you see me on the streets
i see you driving by
we pretend we are strangers
and we turn our backs to each other
as if dancing a forbidden dance.

only later
in the cover of darkness will you call me back to the alley way
so we can **** like wild animals
and play with all our broken parts.
i always wondered if your body ever gets tired
of dancing the same dance
if
you ever get sick of chasing the same feeling..
or is it just primal..?

natures way of telling you
that your purpose here on earth is to reprouduce and nothing more.

you make it look so easy

making love.

you seem weightless
even though you carry so much on your back.

and i,
i am heavy
my Intestines are full of questions
and i swallow bricks
to keep
them
down
.

i lay there
empty eyes staring up at the ceiling
as you kiss me
and ***
your body tired
you make yourself a bed
next to my bones
and collapse in a heap along side my skeleton.

with your arms around me
your hands entangled in mine
i smile
but
i have never felt more alone.

they all come to watch
eyes ******* me
like i'm some kind of *****
they say they want more then just kisses
and desire more
then late nights at your house.
they want to wake up next to you in the morning
and
leave flowers by your gate.

the thought tickles you
and makes a little chuckle build up in your throat.
the thought of yourself caught up in something
like
love.
so you think to yourself
what a fun little game
why not play along..?
they do play the part well after all

they tell you what they think you want to hear
cram the lies down your throat
And before you can tell them the words on the tip of your tongue
They suffocate you with there lips.
they kiss you with there eyes
sweep the hair out of your face
and hold you tight
and you can see
as you look at them shaking
just
how much
they crave
to touch the only thing that can't be touched


your silly little
                heart.

he wrote you poem after poem
with broken fingers

taught you how to shoot a gun
with the safety on

he

showed you how to love

without
a
heart.

tie balloons to my ankles.
**** the life out of me.
darling, i think you forget to realize  that i'm just waiting for you
to
leave me in shambles

and let me
drift
       away.

please just hold me until the sun dies
or until i stop loving you.
whatever, comes quicker.

you have a sunbeam smile
like all the others
it reflects off your spectacles
and sets

the

    world

       on
fire.

the world is your ant hill
and
you leave me scampering for safety.

your fingers leave
mud marks
on my
skin,
tire tracks
leading
**h
o
m
e
.

the city is on fire.
my photos are burning.
and all i can think of saving is you.

i breathe
nothing in
but seagulls feathers
and
my lungs
try to paddle themselves to shore

your mind is
just an ocean of garbage that i'm swimming
in
indulging
for a short time
before
i
drown in
you
&
your likeness

just promise me you'll end it quickly

flush me
out to sea.

you laugh at my lips and my arms,
the things they say and do

but i know that when you lay your head down on your pillow at night
i dance behind your eyes and torture you.

i hide in the webs inbetween your fingers
the little 'you are loved' pin on the dashboard of your old ford
the little memories
you try to
keep
from
penterating your empty skull
but still patiently sit behind your eyes.

i scare you because i understand you.

and the truth
kills all the weeds
that you've been so pertinatiously  growing in your head.
lies are a false flower
hiding in rotting wood
whilst
growing against the bars of the sun


i understand why your scared
why you hide,
love isnt for the faint of heart.
love isn't for cowards.

maybe that's why your mouth always tasted like lies.
maybe that's why you would always slink back for more only in the cover of
darkness

so chase me,
call me names
set me on fire
with the hate in your eyes;

keep on trying to pick at my skin
while i effortlessly pick at yours
i promise it won't work

because I don't think you realize
i stopped caring
not long after
the
night
you
told
me
you
did
.

my mind is revolting garbage
and it seems i have gotten under your fingernails;
and i know how this goes, you've been spending all night trying to get me out
and youve been pulling your hair
over the things i said to you...

i know that i make you sick
and no matter how many times you try to hide it
ive seen you on the bathroom floor.

when you kiss me i find my way into your blood stream
and I start attacking your pathogens..
eventually I'll shut down your nervous system
and end up eating away at your heart.

i know what i do to you.

it just who i am, it's just what i do.
don't take it personally.

so this will be the one and only time that i urge you to leave darling,
take what you need from me and go
i know i have already stolen too much time and too many years of your life from you..

don't you worry
and
don't you dare look back
ill be able to make due with my own company from now on and until the day i die

tell me you love me
give me a kiss goodbye
and save yourself

i understand
please
just

show me a bit of kindness before  you go
and before my bones pick themselves up and leave.
before i shed my shell.
before i die.


i just want to feel weightless one last time

before i destroy myself.

you laugh with faces so bright
you could light cities
and
here
i'm left

  alone.

i'm just a clam in the ocean.

a mere muscle.

walking around with a smile permanently engraved on my exoskeleton,
a smile can hide so many things.
including a life time of lies
including the things he did to you
the things they said

i'm just a little itty bitty thing against these waves, against this world.

a little pinprick,

a dot on your map

so tiny
i don't even matter
to the spectrum of everything....

but I like to pretend I do,
play make believe
as
they throw me against the rocks,
and try to break me
i tell myself i matter
that I'm part of the chain reaction that is called life
that i, being so tiny, can make a difference..

but logic gets the best of me
time and time again
and the waves don't stop
whispering.
they either speak too quietly  
or all at once
either way there words always end up crashing against each other


i don't understand what i need to do

i don't understand what my purpose is and no one else can tell me.

im just a mere muscle
with two shells for eyelids to seal in my saline tears
i am only a clam, and these are only waves.
so I seal myself shut,
let the barnacles grow over my lips
and choke on
the
  words
in
    my
salty
    mouth.

something wild has been eating at me
because now i'm all torn apart..
so if I may
can i slide into your bones and become you..?
escape
what i can't control
and be something new..?
i tire of this skin, and i tire of yours
i can never find something to sustain my hunger long enough
because you're all the same really
you all leave the same taste on my tongue
petty little people
hiding in your generic houses
somewhere amidst the concrete jungles you call organized cities,
pretending to mean something

when we both know
deep down
inbetween our non existent hearts

you're nothing more than just an animal.

i kept you in bars
like i kept myself
and wrote poetry on my ribcage for you to read
and i cried when you left
or when you taunted me
but i swear to you, it was not love.
love isn't imprisoning someone;
love is freeing above all else

but
i never told you that
each night when i caught you trying to kiss another through the bars of my bones..

i tried to unhinge you,
unshackle you from my hopes and dreams.
i was letting you go
i was letting you free
i was never a monster, at least not like you.
but you tore away
left without compensation
and now broken bones and bruises are all i have to make up for the goodbyes you never said and the i love you's you never meant.

busy busy bees
floating from flower to flower
in search of fairy dust,
coating their wings with magical things so they can fly away.

so free
yet subservient,  
like little meteorites they plummet into atmosphere
and break there bones
and when they return from their journey
broken limbs swaying side to side
the
bumble bees with manes like lions
shed there coats
and there wings
and hand over the universe
and the planets

to a hungry
     queen
with
      a belly full
of
     *stars.

your hands are pale
fingernails sharpened like swords
hands like shackles;
wrapped around my fleshy ankles
you drag me down to the depths of yourself, and expect me to swim us both to shore
but, the current snapped my bones
and you broke my heart a long time ago..

i am just the sea foam now
the froth that beats against the rocks
like a prisoner against bars.

i'll sacrifice myself to the sharks and the sea monsters,
let them rip my beating heart out
if it means you'll just look the other way.

around you, i am a little girl lost in the waves
trying to call out but no one can hear her

and i swear,

**you will be the death of me.

intricate grooves
in wood
feel like keys
that take me too
doors i have never seen.
the
indentations,
tell stories
through sweaty fingertips
and numb lips.
time is the leaves that fall out of your ears
while playing a game of peekaboo behind your eyes.

doubt has turned me into an animal,
and love has surely turned my soul into a beast
so to fix this silly little heart of mine
i need to keep myself covered in roots to keep me grounded
and  build up walls of bark around me to stay strong,
swallow my thoughts
with a glass of water
and with a smile on my face
let the thrill of the unknown
and adventure
take over
because

*for today, the forest lives within me.

i wear no mask
no shining armor
you can see through my translucent flesh
i bare no weapon
no hidden intentions
for my skin is as clear as glass
you will look into my eyes and see nothing
except little marbles glazed over with discontent
but the planets are smiling tonight
and they want me to laugh along with them...
so I escape my mortal coils
and
unzip my skin suit, for now.
so I can dance freely
next to Saturn and Jupiter.
and I can push my organs aside
so you can pick and **** at which ever one you'd like to steal next...
i call him mr. nobody
the man who means nothing, to no one
but is constantly trying to be something.
he hates his name.
and each chance he gets he tries to steal mine out from under my nose
he doesn't like to dance
he just watches from the corner
with his eyes on his wristwatch
tick tick ticking time away.
he sliced me open
down the wrists, main artieries, you name it..
so I could make more room for him to weave himself around my bones.
like a **** he grew into my Skelton
and quite simply,
he became me.
he wore my skin like a mask
and used my body to commit crimes
that most people can't even pronounce.
I call him mr. Nobody;
a man,
a man with many faces
who in the dead of night just happened to steal mine.

ive lost myself.
any remenant of who i was
was killed in the fire that i burned your memory in
all that's left of me now is the ash prints that resemble your hands.

you tried to eat me alive
and i set you ablaze with all the hate i have for this world
and
i'm sorry our spark turned into a wildfire,
i let things get a little out of hand
and i let you inch by inch destroy everything that i loved
i would have extinguished you if you didn't force me into your bed all those nights
i would have stopped you if i had the strength
i can rebuild what ive lost
and find a new king  
to help me rule this world
but when i look in the mirror on nights like these, i don't even see my own eyes looking back at me

you either stole my heart
or

*i
became
you.

it's five am
&
the worlds just starting to wake up

but
this silly little heart of mine is still either asleep or numb
ive learned i can't tell the difference.

i want to step out of my hateful skin
and peel off my scales
like fabric
like feelings
like everything temporary.
like a snake molting its skin
i crave to be something new.
i want to shed the pure essence that is me
and leave my skin behind
so i'm just a tangle of strings
and broken clocks
and pulsating organs.
ill come to you in your dreams;
maybe give you a call around the holidays
but in the end, darling
you will be left somewhere
amongst
the dust
next to
beside
or within
my dead
excess
*skin

ive spun my web  
and caught little morsals
to pick my teeth with

and when ive
finished eating there skin
i use their bones
as instruments
to make something beautiful out of what they've left behind

i am innocent in less otherwise proven guilty
but no ones on the case

and with a smile of deceit on my face  the whole forest listens to
the melody of my eight legs cascading across my web
as
I pluck the strings
and make music
out of  dying screams
and the breaking of bones.

his bed was cold
and made of tombstone
and his sheets were starchy and made my skin crawl..

but
i still layed in the grave he dug for me
and
i shut off the lights in my head
And I sealed my eyelids shut with ice
so the rivers of emotion wouldn't seap through.
he had bought my skin for the night
he had bought my soul
so I layed there  
trying to dream up an excuse to escape the reality of his skin on mine
and
In my dream
I had built a house
a really pretty house
out of sticks and stones that can't break my bones
and in a place where the sun always shined
but now that I'm waking up
the woods rotting and there's maggots in the floor boards
from all the girls innocence that you murdered here
and all the walls and doors that I built up
you tore down
how am I supposed to hide
from a monster like you
In a place reduced to wood chips..?
And now since all the ***** hit the fan
and youre six feet under my skin
do you mind telling me
why you call your bed your tombstone
while you're very much alive and breathing
and i'm the one left dead?

possibilities grow at the ends of my fingertips
sprouting out and upwards
like a noose around your neck.
when i consider the possibilities
i often catch my self dreaming at the edge of a cliff.

(crawl inside my head and my thoughts will rip you to pieces.)

they call me young but they know that im bold
and i'd sleepwalk into a field of land mines
if it made me like the rest of you
mind numbed zombies
scared to die
or should i say scared to live..?

border line insane is what they call me
and here is my cage where they keep me at night
they swallow the key
kiss me goodbye
and forget that i was ever there.

go ahead and call me crazy
but even behind bars i am trapped in a world where people would rather take a pill
then face reality
where people would rather run from there fathers
there abusers
there misusers
even,
there own broken hearts.

so i dream
i dream of a better world
where everything's
wild
free and simple
where people laugh in the face of danger
and
live on the thrill of possibilities
and yes there's a chance i won't wake up tomorrow
there's a chance the world could fall to pieces
and this roof I sleep under could collapse on my head
but wouldn't it be wonderful if just for a day

the sun shined...
and the world smiled back?

you liked your alcohol just like you liked your women
a little watered down..
bitter to
the taste.

and nowadays you set your lungs ablaze
and shoot things into your veins that I don't even know the names of
but
i remember once
when i was the only thing that tortured you.

we were never minuscule enough to be soley about something as petty and chemical as..love

but somehow you ended up loving me
because
i didn't love you.

time is something we made up to escape the silence
of invisible beating wings
and hearts running rampant in chests belonging to people without names
and the laughter shines like sunshine
Through wooden shutters and doors that words creep through
our bodies creak as we dance to the music the earth plays for us
but for now,
we are all just children in tall grass
and the tall grass are the buildings and houses and places we call home..
we refuse to be silent
and we shake our bones in defiance
next to fires on late nights
with bottles in our hands
and words in our mouths that we will never say.
we wont stop breathing until
we stop dreaming
until we've fallen in love more times then we have fingers

until...  

never.

we are alive
&
we are young.
And maybe tommrow
when we are older
and bolder
we can shed our skins and our differences
and dance as one
in the cotton candy clouds
next to the diamond stars
with smiles so bright on our faces that nothing could stop us.

i am a beautifully misunderstood masterpiece
plastered with ugly truths and beautiful lies
i push boundaries and limits of what you thought you could be
and leave your little lungs empty.

i've knocked on deaths door twice but I still come home to you, darling

because when i learn to love you
i'll morph into something new
something pretty..
something that is the polar opposite of me.
i will become your expectations
and forget about who i use to be
make art of out my pain
and love, out of my heartbreak
no longer a caterpillar
i will be a little butterfly
shedding her skin
to finally
be something

*beautiful.

i'm stuck in a state of nothing
and I can feel my sanity slipping into the abyss of nothingness
after all
we are all broken people trying to understand even more broken misconceptions
trying to piece together the world like a big jigsaw puzzle so we can try to understand things were too scared to even discover.
So yes,
i am stuck in a state of nothing
because everything I've been taught
everything I have learned
has been worth nothing
and
nothing makes sense.
nothing. Makes. Sense.
we live on the lie that we control our lives.. but our lives control us
and when you don't conceal the truth with fancy cars and trinkets
you see life for what it really is

something beautiful.

worth?



**nothing..

the cop cars are the pulse of the city
weeding in and out of the city streets like veins to my corroded artery
and when their sirens come alive
no one dares to breathe.
But in the distance
the mountains shake with laughter
at the sheer mediocrity we call  life
and the trees whisper
words that we shouted from the rooftops on the darkest of nights
and
The earth vomits up
All the things we left behind
only to cover up our broken bones
when were to crippled to breath.

and
the city comes alive at night
beating drums in my head
all the
noise
So much noise
is
caused by the unity of our hearts.

i've detached myself from everyone
all my friends
all my family
they
don't seem to understand why I'm not happy
but happiness isn't something you buy, it isn't something that get with a side of mashed potatoes or pork chops
its a lifestyle.. A life style that every part of me ******* yearns for
i can't be happy here
looking at all your sad faces
all your self pity
i have enough of my own

all i have to say anymore is *******
to every single friend i have ever had that didn't even care enough to ask me if i was okay
*******
mom for leaving me
******* Josh, for ******* me over
**** this world
******* all , thank you.

you didn't tell me to shed my skin..

peel off  all my insecurity's
all my faults
all the retired parts this world has broken inside of me
and plaster them onto a depressed collage of memories
and photographs


you didn't tell me to make sense of all the depression in my head
fight all of my demons in one on one combat
so I could put it on paper for you to read
but I did..
I fought wars to see you smile
Tried to tackle your fears and pain
just to hear that laugh of yours
but I wasn't enough
I've never been enough
not for me
not for you  
not for anyone.


I shed all of me when I stepped out of my clothes for you.

my heart was stitched into every part of skin
that you touched
and every part of me that you made alive again with the dance of your fingers


i didn't just take off my clothes
i clipped my wings for you..
i had so many chances to fly but i didn't
i had so many reasons to break down but i didn't
and
i would rather have my heart broken a million times then to break a single one the way you did.
and you know what? it's okay if you don't want me anymore.. its okay if your friends make fun of me
or if you make jokes about what we were
(you always were good at that)
or who i am
who i was
what i was
to be honest, you've ****** me dry of feeling
and
pretty much
robbed me of emotion
altogether
but its alright, really
there's a beauty in so much self hate
and
being so ugly
so worthless
so ******* disgusting.
and
maybe someday
one day
i wont think of your insufferable face
&
i'll finally have a reason to live for me
instead of everyone else.

i see
the way
you look
at my
skin
and
the want
in your
eyes
consumes
me.

It's scary to think that every thought I think has been thought of the same way at least a thousand other times
to think that every word I say has already rolled off the tongues of the people of the past
to consider even for a split second
That every face I see, has just been recycled time and time again..
It's scary to think that everything I thought to be true, everything I believed so strongly I was
Has disintegrated into nothing.

i want to let myself feel something again
i wish you knew how bad
but
i don't know how to breathe
let alone
love myself
let alone
be okay.
i want to feel something again..
i want to fall in love with the shape your lips make when you talk
and the way you ramble on in the late hours..

i want to fall in love with the imperfectness that is you

but i only have two hands and one brain
and i don't know how..
and
i may seem strong now
but im not
and i don't think i'll ever be
because no matter how hard i try

**my bones will always break
just as easily as my heart does.

everyday is a dream
full of monsters
that dance with me to the edge of my grave.
they're the kind
that make art out of peeling off their skin
and selling there souls
they call it
happiness.
emptiness.
what's the difference these days?
everyday is a nightmare of beauty
a dream full of monsters
flickering like flames to a fire, just waiting to die.
and
i want to press my bones against the lips of life
that open my eyes every morning but im too dead to breath..

You sat alone
like I always did
your eyes wandering aimlessly like a stray cat left out in the cold and from the moment I saw you I knew you were different..
your eyes told me that we were the same as I felt your heart beating through your bird ***** ribcage
You use to be such a fragile little thing before you learned how to hide it
The sight of a man could ******* you.. and ironically that's how you lived your last few years..
'home is where the heart is' they say
But when you died
My heart went with you.

I grew out of my skin before my tenth birthday.

and left my childhood innocence stranded somewhere on the city streets for a couple of bucks
And
I never really liked the twist and turns of the highways here but they've always felt the closest to home
always lost, always moving in the wrong direction.

I've sold my soul to demons without names
and I'm guilty of falling in love with places more then people.

I grew out of my skin like I grew out of my mind
slowly and then all at once.

the whispers in the hallways
feed me the same
"stray in the reins of society, it will guide you, *******"
telling me I'm taking the wrong path
But they can't tell the sea from the shore

and I would have
drifted for years in my own tears;

*if the ship didn't sink and take my ignorance with it..

i've been alive sixteen years, four months and twenty two seconds
and I still get fooled by a pretty face

words are words
but when she looks at you like that, they become lies hidden in poems
every syllable
stretched   out  with those soft lips
are all ***** lies.
and underneath that skin, darling..
you're still a bag of bones like all the rest of us
trying to fit together like broken puzzle pieces
desperately seeking normality
and you can't change a thing
and no matter how you spin it
under that skin you live in
its a rotting cage

that stinks of ugly.

She was the girl in class they told to sit still
she was the one they wrote about on bathroom stalls
Ribs protruding like archaic armor
Ready to snap
Ready to go


It wasn't a little girls fairytale I promise
Because she came to you in your darkest dreams
And sang you the prettiest songs while you dreamed a million deaths and awoke in agony as you realized you were still breathing.

And the shivers down your spine were no match for the coldness in her heart
Her black wings covered her naked back
But all she was really trying to hide were the scars
she was foolish like me once too
She painted stories of blue, her sadness  plastered on her bones for all to see
a love mistook for lust
what a shame
Skinny love really can't get much skinnier when your out of flesh to peel
And you're starving and fresh out of  potatoes already huh?
And you've already sold your bones to some corpse who gets to dress up fancy and wear them next
And since your busy selling your soul to your demons.
Forking over all your limbs for more drugs
"save me a little slice of that broken heart, honey
After all, Misery always tastes the best served, bleeding and beating fresh out of the chest.."
And with those last words
She stretched her aching wings
bones so sore you can even hear the friction whisper
It seems her body spoke more words then she did
And
Each feather that fell from her wings hit the ground as hard as iron
She lived her life weighed down by all her burdens and regrets  
And when I asked her how she could still fly with a heart so heavy
and wings stained with iron
she simply sighed
and
melted into the night like ink on paper
She
Pale faced
Like newborn snowflakes that have never felt the harshness of the ground..
She sat breathing distance from you
Right by your bed side
Her ribs poked out of her chest like splintering toothpicks and broken  hearts  
and your world went black
catching only glimpses of
Her. lips.
So. close.
closing in on those little red rose petals you call a mouth
And you try to scream  but she devours your voice
Razors from her tongue shredding your cheeks into little bite sized pieces
And then you see it.. your life..your meaningless pathetic life.. hovering right above your reach
and you start to wonder if it all came down to this


Your eyes flutter open....


lips are hovering over your life drained face
and before you know it
her blood stained teeth slowly form into a pink sinister smirk that later turns into a grimace
and you can see that in between her teeth are little parts of you
like petite appetizers
Ripe for the picking
she swallows the rest of the flesh that envelops her throat
And
Licks her chops
Like she missed the taste of spilled blood


The rooms now full of chatter
the guests don't have very good manners
and
If you open your eyes and close your ears
The doctors around my hospital bed sound like crickets
And I think if I could be anywhere in the world right now we would be by the lake.
shes not scared to take you away so you shouldn't be either,
There is no point running from death
It's inevitable.
You are already chained to a world that is not entirely your own and tethered to a universe full of secrets

So while you were running to nowhere land,  can I ask you where you were?
and how far you got before time caught up?
and while i was lying half dead in that hospital bed
You we're dying merely a world away.

I have been waiting for this day for my whole life
and
She's still by my bed side black wings draped over my face..
The day has come where i can finally leave for good
but
I packed my suitcase full to the brim, three nights before, and something is still missing
And as you search amongst the darkness

*Her porcelain hands
reach out to guide you

cold as frost
But somehow
still managing
to leave
 blisters on your skin

She gave her heart to him
as he held her head under water, and when he entangled his hands in her curls
or when his words cut like the blade she used oh, so long ago
Her only response we're the bubbles of air that followed her silence..

her legs buckled like splintering twigs as he touched her,
she was really shaking and scared but he didn't care
and all those nights she spent crying;
come morning
her lips still formed poems of devotion and his arms still said she was safe.
and while he was
Too busy priding himself in all the nights he took her to bed
to even notice..
I saw her slowly dying
half a word away,
and I could only listen to the sound of her
bones breaking
as she said
"i love you"
one last time.

and if theres one last thing i could tell you
i think i would like to say thank you for letting me go
and after all we did
  after everything that transpired

it's okay.

i'm okay.

because i've set you free
  and i've learned to let things be
and maybe things didn't turn out the best in the end
  but everything happens for a reason
and isn't part of loving someone knowing when to let them go?
         you are the dust
the dust that lingers
           the dust that will always remain
in a special place, on the only shelf in my heart


**and i forgive you.

theres no such thing as being too far away
at least not in my book;
turn a blind eye to your feelings
and paint on a smile
because the world's a ****** place and there ain't nothing anyone can do about it.
I could run a hundred miles but I can never get far enough
you're still here, there, everywhere.
I'm out of breath by the time I see your face and I don't know if I should punch you or kiss you..
See, its that distance I crave
that dissociation from everyone
I want to wake up one day and not have to see your insufferable  face Imprinted in my mind.
I'm sorry I'm not sorry, but I think instead of an apology I'll stick with the *******'s
and go to hell's.
don't get attached to me not now not ever
And save your I love you's for somebody that needs them
Because you're going to wake up one day and ill be gone, or as some may call it.

**Free.

you aren't who i thought you were
and maybe that's what hurts the most.
vous êtes un ami de merde
(it means you're a ****** friend in French)
and i want you to know that
and so what if someday you're famous
so what if you dance
because in the end?
who's going to be there..?
not the girl you gossiped with between classes, not the boy you flirted with and are dating for the next week..
please tell me
what happens when your bones grow too old to dance?
who will be there to love you when your body doesn't move like it use too?
who's going to care?

So dear ****** friend, I want you to know one thing
instead of sticking around and just letting you hurt me again
I'm moving on
and if we meet again  
excuse my French
but
please remember

mal être mieux la prochaine fois autour de.



(I'll be better the next time around)