The world spins and rushes around us,
everyone with their own agenda.
At times I hunger for silence.
Then other times I question the nature of silence,
and whether it is silence I truly yearn for or not.
I come to realize it is not silence I want, but peace.
Some tranquility, some slowness.
Some public silence.

I can lay
right next to you
and never touch you

I can see you smile
from across the room
without kissing you

I can watch you
leave the room
and resist hugging you goodbye

But sometimes
when I'm next to you
you have to ask me to move away

Because for a few minutes
I let fantasy get confused with reality
and I lean against you during a movie

And it's so warm
your arm and mine, touching
for that minute I'm at peace

But when you ask
of course I make room
Because I don't want you to feel uncomfortable

And if you weren't my friend
I would probably try it
just once, to know what it would be like to kiss you

But ideally,
I'll get over this
and when I am, we'll still be friends

So in the meantime
I try not to think about kissing you
and I only hug you when I have reason to

What I'm saying is
I will do what I can
to keep myself sane and our friendship intact

But just know
that with every look I give
I wish I could give so much more.

Late at night is when I think
And try to I clear my head
I often stay awake all night
Just laying in my bed

As soon as I get comfy
Thoughts start racing in
I start to question everything
and regret my every sin

At first the thoughts are gentle
Like what will I do tomorrow
But as time crawls by; they escalate
Till I'm drowning in my sorrow

I think of all my failures
Every detail of what I did wrong
After hours of reliving pain
I convince myself I don't belong

I suddenly feel isolated
and like the silence will never end
I feel like I will never escape
There's too much I just can't mend

I feel overpowered and worthless
Like I'll never do anything right
I hide till the world fades away
And I'm awoken by the light

I realize a new day has come
It's time to put on a brave face
I put those negative thoughts away
Until I return to this place

Today I realized people are meant to share.

I'm not speaking of a physical sharing,

but rather a sharing rooted in caring.

You see today my friend needed me,

she had lost her job and had to vent.

Two and a half hours later,

after hearing all the woes life had gave her,

we both were happier than we'd been.

Conversation, collaboration, communion, and caring.

We aren't meant to tackle life alone.

O me! O life!… of the questions of these recurring;
Of the endless trains of the faithless—of cities fill’d with the foolish;
Of myself forever reproaching myself, (for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)
Of eyes that vainly crave the light—of the objects mean—of the struggle ever renew’d;
Of the poor results of all—of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me;
Of the empty and useless years of the rest—with the rest me intertwined;
The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?

Answer.

That you are here—that life exists, and identity;
That the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse.

It's been a while.

I've been bottling.

Bottling up all of my emotions because life got better and fewer had to be dealt with...

But I am still me, I can see.

Written into the lines of this old, online poetry

are feels that I can't explain, can't describe;

but can only know.

Reading back my words brings waves of emotion,

disconnected from time and place;

able to stand on their own

as a sort of expression.