if by senior year of high school
you are tired of your life
make mountains out of mole hills
cut ties with your best friend
because your ex nothing
kissed her on new years
blame them both
don't speak until a year later
tell him you made him
he would be nothing without you
fall for your friends
because you know it will never work
be needy
go to prom by yourself
pretend to rock it
then cry in your grandmas minivan before you leave
burn bridges with your friend group
for no good reason
other than
by senior year you are tired with your life
choose your college entirely on a guy
make sure he is boring
mediocre
and smells of trouble and mental illness
spend all summer trying to make him less boring
convince yourself he is perfect
move twelve hours away
because you don't want to know anyone
hate your roommate
but don't ever give her a chance
get way too comfortable with the boring boy
feel superior
because you're smarter
and you've partied more
steal adderall from the party
because that makes you look cool
give him all of you
mind and body
by that I mean
english papers and shower ***
ignore the signs that he's lost interest
force yourself on him anyway
cry to your friends back home when you're drunk
cry because you are twelve hours away
drink because you are twelve hours away
smoke to stop crying
smoke to stop drinking
don't eat anything
always take the stairs
walk the long way to class
never stop moving
******* are not enough to force up your self-pity
three fingers makes it a little easier
don't look at yourself in the mirror
you are still not good enough for the boring boy
take the blame when he snitches on you
do not fight for yourself
sleep with him again anyway
tell yourself "there is no sin too great"
this is what you wanted
because by senior year you were tired of your life

People know because I show them my words,
I never say them.

This is how I express my sores,
I can never speak of them.

I physically can't.

The after shock is setting in, like the ferociousness of an ocean
Tearing me down again and again

It’s a chain of events,
A cycle of sin.
Always staying hidden,
So we cannot win.
Shame has the upper hand,
Cloaked in secrecy.
A moment of pleasure,
******* was the fee.

It’s a shame to speak of
Things done in secret.
A convenient excuse
To hide how wicked
Things we’ve formerly done.
Past; but hidden still
From next generations
Stumbling the same hill.

Darkness will always flee
When the Light confronts.
Are we evading Truth,
Fearing their judgement?
But who hasn’t fallen?
Which ones have no sin?
We must walk in light to
Fellowship again.

At first light, Easter Sunday morning,
The lilies on my mother's table
Trumpet Resurrection.
Not far from me,
My father's ashes, cool now,
Begin their dusty settling,
While I contemplate
The Resurrection.

"Don't try heroic means!"
He'd tell us.
"I'm old ... used up."
He even told me once
That if we found him in a home,
Lost in a coma,
That I must smother him.
(I told him no.)

I know what he meant, though.
"Do not resuscitate!"
To him, and now to me,
Requested no annihilation,
But declared his hope of Resurrection...
The Savior's gentle nudge to bring
A glorious morning's waking
Other where:
Shedding worn old limbs,
Renewing battered heart,
Erasing a million sins,
Though long forgiven,
Still borne on earth -
Consequential scars
Of living.

Easter Sunday morning,
My father's death, still fresh,
Brings me to affirm,
Christ died for sinful men
So they might live again.

But at this moment the Messiah stands risen from the dead, the first one offered in the harvest of those who have died. For since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead also came through a man. (I Corinthians 15:20-21)

db April 8, 2012

Invisibility is a lonely place.
Quiet, peaceful, but empty.
There are others here, too.
But we're to afraid to speak.
for fear our voices will shatter glass of silence
that shields us from the rest of the world.
A desire rests deep in our hands
to strike the pane, color our knuckles with something
as real as blood and pain.
To see life in liquid form,
coursing down our pale skin,
grasp a hand from the other side
to be lost in deep words
with a like minded companion.
Traipsing down the deer trails of thought
while the leaves of dreams
fall at our feet.