I feel it
  my hot red cheeks,
that lump in my throat
weight under my tongue
the heat of the tears filling my eyes.

I fear it
  that rush in my head
throbbing in my chest
the seizing of my lungs
    not breathing, falling, weak.

I fake it
  that smile on my face
the laughter and joy in my voice
the will to live on
pushing one foot in front of the other.

I want a man,
    who can save my life
the kind of guy,
    who wants to make the world a better place because I'm in it
I want a friend,
    who can keep any secret
the type of friend,
    who'll have my back, no matter what
I want a world,
    where the person walking past will smile
the sort of place,
    where personal profit is a foreign concept
I want a life,
    that has no regets
the life where
    you'd never hurt me, nor I you
a life where
    the word Goodbye didn't exist

I awoke
from sleep
nightmares, enforced by you
sweat,
cold,
I turn over and try to fall
fall back
asleep
an impossibility, a futile attempt
there's a full dining room's worth
plates,
spinning plates, in my head
they never stop, always spinning
till one wobbles, balance falters,
and just as you'd expect they fall
one
after another
crashing
another
but there's always one
one left,
still spinning, shakily
waiting for the mess to be cleaned up
where'd that little fairy go?
the one who used to follow you around..
who is gonna clean up this mess
NO!
No, I cleaned up after you long enough!
even a maid receives a paycheck, compensation
I was just a slave
a slave to you, a slave to my mind
the trickery and contortion, you'd think I was a gymnast,
of Olympic Gold proportions!
I was a lap dog, following you around,
eating what ever you gave me,
begging for more
please sir, more?
more abuse,
more deception,
more than just friends
more than just a use,
for a good time
for who?
I worked so hard at trying
trying to make you love me
trying to make you see
obvious oblivion,
I get it!
You're blind!
hopefully
you must be,
Have you even seen some of these women?
those one night roll arounds
you're just so polite
waiting till the morning to push them out
out the door,
and you will, oh how they know you will,
but still you'll call them
those disposable women
you'll call because you know it's free
because you know they want you to
if only you were good enough to have one for every day
of the week -
you know, those ones
the ones you equated me too!
But,
a friend of mine you'll always be
so long as it pays off for you
a few amazing hours
naked
together, alone
a drinking buddy when the regulars are out of town
a gram here, a joint there
an easement of your guilt
for allowing yourself to lie
right through your teeth
to the face of an adoring fan
to use, abuse and get what you can
from your supposed life long friend!
you should have been more careful though
for you smell nothing like a rose
you wreak
your stench so vile
you slop your sludge of a personality
right across my face
before twisting the knife in my back
then pretend like none of it exists
extinct
though that would imply that it once existed
which you've stated
for certain
it does
not.

I've tried to stop time,
slow it down so today wont end
but at some point I fell asleep
when I woke up tomorrow had come
and it's so different,
than today,
or yesterday
Tomorrow I don't know you
I feel much less than today
but oh so much more
I don't even know if it bothers me
I always thought it did before
but somehow knowing that i cant keep it all
still, frozen in time
I lost the fear of losing myself
with it all, in time passing by.

I've given up
it's kind of freeing
I no longer try
cause I'm tired of not breathing
I swallowed my feelings
down so low I can't feel them
I've buried the pain
so it can't hurt me again
I'm walking away
cause it's too hard to hang on
I can't stay around
because I'll be ****** in by your con
I won't exist
so you can't get in my head
You won't see me again
because you chose her instead

When there's sun
  it shines
    so warm
but when it rains
  it pours
    always a storm
When you're here
  I'm alive
    I breathe and feel
when you're gone
  I am broken
    I never heal
How it hurts
  I'm so helpless
    aching from my bones
how long it is
  the day's
    never ending and alone
If I try
  it takes more
    all of me
if I walk away
  I leave empty
    never to be set free