I used to dance
the way some girls cry
and some girls lie
to get out of that mess
of always feeling like less
than they're actually worth.

And now I can't forget
the time he watched
and completely botched
that simple hello
because I simply said no
but he didn't listen.

And it's unnerving to me
that my "no" wasn't enough
and then he got rough
because he wanted to have me
and he refused to see
I wasn't his to have.

Now I don't dance
I need to feel protected
and momentarily connected
to whoever happens to be there
I convince myself they care
but then I met you

And you held me for real
and I started to feel
like I wanted to dance again.

since the age
I became a woman
and my hips widened
to welcome
future children
they told me
"lose 5 pounds."

they said
"you will feel healthier"
"be happier"
"look better"
but I felt, was, looked
just fine.

but the words
never stopped
and they seeped
deep into my brain
and I believed
every word.

so I stopped
eating carbs
and then anything
with a calorie
because I was told
calories make me
unhealthy, bad, worse.

and they say
"you look so healthy!"
"so happy!"
"so much better!'
but actually
I am dying
I cry in the bathroom
***** on my chin.

but my jeans
sling low on my hips
held up by shoestrings
and sharp angled bones
and my bras gap
over my deflated *******
like before
I reached the age
where I became a woman.

turn on the shower
hot, hot, hot,
unbraid my hair on the scale
119.9, 2 less than friday,
too much
for my 5 foot tall body.

sit on the shower floor
breathe in only steam,
rest my chin
lipstick marks on my knees
like blood.

my roommate's dark hair
tethered in the grooves of the shower floor,
sweeps back and forth
I twirl it around my finger
force it down the drain.

stand up
too fast, too fast, too fast,
dizzy
sit back down,
try again.

orange face wash
to keep my skin bright
washes away perfectly sculpted
cheek bones and nose
lips pale pink,
I bite them.

charcoal scrub
to clean out pores
blackheads are no good
only smooth skin
will do.

purple shampoo
to keep my hair blonde
purple conditioner
blonder, softer
gentle waves.

pink razor
removes unladylike hair
soft, delicate,
for surface use only
don't cut, don't cut, don't cut.

coffee scrub
to lighten scars
soften stretch marks,
eliminating the reminders
of what my skin,
my body,
has been through.

face in the water,
wash away my tears,
naked face like a child
wet hair dripping down my back
hands and feet pruned.

turn off the shower
twist my hair in a towel
soften skin with lotion,
coconut
boyfriends favorite.

vaseline lips
soft, kissable, desirable,
float to bed
the sheets are clean,
folded in the laundry basket
on the floor.

I did it again
the thing I said
I would never do.

I dropped the heavy bottle
on the razor blade
and crushed it
pulled the small blades out
separated them
one by one
and then separated my skin
pulling the cells apart
watching blood drip
my legs covered
my hips a canvas
on which I carve my pain.