I was more honest with you
Than I've ever been with anyone else
Including myself
I guess it wasn't my honesty you were after
You must have wanted more of an actor
Of the adult film variety
I guess you never saw in me
The girl who's seen enough misery
Just the one who takes the abuse
To fulfill her use
As the pin cushion you force your lies into
The languages we speak arent the same anymore
You've buried my tell tale heart beneath the floor
And turned without a goodbye through the door
Leaving only silence, you couldn't possibly have said more

why don't you just say what you mean,
you really think I cant see through the smoke screen?
but it's me taking things the wrong way?
overreacting, living in my brain?
funny how the only time I hear a thing from you
you're asking how or if I could prove
that I havent ****** up your life
or made you sick
if I was smarter I'd just quit
giving two *****
cuz your only answer is silence
and ******* it, I thought you said you cared
so stupidly I believed you, even though I was scared
and now you've proved that you're just like the rest
just like ******* and two face, you're far from the best
you used me, and laughed as you moved on to the next,
you disrespect me, but I should take it and move on?
I thought you were one of the good ones, but boy was I wrong!

He's gotta be tall, dark and handsome
be chasing stars or have some
heart, passion and art
with moonbeams in his eyes
He can serenade just breathing
pass you the world within his greeting
contain the spark to start a blaze of tomorrows
He should be an open book
Speak the truth with just a look
The candle and the mirror reflecting it's light
No questions asked, he should be solid as stone
fill you up and make you feel at home
be the one who dedicates every song to you
He could be Mr. Right
but nothing's black and white,
he's Gray

no brakes, skidding tires, smashing glass, crunched steel
sharp points piercing pinholes in a nerveless vein
locked doors, hot engine, sweet exhaust
chamber full, trigger ready, safety off
one, two, five, ten.. how many would be enough
dissolved at the bottom of a sleep inducing 40 ounce'r
take off, like weighted birds soar is stuttered
the quiet scream of a blade that cuts like butter

childhood memories are not sweet, filled with imaginary friends
they are haunted by real ghosts, tortured by lost souls
looking for an escape long before you ever knew
you would have so many reasons to run away

I've burned the candle from both ends,
burning fingers trying to hold on
soaked right through with whiskey, and tears
shutters ripple up my spine
to the brain I no longer wish to use
I've done my time, paid my dues
kissed my fair share of frogs, for something better
but the best is always yet to come, or so they say
I've desecrated my boundaries, jumped borders, and covered empty pages
just to hear that faint scratch of the pen across the paper
which still sounds louder than your heart
You see, I am a coward
who takes solace in the certainty
that words will drip from these fingers, like the lies from your lips
you call her your wife,
but know nothing of the sanctity of marriage
you babble on, about the greatness of your union
while taking me to your bed, you speak
of connections, when you could never understand
singing your own praises, you're not like every other man, ha!

I have burned the candle at both ends
burning my fingers to hold on,
as my whiskey soaked self engulfs in flames,
I let it burn..

sunrise, a time to sleep
bag over shoulder, cart following feet
the light of day is a safety net
for this stumbling, lost man to be
in such a vulnerable position
as that when dreams flow free
nights spent packed up, for warmth shuffling  around
searching for a hope or a drink,
his last in a puddle on the ground
for peace, in a hectic, screaming hallow
for the world to just open up and swallow
to feel the smoldering center of the earth,
warm his bones
to feel a part of something, for
the first time since he left home, all those years ago
he imagines the heat burning his pain
like each bubbling blister popping
is years of abuse escaping through his skin
scars forming outward and inside,
an extra layer of protection,
between now, and
the sunrise.

I remember saying to you, "I want you SOOO bad!"
I want all your parts, the light and dark, I want you even after so long
even though you're gone I want you
like a kid wants to see Santa on Christmas eve, hoping for a glimpse of the elusive man, not even questioning his validity
I want you like hot fudge on ice cream, the perfect compliment to my frigid self loathing, hot and sweet covering every inch, making me melt, I want you like the bros at the gym want gains
out of this world gains, hard work pays off gains
the protein to your muscle, stronger than the weight on your shoulders, I want you the way a tree buds and grows its leaves into the most lush escape, only to send them off with the most colourful goodbye awaiting their return in the spring, I want you like my dog wants food
and let me tell you one singular thought fixates his mind, and that is eating
I want you like an soft song played on the strings of a perfect evening, while we slow dance in the dark
I want you like an ice cold beer on a hot summer day! the spritz of the cap, bubbling with anticipation, the sweat forming on the bottle dripping down your finger as you touch it to your lips and then,
ahhh pure refreshment, quenching my Sahara thirst
I want you like how green grass, and shrubs and flowers and trees all grow towards the sun, innately seeking the heat source of life, the very sustenance that keeps them alive, I want you
like the air
all around me, I wanna feel you permeate every cell in my body, wanna feel you expand my lungs, and pump my heart, fire neurons in my brain sending electric signals to every muscle tingling my nerves
I want you like the first snowfall
magical and nostalgic, cozy and beautiful
I want you the way I wanna write poetry that saves lives, the way I want the words to build themselves with every pen stroke and speak to you, I want you the way no one has ever wanted me
worth the effort, if you would just try to see I could build a universe around us, so we would have our own stars that shine for our eyes only, and we would never miss a chance to watch the beauty of our stars crossing the sky,
I want you with feelings, and that uncomfortable "communicating" thing that I do so well for a living but struggle to do with you, I want you raw and exposed
our souls bared, a connection even fully clothed, I want you so bad
was all that I could muster under that gin soaked cloak of bravery
I should have said, that all I really wanted
was for you to want me too

Does it make you wonder,

Just what's the ******* point?

All those breadcrumb pieces of my heart I'd hoped you would use to follow your way back, lay rotting along side the stagnant words you left behind with me
I doubt you would find your way home, even if you wanted to but,
I have no more of myself to send with you when you leave again

It's 5 to midnight, my Cinderella fantasy
is rushing away
I don't have any more glass slippers
or time left today
So many years, same old song to sing
Salt in all my tears, making my heart sting
It's all been wasted, every little thing
Wasted love

Always seems like the love I seek
is just out of my reach
or heading out the door
But I felt something new
some kind of connection to you
like I'd never be the same as before
It seems a silly far-fetched thing to say
but I had crazy dreams for us one day
like parties and rings and building our team
But I always seem to have to learn to let go
and our time was just a quick stop in your traveling show
lesson learned, I guess things aren't always as they seem

I'm damaged
like bruised apples, or broken glass
and sometimes it feels like my scars
bring me down a class

I am tiny pieces
held together with pieces of tape
and this is all a mask I wear
so you can't see my real face

Can you be the glue
to hold my pieces together
can you be my ship
to sail through any weather

I am an addict
without their helpful crutch
'cause I've never needed anything
like I need the feel of your touch

I am just a child
who still wonders where her daddy was
I know he didn't want me then
just wanted to be lost in his buzz

Can you be the glue
to hold my pieces together
can you be the one
I can count on for forever

I am hollow
like the tree left empty by the birds
I feel nothing but vacant
just resonating your words

these damaged goods
are second hand at best
they fall short of perfect
to be left behind with the rest

I am wounded
like death soaked, ****** animal fur
like the one who will never belong anywhere
even her family won't ever want her

Can you be my glue
to hold my pieces together
Can you be my ship
to sail through any weather?
Can you be the one
I can count for ever?
Can you promise me
that you won't leave, ever?

can you fix the damages here?

I miss you with every fiber of my being
with every emotion I am capable of feeling
with everything I am or will ever be.

I am enraged by the very thought of them
that makes every drop of my blood boil
those truth hiders, secret keepers, and liars.

I weaken with every breath I take
every time I know I should push it all away
that every part of me needs to let go.

'Cause life goes on, or so they say
but with it goes my vivid memories
living without you hasn't made me stronger, but is killing me from the inside out

LSD
acid rain
slowly detaching
feel no pain
lights all blur
colours smear
cold wind blowing
whispers her song in my ear
nerves tense up
panic saunters in
if I dont keep sippin' this water
the bad tippin' will win
a bubble surrounds me
but I can still see clearly through
a new found understanding
of just what is really true
you placed a cymbal on a drum
to play for us your show
sparks fly off, with every hit
and time moves endlessly slow
I smoke, but I feel no satisfaction
my fingers swell like sausage links
I wonder if it's all for real, or
if it's just what my mind thinks
this is a musical trip today
we jam, and fry, and blaze
we laugh, because we can't understand, like
no sentences are made from the words we say
soon I long for my cocoon
to swaddle my self in warm
while your laces turn to snakes
unafraid, they mean no harm
the morning eventually comes
but feels like she's been here all along
the rising sunlight hurts my eyes
as the morning birds sing their songs

Maybe I'll get breakfast....

I** will look for you in the faces of those I pass by forever

Moments pass when I can't disguise it, even
If I try to shake those tears out of my head, I know
Soon I will break, if I can't push it back
Someday, hopefully I will be stronger

Your were gone before I even got to know you,
Out of my life you were ripped
Uselessness of memories, that only serve to remind me of what I no longer have

the moon sits, on the branches of the tree
outside the window of my door
the wind whistles it's normally unheard tune
this is the time for it's solo
the fridge hums and floors creek
and there's a rattle from the lone car thundering by,
at 3am.
my mind races, while other are at rest
a pen in my hand, rather than a pillow under my head
really late turns into really early
my words are now silent, scribbles on paper
every feeling I've ever felt plays like a movie reel in my head,
at 3am.
my never dying love for you is loudest and
your faults are perfections
my once strong will is non-existent, just like
all the ****** up things you've ever done, so
I let myself miss you, and it feels even darker
than the blackest of moonless nights,
at 3am.
If I close my eyes, I can see your face
I smell you in each breath
let my tears drop to the page
don't even try to push it away
while my mind turns to liquid and pours out the tip of my pen,
at 3am.

I think you've changed
'cause I don't recognize you anymore
you don't look the same as you did
lying on the bed next to me before

I know I've changed
'cause I think I'm really done
I realized finally how
your quiet rejection's just no fun

but when I leave
I doubt your heart will bleed
I always cared more than you,
and you won't shed no tears,
you probably won't even miss me

I know you love
but not the kind of love I need
I want someone who will hold my soul
without my having to say please

I think I'm tainted
'cause with your face my heart is stained
and no matter who I'm with ever
in my head I'll be thinking your name

but when I leave
I doubt your heart will bleed
I cared so much more than you
and you won't shed no tears
you probably won't even miss me

And you kept me at arms length
helped my up with half your strength
hid behind that never crumbling wall
and yet I still let myself fall....stupid!

but when I leave
I doubt your heart will bleed
I cared more than you could
but you won't shed no tears
you probably won't even miss me
no you probably don't even miss me

this poem has been a long time in the making,
it's not easy like stating, how the sky is blue,
or the grass is green
it's more like how I feel so BIG,
but never seen,
how I loathe that girl in the mirror, and her taunting, nasty screams
she is evil
as she pokes your sides, laughs at that belly you try desperately to hide
calls you chunky, just look at those thighs
girl in the mirror, so full of self hate
your mind is such a powerful thing to waste
on thoughts solely existing to enforce doubt and a need to keep pace
with those matchstick, anorexic figures
always shoved in your face
when it comes to beauty, when did less become more?
when did real, wholesome girls get traded for the *****?
when did your self worth become something you could pay for?
when did being beautiful become dependent on if you shopped at 'that' store?
they used to say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder
and I've noticed as I've gotten older
that you cannot quantify beauty based on what we see
'cause this world will look a little different to you
then it does to me, and there's no cookie cutter
labeled "beautiful girl", no molded shape to uphold
so big, tall, slender, small, dressed in rags so fine, or dressed to the nines
you're all gold
so long as you're sold
on the fact that you are beautiful!

If I was to die tomorrow,
I'd hope that you would know
that I really did love you
I just have a hard time letting it show
because I've been hurt
had my heart smashed to bits
so I find it hard to admit
that I love you
I'm just afraid
because deep down I know the truth
I know my place
I know my use
and so I keep my half hearted gait
moving opposite your path
for I know that all the love in the world
can't make it work between us
but despite the world being magnetic
and using all it's forces of repulsion
I have a hard time just forgetting,
I love you

that voice of yours
at the bottom of the stairs below
takes my breath to places
i do not know
but my muscles don't flinch
nor do i outwardly show
though my heart beats so fast
out my chest it will go
like a ghost through the wall
i feel your voice flow
and it calls not my name
for you i no longer know

I've been thinking lately,
as that is all I seem to do
that I perhaps will never move on
and be completely over you.
But I also have thought of late
that I never really did love
the anti-happiness, dream killer
who lives off flowers and doves
to tarnish all the shining stars
and muddy all crystal waters
who puffs his chest, and looks down his nose
and stomps out the hearts of your daughters
I have been realizing, with all my ponders
that I was just the blind, faithful, fool
trusting your wine was not tainted
and drank it all down, sip by sip
too embarrassed to admit
I wanted not this picture I painted
of blindfolds held by my own hands
or of water colors softened with my tears
this picture should have been oil paints
bold, strong, appreciated, lasting years and years
But thinking of all the things that I wanted
but of yet have not achieved
I try to grow and move on, and say it wasn't love
but my thoughts only awake you in my memories.

I miss you.

i know it's impossible
because it's been ages
but every now and then
I smell you,
your hair
your room
your bed
your clothes
I can taste your kiss
though I haven't kissed you
or laid beside you in your bed
or sauntered around in your clothes
since you broke my heart
months ago

I watch the sun rise again
as I sit alone on the floor
waiting for your gentle knock
on the always locked door
just like I do every night
though I know it is in vain
you're never coming back
not tomorrow, not ever again
that keeps me up all night
talking to myself in my head
knowing you're not on your way
I watch the sunrise instead

I tried practicing meditation
to silence my mind
I tried screaming at the top of my lungs
to drown out my thoughts
I tried weeping for days
to drain the poison out
I tried to swallow it all down inside
in hopes it would dissolve in my stomach
I tried eating the fridge empty
to enjoy something for once
I tried not eating at all
it wouldn't stay down anyway
I tried everything I could think of
to avoid the only choice I had
to walk through the fire
and pray I'd make it out the other side

some people write birthday cards
but there is no mail delivered where you are
so a poem to wish you the best on this special day
no matter if you are near or far

Happy birthday to my big brother
this day of yours is like no other
for this is the day the world was blessed with your grace
though you were taken too soon from this place
another year passes as we miss you more and more
and will write you birthday poems, till you answer heavens door
where we'll meet with balloons and your million dollar smile
and we'll have a birthday party like we haven't had in a while
we'll toast our glasses to our reunited family
while we recant times passed cannily
but till that time comes brother dear
know that I hold your memory ever so near
along with every cleverly placed dime
that I know you've dropped just for me to find
so in closing, all I wanted to say
was I miss you so much, and
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

sitting here alone
I know I do not want to be
living on my own
with no one here but me
you don't realize what talking
to another living being does
to keep you from walking
over the edge of the world that never was
it's hard to say just what it'd mean
to simply hear someones voice
to wake me out of this starkly quite dream
to fill this room with noise

*******
and your ***** ******* ways
**** your mind games
and your pulling the **** away
**** your feelings
and your robot ******* heart
**** your brain
you zombie, you think you're so smart
**** your relationships
and **** time too
**** everything you touch
that is all you wanna do
**** your lovely ******* life
and **** your hate-filled remarks
******* for ******* me
right from the ******* start

I was wrong
I see now
I can't change people
but they change me
one turned me against the world
another against myself
one made me see my light
others just brought me down
I suppose it's all just lessons learned
but why must they be so tough
if I could just get past the redundancy
how trying is just never enough
I thought I could play along
and get by unscathed
that if we spent enough time together
eventually you'd be on my page
or at least I would walk away
unattached, more confident, more wise
I thought I could handle your seeing other girls
and I'd be fine with seeing other guys
I was wrong

the choice has been made for me
there's no hope for you and i
yet i still hang on tightly
as my dreams all pass me by
i used to think i'd stay around
so eventually you would see
though that hope could never hold it's ground
i never meant as much to you, as you did to me
alas the day finally came
where you chose someone else instead
we've reached the end of this superfluous game
i hope you're happy 'cause you've made your bed

I miss that piece of me
  that disappeared when you left
I miss those smiles that warmed me
  and made me feel my best
I miss how I used to be
  back when things were right
I miss those days I spent with you
  and looking forward to our nights
I miss the way I loved you
  but love me you did not
I miss not missing you
  now that hollow memories are all I've got

I do not know
if these feelings will go
or just interrupt the flow
of my desire to show
how I loved you, though
that is no longer so

I think I hate you

she had a hard time admitting
to herself that she couldn't let you in
she always was an open book,
there were never any great walls, or
giant doors, locked with chains
she thought
she often thinks of you now
like a Trojan horse, slyly
slipping past her guards,
only to destroy her from within
once, albeit too late, she discovers
you in fact are the enemy
penetrating her fortress
she once thought, having you
close by, that you were her ally
there could be nothing better
but smoke and mirrors was all you were
a magician, a maker of potions
when she'd playfully glance your way
through the top of her hazy drunken eyes
telling you without words what she was really saying
intoxicated uninhibited blackouts
she has trouble hanging on to memories
without clouds and drink spills disrupting their integrity
that she only sees your smile
and only hears your whispers in her ear
and only feels your gentle, soft caress
which cause that tumor of your memory
in her brain to shrink, and lead her to think
that just one more kiss, just one more night
couldn't hurt, could it?
just one more chance, and she could explain it all away
one more full moon to light the night, to see her
but you never cared about the walls, or the locks
you were content on the outside, and having her securely
trapped in her own locked, doorless room
and she knew all along you never wanted in
you are the cigarette to her lung cancer
the addiction that will **** her
that she cannot seem to give up

My dearest, you are my saving grace
and owe to you all that I am today,
all my heart, and soul, and my pretty face
you are the one who made me this way

Thank you for everything that you do
for giving up your life for mine,
always putting me ahead of you
for ensuring I turned out just fine

You've always done better than you could
even though the responsibility was left to you alone,
thank you for doing even more than anyone would
and for making our lives perfect at home!

I've walked around your world
like walking on thin ice
I've tasted your words on my tongue
hot and sweet, like sugar and spice
I felt your touch on my skin
soft, cool and electric
I've watched my life devolve
to plain, when once eccentric
I've spent my days with you
picking egg shells off my feet
I've spent my days without you
hiding from a pain that runs too deep

Girl, you're just too young
to see the mess you're making
of this life of yours, you've only got one
better make the best and stop stringing yourself along
Boy, you're old enough now
to know you should do better
by the one who lays beside you, greeting the day
don't pretend you don't see you're tearing her down

perhaps it was because she was too nice,
too willing to give you the world if asked
but she'd be better off with a backbone
for her you'll never thaw out your heart
just drop your weapons destroying her, boy
that's a start

I used to worry
that they'd send you away
to a life of imprisonment
because they hated you so
for no reasons they could explain
I used to worry
because their tread marks
were in our driveway anytime
they needed someone to try and pin things on
though you were never less than honorable
polite, personable, my genuinely good brother
I never used to worry
that they'd one up my worries
and send you somewhere further away than prison
I never used to worry that the forces
meant to uphold law and justice
to serve and protect
would walk blindly past the line
of no return, to botch their expected standards
while watching you slip away
I never used to worry
that there was an evil force within some people
that could destroy the glue holding our family
together, then again I was so young
so naive, to think that people were instinctively good
that people, having families of their own
would never purposefully tear apart another's
but I don't suppose they ever thought of me
and your kin, or beyond that need to bring you down
I never used to worry that the system would fail
allowing guilty parties to walk free,
to have families of their own; to not even recognize the fault and
to protect the ones who took you away
I used to worry that they'd try to send you
to a life of imprisonment, and in the end
they did send you away,
but it is a place where I cannot visit
and instead it is us, who love you so,
imprisoned in what we call life, where the fences are
the breaths I take, the steps I walk, the beats of my heart
the walls that confine me and separate me from the world
are the memories and lost time, and of only knowing you
through my childhood eyes
and the guards and wardens are the haze which clouds
my thoughts, unable to still hear your voice or see your face
in my mind
and my day of release will only come
when I walk through the gate, past the fences
to the afterlife, where my life will finally begin again.

there are things
that I find impossibly hard to describe
that make my day
that much more intolerable
like the first crack
that was made in my strong,
once thought invincible, heart
sustained from realization
you are too far away to come back
the second
when I knew I would have to learn
new things without you here to share it with
cracked
when I wish you'd have been around
to back me up, no matter what
cracked again
from seeing your classmates
living their lives
moving away, by choice
cracked
knowing that those other new families
started by your peers
will never include yours
cracked
my children will never know
what an amazing uncle they had
cracked
when my mind searches
and recalls only vague recollections
of your face, and smile
cracked
when I can no longer
hear your voice as it once sounded
cracked
every time I mess up
knowing I owe it to you, to do better
cracked
on the day you'd have been a year older
or the days you loved in the winter, on the snow
cracked
till there's nothing left to be cracked
and my heart breaks

dear subconscious self
what the hell are you doing?
you are starting to make it rather tricky
to hide you behind this veiled confidence
you've been spreading rumors again,
haven't you?
telling the lungs,
they cannot breathe without him
and the legs, to run when it gets tough
and the mouth to babble nonsense
and the mind, to shut reason out
Well, dear little girl inside
you're story telling has started
to affect the parts of my soul
that I lose when your rumors
are thought true
so please, stop chipping away
with your constant,
unfounded self hatred
for eventually if it keeps on this way
there will be nothing left on the outside
to hide yourself behind
and you'll have no one to blame but yourself

he is just an atom
and I am just the
rearranging electrons
I always got the negative parts
when I only wanted
the positive charge
of his nucleus
and his unattainable
concentration
strikes me down
that would make me try
so hard
to comprehend
the impossibility
of bonding with me
and laughed in the face
of his allure
as I swallowed the knives
of my pride
every time I let him
soft shoe dance through my mind
and let it hypnotize me
his mathematical ways
and my nano scale place
in his heart
how could a love so big
barely exist at all
in his eleventh dimension
too far out of reach
for my merely human
unintelligible
unquestionable
unrequited
love
there is no
binding energy
here

I find myself slipping
back into the love I had for you
like sliding down the tub
submersing my head
till every sound outside
is muffled and distant
how I love the world below the bubbles
that float on top of the bath
so peaceful, and serene
but I cannot stay under too long
enjoying the separation from reality
for no matter how wonderful it may seem
detached, submersed
eventually I have to come up for air
and hear it all for real,
above the water

Oh, dear dreamy night
how doth the day give light
when you seem so endlessly dark
Oh long lost peaceful rest
my aider and ally to looking my best
I have forgotten where to find you
Oh, warm cozy snuggled bed
thou art the place where I used to lay my head
as from tosses and turns, sleep no longer prevails
Oh, you always chattering, noise filled mind
how you're relentless, that I shall never find
a moments peace to just slip away
to that sugar plum, candy coated, sleep filled
night that greets the day

I used to like to run
run like the wind,
just to see how fast I could go
and now I run
but to escape , to get away
you see,
I have trouble looking my demons in the eye
I am cowardice, weak, afriad
afraid that the fire burning in their eyes
will consume me, ruin me, burn me
leaving charred ashes of this person I hate
who's too afraid tell you the truth
too afraid to take her rose coloured glasses off and see the world for what it really is
too afraid to admit to herself that the reason she doesn't stand up
and shrug your shackles off her shoulders
why she doesn't tell you everything she should
why she stands at the mirror, poking and prodding
wishing her waist was thinner, her ******* were bigger
her legs were longer, her feet were smaller
her eyes less empty
she is afraid, afraid of one small little word
no
No I won't listen, No I don't care, No I won't love you
No, you can't have your way, you can't stay
and so she locks up her words, in the safe
in the pit of her stomach, in the far reaching backwoods of her mind
like drying cement it weighs her down
solidifying her veins, till her heart can't beat
stiffening limbs stopping her feet
from moving forward down the street
she is stone, a hollow, statuette of herself
till her screams shatter her way out, and break free
and then she runs

This is for the doers and the seekers
the straight arrows and the tweakers
this is for the movers and the shakers
the hungry, unemployed and the money makers
this is for the girlfriends, and the secret ******
the ungentlemenly men and the ones who still hold doors
this is for listeners and the hearing deaf
the right wingers and for the liberal lefts
this is for the child who's awake at night afraid
and for the parents who'll regret not being there one day
this is for the academic scholars, and the high school dropouts
the meek, quiet talkers, and the ones who curse and shout
this is for the homeless and those braking banks to afford their mortgage rates
the healthy ones and the ones who's lives are in the hands of the fates
this is for the elderly and ones who's lives are not yet found
this is for you my brothers and sisters
for it takes all kinds to make the world go round