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Bailee Carter Jan 2015
Oh Kaden,
My Kaden

I love you dearly
You are my son
I am your mother
Forever and always
My beautiful angel baby

Oh Kaden,
My Kaden
Kaden Alexander Carter
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
Terrified
Crying
Shaking
Sweating
Hyperventilating
At 2:37 in the morning
Because I dreamt of you

It seems so real
Even my unconcious mind
Tortures me

Never any sleep
My body is drained
Physically and emotionally

I have lost touch with reality

I cannot tell whether or not
Your hand is squeezing my arm
Or if your hand is around my neck

I still feel the sting of your slap
I still feel the tense bruising of your punch
I still feel the sharp pain of your fingers under my ribs
I still feel the life slipping out of me because your hand around my neck or my mouth
I still feel the poison of your lips on mine so forcibly

I never volunteered for that
I got out of it
I put it behind me
But it's like your still here

You left a lasting handprint
But I will cover it up
I will put makeup on it
I will tattoo over it
Anything

I will not allow you to still have control
You do not control me

Maybe I can't sleep because of the nightmares
Maybe I can't eat right because you never let me
Maybe I can't look in the mirror with a smile because you changed me
Maybe people can't touch me in certain ways because I will flashback to you

But I will overcome
I will sleep
I will eat
I will smile at my reflection
I will let a person touch me
I will overcome

Terrified
Crying
Shaking
Sweating
Hyperventilating
At 2:37 in the morning
Because I dreamt of you

B.C.
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
Our hearts are monsters, that is why our ribs are cages.
  Jan 2015 Bailee Carter
FallenAngel93
Cry quietly in a corner
Don't make a big scene
Don't let anyone think something's wrong
Remember not to be mean

Cry quietly in a corner
Don't drown anyone in your sorrow
You only have to live through today
You can **** yourself tomorrow

Cry quietly in a corner
Shield yourself from the world
For all they know you just like to cause trouble
Just a bratty little girl

Cry quietly in a corner
Don't let them see your pain
What's the most that they can do, help?
But what from that can you gain?

Cry quietly in a corner
They'll never know what's wrong
When you try to tell he says
"Those **** emo songs"

Cry quietly in a corner
Like the whiner they think you are
Like they care about the reason
Your wrist looks like it has bars
  Jan 2015 Bailee Carter
Eli Smith
They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul
His eyes are the windows into mine
Through his eyes I see every flaw
Every mistake
I see myself at my worst:
Screaming at 2 am,
my terrible need for companionship,
the depression that consumes me,
I see my greed, my jealousy, my fear,
how I wake up in the morning.
Through his eyes I am able to accept the fact that I am not perfect
That I will never be perfect.
That there is no need to be perfect.
I see my pure heart, my desire to give, my compassion, my strength.
With him, for the first time in years, I almost felt human.
Normal.
I feel right.
Strong.
Willing to fight for myself.
His eyes, greener than the grass in the middle of spring, grayer than the skies on a cloudy day, act as mirrors pouring back into me.
The hope I’d  long since forgotten existed within me.
Long before I knew of his name.
I can get lost in them.
He reminds me not to stare too long
Forces me to turn away
I didn't want to look away
He’s hypnotizing.
Many long before myself have seen themselves through his eyes.
Bitter, cold, jealous, mean,
They go insane.
I wonder if they didn't like what they saw.
But in his eyes is where I found me.
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
This is not a poem, but a simple truth I wrote a long time ago.

​She cut. She died. The end.
No.
She had a story just like you. She wasn’t some drama queen or attention seeker. She was a real kid with real problems and real issues. Whether you knew it then or not, she was in pain. Everyone has a story and everyone has pain. But some people just don’t have the strength they need to get through the things that hurt them so much. When someone looks to self-harm because of so much hurt, they aren’t trying to **** themselves they are trying to stay alive. This is the only way they get some kind of relief. They see how destructive it is, but it is either do this and live a little longer or die.
​Most people are scared of death. Scared to die. Scared of what happens next. But when some people are in so much hurt and pain they stop caring about the fear of death because nothing could be worse than the place they are at. No one understands anyone. No one has the exact same past and experiences and even if two people did they would both react differently. Most people who self-harm are just trying to get a bit of relief because they are scared of themselves and what they could do. They don’t want to die, they just want an escape, relief, or strength. No one wants to feel so bad that they want to die. It just happens and most of the time we don’t have any control of it because no one ever knows.
​You knew her. The girl in the hall that you saw before first period and lunch. Always standing alone with long sleeves and her hair in her face. You heard people say things about her and saw the way they looked at her. You witnessed her transition from a cute, outgoing, little girl to a dark, depressed, alone teenager. You saw it all, yet never thought twice. Never stood up for her. Never said hey. It may not have helped much but at least for a moment.
​Not everyone that wears long sleeves a lot, isolates themselves, or does different things is suicidal or self-harms. Everyone has secrets. Everyone has a story. Whether you know it or not, there is a story. Even when someone dies, whether natural, accidental, or purposeful, that is not the end. They still had someone. A family member, a friend, a teacher, a boss. Someone who was in their life. The person is not forgotten. Lives could be touched and changed because of that one person even if they are dead. But no matter what, no one deserves to die. No one.
​So yes she cut. Yes she died. But no that wasn’t the end.
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