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Bailee Carter Jan 2015
Terrified
Crying
Shaking
Sweating
Hyperventilating
At 2:37 in the morning
Because I dreamt of you

It seems so real
Even my unconcious mind
Tortures me

Never any sleep
My body is drained
Physically and emotionally

I have lost touch with reality

I cannot tell whether or not
Your hand is squeezing my arm
Or if your hand is around my neck

I still feel the sting of your slap
I still feel the tense bruising of your punch
I still feel the sharp pain of your fingers under my ribs
I still feel the life slipping out of me because your hand around my neck or my mouth
I still feel the poison of your lips on mine so forcibly

I never volunteered for that
I got out of it
I put it behind me
But it's like your still here

You left a lasting handprint
But I will cover it up
I will put makeup on it
I will tattoo over it
Anything

I will not allow you to still have control
You do not control me

Maybe I can't sleep because of the nightmares
Maybe I can't eat right because you never let me
Maybe I can't look in the mirror with a smile because you changed me
Maybe people can't touch me in certain ways because I will flashback to you

But I will overcome
I will sleep
I will eat
I will smile at my reflection
I will let a person touch me
I will overcome

Terrified
Crying
Shaking
Sweating
Hyperventilating
At 2:37 in the morning
Because I dreamt of you

B.C.
Bailee Carter Feb 2015
A beautiful girl
With little brown curls
And brown eyes filled with life

A beautiful girl
So small and petite
Of only seven years of age

A beautiful girl
That raises so many questions
And makes you feel sorry

A beautiful girl
Sitting alone
In a psych hospital

BC
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
I am absolutely terrified of being alone
But sometimes I like it
Because when I am alone there is no one left to hurt me

B.C.
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
Our hearts are monsters, that is why our ribs are cages.
Bailee Carter Feb 2015
Don't write cliches,
because people are more than just clichés.
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
Everything collapsed
And sunk right under my feet
I tried holding on to the edge
As I just dangled there helpless

It’s gotten very hard to hold on
As people on the other side
Kick and stand on my hands
Trying to knock me off
Trying to hurt me

I’ve gotten very tired ​
And it is so tempting to just let go
But I wait
Just wishing for a person on the other side
To pull me up

But I’m the only one
That can pull me up
But I have no strength

So I’m left to just dangle
Or to let go and fall

B.C.
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
The darkness
It’s so forceful and needy
It picked me
And now I’m stuck

I tried to resist
But the urge is so strong
I tried to pull away
But it pulled me even further
I always fought
But I wasn’t strong enough
To win that fight or the next

For the darkness is to strong
It will pick you
Taunt you
Wreck you
Ruin you
Until you are nothing

At least that’s what happened to me…

B.C.
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
I give up

I’m done crying
I’m done hurting
I’m done caring
I’m done helping
I’m done trying

I’m done with people
I’m done with books
I’m done with music
I’m done with it all

There is no point anymore
All my motivation is gone
No one cares anymore
All my love is gone
There is no help anymore
All the good people are gone

I am just done

B.C.
Bailee Carter Feb 2015
A person should always strive to fulfill all of his dreams. This will allow him to thrive in his life.
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
“What is stopping you?”

“The fear of caring.”

“The fear of caring?”

“Yes, I’m scared to care.
I’m terrified to care for people because they always hurt me and leave me. So I don’t see the need to care for people. It’s like walking into a labyrinth holding hands so you don’t get lost and then the person trips you and runs away leaving you lost and stuck in the labyrinth all alone. So yes I am scared of caring because I am scared to be alone.”

B.C.
Bailee Carter Jan 2017
I saw her everyday
As I walked home from school
She would stand against that same “No Smoking” sign
I never really understood
How she could stand against that sign
And disobey it everyday
Or maybe she didn’t understand it
I mean after all she did stand there
In her fishnet stockings and 5 inch heels with money slipping out of those stockings
Smoking
Just smoking until there was nothing left to smoke on that ole cig
She smoked that thing religiously everyday
As if it would make her immortal
Although, ironically, it did the exact opposite
Maybe it’s like her
So stereotypical
But maybe she’s the exact opposite
She stands in those infamous heels and fishnet stockings
Like a stereotypical *****
But maybe she just got off her minimum wage part time job at the costume shop down the street
Maybe she’s not a stereotypical mother
But that doesn’t mean she’s a stereotypical ***** either
And she’s also not a freak nor an outcast
Just because she is NOT a stereotype
She’s just a person
Just a woman
Standing at that same “No Smoking” sign
In her favorite 5 inch heels and fishnet stockings
Who likes to smoke so much she may even think it’d make her immortal
“Write a poem using the following: a “No Smoking” sign and a pair of fishnet stockings.”
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
She sits alone
Face soaked with tears
Hands shaking
Broken mirror
****** knuckles
Holes in walls
Tissues everywhere
And blood dripping down her arms
She takes one last look
And hates what she sees
She can’t stand herself
And never could
She was never strong
Nor happy
And always alone
She picked up the blade
And made one last slit
Now she’s gone
And I’m left sitting alone

B.C.
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
I say I hate when people judge
But I might just be the biggest hypocrite

I take one look at a person and determine whether or not they would be a suitable acquaintance
I take one look and decide whether they are a liar
I take one look and can see most of their past and their story
I take one look and can tell what you’re thinking
I take one look and I run away because I’m scared of the results of asking for your name

They call it body language
I call it instinct and experience
I can tell a hurt soul
I can tell a soul in love
I can tell an unfaithful soul
I can tell pretty much all

I may be a hypocrite
I may be a bad friend
But this is my way of seeing how to help someone and not hurt myself in the process

B.C.
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
This is not mine by any means but I admire this band. This song very closely related to what I'm going through and how I feel. This is the song "I Need A Miracle" by Third Day.


Well, late one night, she started to cry and thought, "He ain't coming home"
She was tired of the lies, tired of the fight, but she didn't want to see him go
She fell on her knees and said, "I haven't prayed since I was young
But Lord above, I need a miracle"

Well no matter who you are and no matter what you've done
There will come a time when you can't make it on your own
And in your hour of desperation
Know you're not the only one
Prayin', "lord above, I need a miracle
I need a miracle"

He lost his job and all he had in the fall of '09
Now he feared the worst, that he would lose his children and his wife
So he drove down deep into the woods and thought he'd end it all
And prayed, "Lord above, I need a miracle"

Well no matter who you are and no matter what you've done
There will come a time when you can't make it on your own
And in your hour of desperation
Know you're not the only one
Prayin', "lord above, I need a miracle
I need a miracle"

La dda dda dda
La dda dda dda
La dda dda dda
Wooooooooah!
La dda dda dda
La dda dda dda
La dda dda dda
Wooooooooah!

He turned on the radio to hear a song for the last time
He didn't know what he was looking for, or even what he'd find
The song he heard gave him hope and strength to carry on
And on that night they found a miracle
They found a miracle

La dda dda dda
La dda dda dda
La dda dda dda
Wooooooooah!

And in your hour of desperation
Know you're not the only one
Prayin', "lord above, I need a miracle"

"Lord above, I need a miracle"
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
They feed me more and more
When I refuse to eat
They think I’m starving myself
But I’m not
I’m just not hungry
Is that such a problem?

They yell at me
When I fail to do something correctly
They think I’m rebelling
But I’m not
It was just an accident
Is that such a problem?

They call me names
When I stand up for myself
They think I want control
But I don’t
I just shouldn’t have to take all of that
Is that such a problem?

They make me do things
When I lay around
They think I’m lazy
But I’m not
I just can’t ever sleep at night
Is that such a problem?

I know I don’t eat as much as I should
I know I make mistakes
I know I’m not perfect
I know I could do more

But I’m not hungry
But it was an accident
But I shouldn’t have to take all of that
But I can’t ever sleep

I know I am such a problem
And I’m sorry…

B.C.
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
I was the fighter
I fought the battles
Against the monsters everyday
I protected my family
It was always the same

My mom
My dad
And my brother
We're the ones I always fought for
But little did I know I was the biggest victim of them all
I would always protect them
And fight for them
Until the end

Sometimes it was scary
But I always stayed strong
Though when I was alone
It tore me apart
But I never let anyone see
For then I wouldn't be the fighter

I hid it deep inside
And protected my family

I never let them see how much I was hiding
I always put others first
But now I see
I need to help myself first
So I can be strong for others

To this day I hide things
But I get help when I need
I still am the fighter
As I always will be


B.C.
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
Oh Kaden,
My Kaden

I love you dearly
You are my son
I am your mother
Forever and always
My beautiful angel baby

Oh Kaden,
My Kaden
Kaden Alexander Carter
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
What happened to us?
There used to me that magnetic attraction between us,
where we couldn’t be apart without it hurting.
But now,
now it hurts when I’m around you.
Now instead of being attracted like a magnet,
you repel me.
Instead of North and South
being pulled together so close that there was no space in between,
we are both North.
Now you push me away farther than the magnetic field can even reach.
The pain of being pushed away
by someone I was so close to,
is unbearable.

B.C.
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
My monsters sit on my shoulders and talk to me
They point out things
Every flaw
In others
And in me

At first they kept me company
But now my monsters just hurt me
Putting down everything I do
Never do I get a break
From this unwelcomed terror

Fat
Ugly
Stupid
Worthless
Scared
Alone
Annoying
Nothing
Pain
Emo­
Selfish
Insane
Disgrace
Creepy
Strange
Outcast

These are only a few
Of the names my monsters call me
To them I'm pointless
They put me down
And make me think

Maybe
Just maybe
They might be right

My monsters laugh
They have destroyed me
For that was their plan all along
To hurt me
To cause me pain
To make me fear myself
To make me so insecure

Just to hurt me
Just to laugh
They become believable
After time and time again

My monsters left me
Once I was destroyed
For my friends at once
Had ruined me
Only to leave me all alone

My monsters are gone now
But they left me in a million pieces
So now there is no point to go on


B.C.
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
Never saw your eyes
Never saw your little hands
Never saw your precious face

Never held your little hands
Never held you in my arms
Never held your head up straight

Never sang to you
Never read you a story
Never whispered to you to ease your crying

My beautiful baby

I see your big brown eyes
I see your sweet chubby little hands
I see your beautifully handsome face

I feel your little hand wrapped around my finger
I feel your small little body resting in my arms
I feel your soft little head

I sing to you every night
I read you a bedtime story
I talk to you all the time

My beautiful baby

You are still here
You will live on
I will never forget you
I love you my sweet little baby
I am your mother
You are my precious miracle

I love you
My beautiful baby

B.C.
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
Oh, my darling
So beautiful
So sweet
So innocent
You didn’t deserve this
You didn’t deserve any of it
You are my world

Oh, sweet child of mine
I’m so sorry
I’m so hurt
I’m lonely
You deserve to live
You deserve to grow
You deserve my everlasting love

Oh, sweet child of mine
I’m so sorry
I let you slip through my fingers
I will never forget you or stop loving you
Oh, my darling

B.C.
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
I was protected
By my house that stood so tall
My house was my home
Filled with deep compassion
I was protected by that house
Even as I grew older
My house began to wither
And filled with more sorrow and despair
That house still protected me
I always thought that in all the storms
That house would protect me
For it had done just that before
My house had never failed me
I had no reason to doubt
But then one day
An unexpected twister came through
And my house crumbled down
My house didn’t protect me
It just left me all alone
I had a house that stood so tall
To having a house that didn’t stand at all

B.C.
Bailee Carter Jan 2017
He lost it.
He could feel his sanity draining from his body and coming out through beads of sweat, the anger rising up into his now blood-red face and the infamous smoke shooting out of his ears, the earthquake taking place inside his body causing him to tremble and shake uncontrollably, the white flag that the first tear waved in an attempt to go back to the way things used to be, and the poor excuse for carpet now beneath what used to be his sanctuary but now was as much of any enemy as the world: his body. He could feel the stares of his curious killers glaring down at him with their judgement-filled eyes.
With no sense of time or care in the world, he closed his eyes and slipped away from the world in that moment on the carpet, holding an open and empty stapler and the knife he used to cut out the last bit of pain the world and his enemies had left behind.
He had not just lost it in one immediate mental breakdown over something trivial to society. No. His body and mind had been gradually giving up on him as the days of stress and hatred went by and the nights filled with tears and sorrow counted down until his demise.
It isn’t some immediate thing like a stab that cuts into your heart. It usually never is, but that is all people on the outside see: a sudden, quick, and inconvenient loss.
The pain and severity of the world crashing down around you and ultimately burying you into its eternal embrace, does not strike fast and leave just as quickly. Rather it drags the pain out until there is only a thin thread holding that person together. The littlest things can be what cuts that thread into two dangling and useless pieces of thread in the end. Though they may be seen as trivial, they are the person’s lasts hope that was then crushed right before them.
It never seems to be a clean cut either, but more of a dull and rigid cut that is, like the internal destruction of the world around you, dragged out until its end.
The littlest things, such as no more staples, can be the end of something so precious yet poisoned by the world: a beautiful life.
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
I am the only person
Alone in a crowded room

I am the only person
Who can’t see ahead

I am the only person
With my head down

I am the only person
Who cries in bed for hours

I am the only person
Who doesn’t know what love is

I am the only person
Who receives so much hate

I am the only person
Who worries 24/7

I am the only person
Burdened by my own existence

I am the only person
Then, Now, and Forever

B.C.
I know I'm not the only one
Or
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
Or
Was she…..

So simple
Or
So complex

So friendly
Or
So pretending

So happy
Or
So depressed

So alive
Or
So dead

You never know

B.C.
Bailee Carter Feb 2015
Scars remind us where we've been, but they don't have to dictate where we're going.
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
This is not a poem, but a simple truth I wrote a long time ago.

​She cut. She died. The end.
No.
She had a story just like you. She wasn’t some drama queen or attention seeker. She was a real kid with real problems and real issues. Whether you knew it then or not, she was in pain. Everyone has a story and everyone has pain. But some people just don’t have the strength they need to get through the things that hurt them so much. When someone looks to self-harm because of so much hurt, they aren’t trying to **** themselves they are trying to stay alive. This is the only way they get some kind of relief. They see how destructive it is, but it is either do this and live a little longer or die.
​Most people are scared of death. Scared to die. Scared of what happens next. But when some people are in so much hurt and pain they stop caring about the fear of death because nothing could be worse than the place they are at. No one understands anyone. No one has the exact same past and experiences and even if two people did they would both react differently. Most people who self-harm are just trying to get a bit of relief because they are scared of themselves and what they could do. They don’t want to die, they just want an escape, relief, or strength. No one wants to feel so bad that they want to die. It just happens and most of the time we don’t have any control of it because no one ever knows.
​You knew her. The girl in the hall that you saw before first period and lunch. Always standing alone with long sleeves and her hair in her face. You heard people say things about her and saw the way they looked at her. You witnessed her transition from a cute, outgoing, little girl to a dark, depressed, alone teenager. You saw it all, yet never thought twice. Never stood up for her. Never said hey. It may not have helped much but at least for a moment.
​Not everyone that wears long sleeves a lot, isolates themselves, or does different things is suicidal or self-harms. Everyone has secrets. Everyone has a story. Whether you know it or not, there is a story. Even when someone dies, whether natural, accidental, or purposeful, that is not the end. They still had someone. A family member, a friend, a teacher, a boss. Someone who was in their life. The person is not forgotten. Lives could be touched and changed because of that one person even if they are dead. But no matter what, no one deserves to die. No one.
​So yes she cut. Yes she died. But no that wasn’t the end.
Bailee Carter Mar 2015
I just lie here
Balling my eyes out
Searching for my heart
But you stole it
Quite a while ago
And I’m not sure where you hid it
But it’s yours now
So I guess you don’t have to give it back

I guess I’ll just be in love with you forever
And that love won’t fade
Nor lessen
Nor dissolve

Because I guess I can only love you
Since you stole my heart

And then decided to destroy it
Stomp on it
Smash it
Hammer it
Run it over
And hide pieces of it everywhere

So if there ever comes a time
That you decide to give it back
It will never be the same
And I’ll always be missing pieces

No matter how much I search
Or how much glue and tape I use
It’s just too broken to be repaired

And you may tell me I have your heart
But I know **** well I don’t
I haven’t had it in a while
I guess you stole it back

Hmmm
You seem to be pretty good at that

Then you just gave your heart away
To her

And looks like now you have her heart
And mine

I can’t decide
If you actually love her like you say
Or if you’re just playing me to watch me cry

But you see I don’t have your heart
Just the imprint it made on my life
I’ll learn how to live
Crying myself to sleep because I’m thinking of you
Just so you can go to sleep smiling because you’re thinking of her

B.C.
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
“What are we doing?”

“What do you mean?”

“We’re dying on the inside on the opposite ends of a telephone call. We act like there is nothing wrong and just hope to God the other doesn’t hear the hurt in our voices.”

B.C.
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
I feel them
Crawling around inside me
Eating me inside out
They are destroying me
And I can’t stop them

I’ve tried it all
I’ve done all the methods
And tried all the pills
But
Nothing works

For I sit alone in my bed
And cry my last tears
As I feel them take complete control
And I am gone

The demons have broken me
Into unfixable pieces
As I am now gone

B.C.
Bailee Carter Feb 2015
Those eyes
Are what keeps me awake

Those eyes
Are what keeps me going

Those eyes
Are what makes me smile

Those eyes
Are what reminds me of good times

Those eyes
Are what reminds me of love

And I just sit here
Beside you quietly
Looking into those eyes
Because they are the only thing
Keeping me sane
In this psych hospital

BC
Bailee Carter Jan 2017
I thought you were in pain
I thought you were in need
I thought you were insane
Not “send him to an asylum and lock him up” insane
But really desperate for professional help
You’d cry on my shoulder
And scream as if something were clawing at your heart
You had conversations with voices no one else heard
You would see your father next to you in the mirror
Even though he was a locked up perv
You said and did everything to make me feel for you
And make me bend over backwards
And do front handsprings off of skyscrapers
And jump into the depths of the ocean only to be swallowed by sharks
Only for you to get off to seeing me dying from the inside out in so many ways
I’d turn away and close my ears
Only to find you were laughing at me
You would laugh at me every time I turned away
Only quiet enough for no one to hear
And I’d come back as you cried and begged to take your life
I’d stay awake all night lying in fear and sadness
I’d look at the ceiling until I couldn’t cry anymore tears
Until you’d call me with a knife in your hand
Ready to end it all
Until I found out you had a game controller in your hand
And were only out of breath because you just did your neighbor
And you were both just sitting around laughing
At me desperately trying to convince you not to do it
You played me the worst I’ve ever been played
And that says a lot regarding my past with being played
I thought you needed help
I thought I was helping you
But oh was I wrong
You’re just a pathological liar
With Borderline Personality Disorder
I loved you and I thought I was helping you
I tried so hard
Only to have a serious decline in my health
But my God was I wrong
And I just hope to God that the next person you **** over is much more aggressive than me
And not as fragile and caring as I was

Just take my advice and stop ******* with people’s lives
Or go ahead and buy yourself a tombstone now
But oh I’m not wrong about this
Whether it’s you or another person
You will end up dead with your little charades
So ******* now and forever
Why
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
Why
Why can’t I see it?
Why can’t I see when so much hurt and pain is coming my way?
Am I just that stupid and ignorant
Or am I just too busy creating my own fantasies
In a world full of hurt and pain

B.C.
Bailee Carter Jan 2015
This is a tough choice
And sometimes it gets quite difficult to even feel there is a choice
But the choice is quite simple:
Let it sweep you off your feet and blow you away
Or fight it and push against it

Mother Nature likes to take away free will
She will try and try again
To make the wind force you off your feet
She loves to watch as you fall to the ground and lie in a puddle of tears
A nasty little ***** she is

You must fight
You can’t just give in
You must push against the winds
Whether they be calm or the strongest winds of all

You may struggle
And you may fall
But pick yourself up
And knock of the dirt

Don’t let it knock you down too hard
If you do you’ll end up with a scrape that you must mend
But if you fight,
You may be tired
But in the end you will feel victorious

B.C.

— The End —