you aren't
pushing me to go
but you're also not
pushing me to stay
so where do you want me to go
or do you even want me
I don't know anymore
and you sure as hell
aren't telling me what you want
so just make up your mind already
do you want me
or should I just go?

[bnm]

everyone has some sort of addiction that takes away the pain
some worse than others
but there is always
something to take it away
mine was a physical addiction
a blade cutting deep into my skin
allowing blood to spill out
each drop signifying my pain
or a flame running across my skin
the hundreds of degrees burning
the light being my pain
or holding that gun to my head
the bullet showing all the pain
all of the years and years of hurt
this was my addiction
physically damaging myself
as well as mentally
but the physical pain was to
take away the mental pain
and for a short time it did
for just a bit I was distracted
from my pain and hurt
but it was never enough
to make it go away
no matter how much I tried
it was always there
and even got worse time after time
but if it's an addiction
then for some reason
you enjoy it
or you hope that it will
take the pain away
why are you addicted to this

[bnm]

maybe to this world
I am just a burden
just someone who is here
weighing others down
in no way impacting people
for the good
like I am just sitting on their shoulders
or pulling them down
tearing them apart
being of no good to them
is that what anyone wants
to have happen to them
is that what anyone wants
to feel like they are in this world
so just let yourself go
you're better off that way
people are better off
without you

[bnm]

everything is becoming a blur
slowly fading
feeling myself let go
going to another place
and leaving this one behind
this place that has you
need to be somewhere
that doesn't have you
where I can't see or think of you
I'm falling up into the clouds
going higher and higher
but feeling lower and lower
all of this just to let go of you
to forget that I am missing you
maybe this time I won't wake up

[bnm]

I am stuck between somewhere
and nowhere
searching to be found
but still miles away
it's pitch black here
but I'm okay
feeling not like nothing
but not like something
I'm not living
but I'm not dying
just simply breathing
but I'm okay
close to letting go
but still holding on
but I'm okay
my heart is shattered like glass
broken in millions of pieces
but I'm okay
you left me
without a reason
you left me
to think of the reason
you left me
to cry at night
but I'm okay

[bnm]

I was never good at saying goodbye
and I never thought
I'd have to say that to you
but I guess all good things
come to an end
especially when you least expect
good things
we were more than
a good thing
you were the best thing
that has ever happened to me
and that was the worst thing
that could've happened
why is it even called a goodbye
nothing was good about that
I lost you
you were the most important
thing to me
you were my everything
my whole world
and I thought I was yours
but I guess I was wrong
all the things you said
you never meant
we were destined for goodbye
from the beginning

[bnm]

as the acid runs down my face
out of my eyes
I feel it all across my cheeks
leaving burn marks
where it touched my skin
most people
would hate the feeling of this
but for me
it's normal
I'm used to it
I like it
no..
I love it
I love the feeling
as the acid burns my cheeks
it makes me forget
how much I miss you
it takes that pain away just for a bit
but yet I still think about you
I think about us
our love
our hopes
our dreams
I never thought
I would see you go
or ever have to miss you
but I do
every drop of that acid
represents you
and all your memories
and tonight
that acid pours out

[bnm]

our love
is like a song
something I fell asleep to
every night
the song never seemed to
come to an end
I could just listen
to the beautiful sound of
the instruments playing
every night
it was like the sound of your voice
telling me you loved me
something I always looked
forward to
it was calming and peaceful
when go to sleep
and I listen to that melody
every now and again
I hear something a little different
but I didn't think anything of it
maybe it was to make the song better
as time went on
it kept changing
but now it's completely different
it's louder and not soothing
the instruments are out of tune
to the point they sounded like screams
our screams
I remember
during one night
I was listening to that song
the instruments sounded louder
than it has ever been
and in the middle
it got silent
no longer was our song playing
all I heard was dead silence
never again
did I hear our song playing
it had officially ended

[bnm]

holding onto you
is like holding your breath
sooner or later
you won't be able to breathe
you will just be gasping for air
or you will suffocate yourself
but letting go of you
seems impossible
I don't know if I can
I don't even know if I want to
I am still in love with you
I just wish you were
still in love with me
then maybe
I could breathe again
and I wouldn't have to just
hold onto you
I would have you

[bnm]

are we two different people
or too different people
we used to be like one
inseparable
loving
compassionate
considerate of the other
and so crazy in love
as time goes on
this place will always be the same
but we aren't
we have changed and still are
as we change
we grow further
and further apart
seems like I don't know
know who you are anymore
or do I not know who I am
the longer we stay this way
the more and more it falls apart
everything used to fall into place perfectly
we don't even know what
good looks like anymore
let alone perfect
we want different things now
we used to just want each other
and everything would be okay
with just that
what happened to us
going back to what we used to be
is impossible
we are just too different people now

[b.n.m]