coping with free time
i want certainty
like religion
i don’t know how
to be alone without
feeling lonely

you come alive
in the same
way that
spring breathes
new possibilites
open up
your
honey lips
that drip life
into my
flowering dreams
like second nature
i wish i could
live behind your
verdant eyes:
becoming you
and seeing
everything

like: arnald's
rippled
interpretation of
the sun
you: your
crackled seed
words
that seep
into the roots
of me
like the lines
on your fingers
you: like borrowing time
to recreate
all the best inventions:
the first submarine
to sink into
the warm
reassurance
that becomes you
your existence: like me reflected
into a dream
your laughter: like the air that
takes a new breath
everyday that you
live

i’m sorry
i emailed you
in the midst of your mid-20’s
existentialism
i promise to only reach out
when i’m pre-contemplating
or feeling insecure
you taught me about energy
and how it never dies
i will always miss the
idealized parts of you
i’m roused and paralytic
by your
chaos and good intentions
your skin
and how you breathed that night
i rode you on the chair
is etched in my memory
like a scar

milo and quantum physics
but yet there is no equation
for your emotional unavailability
y equaling the x factor of vulnerability
i’ve always hated the duality of
math
all the silent rules to remember
i just want to be loved the way that
i love
without so many computations
how do i know if silence + comfort equals
pleasure or complacency?
a limit on the questions i can ask in a day
i just want to know everything
do you like the way i **** on your *******?
am i ever going to meet your family?
are you going to love me forever?
2 standard deviations of what you mean
when you say what you do
am i enough for you and i just don’t
know it yet?
basic math skills at a deficit
am i unable to put 2 and 2 together
are there limits to us
or do they not exist?

you told me once
that you were
seeing everything
from the top of a
mountain
and i wonder
if the cerulean air from
up there
fills your lungs
like a new day
and if the birds
live inside your dreams
like a museum
where their laughter
preserves the best
parts of you

the interior
of your face
illuminated by
your yellow
laughter
and the wrinkles
on your skin
that evolve like
the best parts of
the south that run through
you
me: like slipping from
the past into now
discovering you
like my own best kept
secret
like: stitching time into a quilt
you: like the melody of your life
that breathes like first love
under the
***** of
my seeking
heart

the words are
lost to you
like daily rituals
and the nuiance
of psychoanalytics
you evolve like
the reptilian brain
when you want to
i want to do more
than just survive

it’s funny how
you can disrupt my
peace and
accuse me of not
being harmonious
will i write about
you the way frida wrote
about diego rivera
was their love any less
epic because it was
tumultuous
i love you in a way
that blossoms
and drains me
i want the beginning
and the end with you

i still don't know what
i'm trying to say
like dissecting a frog
in 1500 ways
looking for different yellow parts
that piece together like
a baby's first breath
like touching yourself
with your other hand
and pretending it's someone
else
maybe i feel ordinary
because i've never made love
or ******
under the volcanic ash
of someone's dark
body
never let anyone
park inside
the yellow lines
that trace my body
like ridges in
the earth
like gaps in
time that i cannot
take back
i have no idea what i'm
trying to say like
boxed wine
and a kiss from a girl
at 7 am
on third floor north
hall in college
like slicing people
into their better halves
and accepting them
like the way time is  
supposed to heal
but doesn't
i still don't know what
i'm trying to say when i think
about uncle tyger's voice
rewinding time
like green grass on
the park that day
like war and sand
like hot air and forgiving
i still don't know what
i'm trying to say
when i see myself
shedding my skin
like spring in heat
evolving like the best
portrait
of human nature
i'm not afraid to be
caught loving you
in the harsh elements
even though
i still don't know
what i'm trying to
say

the new day brims
like holy sacrifice
when do the wires cross
and we become stagnant?
like the lava lamp
in my room that only
glows red
so many ways to keep
people out
like swipe cards and
keys
time
like little men that
sneak into
your skin
like tangible regret
like the cut on
my ******* that
keeps getting opened
and all the things you've ever said  
meldling like a shadow
outside of november
like 3:00am and cards
for kids that will never
read them
and seeing the good
in people that isn't there
like pillow talk in front
of the christmas tree
and building a fort
out of my flimsy
bones
like james touching me
out of love or angst
feeling everything and
trying to contain
it all

i found 12:41
revelations
milo and quantum
physics
i couldn't pass chemistry
in 11th grade
stuck in the act
of balancing equations
too much o2 taking
up all the space in
the air where
words are supposed to
form and make
things easier
pure scientific intelligence
the art of descerning
the oil on
skin leaving fingerprints
on the surfaces of things
only surface-level
too afraid to go any deeper
i want you on all levels
in all aspects without
limitations

you came on the
lord’s day
gave birth to peace
with your hands
and infectious pre-laughter
i’m sorry that i underestimated
the nuiance of subtlety  
i have grown used to dark
storms and uncertainty
you sleep as peacefully as
you exist
i want the weight of your
head on mine on short
days and even longer
nights

distinct and syrupy
we have been sleeping
on clouds and reveling
in the perfect storm
you say that shaping
my fro feels ******
spiritual like after
sunday dinner ***
and loving forms
of me quietly
and raw
like chicken
i crave you
admist the chaos
that is me
forever searching
i long for you
like the end of
growing pains and
a missing
member in the
cat band

your pre laughter
and pre ***
unsheathing you
in skin and light:
quirky
eternal
animated hair and
kind eyes
the love died quietly
and confidently in a past
life and was
reborn with
you

odor remover
and soaked carpet
the memories are
harder to exstinguish
clinging to songs
and scents
i loved you more
last night
when i realized
that we grieve
the same way
it’s nice to know
it’s not just
me

the sky submerged
in the perfect shade of canton
pink
i rush home to plug
into you
you give me sunlight
and cheek kisses
sleeping in sync
and waking up in character
a compilation of all
your states
i crave you like
long weekends
and leo season

you have loved me
in thick chunks,
gauzy *****, and
broken pieces
cauterizing my
inevitable chaos
and bleeding heart

//
on the cusp of laughter
the zietgiest of your
wet exuberance
and tranquility
settles the loud
parts
you’re all the good
that is lost on me

your words died out
at 5:00 am this morning
simmering like styrofoam
and heat
complicated like love and
the white stuff
you exist in vices on
the cusp of self loathing
and complete absolution

you move me
the way
music moves you
the vibrations
on the chords
of  your guitar
tell me how
your day went:
spilled lemonade
on your favorite sweatshirt
and 3 bonus points
on a clicker quiz
i'm not caught
in the essence of firsts
like 30 extra minutes
to kiss you in
real time
your dark features and
unfaltering movements
evolve like
the sounds of me loving
you
composed of your stiff-fingered
electricity and a continuation
of all the good
things

the white seconds
look like a
blanket of snow
on your mustache
have you stopped running
from the air
that tastes like lost time?
the gap in between your
two front teeth widens
like truth when you
tell me about the past
and how you used
to get into
a lot of fights
when you were in
7th grade
their names hard
to remember now
crusting into
the bottom of
your mind
like sugary milk
i never found the time
to ask you the important
questions:
how have you been since the
world has stopped?
do you still chain smoke when
you're anxious?
are you still beautiful?

the childhood
version of
you
chasing your
adult self
through
alleyways
bad habits
and love lost
catching up to you
like tupac and
saturated memories of your
uncle
id, ego, & superego
fighting for dominance
like the power struggle
between you and
nicotine

//
you speak in
rhymes
that  
float around
my head
columbus discoveries
like faith
hiding in plain sight
i can write again
because you exist

the way you have
to be ready for a
real woman
thick thighs
and scarred skin  
her body
rich with
the weight of
generational
suffering
one whose legs open
up like spring
when she loves you
one who you have
to be careful at how you
talk to
her words sterile
and sincere like alcohol
one who doubts herself
she is caught between
love and self
both fierce and fragile
her hips are painted
with lust and loss
these women are:
closer to god,
softer in the middle,
terribly in love
with you and
relatively unresolved

i've been here before
many springs and
only one therapist later
i miss you when you're here
the wall is too big
for me to get through
like 9/11 conspiracies
and disappearing noses
i drew you much bigger
than you were
romantic and impractical
it's all i know
you can't have unlimited time
and me

they got it all
wrong
nostalgia
is the thief of joy
i experience peace in small
doses
i have some redness
i need to neutralize
some things i have
to get off my chest
there are streaks in
the polish on my
nails
streaks in the windows
that i’m looking out of
pre-apocalyptic thoughts
from the edge
i would’ve kissed you
on the mouth
had i known it
was the last time
i would see you

the absentminded
water slides
into the empty
spaces of my skin
i can feel your
mossy fingertips
playing with
the forces of nature
(the way you do)
there's a past inside me
that i cannot reach
and i do not run
from it
the mist from the water
seeps into my pores
and i am filled to the
brink with viridescent
potential

i emulate you
in forms that i can’t have
and find myself in stories of flooding *******
and summertime haste
it’s strange and comforting
that everyone you ever
love becomes a part of
you somehow

enfolded in
your abundant legs
i find all the good
things etched
on the surface
of your
skin
like an egyptian
relief painting
you are worth
enough tears
to flood the nile
and re-write the
way the marsh unfolds
like the way i found you:
verdant discoveries
on sundays
and new ways
to say shadane
pragmatic star girl
i add your name
to my mental thesarus
like a new favorite
word
adoring and
absorbing your
lower-case
expressions
like second
nature

indifference and silence
like stagnant water
i want you on fire

i have been trying to make
peace with some things
i have been trying to
let go of lately
i have held on so
dreadfully/delightfully
to the essence of all
that becomes you
it sits in my heart
the place i go to
when i think about the end
a rocking chair on a quiet
porch
this momentum will
last forever
you’ll have the version of
me from last october
until loyalty becomes
a conflict
i want shared custody of
the versions of us we bore
together

beg me
to be: (here)
your lips
sinking
my
burnt-caramel
body into
the night
when i let
you touch
me

8 passenger mini van
i carry all the love
strapped in
delicately
irrational angst and
idealism fighting
in the backseat
i have no room for
your regret
my stomach fell
into the earth
when i heard you
were going to be a dad
i have been loyal to a ghost
for the past 6 months
of course you still want me
i was always the person
who was capable of
loving you despite
the placement of the
planets
and your scorpioic
tendencies

getting older
summer vacations
like too much time
to think
overthink
drink and overdrink
my hometown doesn't
fit me anymore
it fills me like
smog
i breathed in too
much air
and it got stuck in
my lungs
like the thought
of you
9-5 days
like a religious experience
white office space and
dry humor
bitter like stained
coffee cups and
blurry childhood
memories
i'm very sad
that you died
all alone
in your office
when you could've
died reffing a basketball
game or
in bed next to your
wife on a
tuesday
how peaceful
would it have been
to die knowing
where you
stood and exactly
how it would
happen

crystals and clonazepam
to keep
the bad dreams away
the growing pains
are unbearable at times
and/both
coexisting like
radical self acceptance
and struggling to blame
you for all the suffering
i read that just because
someone doesn't love you
the way you want them to
doesn't mean they
don't love you
i don't know exactly
what i would
call it then

creating boundaries like
inevitable wars
i hate to fight when we are all
the same color
cut in the same way
wounded in the same spot
you said you love me because
i always want the best for people
maybe that speaks to what the
uber driver said that day
to all the self loathing
to why everyone loves me either
too little or too much
the apple fell very far from the
tree and has been
trying to differentiate
ever since

celestial and wounded
there’s no way to
take back time
we were swimming
before we were
breathing
the air was
overwhelming
your lungs
before you loved me
what came first
the co2 or the suffering?

it’s strange to miss you
when you sit here touching
elbows with me
souls sometimes
when applicable
maybe i have been
mourning you
since the day we met
weening off in
small increments
swapping dna
and withholding
small traces of
love
compartmentalizing doesn’t
hit as hard without you
who else is going to put
their hand on my
forehead to keep
the good
thoughts in