I think the biggest mistake we make is when we expect to find someone to understand us when we don't understand ourselves.

Even if we do truly understand our inner being, it is extremely rare that we meet someone who vibrates on the same spiritual frequency.

That's why we're all so alone.

aa

black holes exist
in the depths of hearts
that have forgotten love

*AA

Maybe it was love

maybe it was bourbon

maybe it was the hash

that baked us like an oven

*AA

I never knew
Lying in bed awake at night
With you on my mind
Could be so wonderful
And frustrating at the same time

I never knew
How much I could love someone
Until my mind refuses to rest
Because it's so set
On keeping you inside my head

*AA

Sometimes we forget we're human. We make mistakes, we fail, we get blood on our hands. We forget that even after that, we are capable of better, and growth, and forgiveness. We forget that we deserve peace, however big the wrongdoing, or how badly we've been burned. We forget that everyone's fighting their own battles, we forget reason. We forget to understand and listen.

*AA

I will love you
I will kiss you where it hurts until the hurt goes away

I will love you
I will hold you and leave marks on your skin only to remind you I'll stay

I will love you
I will care for your heart like no other so you'll never be lonely another day

*AA

You stole my heart and left flowers there to bloom

*AA

When you love someone and it falls apart, where does the love go?

The love must retreat and dig it's roots to the depths of your heart so it'll continue to grow.

*AA

I have crushed flowers in my palms only to smell my hands and then step on the wrinkled petals. I have stolen hearts like the funny little things I took from the thrift store that I realised I never really wanted. I have left a bitter aftertaste in my ex lovers' mouths after seducing them to consume my poison. I have a propensity for bad intentions as a defense mechanism I can't switch off.

It's better if you stay away.

*AA

Do not look for bandages when your heart is bleeding
You will only drench it with your lonely
Do not force something out of nothing
Your pain is your responsibility

*AA

I will fall in love with you
I will drown in it

The spaces in between my fingers
will be homes for yours
My thighs will cushion your head
when you lose the battles of the day
I will listen with patient ears
as you whisper all your fears
You will live forever
in the eternal love I will give

I'm in love with you
I'm drowning in it

*AA

Death is so easy
one jump and you could end it all

The hardest thing is letting go
of all the beauty life has to offer

*AA

You were sad today
maybe you should
stop wanting to die

*AA

"******* you feels amazing,
can I tell you I love you?"

No.
Not in a million years.

Silly boy,
you never will.

*AA

Baby get undressed
and bare your skin
let me lick your heart
to taste your soul

*AA

today I'll be honest

I
*******
love
you

*AA

I only talk to you
in daydreams and sighs
You love that we're a secret
I'll learn to love it too


*AA

I want to
get tangled
in between
every fibre
of your being

*AA

These hands will not pick up all that
these hands have left behind

These hands refuse to hold hearts that
these hands cannot care after

These hands no longer grasp onto what
these hands cannot keep from breaking

These hands only have
these  hands to keep
these hands warm

*AA

I wish I were
your favourite scar

The one that you
enjoy telling stories about
as you run your fingers across

Like a prized possession
you got by accident


*AA

I think it's a tragedy
how we're all tricked into thinking
that we're never alone

But that's impossible
can't you see?
We're all separate beings
with desolate minds

In other words
we're all so lonely
trapped inside a cage we can't get out of
even if we tried

*AA

So you know I float
I get restless in one place
And then I hurry off to another
You could say I'm like a feather
Dancing in the wind with no direction
And I can't recall how the wind took me
I'm never in one place for long
It's not like I don't want to be
I don't even know where I belong

Ha

But get this
When the wind takes me
I only think of your embrace
All around my body
I only think of your breath
At the tip of my nose

I don't think I should be sad anymore

You're with me all the time,
You carry me all the time.

*AA

I light a cigarette
and every inhale of
dull, grey, lifeless smoke,
is filled with all
the battles inside my
head that went on
throughout the entire day
It licks my lungs
but I feel it
all around my body
all in my blood
And then I exhale
every little atom of
air that carried some
kind of significance to
how the day went
I do it slowly
so I can watch
the smoke dance in
the stillness of the air
Like my worries are
nothing to worry about
and I have won
the battles of the day

*AA

Undateable
You can come closer, but never near enough to hear my heartbeat

Undateable
You can see me smile, but never see anyone (not even you), in it

Undateable
You can hear me laugh, but never hear anyone's (not even yours) voice in it

Undateable
You can hold my hand, but never find my fingerprints in yours

Undateable
You can give me warm embraces, but never understand why my body's so cold

Undateable
You can shower me with all your love, but never enough for me to do the same

--


I'm sorry

Some time ago
Heart leaking with sorrow I left puddles of my own blood wherever I went

When predators smell blood they hunt

They hunt and they want to conquer
They want the empty vessel to build a home inside it for themselves
They call it falling in love

I took only the good things they have given me and filled up the empty spaces, and then I drift away like the seeds of dandelions dancing in the wind

Selfish maybe but I'm not stupid
I only want to be free
I know what they want
But that is for me for now, and no one else

Because men are so beautiful
But this heart
Is so fragile

*AA

I have nursed open wounds
Of people who carelessly
Ripped themselves open
To give away their hearts

Like a bandage
I soaked up all the blood
And only tasted their lonely
As I continued to provide care

But after a while
There is no need for me
Cuts will heal on their own
I know they always do

*AA

Neither black nor white
Nor here nor there
No complete darkness, nor blinding light

Neither left nor right
Not a yes, or no
No love, no, no spite

I watched the city fade into desaturation, the life I knew so well became jaded.
The drought robbed her of her colour.
And when the clouds rolled in I only thought of grey.

The rain enveloped the city and seeped through our clothes and into our skin,
And we are soaked with
A kind of satisfaction.

That's funny.

There is still
comfort
in
the
grey.

*AA

My tired body
Doesn't need sleep
My tired body
Needs a warm embrace
My tired body
Needs a gentle kiss

Then maybe
I'll sleep

**-AA

Strangers

Oh my god
Look at that face
and that smile
all that grace
I want to know her
I don't know what I want to know
but I know I do

Acquaintance

She talks like
she has the universe
inside her head
and not a single
worry at all
but that sometimes
makes me worry
what a peculiar girl

Lovers

How did we get here?
I think I got lost
somewhere in the spaces
between parentheses
of the stories you told me
and all I wanted to do
was to interlace
my thoughts with yours
as much as I wanted
our hairs to intertwine
as we lay in bed
making love to each other.

**-AA

You showed me,
that I was capable of tearing down the brick walls surrounding me through the simple act of allowing the warmth of love enter and grow as it embedded in the cold vessel shaped like my heart, eventhough someone else needed you to love her like that too.

2. You taught me,
how to stop obsessing over the storms outside and to just concentrate on making the best out of being alive and well, to never entertain negativity and to always choose kindness.

3. You told me,
it's okay to not know everything, to believe in uncertainty. Because this life is temporary and it is just as important to live in the present as it is to propel towards a better future.

4. You gave me,
another reason to believe in my own courage to leave behind everything that no longer serves me well, another reason to pursue my own happiness, because the past is just a story we tell ourselves.

**-AA

Just stop spoiling me with sweet nothings
that stem from careless daydreams
while the monster inside you is sound asleep.

One wrong jolt of emotion in your body
always wakes him up and he is always hungry.

Look, he's awake now, I told you to stop.

He's alive in your veins and now every word
you speak to me feels like just another
kick to my gut and hands tight around my neck,
another punch to my face.

Belly filled with my own blood where there should only be love, all I ever do is beg you to stop.

There is no more room for you in this home I made out of my bones you tried to break.

Tongue tied with trembling hands
you looked at me and smiled.
Your face resembled someone familiar
but in your eyes I knew he was gone.
Take me back to the time you would
shelter me from the rain that felt like knives,
from the pain that would have pierced me
over and over again
because I was reckless and naive;
a girl lost in her endeavours.
You were there to protect your child.
I thought you were made of steel
but even steel disintergrates under pressure.

**-AA

Find a boy
who knows how to trace
the outline of your naked body
without having to take off your clothes

Find a boy
who can kiss your scars and bruises
and still find the time to get lost in your eyes
stumbling all over himself upon finding the girl of his dreams

Find a boy
who would tie your wrists to big red balloons
filled with love and everything good in this world
and float away with you into forever.

**-AA

maybe just a little bit.

I was an open cut on flesh and you were the bandaid that was supposed to shelter me while I healed.

Still raw and red you slid over me, over the severed nerve endings and watched me bleed.

**-AA

shades of my favourite combination of
blues and greens and red and yellow
smooth like the slither of smoke
from the space between my lips
when I breathe in a cloud of
grey, dull smoke and fill myself up with cancer,
and exhale slowly, letting out all
the darkness like it's so easy.

Oh
how wonderful it would be
to take a deep breath full of pain and everything
that could possibly harm me,
only to have it synthesized and converted
to something so beautiful and pleasant
for everyone to love, including me.

But that can't happen.
Beautiful things like that don't happen to anyone
and
I'm not that special anyway.

**-AA

I used to
crave the warmth
in between fingers and
in between bodies
side by side
hand in hand.

It's a funny way
to trick myself into thinking
that I am not alone.

It's how I trick myself into thinking
that I am half
and can only be whole
with the addition of another half.

But when the cold sets in
and the spaces fill with frost
I realise
we cannot radiate warmth as halves

There will always be a void
of empty nothingness
an abyss of darkness.

I can only bring light into it
with the power of my own light
An internal radiance
of eternal radiance

Only then will I know
two wholes will keep each other warm

**-AA

Well I’d like to think that I’m not the only one. Maybe reading this would make you feel less alone and I like thinking that I helped.. In a way.

You have so many things to say but you can not speak. How no amount of words spoken or scribbled, no amount of random doodles or no amount of sighs or screams can entirely express these “things to say”. You can’t even comprehend how mere fragments of thought can mean so much, you don’t even know why you think they matter. Maybe because thoughts literally aren’t matter, because matter is something physical, and we cannot see our thoughts. But then you notice how a single thought can stem branches of other thoughts like that of a tree and the veins under your skin. And then there are seas and rivers, and there are lightning bolts that never really strike as a single straight line. It’s like everything runs by the same kind of energy, all bound by this beautiful natural force that no one really notices. You think about all these things and try to figure out all these meanings but nothing really surfaces, because you know it doesn’t really matter.

**-AA

awoken by his sudden kick under the covers.

She rolled onto her belly and stared at her sleeping lover.

Hovering just inches away from his face she watches

as his eyes twitched,

as his nose flared in every breath he took in.

And in every breath he let out she mimicked his breathing

so they’d be doing the same thing.

Like two butterflies in a jar,

who only had each other.

**-AA

When you least expect it

She slithers down your body

She rests in the depths of your heart

-AA

Never touching my head
Fluffy and full
And not stained with drool
Placed right beside me
Providing company
When there is no you
Lying in bed with me too

**-AA

if someone pierces her nose

or ***** in her tummy

if she wears short shorts

even with stretch marks on her thighs

if someone only wears black

or only owns push-up bras

if she doesn’t floss

and never combs her hair

It’s okay

if that makes her feel beautiful

then she’s beautiful

and if you see it

you are too.

**-AA

Maybe you’re like me. Maybe you feel more than you think, although you think a lot because logic is important. Maybe underneath all that hardness, you’re made of mashed up emotions. Maybe you’re scarred and bruised, but healed and fine. Maybe you’re tired, but somehow because of that you’re inspired. Maybe you’re quiet because you like watching people and it feels safer inside your head. Maybe you’d rather do things alone because you don’t like participating when you can look at everything else when you take a few steps back. Maybe you’re misunderstood as indifferent and ignorant but all you really do is try to see the beauty in everything and love everything even if it’s bad. Maybe you don’t voice it out because you don’t want to seem fake since genuine kindness is rare these days and people don’t buy it so you don’t want to be isolated. Maybe people can’t see you for who you really are because you’re never close enough, so you always end up all alone. Maybe you don’t mind not being noticed, and all you need is the warmth of the love inside of you when you learn to love a world that is dead set on hurting you.

**-AA

How diamonds embedded in fine jewellery, are stained by the blood of malnourished labourers often forgotten by the first world democracy - Boasting mountainous elaborate skyscrapers, marked by the sweat and tears of underpaid construction workers struggling with debts and taxes. How a baby boy or girl is born, not without a mother’s pain - much greater than having major muscles torn. How an old married couple withers away side by side, masking decades of struggles and sacrifice.

All things beautiful were made from chaos.



**-AA

the warmness of your body

pressed up against me

but I lost my mind

when you crushed my chest

and stole my heart



It’s pretty sad

that it happens all the time

the person who grows inside you

ends up ripping you apart



AA

Maybe if I were prettier

or a little bit thinner

with longer legs

and a smaller nose

maybe I

Maybe if I weren’t so shy

or so busy

or messy

or irresponsible

maybe I

Maybe if I could sing

and if I could dance

or draw and paint

and write

maybe I

Maybe if I were less fickle

and picky and difficult

or blunt and offensive

maybe I

Maybe there may be too many maybes

to maybe tell me what may be

maybe

**—AA

off my shoulders

that has dragged

me down further

into the depths

of the waters

of inescapable depression

and undying insecurity

I just want

to surface from

this mundane moroseness

and float up

into the sky

into the warmth

on top of

the entire world

**-AA

A kiss that

Meant more than

My lips

My skin

My body

I just want

A kiss that

Fills me up

With warmth

And comfort

**-AA

this hurts so much

please just help me

take away the pain

and wash away the filth

in my mind and around my heart

please just help me

i want to sleep normally

and smile normally

and learn to love

please just help me

to love myself

and heal

and grow

to be better

to be whole

to no longer be empty

please just help me

find warmth amidst

the storm inside.

**-AA

come home to

a lovely pair

of warm arms

but now i

wrap my blanket

a little tighter

**-AA