relapse, back into my rose coloured world of fiction
as much as I long to be clean, I guess I subconsciously
like it better when you're mean, ruthless
and equate me to dirt, as though I like it better
when it hurts
or else why, what keeps me falling back
with every unintentional relapse
and though I may not physically let you in
your venom that I crave seeps into my skin
that every time I acknowledge your existence
you win
Now, I know this isn't a game, win or lose
it's that dark, shadowed, familiar path I choose
because pain is always better shared between two
And, thus I'm back to rehab today
so that I might find a better way
to hold myself up and to myself say
It was never love,
just a drug induced hallucination
my chemical flooded brain caused adoration
and the constant feeling of fascination
that you're immune to it all
and it's my favorite addiction
but I can't last as a ******
cause this is real life, fact not fiction.

some people write birthday cards
but there is no mail delivered where you are
so a poem to wish you the best on this special day
no matter if you are near or far

Happy birthday to my big brother
this day of yours is like no other
for this is the day the world was blessed with your grace
though you were taken too soon from this place
another year passes as we miss you more and more
and will write you birthday poems, till you answer heavens door
where we'll meet with balloons and your million dollar smile
and we'll have a birthday party like we haven't had in a while
we'll toast our glasses to our reunited family
while we recant times passed cannily
but till that time comes brother dear
know that I hold your memory ever so near
along with every cleverly placed dime
that I know you've dropped just for me to find
so in closing, all I wanted to say
was I miss you so much, and
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

you make me sick
to my stomach,
so much so
that I joke to my friends
that the very thought of you
makes me throw up a little
in my mouth

you make my world
go round
because it's constantly a chase
but that's okay because the love
I feel, keep my feet floating
off the ground

your smug, self absorbed
stench of a personality
turns me off
a repulsion
that even I have a hard time
putting it in to words

you have a million dollar
smile, baby
and eyes that penetrate my soul
my brain turns to mush around you
but I'm too stupefied to care

you're the 7 deadly sins
and you preach
such strong sermons
while you back stroke your way
past the buoys of your principles
so fake

you walk into the room and
my heart beats
an extra little ditty
just to know I can breath you in
while it tries to race itself
to an early grave

I see your face
and right through you
I look  into your eyes
to a soul I can no longer find
my body does a 180
but my heart stays,
silly, silly heart

I dont want to see you
you're not worthy of my time

I don't want to not see you
you're the only reason
I even want time to exist

I don't want to hate you
you're the one I loved the most
but alas
things aren't always as they seem

so
good luck, you will need it
but I need no more
magicians
with awe inspiring disappearing acts
and tricks that cut me in half
but don't put me back together
again

you were once my dear friend
a confidant, my lover
a video game partner
or a tricky cribbage opponent
you were my favorite
and now you're just the bad taste
in my mouth

there are things
that I find impossibly hard to describe
that make my day
that much more intolerable
like the first crack
that was made in my strong,
once thought invincible, heart
sustained from realization
you are too far away to come back
the second
when I knew I would have to learn
new things without you here to share it with
cracked
when I wish you'd have been around
to back me up, no matter what
cracked again
from seeing your classmates
living their lives
moving away, by choice
cracked
knowing that those other new families
started by your peers
will never include yours
cracked
my children will never know
what an amazing uncle they had
cracked
when my mind searches
and recalls only vague recollections
of your face, and smile
cracked
when I can no longer
hear your voice as it once sounded
cracked
every time I mess up
knowing I owe it to you, to do better
cracked
on the day you'd have been a year older
or the days you loved in the winter, on the snow
cracked
till there's nothing left to be cracked
and my heart breaks

chase the wind
from yesterday to tomorrow
for the ones who took their final breath
and the ones who's breath is borrowed

chase the wind
from the east to the west
for the lonely children crying
and the single moms who try their best

chase the wind
from the earth to the sky
for the fat cats getting richer
and the ones just scraping by

chase the wind
from the beginning to the end
for all those freedom fighters
who bury their best friends

chase the wind
with every step you take
for the ones who give their all
without a single break

chase the wind
with everything you've got
for everyone else who chases the wind
and for the ones who cannot.

I don't draw pretty pictures,
or paint elaborate canvases,
I dont sing my heart out
-perfectly in key every time
or strum my guitar
-better than just fine
I don't sculp great bodies
from clay, wood or stone,
nor do I workout too much,
sculpting my own.

I tend to see the beauty
in all the above mentioned art,
internalize it, waiting for a trigger
to let the writing start.
I turn your pictures into words,
your sculptures into pages from the heart
I feel your painting without touching it,
these lines are my works of art.

I miss that piece of me
  that disappeared when you left
I miss those smiles that warmed me
  and made me feel my best
I miss how I used to be
  back when things were right
I miss those days I spent with you
  and looking forward to our nights
I miss the way I loved you
  but love me you did not
I miss not missing you
  now that hollow memories are all I've got

I awoke
from sleep
nightmares, enforced by you
sweat,
cold,
I turn over and try to fall
fall back
asleep
an impossibility, a futile attempt
there's a full dining room's worth
plates,
spinning plates, in my head
they never stop, always spinning
till one wobbles, balance falters,
and just as you'd expect they fall
one
after another
crashing
another
but there's always one
one left,
still spinning, shakily
waiting for the mess to be cleaned up
where'd that little fairy go?
the one who used to follow you around..
who is gonna clean up this mess
NO!
No, I cleaned up after you long enough!
even a maid receives a paycheck, compensation
I was just a slave
a slave to you, a slave to my mind
the trickery and contortion, you'd think I was a gymnast,
of Olympic Gold proportions!
I was a lap dog, following you around,
eating what ever you gave me,
begging for more
please sir, more?
more abuse,
more deception,
more than just friends
more than just a use,
for a good time
for who?
I worked so hard at trying
trying to make you love me
trying to make you see
obvious oblivion,
I get it!
You're blind!
hopefully
you must be,
Have you even seen some of these women?
those one night roll arounds
you're just so polite
waiting till the morning to push them out
out the door,
and you will, oh how they know you will,
but still you'll call them
those disposable women
you'll call because you know it's free
because you know they want you to
if only you were good enough to have one for every day
of the week -
you know, those ones
the ones you equated me too!
But,
a friend of mine you'll always be
so long as it pays off for you
a few amazing hours
naked
together, alone
a drinking buddy when the regulars are out of town
a gram here, a joint there
an easement of your guilt
for allowing yourself to lie
right through your teeth
to the face of an adoring fan
to use, abuse and get what you can
from your supposed life long friend!
you should have been more careful though
for you smell nothing like a rose
you wreak
your stench so vile
you slop your sludge of a personality
right across my face
before twisting the knife in my back
then pretend like none of it exists
extinct
though that would imply that it once existed
which you've stated
for certain
it does
not.

*******
and your ***** ******* ways
**** your mind games
and your pulling the **** away
**** your feelings
and your robot ******* heart
**** your brain
you zombie, you think you're so smart
**** your relationships
and **** time too
**** everything you touch
that is all you wanna do
**** your lovely ******* life
and **** your hate-filled remarks
******* for ******* me
right from the ******* start

this poem has been a long time in the making,
it's not easy like stating, how the sky is blue,
or the grass is green
it's more like how I feel so BIG,
but never seen,
how I loathe that girl in the mirror, and her taunting, nasty screams
she is evil
as she pokes your sides, laughs at that belly you try desperately to hide
calls you chunky, just look at those thighs
girl in the mirror, so full of self hate
your mind is such a powerful thing to waste
on thoughts solely existing to enforce doubt and a need to keep pace
with those matchstick, anorexic figures
always shoved in your face
when it comes to beauty, when did less become more?
when did real, wholesome girls get traded for the *****?
when did your self worth become something you could pay for?
when did being beautiful become dependent on if you shopped at 'that' store?
they used to say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder
and I've noticed as I've gotten older
that you cannot quantify beauty based on what we see
'cause this world will look a little different to you
then it does to me, and there's no cookie cutter
labeled "beautiful girl", no molded shape to uphold
so big, tall, slender, small, dressed in rags so fine, or dressed to the nines
you're all gold
so long as you're sold
on the fact that you are beautiful!

LSD
acid rain
slowly detaching
feel no pain
lights all blur
colours smear
cold wind blowing
whispers her song in my ear
nerves tense up
panic saunters in
if I dont keep sippin' this water
the bad tippin' will win
a bubble surrounds me
but I can still see clearly through
a new found understanding
of just what is really true
you placed a cymbal on a drum
to play for us your show
sparks fly off, with every hit
and time moves endlessly slow
I smoke, but I feel no satisfaction
my fingers swell like sausage links
I wonder if it's all for real, or
if it's just what my mind thinks
this is a musical trip today
we jam, and fry, and blaze
we laugh, because we can't understand, like
no sentences are made from the words we say
soon I long for my cocoon
to swaddle my self in warm
while your laces turn to snakes
unafraid, they mean no harm
the morning eventually comes
but feels like she's been here all along
the rising sunlight hurts my eyes
as the morning birds sing their songs

Maybe I'll get breakfast....

I used to like to run
run like the wind,
just to see how fast I could go
and now I run
but to escape , to get away
you see,
I have trouble looking my demons in the eye
I am cowardice, weak, afriad
afraid that the fire burning in their eyes
will consume me, ruin me, burn me
leaving charred ashes of this person I hate
who's too afraid tell you the truth
too afraid to take her rose coloured glasses off and see the world for what it really is
too afraid to admit to herself that the reason she doesn't stand up
and shrug your shackles off her shoulders
why she doesn't tell you everything she should
why she stands at the mirror, poking and prodding
wishing her waist was thinner, her ******* were bigger
her legs were longer, her feet were smaller
her eyes less empty
she is afraid, afraid of one small little word
no
No I won't listen, No I don't care, No I won't love you
No, you can't have your way, you can't stay
and so she locks up her words, in the safe
in the pit of her stomach, in the far reaching backwoods of her mind
like drying cement it weighs her down
solidifying her veins, till her heart can't beat
stiffening limbs stopping her feet
from moving forward down the street
she is stone, a hollow, statuette of herself
till her screams shatter her way out, and break free
and then she runs

you surge your poison in me,
and soon it takes all of me,
though i know it hurts
i really dont mind.

then withdrawn, you're gone,
and that poisonous grip loosens hold,
the wounds start to heal,
my eyes start to clear.

with quick, sudden movements,
it's back, that tightening grip,
i see you and we both know,
just how its going to end up.

a painful, quiet struggle,
to choose heart or mind,
to stop the addiction to you, my narcotic
or to pretend that everything's fine.

but I can't  let the wounds ever fully heal,
or ever again see clear and just,
you see my addiction has always been more,
it's always been love, never lust

I was wrong
I see now
I can't change people
but they change me
one turned me against the world
another against myself
one made me see my light
others just brought me down
I suppose it's all just lessons learned
but why must they be so tough
if I could just get past the redundancy
how trying is just never enough
I thought I could play along
and get by unscathed
that if we spent enough time together
eventually you'd be on my page
or at least I would walk away
unattached, more confident, more wise
I thought I could handle your seeing other girls
and I'd be fine with seeing other guys
I was wrong

im emo,
dripping with angst.
writhing at the sight of you.
heaving chest.

im indie,
holding myself up.
trying too hard to be seen.
strumming the strings of my life.

im metal,
i have no shame.
i feel no pain.
screaming your NAME.

im classical,
light, and airy.
its beautiful, even if long forgotten.
lyricless skips, and bounds, and strolls.

im rock,
solid.
a constant, at any rate.
nothing sets me off like a some electric dynamite.

I used to worry
that they'd send you away
to a life of imprisonment
because they hated you so
for no reasons they could explain
I used to worry
because their tread marks
were in our driveway anytime
they needed someone to try and pin things on
though you were never less than honorable
polite, personable, my genuinely good brother
I never used to worry
that they'd one up my worries
and send you somewhere further away than prison
I never used to worry that the forces
meant to uphold law and justice
to serve and protect
would walk blindly past the line
of no return, to botch their expected standards
while watching you slip away
I never used to worry
that there was an evil force within some people
that could destroy the glue holding our family
together, then again I was so young
so naive, to think that people were instinctively good
that people, having families of their own
would never purposefully tear apart another's
but I don't suppose they ever thought of me
and your kin, or beyond that need to bring you down
I never used to worry that the system would fail
allowing guilty parties to walk free,
to have families of their own; to not even recognize the fault and
to protect the ones who took you away
I used to worry that they'd try to send you
to a life of imprisonment, and in the end
they did send you away,
but it is a place where I cannot visit
and instead it is us, who love you so,
imprisoned in what we call life, where the fences are
the breaths I take, the steps I walk, the beats of my heart
the walls that confine me and separate me from the world
are the memories and lost time, and of only knowing you
through my childhood eyes
and the guards and wardens are the haze which clouds
my thoughts, unable to still hear your voice or see your face
in my mind
and my day of release will only come
when I walk through the gate, past the fences
to the afterlife, where my life will finally begin again.

I want a man,
    who can save my life
the kind of guy,
    who wants to make the world a better place because I'm in it
I want a friend,
    who can keep any secret
the type of friend,
    who'll have my back, no matter what
I want a world,
    where the person walking past will smile
the sort of place,
    where personal profit is a foreign concept
I want a life,
    that has no regets
the life where
    you'd never hurt me, nor I you
a life where
    the word Goodbye didn't exist

It's 5 to midnight, my Cinderella fantasy
is rushing away
I don't have any more glass slippers
or time left today
So many years, same old song to sing
Salt in all my tears, making my heart sting
It's all been wasted, every little thing
Wasted love

I think you've changed
'cause I don't recognize you anymore
you don't look the same as you did
lying on the bed next to me before

I know I've changed
'cause I think I'm really done
I realized finally how
your quiet rejection's just no fun

but when I leave
I doubt your heart will bleed
I always cared more than you,
and you won't shed no tears,
you probably won't even miss me

I know you love
but not the kind of love I need
I want someone who will hold my soul
without my having to say please

I think I'm tainted
'cause with your face my heart is stained
and no matter who I'm with ever
in my head I'll be thinking your name

but when I leave
I doubt your heart will bleed
I cared so much more than you
and you won't shed no tears
you probably won't even miss me

And you kept me at arms length
helped my up with half your strength
hid behind that never crumbling wall
and yet I still let myself fall....stupid!

but when I leave
I doubt your heart will bleed
I cared more than you could
but you won't shed no tears
you probably won't even miss me
no you probably don't even miss me

dear subconscious self
what the hell are you doing?
you are starting to make it rather tricky
to hide you behind this veiled confidence
you've been spreading rumors again,
haven't you?
telling the lungs,
they cannot breathe without him
and the legs, to run when it gets tough
and the mouth to babble nonsense
and the mind, to shut reason out
Well, dear little girl inside
you're story telling has started
to affect the parts of my soul
that I lose when your rumors
are thought true
so please, stop chipping away
with your constant,
unfounded self hatred
for eventually if it keeps on this way
there will be nothing left on the outside
to hide yourself behind
and you'll have no one to blame but yourself

he is just an atom
and I am just the
rearranging electrons
I always got the negative parts
when I only wanted
the positive charge
of his nucleus
and his unattainable
concentration
strikes me down
that would make me try
so hard
to comprehend
the impossibility
of bonding with me
and laughed in the face
of his allure
as I swallowed the knives
of my pride
every time I let him
soft shoe dance through my mind
and let it hypnotize me
his mathematical ways
and my nano scale place
in his heart
how could a love so big
barely exist at all
in his eleventh dimension
too far out of reach
for my merely human
unintelligible
unquestionable
unrequited
love
there is no
binding energy
here

you say you'll never want me like that,
be sure to use your harshest tone!
ask myself just why I keep crawling back
when I know you can't get blood from a stone.

For someone who never takes me seriously,
you could learn to take a joke!
maybe if you'd just laugh for once, and not at me,
it might fix that heart of yours that's broke.

So, here I am, you blind, foolish, twit!
the one you CANT love, in front of you
wearing only my heart on my sleeve,
and I don't give a **** if you see it!

I wanna rip your heart out
  just like you did mine
and dance around it singing
  oozing my personality of slime
I wanna lie right to your face
  pretending that I care
and say I'll always be your friend
  but never actually be there
I just wanna use you
  for all my selfish gains
and take all I can from you
  leaving only regrets and pains
I wanna be vague, darlin'
  inhuman; never feeling a thing
I'll be fake, hollow and crude
  I'll salt your wounds and make 'em sting!

I've given up
it's kind of freeing
I no longer try
cause I'm tired of not breathing
I swallowed my feelings
down so low I can't feel them
I've buried the pain
so it can't hurt me again
I'm walking away
cause it's too hard to hang on
I can't stay around
because I'll be ****** in by your con
I won't exist
so you can't get in my head
You won't see me again
because you chose her instead

I remember saying to you, "I want you SOOO bad!"
I want all your parts, the light and dark, I want you even after so long
even though you're gone I want you
like a kid wants to see Santa on Christmas eve, hoping for a glimpse of the elusive man, not even questioning his validity
I want you like hot fudge on ice cream, the perfect compliment to my frigid self loathing, hot and sweet covering every inch, making me melt, I want you like the bros at the gym want gains
out of this world gains, hard work pays off gains
the protein to your muscle, stronger than the weight on your shoulders, I want you the way a tree buds and grows its leaves into the most lush escape, only to send them off with the most colourful goodbye awaiting their return in the spring, I want you like my dog wants food
and let me tell you one singular thought fixates his mind, and that is eating
I want you like an soft song played on the strings of a perfect evening, while we slow dance in the dark
I want you like an ice cold beer on a hot summer day! the spritz of the cap, bubbling with anticipation, the sweat forming on the bottle dripping down your finger as you touch it to your lips and then,
ahhh pure refreshment, quenching my Sahara thirst
I want you like how green grass, and shrubs and flowers and trees all grow towards the sun, innately seeking the heat source of life, the very sustenance that keeps them alive, I want you
like the air
all around me, I wanna feel you permeate every cell in my body, wanna feel you expand my lungs, and pump my heart, fire neurons in my brain sending electric signals to every muscle tingling my nerves
I want you like the first snowfall
magical and nostalgic, cozy and beautiful
I want you the way I wanna write poetry that saves lives, the way I want the words to build themselves with every pen stroke and speak to you, I want you the way no one has ever wanted me
worth the effort, if you would just try to see I could build a universe around us, so we would have our own stars that shine for our eyes only, and we would never miss a chance to watch the beauty of our stars crossing the sky,
I want you with feelings, and that uncomfortable "communicating" thing that I do so well for a living but struggle to do with you, I want you raw and exposed
our souls bared, a connection even fully clothed, I want you so bad
was all that I could muster under that gin soaked cloak of bravery
I should have said, that all I really wanted
was for you to want me too

I always wanted you,
just you, nothing more,
nothing less.
I thought I loved you,
so I tried, to hold you closer,
hanging on too long.
After it all, I get it.
That ruby  red flag you've been waving,
I finally see.
So stay away!
I'm done now,
done faking it,
done hiding
ME!
You won't like what you see,
underneath it all
I DO love myself,
and respect,
my friend
was never on your top shelf.
I think it should be worse,
those feelings were love, true
but now I can't stand the thought of your voice,
your face, or that smirk
I couldn't imagine my life without you in it
or rather without who I thought you were,
but it's not like that now,
I feel nothing,
I did fall in love,
just not with the real you.

that voice of yours
at the bottom of the stairs below
takes my breath to places
i do not know
but my muscles don't flinch
nor do i outwardly show
though my heart beats so fast
out my chest it will go
like a ghost through the wall
i feel your voice flow
and it calls not my name
for you i no longer know

i know it's impossible
because it's been ages
but every now and then
I smell you,
your hair
your room
your bed
your clothes
I can taste your kiss
though I haven't kissed you
or laid beside you in your bed
or sauntered around in your clothes
since you broke my heart
months ago

I'm stained
                    like spilled coffee
on my white blouse
                     and I'm broken
like the fallen off chain
                     on my bicycle
I am hopeless
                      like the drunkard
staring down the bottom of the bottle
                      I'm lost
just like a child
                     who's run too far from home
and I'm alone
                      just like you
on the night you never came back
                      and I carry it with me
like a stain
                      of spilled coffee on my blouse
till the day I find that stain remover
                      known as Heaven's gates
beyond the clouds

I** will look for you in the faces of those I pass by forever

Moments pass when I can't disguise it, even
If I try to shake those tears out of my head, I know
Soon I will break, if I can't push it back
Someday, hopefully I will be stronger

Your were gone before I even got to know you,
Out of my life you were ripped
Uselessness of memories, that only serve to remind me of what I no longer have