If I could somehow turn back the clock,
I would change a lot of things.
I wouldn’t tell my parents how much it irritated me when they chew,
I would spend more time praying and trusting my faith.
I would still go to church and read my Bible.
I would slurp spaghetti, one noodle at a time.
And I wouldn’t waste my entire high school career moping over you. You aren’t dead, you weren’t stripped from me. You chose to leave, at that’s that, your choice. We all make choices that hurt other people, and unfortunately for me, I’m the one that got hurt. I spent so much energy, cutting into myself, and sobbing into my pillow. I blew everything out of proportion. I missed you, but that was no reason to hate my friends that you also dated. I was a *****.
If I could somehow turn back the clock,
I would fix all of that. From the moment you broke up with me, I would’ve tried to fix things between us, and if it didn’t work, I would have moved on to avoid my whole depressed phase. I was a *****. If it were possible, I’d stop that from ever happening.

I want to be remembered.
I feel like it's so generic to say,
But my biggest wish is to be known
After my death;
And for people to wish that
They had the opportunity to meet me,
Have a conversation with me,
And really get to know me as a person.
I want to be accomplished,
Rather than a pile of ash
After death.
I want people to search my name
Looking for a biography online,
I want people to write reports about me
And read books about my life.
I don't want fame and fortune
During my lifetime,
But I want the knowledge of
Being acknowledged and remembered
Well after I am gone.
The wish is the easy part,
Making it happen...
That's a different story.

If you have too much ***,
You're a ***** and a ****,
If you don't have ***,
You're a liar or a baby, what?
Losing your virginity,
Is something you only do once,
If you do it too late or early,
You're a dunce.
Society pressures us
All differently,
But honestly, I'd rather be a *****
Than a "liar baby".

I thought you would be sobbing when I was gone,
Little did I know that I would be the one
Broken and torn down;
Overwhelmed by everything all around.
Forced to face the fears
That I've had my whole life,
To think this misery could all be taken away
With the stroke of one kitchen knife.
A blade. Jagged on one side like my personality,
Face down in the kitchen drawer-
Let everyone see the smooth side of me,
It's almost appealing.
But it's still a knife,
And the thoughts of its uses
Gives me chills,
But sends others reeling.
Numb. How I wish to spend most nights,
If not caused by a knife
Then some substance or alcohol
Or maybe pills- and being propped up against a wall.
No one would notice-
If I was gone and missing for days,
My seat would be empty in class,
My rotting corpse in my room, but no one would notice.
Cold, chilling thoughts roam my mind,
Masterpieces I create in my head,
Leave me up late wondering,
"What would the world be like, if I was dead"?

Poetry is the voice
Of the hearts too damaged
To speak the language
Of a people who are not healed
Or healing, but of those
Who were never tattered to begin with.
It is the opportunity
To convey a message
In the only way known,
By those of us who have
Lost touch with the world
And everyone inside it.
We are not yet healing, or healed,
But in the depths of our wounds,
Some of us more injured than others
Yet all in the same swirling
Bottemless pit of depression
And aching.
Depression- such a powerful word,
Though never drawing attention to oneself
WE are in this abyss
Of nothingness and lonliness
Swirling around each other,
Bumping into each other,  but never leaving.

She laughs the laugh
Of hidden pain,
And numbs a portion
Of her brain,
The part that
Stores your memory,
And in that
Her favorite melody,
A tune she sang
When she was young,
And it's now forever
Stuck on the tip of her tongue,
Intangible, though
So close to her reach,
She's blocked all of her memories,
That's something you can't teach;
A skill, if you will,
A natural trait,
Though, God only knows
What's in store with her fate.

You were a giver,
You gave me everything,
Thats why the worst day,
Was when you grew your angel-wings.
You went up to heaven,
And looked down from up above,
You kept on giving,
You gave me all your love.
I make it through day by day,
Because your love absorbs the pain
And knowing that you're watching,
Is all that keeps me sane.
Though you barely knew me,
Or maybe you just don't remember,
You're my guardian angel,
A special gift that I treasure.
You lie within my heart,
Your spirit in my dreams,
When I'm asleep I feel close to you again,
Closer each night, it seems.
Rest in peace and take it easy,
You are loved and deeply missed,
What I would do for more time with you,
Has me sad and kind of ******.
A blessing to many,
A spirit that must live on,
You were one of the greatest I've know,
Nana, I can't believe you're gone.