i often times get distracted from myself
by the person i like to think that i am

she's a ******* catch
     a cash-in-hand
     done-deal find
worth every dime

i'm tangled up line
     woven into the creek-bed
that couldn't even catch the sunlight

but it's alright

     i got a few coats of gold krylon
hiding my rust from the mirror

this isn't me trying to heal
from some pathetic broken heart
this isn't me in some sort of manic eposiode scrambling for my sanity
this isn't me trying to numb myself down so i don't feel pain
from something that happened ten plus years ago in my childhood
this is me now
these are the streets i walk
and
this is who i am

absouletley.
     positively.
    nothing.

don't take the detour in your fancy car
to this place
my dear,
the road less followed here
is still followed and still not worth the hours you will spend
trying to understand the sheer entirety of
it all

please don't waste your life
trying to find the beauty in this place
it
will be hard
if not impossible
to do

but if you decide to gamble
and
wager all your love and all of your life with me on this
do
check in the garbage cans
amongst the homeless hearts
and maybe in the gum under that bench
or the crumpled wrappers on the asphalt
right over there

in those forgotten things
you will find the good.

maybe.

i'm thoroughly convinced
that
everyone's blind
and schizophrenic
     here
and i don't want to listen to the noise that ricochet's off the walls of my skull anymore
when they're banging on their drumsets at two in the ******* morning
as if they're monkeys in a ******* zoo.

you're all too ******* loud.
go choke on your ****** personalities
and
shut up.


the cars beeping in the early morning
the screams
  the laughter

i can't help but
hate you all
because as much as i deny myself regular human interaction
and the ability to feel
as much as i keep myself locked up in a state of numb

  i crave your simplicity
to the deepest part of my core
and
i wish
so badly i could be happy and content with keeping up with regular trends and falling in love
and marriage and religion and laughing children
and babies coming into this world
and sunshine and butterflies
but i grew the **** up
and started seeing everything for the way it really is
ever since that one night
when i was too high to stop you
and you ****** me
with some type of desperation
and i told you to stop
bur you didn't hear me
i guess

were your ears virgins to the word ****..? or were you just dumb?

so many nights i try to justify what you did
to me
and convince myself that it was just the hallucinations
but we both know that i'm lying to myself..

whatever.
i'm over it.
doesn't matter anymore.
that's all seemingly irrelevant
all that matters is that
you know
that you ****** with the wrong girl
and so did all the rest of you.

i will sink this ship with all of you in it
even if it means going down with your sorry souls

and i don't care if you haunt me
i get enough screams in my dreams
when you touch my skin hugging jeans
(if you know what i mean)

so yes now that we're all on the same page
i
hate everyone
and that hate has festered like an open wound
into me hating
everything
in every city

everyday.

so from one person to another don't take the detour darling, and don't come to this ****** place
because i promise you your happiness won't leave with you when you pack up your bags

(i will have stolen it in the night)

you were better off at home
you were better off alone.

keep your children under lock and key
and hide your wife
have it be known county wide that
if you venture too far
into my woods
and
follow the bread crumb trail
like the naughty kids you are
you are in for a real treat.


please just assume
you can
withstand me

and know that
i will consume you
if you don't consume me first

if i were you id worry about cushioning the blow on your family
instead of your hair
when i open you up with my sword and let the hate flow out of you into a river of blood
your hairs gonna be a rats nest
i'll make sure of it.
all caked with dried up blood
face smeared in dirt.
just how you belong.
  

so listen to the road signs that scream dead end
and go back

this is my ghost town
and i will defend it and my heart at all costs
and when the day comes
when i can't do it anymore
i will dig my own grave and die here.

two more months, and it will be a year since you left.
and
i still have so many questions...

how come all i can write about is you
how come when it's late at night
and the dishes are *****
all i can think about is ball room dancing in the kitchen with you
and you laughing because i can't dance
for the life of me
and how come i still think of you ******* me against that cheap chinese made sink that always leaks
especially
in the heat of that one summer  
with
your mom
in the other room
and how we tried to stay quiet
but
ended up breaking into fits of obnoxious laughter

i always did love your one dimple
and how it always came out at the worst possible times

but ******* and **** your family
and **** all the lions in Africa
i don't need you to rule this world
or regain my pride

you opened your arms to me
and got so use to holding me  
tha you failed to realize that you started to hold me against my will

so
many nights
you drowned your common sense with that bottle of whiskey
and
so many nights you ate me like that birthday cake i made you
and so many nights you'd pin me down
and
**** me when
i was crying about my other ninety  nine problems
and i trusted you
and
you ended up being the worst one

and you would just hold me there
suspended in time
as you
****** away the day
and
my life
.

you just wouldn't let me go home.

my mom was in the driveway waiting
for me
and
i was too busy crying to notice.
shaken up
and over the top
like a cold coca cola.
waiting
for you to give me the okay
to put on my clothes
and buckle my seat belt
and lick the sticky sweetness of you off my lips..

do you
remember that one hot humid summer
when you hydroplaned
and crashed your car into that ravine
and nearly killed me
and all you were worried
about was the police figuring out
you didn't have insurance

and that guy with that lifted ford pulled your car out of that ravine and you laughed
and
shrugged it off
and sped away

well
despite what we thought
i died in that ravine
that day

and sometimes i wonder if you ever visit my grave
or hold me high in your head


do you..?


i want to go back in time
before the days
when no meant yes
and
your hands didn't feel like sandpaper

i want to tell you before you ever set your sights on a girl like me
to cut your loses
and let your expectations
and
me
  go.

i want to tell you all the things i hate about you
and that
i hate you for not letting me leave sooner.
and that i just
i hate you.

but
i
don't

in a twistedly
unexpected way


i think i forgave you a long time ago
but yet
i want to stab you in the throat and drink your blood like sweet wine..
so i can cherish
the ice that runs in your veins
and freezed
me over
all
those
frigid months ago
when no one bothered to save me.