Just stop spoiling me with sweet nothings
that stem from careless daydreams
while the monster inside you is sound asleep.

One wrong jolt of emotion in your body
always wakes him up and he is always hungry.

Look, he's awake now, I told you to stop.

He's alive in your veins and now every word
you speak to me feels like just another
kick to my gut and hands tight around my neck,
another punch to my face.

Belly filled with my own blood where there should only be love, all I ever do is beg you to stop.

There is no more room for you in this home I made out of my bones you tried to break.

Tongue tied with trembling hands
you looked at me and smiled.
Your face resembled someone familiar
but in your eyes I knew he was gone.
Take me back to the time you would
shelter me from the rain that felt like knives,
from the pain that would have pierced me
over and over again
because I was reckless and naive;
a girl lost in her endeavours.
You were there to protect your child.
I thought you were made of steel
but even steel disintergrates under pressure.

**-AA

Find a boy
who knows how to trace
the outline of your naked body
without having to take off your clothes

Find a boy
who can kiss your scars and bruises
and still find the time to get lost in your eyes
stumbling all over himself upon finding the girl of his dreams

Find a boy
who would tie your wrists to big red balloons
filled with love and everything good in this world
and float away with you into forever.

**-AA

maybe just a little bit.

I was an open cut on flesh and you were the bandaid that was supposed to shelter me while I healed.

Still raw and red you slid over me, over the severed nerve endings and watched me bleed.

**-AA

shades of my favourite combination of
blues and greens and red and yellow
smooth like the slither of smoke
from the space between my lips
when I breathe in a cloud of
grey, dull smoke and fill myself up with cancer,
and exhale slowly, letting out all
the darkness like it's so easy.

Oh
how wonderful it would be
to take a deep breath full of pain and everything
that could possibly harm me,
only to have it synthesized and converted
to something so beautiful and pleasant
for everyone to love, including me.

But that can't happen.
Beautiful things like that don't happen to anyone
and
I'm not that special anyway.

**-AA

I used to
crave the warmth
in between fingers and
in between bodies
side by side
hand in hand.

It's a funny way
to trick myself into thinking
that I am not alone.

It's how I trick myself into thinking
that I am half
and can only be whole
with the addition of another half.

But when the cold sets in
and the spaces fill with frost
I realise
we cannot radiate warmth as halves

There will always be a void
of empty nothingness
an abyss of darkness.

I can only bring light into it
with the power of my own light
An internal radiance
of eternal radiance

Only then will I know
two wholes will keep each other warm

**-AA

Well I’d like to think that I’m not the only one. Maybe reading this would make you feel less alone and I like thinking that I helped.. In a way.

You have so many things to say but you can not speak. How no amount of words spoken or scribbled, no amount of random doodles or no amount of sighs or screams can entirely express these “things to say”. You can’t even comprehend how mere fragments of thought can mean so much, you don’t even know why you think they matter. Maybe because thoughts literally aren’t matter, because matter is something physical, and we cannot see our thoughts. But then you notice how a single thought can stem branches of other thoughts like that of a tree and the veins under your skin. And then there are seas and rivers, and there are lightning bolts that never really strike as a single straight line. It’s like everything runs by the same kind of energy, all bound by this beautiful natural force that no one really notices. You think about all these things and try to figure out all these meanings but nothing really surfaces, because you know it doesn’t really matter.

**-AA