I see couples holding hands
families spending time
the air filled with laughter and joy
the full magic of summer

here i am
alone and forgotten
forced to watch from the outside
refused entry
destiny is mocking me
constantly reminding me of what it is i cannot have but desperately desire and need

hopeless and confused
paralyzed by fear
torn
I wish the days by
happy holidays to me

finally i have found what i have lost some three plus years back that indestructible bold unpolished teenage spirit that experienced knew things every single day unknowingly challenging the envelope, and it never broke, but molded and bended to all the magic my mind could conjure up. i stood on the cuff of my future and leaped forward not seeing the staircase but through faith and i flew. i made the mistake of coming down because i missed the misinterpreted notion of belonging to a pride. see when an eagle is raised by ground based eagles who believe themselves to be chickens its difficult to comprehend the new found freedom of the sky it is over whelming and i gave it up, unknowingly.
ever since, i could feel the gnawing emptiness in my soul. the wild wanting to fly and never feel the  conforms of society again. i have been busy with chicken for too long. selling my gracefulness on the cheap.

even on a good day do i feel that i am lacking in others eye's and no matter how i try to reshape myself or add or detract i am never enough. i try and treat people as i which to be treated admittedly not always succeeding but i put in the time and effort. yet i am always left behind. never picked for a summer street game. never invited to events. never part of the social light. i try to just be me and be. but even this cause my heart to tare due to even more mirrors braking.
in the end im left in the dark wondering how come i am willing to forgive and give second chances but non are afforded to me, no understanding or empathy is shown.
and then they call me names

season's come and go
my yin yang remains constant
through rain and sun
through death and life
the compass remains fixed
frozen in place
searching for a horizon whose existence is uncertain
my famine and abundance
once leveled the scale
now my famine is overwhelming
like drowning but not able to die
but forced to relive the process of death repeatedly
plagued by the natural need for love
it cannot be removed, destroyed, ignored or exchanged
left unattended it grows desperate equaling to enslavement
still sea worthy i follow my compass
hoping for the storm to end and the shore to appear
i no longer wish for the treasure just the glow of land

a dream
a wish
a star that dies in the black sky
unknown, lost among the billions and billions
never to be remembered

I don't understand you
and your idiotic ways.

The way you change what you say,
the games you play,
each and every day.

I don't understand you
and your constant anger.

I didn't do what you think I did,
your confusing yourself,
you're being such a kid.

I don't understand you
and how you can manipulate.

Once its her then it's me,
make your mind up you see,
or else neither will be.

I don't understand
how you can just ease on through.

Not a care in the world,
you blink and you cry,
as if I'd want a goodbye.

I don't understand
what made you think.

The pain you cause,
the hurt you feel,
it may not be as real.

The anger has gone,
it has now disappeared.
What has happened from it,
is it that you feared.
I don't regret what I said,
and nor am I ashamed.
You feel you are the good one here,
But is that all you have claimed?
You seem to think it was me in the wrong,
but now you realize the wrong you have done.
It's not good to sit and fight and argue,
but here and now I believe I have won.

emotionally unavailable or ******* people
myself mutilating chosen vice

(that desperate to feel
needed, wanted and appreciated
i teach pigs to fly
unattainable and insane
but driven by a need i can't control but understand
the war for control over my unfulfilled needs
the worst kind of abuse, chronic insecurity)

usually comes to an explosive end
me, demanding revolution
them, startled

a stone path
lit by faith
surrounded by black
protected by love
identified by slow adding moments
made to endure time and death
i believed this was my hunting map
now crown less
a peasant wandering
insecure
seeing but not knowing what
lost my will to try
avoid all to protect the heart
my source of life

i believed
i understood the image of love
that i would be able to identify false love
not the bedtime story love
but earnest love
now
i question its possibility of existence

my 3rd vice
my catalyst for food restriction
desperate to sooth my shattered self image
daily bombarded by airbrushed perfect female beauty
braking my image of beauty and showing my cellulite
followed by overloading information about fixing me
regular exercise, beauty routines and Cal restricted diets
insecurity the new female epidemic
we fight for women's rights
and threw the baby out with the bath water
a basic human need
unmet and exploited
our legacy
the English standard
geneticly out of reach for women of color