5 years down the drain
I love you but brought nothing but pain
I would tell you i loved you more than you loved me
How could you believe,we couldn’t even agree
I showed it sometimes but not enough
My actions wouldn’t match my words so you’d call the bluff
I always knew you loved me more
So i never thought itd be you to walk out the door
Don’t get me wrong i wouldn’t have done it
But now i know i took you for granted
After all this i don’t know how to just be your friend
Im still having trouble believing that we’ll ever be JUST FRIENDS

We were only engaged for a couple of months
Because of the date that you wanted
February 29, 2016 was the day we got married
I couldn’t believe we were here after all that had happened
Remember we thought we could just go to the courthouse
Apparently it wasn’t that easy to become someones spouse
We called a few numbers and they said that they couldn’t
Until finally someone said that they would do it
Just you me and the kids, in a nice little park
On a whole different journey, we were about to embark
We said what we said
Our vows we each read
We went back to our home
Left the kids downstairs locked the door to our room
Made love for the first time as husband and wife
We got dressed, went to Chilis for lunch and to begin our new life

A sunflower in a field of weeds
No one attending to your needs
A sunflower growing big and tall
But all i ever did was make you feel small
A sunflower reaching for the sun
But i picked you out the field before the growing was done
A sunflower i picked as my companion
But i see now it was more of an abduction
The sunflower finally wild and free
And i know in my heart that youll find a better bee

Time went on we moved to a new place
I thought she was happy, always a smile on her face
I was working full time and was a full time student
I didn’t think that i was TOO absent
She was working full time, watching the kids by herself
We spent time on the weekends but i still kind of kept to myself
Shed want to go out maybe go out on a date
Id say lets do it, yea that sounds great
But when it came to it i wouldn’t even try
I didn’t know sometimes,shed sit at home and just cry
Sometimes shed just want to have a girls night
Knowing very well that it would start a fight
It wasn’t her doing, i did it to us
She wasn’t the one that had broken the trust
Id ask 20 questions to catch her in a lie
But she already knew that this i would try
Where are you going? Who were you with?
I should have known shed get tired of this
She never lied to me she was always the best
But i kept treating her bad and she was always so stressed

A few months had passed and your belly grew round
You gave birth to a boy that had us spellbound
A few months went by you had to run to the store
What happened next of why im still unsure
A moment of anger i smacked our two year old
After it happened i wanted to crawl in a hole
I picked her up and I started crying
I called you and told you she hit a drawer, i was lying
The next day a hand mark across her small face
The police were then called and i caught a case
Went to jail, had to move out for a while
I don’t know why i had done that to our child
We talked and we talked and i thought we moved past
I didnt know i had put a hole in your heart that would last

I was the one that cheated on you
Thoughts of revenge from you in my mind grew
I didn’t trust YOU, even though i was the one
That broke the trust first, and thats where it had begun
You went on deployment you tried to have fun
But i didn’t like it and tried to keep it at none
Before you left we didn’t know
That a little bean had started to grow
But you had a miscarriage and were all by yourself
I couldn’t even hold you, i was just a picture on a shelf
You came home for a while to work on a plane
I didn’t want you to leave again and deal with that pain
Before you went back took a positive test
We were both happy, felt truly blessed
This whole time your mom had been dealing with cancer
You got a call said she was in hospice, another mountain to conquer
They flew you back home spent your last days with your mom
I know that it hurt you but you maintained your calm
I asked you once, maybe twice if you were ok
You said yes, i believed you so i stayed away

May 4
This is the day it all began
5 years ago in Misawa, Japan
I took your hand, you stole my heart
Its hard to believe that we’ve grown apart
But really its not, all the **** that i did
You held us together like peanut butter does bread
I was the knife that cut us to pieces
Now our relationship is left in the ashes
I still believe that we can rise like a phoenix
But you dont anymore that we have no fix
I find it hard to believe you have not one little piece left
Of love,If you once loved me as much as you said did
Like i said before i dont want what we had
That relationship was bad and you were nothing but sad
I want to be better i want us to be the best
I want to stand as your husband when you get that pin on your chest
You still have my heart but i dont have your hand
But like i told you before, i still believe in us so ill still take a stand
But the more i do the further you get
So i need to let go and start to forget

I was the kool aid with water
Without her i was just bitter
She was the sugar
We mixed together and i got a little bit sweeter

May 6, 2013 when it really began
The thing about it was it put us both in a jam
You had a boyfriend, i had a wife
We said that after deployment wed get on with our lives
But in those two months the reality changed
Our love grew so quick and put my heart in some chains
On the plane ride home we said it would come to an end
We held hands and said wed remain friends
We tried to move on go back to our others
But it was too tough our hearts belonged to another

The next morning we both showed up to work
I looked over at you, and gave you a smirk
Yes you know the smirk, the half smile
The one you’ve known for a long while
The one that means either bad or good
No matter what you could always tell the mood
We worked together all day
Then finally one of us worked up the courage to say
“I don’t regret what happened that night
But i didn’t want to lose a friend didn’t want to start a fight”
“I was afraid that YOU were having second thoughts
Just thinking about it had my stomach in knots”
We talked and we talked and figured out how we felt
Wed known each other for a short time but you made my heart melt

You ask me why i make myself sad by looking at pictures
Because they’re all i have left and these feelings they stir
You don’t want to talk about us you say don’t even bother
Again, the pictures are all i have left of how happy we once were
I wake up and see a picture of us posted up on our mirror
You me and the kids the future seemed so much brighter

You ended things with him
I told her it was over
Me and you got together
Oh, how happy we were
A few months later i went to visit my kids
This is where **** starts to go amiss
A halloween party with her and her family
I made a mistake and let her get in bed with me
I came back to you and our home
You felt something off and went through my phone
Your suspicions were right, your most terrible fear
Me and you hadn’t even been together a year
You were moving in with me that day and you angrily packed
You kept yelling at me, i made a mistake, i didn’t know how to act
Nine months later came a beautiful daughter
I don’t know why you stayed with me, why you even bothered
You said you couldnt be without me, the love was too deep
I told you the same and my heart was yours to keep

Misawa,Japan 2013
A girl showed up and changed my whole scene
The first thing i noticed was the thing on her thighs
But nothing compared to her icy blue eyes
That flowing blonde hair, a smile so intense
I was attracted so quick it didnt make sense
We started a romance so crazy and wild
It burned like a wild fire not at all mild

She was my favorite thing in the world

After two weeks i told her i loved her
She said it back to me after that its a blur
We came back to the states, we created a life
A few months later i stabbed her with an emotional knife
I made a mistake and along came a daughter
The biggest problem? She wasnt the mother
We talked and we talked and it all seemed so good
But i know now that i misunderstood

She was my favorite thing in the world

She went on deployment and came back for a while
And when she headed back she was with child
9 months later we had a beautiful son
Little did i know that our problems had just begun
We had a daughter and one day a bad temper
I struck her little face and left it amber
I got arrested and got sent to jail
I couldnt believe i had struck our daughter so frail
I had to move out for a couple of months
We talked and i thought she forgave me but it wasnt at once
It was hard but we created a life
After all that she still became my wife

She was my favorite thing in the world

I kept messing up the **** kept stacking up
I dont know why i did it, her heart became shut
Didnt know this but she loved me no more
To her, loving me had become somewhat of a chore
She kept hanging on to the love we DID have
SHE didnt even know it had gotten so bad
I didnt trust her, she couldnt have friends
My minds my worst enemy, it soon comes to an end
I asked and i asked what was wrong
Then one day she told me “the love is gone”
She asked for divorce, she just wants her freedom
How could i have been SO DUMB?

I BROKE my favorite thing in the WORLD

Don’t remember the exact date
Might say on the parking pass
That i have in my truck
Hanging off of the rearview glass
We had a date to the fair
Rode the rides, had no cares
Engagement ring in my pocket
Butterflies in my stomach
I knew you would say yes
So why was i nervous?
We got on the ferris wheel
I knew i wasn’t gonna kneel
I had wanted to pay him to halt at the top
It must have been fate because it came to a stop
Couldn’t get out the words, heart racing, palms sweaty
But i finally said it “Will you marry me?”
Eyes swelled up, tears ran down your face
“Yes, yes a million times yes!”
I remember being truly happy that night
And thinking that everything would be all right

Sitting here, waiting for a text that i know will never come
Because unlike me you really are done
You lost your husband and best friend but you let go,long ago
And here i sit, still dealing with this emotional blow
I also lost my best friend and wife but more recently
I don’t know how you do it, going all day without talking me
You say its hard for you also, us not talking
But you’re moving on with your life, you’re also better at acting

One long kiss while pulling money out
We were both drunk but i had no doubt
That you liked me,
and i liked you
Until the next morning,
when you flew,
Out of my room when you thought i was sleeping
But i was awake, i was just peeking
When i woke up i would look out of my window
Because i knew at some point you would show
You finally did and i went downstairs
I wanted to mention that night but i was so scared
Maybe you regretted all that had happened
I didnt at all, our first night of passion
As the day went on we hung out some more
Neither one of us knew what was in store
We went out to dinner, i remember it was sushi
When we got back i wanted you to come upstairs with me
But even though we both wanted it bad
Neither one of us mentioned it and we both went to bed sad

The kids would be yelling and being bad
You’d be the calm one and i would be mad
The next time it happened
Id be the calm one, you’d be the one that unfastened
The yin to my yang never mad at the same time
Our official (unofficial) song is still Badfish by Sublime
Even our fights lasted all of 10 minutes
Fight, not talk, apologize, and go smoke a cigarette
Alot of them we were arguing the same point
Just worded differently so how did we get to this point?
Well maybe because when you wanted to talk about feelings i would shut down
I would get mad about it start a fight and you’d end up with a frown
Now that all i want to do is talk about us
You’ve become me and its all in reverse
You don’t want to talk about us anymore at all
Now it is you thats put up that wall
I just want to break it down and tear it away
Go back to the good times, we were happy, so gay
But i know now that i helped you build it
I laid down the foundation, you just stacked the bricks

Like an unfinished anniversary painting that was meant for me
Thats how i feel left without you in misery
The kids are with me so that keeps me sane
But what do i say when one of them says, i want you and mommy to be married again
Do i tell her the truth? And say its all my fault
That i kept lying to you and at the end we just fought
That i couldn’t man up and talk to you about feelings
That i thought wed get through it but really it just kept building
That when i asked you about your mom and you said you were ok
That i made myself believe it and thought it’d go away
That i cheated on you when you loved me the most
And when this happened it made YOU feel gross
That when she was just 2 i smacked her too rough
That the cops came and took me away in handcuffs
That drugs tore your family apart
And when you asked ME to stop, i said no and you lost your sweetheart
The only thing i can tell her is that its not her fault
And that its not for her to worry about to not be distraught

I knew that id lost you even when you said i hadn’t
You’d reassure me you were still there and bring me back to this planet
Id tell you i was scared i had done too much damage
You’d reassure me it wasn’t something we could not manage
The more that we talked, the more apparent it became
I tried to get a kiss it seemed forced how lame
Ive told you before, you’re NOT the bad guy
If you were i couldn’t even look you in the eyes
But even now all i want to do is stare at them
Even though it seems something is missing like a flower with no stem

Everyday i notice you take more of your stuff
I know i told you to move out, it doesnt make it less rough
I just couldnt bear to see you anymore
Everynight after work come through that door
Id be in OUR bed sleeping with the kids
Youd tap me on the shoulder id open my eyelids
Youd say you were home
Id look around and our daughter was gone
Night after night hoping youd say cuddle with me
But you wouldn’t so id just get up and leave
Go to the kids room sleep by myself
All these thoughts in my head I’m in my own personal hell