I have had my breath,
taken away
I have seen the flicker
of stars,
where there are none
I have felt the world
crashing down around me
I have felt like
I would combust,
if I did not just break,
and let it all out,
but tears are nowhere to be found
I have thought that
maybe this is all for not
I have felt guilty
for not living the life other don't get
I have shook my head,
so hard
to shake those thoughts
that drive me mad,
out!
I have known a pain
so relentless
so gnawing
I have felt the ache
of knowing,
that they were all alone  
I still wish I could have been there,
to say goodbye,
before they headed home

..Goodbye..

Ten** times a day or more, since I was
nine I've wished you were here, but after
eight years of waiting, I gave up,
though I still think about you
seven days a week
six of those days I hide it well, but for just
five minutes of the last day, I cry
because it hurts too much to know, that our family of
four is now a family of
three and her and I; your
two little sisters miss you so much
I only wish, big brother for just
one more day with you here

i always wanted to be
that girl
too brilliant to resist
too pretty to dis
that girl that stops traffic
walking down the street
that's the pretty girl, i wanted to be
and today i'm sure, that girl is me
but turns out
it ain't all it's cracked up to be
cause i've learned about her life
all her pain
all the abuse
how she'll never be a wife
how you smile to her face
while you stab her in the back
twisting as you push in the knife
i've watched her drag herself
across the coals for your love
beg for peace, like soaring doves
cry for relief as she crawls down the street
after your threw her out
like an out of date piece of meat
collectively flooding her world
all those tears that she's cried
all the disappointment that she's felt, for even having tried
i've watched her fade away
like that soul of hers that died
the day you showed her you'd never love her
for anything more, like her heart and mind
so she jumped from man to man
searching for the plug
to stop up that hole you dug
with rusty shovels and all your poisonous words
words so sharp they cut instantly deep
infecting her with your thoughts and beliefs
just so those physical benefits you'd reap
so you twist her thoughts of love and her worth
and deceive her and make her feel less than dirt
like the ground you walk on
cause you walked all over her
and your name's all over those scars she incurred
you wanna hold her close and tight
but only when it suits you right?
then pretend that you don't know her
this girl, she's been broken
by the thing she thought she wanted
she just wanted to be a pretty face
that anyone would notice
but a pretty face doesn't get you respect
it just got her used
he drew her in, and she loved him
so she let herself be abused
like a cloud covering the sky
she'd fake it just to get by
and she might just never try
again, to look her best
cause those days weren't her fondest
when you could treat her such a way
like the disposable pretty face of a women
that won't stand for it another day
so now when people to her say
"..you're such a pretty face.."
she can tell them all this story
and how unpretty it really is in this place

sauntering down the hall
rubbing the sleep from my eyes,
it's mid morning, and I'm not really awake yet
why am I not at school?
something is weird I think to myself,
as I hear my mom talk from the kitchen
I know this isn't a regular day.
I remember, the sun, shining
through the blinds
and her closest friend at the time
I remember her talking,
sobbing,
but I can't hear her words.
Something about an accident
and him being gone,
something about family, how they'll be
here before too long.
I still don't get what's really going on.
Sitting on the swings,
talking to the dog
waiting for it all to end
to blink, and wake up in my bed,
groggy, running late
like always.
Then more than the family
all started to arrive,
people,
lots of people,
all with their hands full,
flowers, and cards
and boxes and bags,
food,
more food-
offerings of condolences, from the guiltiest of hands
like feeding the dead was a possibility?
I don't remember any faces,
just smeared complexions of those who took you away-
nor any comments specific,
I just remember feeling lost,
confused, drowning in it!

don't speak unless spoken to,
out of sight out of mind
you're just too young to understand,
it's not your problem to worry about,
your mother just can't talk right now
just go sit down and be quiet!

I'm sitting in a car now,
with a friends family,
and my dearest other half,
driving right on by.
I see the marks on the road,
I see the pole hanging there,
I see the carnage, and the subtlety of it all
I try not to think about you,
there, not even a full day ago
here.
I remember that phone call last night
after the siren, false alarm!
Your assurance that you were fine
less than three hours before we'd have to say
goodbye.
I remember the words
I'm sorry,
sorry about your loss,
sorry to hear he's gone,
sorry
sorry
sorry, burned into my vocabulary,
branding me, like it or not,
nothing like irony to heat that iron white hot,
Funny,
how the sorry's never came from the right mouths
and the greatest friend of all time
had such the opposite for himself.
All this I remember, some so vivid,
it's too raw to recall.
Yet I try so hard and
comb through my mind,
but like a sieve, some things fall through
the sound of your voice, or just how you walked,
I have trouble recalling the little things
that would have made you
you.
I know that none of us will live forever
but I never thought you'd be completely taken away
I never thought I'd lose my memories too
I thought I had those till my final day!

How do you help
    when you're helpless
How do you heal
    when you're not whole
How do you fix it
    when it cannot be fixed
How do you find your way
    when you've lost all hope
How can I breathe
    when there is no air
How can I take all your pain away
    when it's never ending,  a constant wear
When do you get a break
    when it's relentless
When do you give up
    and stop trying
When does it all wash away
    unremitting pain, anger and crying
How do I give you hope
    when I myself have none
How do I chin-up and smile
    when there's nothing left to be done?

I wonder if you knew,
just how much it really hurts,
to try and try and fail,
never getting better always worse,
to give and give and give,
till there's nothing left,
to be broken down bit by bit,
by the one you loved the best.
Would you still use and abuse,
and do your damnedest to put me down,
would you pretend not to feel,
never making a sound.
If the tables were turned,
and my shoes were on your feet,
would you maintain this game,
a smile, like it's a treat?
Would you stand, unwavering, in love,
or would you duck and run,
would you wait for me, like a fool,
after I used you, just for fun?

so far from understanding,
the whole concept too far out
I've always felt so out of place here,
never quite grasped the reason why
there must be more than just this,
for if there's not, then what's the point?
it seems a futile attempt at avoiding the inevitable
a wasted effort at all costs.
Perhaps that is why I never flowed well here
found the local humans to be quite strange,
I suppose most folk don't get the point either,
and maybe I get it more than I think

I've become someone I no longer recognize,
whose actions couldn't possibly be mine.
I've said things I'd never thought I'd say,
to people I was too scared to tell.
I've allowed the mistreatment of a kind heart,
while trying to rationalize it to myself.
I've heard things that were never spoken,
and allowed it to push me farther.
I've crossed lines I would have never thought to,
blindfolded to avoid my principles.
I've had pain and sorrow and heartache,
for no reason at all.

You're everything I want,
and still you drive me insane.
You're gentle and you're kind,
yet cause me so much pain.
You glide with grace,
-of only a fine man,
Then snap and snarl,
-like only a beast can.
Your hold embraces, and comforts all of me,
that forever I shall be blindfolded, never to see,
You're the questions and answers I cannot escape,
You're the fine line,
between love and hate.