To find love in the heart of war is to find only death
Because finding true love in a battle should cause the opposition to cease
Not to increase the casualties
I trusted that if I entered the fight with you
You would help me come out on top
But it turns out that you were my fatal flaw
Not because you were my Achilles heel
But because you knew what it was
And used it to **** me
I fell on my own sword because you told me you would fall on yours too
You used my trust to annihilate me and I've never recovered
To find love in the heart of war is to find only death
But I would die a million times to love you again

My lungs are filling with the smoke you fed me
Turning black until I can no longer pass oxygen through them
Until I'm struggling for air,
tears roll down my face
and hit my chest
mocking the rising and falling that would occur
if I had the ability
But my body is racked with sobs
from the absence of air
I try to breathe through your lungs
but you're holding your breath
Because you don't want to share
your life giving respiration
with someone you wounded
When I try to explain to you
that I only want to borrow what you took from me
it comes out as ragged gasps
So what's the point
in trying to breathe

I often find
that when the sun goes down,
all the feelings I had been trying to suppress
come up
There's something about being in the dark
that brings my emotions to light
But I no longer find the dark
the scariest thing about the night
It now terrifies me
to see the sky turn purple and pink
Because my eyes
seem to automatically blur from tears
and I immediately feel overwhelmed
Too afraid to even lay myself down
Because if I do,
I will choke on my own twisted notions
of the love that was
and could have been
So I sit staring out my window
gazing into the dark abyss
that I feel is swallowing me alive
and wait for the sun to rise
and wait until morning

I would die for you in a second
But it would never be void of selfishness
Because the life I live
Is so predominately affected by you
That not only could I not bear for you to die
I couldn't bear to live without you

I grew up watching movies
where girls fell in love
with the first person they met
So forgive me
when I think
that I'm in love
with you

I've been afraid of losing you
ever since I found out you were mine
Because when I love someone
I love them too hard
I want to talk to them all the time
and text them throughout the day
to let them know they were on my mind
Because I think about them constantly
but then I feel too clingy
I back off
I act like I don't care for them
as much as I do
Because I'm afraid they won't feel the same way
Because I've convinced myself
that no one could actually care for me
that people spend time with me
simply because they pity me
but behind my back
they talk about how annoying I am
or they don't mention me at all
because that's how little I matter to them
So you have no idea
how much I love you
You think you do,
But you don't
Because all I want is to hold your hand
and talk to you for hours
But instead I shove my hands in my pockets
and bite my tongue
Because I'm afraid you won't like me
if I say too much
That if you know how much I need you,
you'll leave

I've never heard a noise so soft and low
as your name whispered to my heart
It crept in, making itself at home in my thoughts
hiding in corners and peeking out whenever you're around
sticking its head right in my blind spot
so that I stay oblivious
but everyone else can see
People ask me about it
and I'm genuinely surprised
because I have no idea what they're talking about
it started as a whisper
and the gradual crescendo was lost on me
I didn’t even realize it was there
until I heard her name in your heart
ringing louder than mine

I'm just one colossal **** up

Don’t you dare try to pass off your mistakes as mine
Because I have enough of my own
And I don’t need you to pile on more crap
You were supposed to protect me and care for me
And when you didn't
You blamed me instead of dealing with your own ****
You said it was my fault when you knew **** well it wasn't
So ******* for even insinuating that I should apologize
Because I have in every way possible
You stole every single thing in my life that I held dear
But I should apologize
Because you're angry
Because this hurt you
Well maybe it did
But that didn't seem to stop you
From turning around and hurting me

I can't stop drinking about you

I'm tired of kissing the mouth of a bottle
and trying to sip happiness from a glass
Because alcohol only gives false impressions
of love and joy
And when it wears off
I'm left exactly where I was before
Except I smell of ***** and cigarettes

I gave you everything I had
2. and let it all be taken away
3. One mistake to many
4. One push too far
5. I walked a line that was too blurry to see
6. and fell on the side that you weren't on
7. And I'm sorry
8. I'm so so sorry
9. for leaving
10. even when I didn't want to
11. for taking you for granted
12. for not realizing you're all I needed
13. for telling you I loved you too much
14. or not enough
15. I'm not sure
16. for never knowing what to say
17. but hoping that you would just know
18. for not spending every moment I could with you
19. because now you're gone
20. and I would do anything to get you back
21. But I don’t know what to do
22. I don’t know
23. I never know
24. I'm sorry
25. For everything
26. Because it's my fault
27. It's all my fault

I am a gladiator in the Roman Colosseum
when the lions are let loose
and I've been given a sword that's too small
to defend myself with
The people in the stands are laughing at me
Not one of them reaches down to pull me out
Because they put me here
They sent these lions to hunt me down
for the crimes I committed
They clap and cheer
Because to them it's a sport
watching me get torn apart
And I never thought I would be down in this pit
Because I once sat where they did
Jeering and clapping for convicts to pay their dues
But look where I am now
I am the gladiator in the Roman Colosseum
when the lions are let loose

I used to like the rain
Because it sounds like white noise
Like silence but not as empty
And that was the only sound that I wanted  to enter my life
Because I loved being alone
I longed for the time when I would get to isolate myself from the rest of the world
Because I had no reason not to
I had no reason to dread being by myself
Until I met you
And now every time I find myself alone I am miserable
Because that means that you are somewhere else
With someone else
Who moves the clouds out of the way
When all I did was bring them closer
And all I can think is how much happier she makes you
And I envy everything about her
How she gets to hold your sweaty hand because you are so nervous to touch her
How she feels safe in your arms even though you feel like you could pass out
How she gets to kiss you in the midst of your anxious rambling
Because she is so beautiful
And you can't stop thinking how you could possibly hold on to a girl like her
And I wonder how I let go of a guy like you
And hope that the rain fills the silence with enough resonance to drown out my thoughts
Because I can't get you out of my head
Unless I fill it with something else
And it has destroyed my will
To be alone

your name
rolls off my tongue
like it was all I was meant to say
but I try not to say it
too often
because I feel like other people
are tired of hearing it