I spent the beginning of 2015,
12 midnight,
in the bathroom with my closest friends
and I wouldn't have changed a thing

I HAD A DREAM THAT YOU WERE SLEEPING NEXT TO ME
BUT WHEN I WOKE UP YOU WEREN'T THERE

In the middle of the night
I felt you move towards me
I felt your head lie on my shoulder
resting exactly where I wanted it to be
But when I reached out my hand
as to pull you closer,
I was met with the coolness of empty sheets
And as I sat up to look for you
I realized I was in my own room
in a bed devoid of any other human
And it had all been a dream

I fell in love with a boy
that is too good for me
And I did not mean to do it
but as I sat back to watch the world move around me
He caught my eye
and tugged on my heartstrings
until I was up and walking behind him
And he knows what he's doing to me
He watches me trail behind and he smiles
but he does not do it out of malevolence
Because his lips are so sweet
that if they were to ever come across poison
it would immediately become its own antidote
He has a genuine love for everyone he meets
So there's nothing special about the way he hugs me
or brushes my hand when we eat together
Because he's like that with everyone
Because he has sincere kindness in his heart
This boy
who is better than I could ever be
has trapped me in a never ending cycle of infatuation
He seems to pull me forward with arms that could move mountains
and hands that could part seas
And I keep begging him to let me go
But I'm the only one holding on

You've been trying to save me
ever since I fell
But what you seem to forget
is that you're the one
who threw me out of heaven
And now
that my wings are burned
and I'm declining
at terminal velocity
You want to reach out
to be my salvation
But it's too late for me
I've gone too far
and lost too much
to find my way back
And honestly
I'd rather crash head first
into the hell that awaits me
than to accept deliverance
from the one who murdered me

A boy with a heart on fire is never one to fall in love
He burns up too quickly then looks for another spark wherever he can find it
But I thought I could take the heat
I thought I could allow myself to be in close proximity to the blaze and not get scorched
But as soon as he reached for me, I cringed because the temperature was far greater than I could have ever imagined
My blood boiled and my skin melted away
I was consumed by a fire that I had no desire to put out
So I just let it burn
But it is better to burn than to fade away because at least you are leaving something behind
The ash is proof that you once were the fuel to a flame that ate away too quickly at its source
The further he gets from me, the dimmer my embers glow
But I am still trying to suffocate this fire

I used to want to get drunk
to have some sort of momentary happiness
even if it would only last for a few hours
But I don’t want that anymore
I want real happiness
that stems from love and any form of security
I used to talk about choosing joy
when I had it
But when you have to choose
it's so much harder to favor it
Because it's more like grasping at straws
than making a choice
It's like staring at something you want so desperately
through a wall made entirely of glass
and I'm trying to break through
But I just end up with bruised fists
and ****** knuckles

I've always felt like an incompetent star among the cosmos
Like my light may play a part in the universe but without me it would just move in a different direction
I feel as if every day the darkness around me recedes as others glow more brilliant
And light is a good thing
But darkness makes stars grow brighter
The less illumination that surrounds you the more dazzling you seem
But I have come to learn
That dark matter surrounds all of us
And that the smallest beam of light
Adds to the part of the universe that we are allowed to create
Because we are allowed so little in this world
So even if someone else will always shine brighter than me
They won't make my light grow dimmer
I will take what I am allowed and appreciate the realm that I am in
Because why am I here if not to bring a little bit of light

You are the sun and the stars,
the spark that ignites a lighter every time it's clicked,
The strike of a match as it runs across it's box
But I am the cigarette you left in the ashtray,
the wood you left in the fireplace,
the candle you left sitting out too long
flamed out
*burned up

I can feel myself slipping into unrequited love
Like the ground beneath me is crumbling and there's no way for me to break my fall
But I don’t know, if there was, that I would catch myself
Because there's nothing about you that I don’t find incredibly endearing
The way you laugh at your own jokes,
Your dimples when you smile too big,
Your hand in mine when you're too drunk to walk on your own,
Your voice
Oh your voice drives me insane
Soft and rich, coaxing me to dip further into this river styx that you have created for me
But somewhere deep inside
I know that you're probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me
And I hate you
I hate you for being the way you are because it's so **** appealing
I hate you for what you've done to me, whether you know it or not
Because the only thing I don’t love about you is my infatuation
But it's too late for me to pull myself out of the abyss that is you
Even though you've swept me away like the dust under your couch
There's nothing I wouldn't do for you
You're like my own personal drug.
I think I'm in control, but slowly
I realize that I can never have enough
That I can never be satisfied with the little you're giving me
And that you have all the power.
So no, I wouldn't catch myself
I would let my body tumble as deep into the earth as it could go
Letting every chunk of dirt, every grain of sand follow behind me
Hoping that, eventually, it would bury me alive

We spent more time in your car
Than anywhere else we've ever been
Because we cared more about being together than where we were going
What was important was that the song that we both loved played on the radio
And our hands were intertwined over the center console
And red lights were an opportunity to be there longer
But no music ever sounds as sweet when it's been pulled apart over the space that now resides between us
And I have no desire left to sit in traffic in a car that is not yours with someone who is not you
But you don’t seem to have the same setback
You take the same risks you took with me and pass them on to someone else
You hold someone else's hand when you should have both of yours on the steering wheel
You look into someone else's eyes when you should be focused on the road
And I
I've stopped wearing my seat belt
Because I'd rather fly headfirst through a windshield
Than to live another day knowing that you don't love me anymore

I have this dream
Of the two of us driving across the country
In our ******* jeep
With the sunset in the rear view mirror
Listening to music from years ago that we both love
That reminds us of every good memory we've ever had
And we drive nowhere in particular but far from where we are
Trying to see as much as we can only so we can appreciate it
And for now, we are excited
It is only us on this adventure that we've planned for years
And maybe we'll get tired of each other
No doubt that we will
But we'll spend some time alone when we need to
And always get back on the road
And together we will marvel at the world we have only seen in pictures
And perhaps take some of our own
And I hope that this plays out as I have imagined
That it is not just a dream

tears roll down my cheeks,
giving a source to the sobs that wrack my body
sitting away in the confines of my room,
I'm hoping that my dry heaves hitch my breathing
that the water descending from my eyes fills my lungs
so that the only air that fills the room is naturally occurring photosynthesis
because these water droplets rolling down my face, catching my chin
serve no purpose except reminding me of my agony
so I want to put them to use
and use them to drown me

Your façade is a lie that you're telling so beautifully
that I don't want to interrupt
by exposing your truth
even if it would save you

I was in a great place in my life
Everything was going right
and I was happier than I'd ever been
I couldn't find a thing to complain about
But the way that life works
everything has to be in balance
You can't have positive
without negative
So I did not expect my good streak
to last very long
but it was still a surprise
when every good thing I had
flipped upside down
When every positive aspect
negated itself so that I was right back to where I was before
It breaks my heart
but I accept it silently
I don't complain because I don't want anyone to hear
how miserable I've become
In the short time I've been away
I don't want anyone to know
the depression I'm feeling
Because we were all doing great together
and I don't want to be
the first one to fall

In the corner of my room
sits a vase filled with dead flowers
They are wilted and withered
through no fault of their own
They were given as a gesture of love
in a state of beauty
But they were cut at their source
separated from their roots
so that they could no longer reach the nutrients they need to survive
And I watched them
as they became brown and brittle
and faded from the glory they once held
But I've kept them
because they remind me of you
They remind me of how we had something
that slowly slipped away
until it crumbled in my fingers
when I tried to bring it back to life
But they are still flowers
They are still beautiful even though they are dying
Because what they represented was so beautiful
even if it's passed on

You believed in me when no one else did
You told me you saw my worth
when I couldn't even see it in myself
You saved me by opening my eyes to the cliffs edge on which I was teetering so desperately
Because your love for me was unconditional
when I thought it was dependent on your perception of who I was
But you always thought of me as the girl you first met,
pure and innocent,
too repressed to even say two words to you
But slowly you brought me out of my shell,
got to know me because you found genuine interest in me as a person
But I don't deserve your fondness
or your adoration
Because I'm not worthy of anything you could give me
But I thank you
for giving it to me anyway

I am walking through a ghost town
That is full of live people
But the smell of graveyard flowers softly whispers the names of the dead
Empathy
I no longer want to know the emotions behind your actions
I have no desire to let you distort my views so that I feel sorry for the things you did
Love
I can never be sure that love lived in the first place
And to think that it did brings no comfort to the situation
But I can't stop
All I wonder is if it has died forever
Sanity
My mind has been placed on house arrest
I spent all this time trying to run from my thoughts only to realize they were tied to my ankle
So I can find no escape
I am invisible
And as I watch everyone move around me
I know that you have placed me here
With the rest of the dead
Because you could no longer bear to see the casualties you have caused
So I sit here in silence
Watching you do the same to another
Because even if I did call out
She wouldn't be able to hear me
So I listen to your twisted lies
And the cries of the fallen
With tears rolling down my cheeks
Rest In Peace

Movies love to advertise the best case scenario
Ending every story with a heartfelt twist that no one was expecting but everyone saw coming
So we go through life believing that those same things will happen to us
That our parents will get back together after years of divorce
That the hero always wins
That the boy we love will tear through heaven and hell to get us back
But none of that is reality
In real life, there is hurt and heart break and it doesn’t always get better
Life doesn’t fix itself in the fairytale montage way we all hope for
Life is a fight
But not in the royal battle scene sort of way
Life is a war
Each side playing *****, bending the rules to guarantee their win
Without regarding any casualties that may occur at their hands
Life is blind to the blood it has spilled
Making it the most primal killer
But I want you to stay alive
I want you to have your fairytale ending
and find that there is good in real life
But most often
Our parents will stay separated
Our heroes disappoint us
and the love of our life will let us go
Because real life is nothing like the movies
Because there are no happy endings

As I lay in my bed
in my room
in my own house
I don't feel at home
Because I feel like a home isn't confined to the four walls in which you reside
but in where you're heart lies
So why would I claim a home where I feel pressured and unappreciated
when my home is wherever I'm with you

i'm asking you
to punch me in the face
because i'm sure
it would hurt less than this

I dream of the day
That I will come home to a home
that does not only belong to me
That I will come home to someone
who will climb up next to me
in a bed that is ours
That I will open our fridge and pull out our wine
and sit down in front of our fireplace and talk
about the day we wished we had had together
That I will have to learn to smoke with my left hand
because you like to hold my right
when we're sitting on our back porch
drinking coffee
I dream
Of kisses brushed hastily across rushed lips
but with still enough time to say I love you
Of going to sleep every night
pressed up against the person that will forever be mine
I dream of the day
That I will make a covenant to one person
for the rest of my life
That I will be able to love someone fully
and have them love me back
That someone will want me forever
And not just for a moment
But most of all
I dream of the day
That I meet you

It's easier for me to learn by doing
Because I like being able to apply my knowledge
I would rather participate in a religious festival than read about it in a book
I would rather talk about what I've learned than to take a test
I would rather complete an experiment than to watch it being done
Which is why I have to let you hurt me
So I will learn why I can't trust you

Raging winds and rain and booming thunder
Thoughts paint the sky dark gray until it is no longer the water in your eyes that stops you from seeing
Trees shake and leaves tremble
Even shadows quake in fear
Your rain-soaked hands keep you from holding on
Because you don't have the means to dry yourself off
You fly in whatever direction the wind takes you because you know it is stronger than you are
When you think that there cannot possibly be any escape from this tempest downpour
Finally, there is silence
Every breath you take echoes through the departed uproar
Leaves stand still and shadows come out of their hiding places
You stand up and wipe tear-stained cheeks with soaking hands and you can still hear faint sounds of thunder in the distance
And as you stand you look behind you and see the same fate you have escaped waits for you once more
But rain cannot bother someone who is already drenched
And running in circles will only make you tired
For now you have entered into stillness
And now is all you need

I once told the story
Of the little boy much too big to be called little
Who would stand over his parent's bed
When his father had nightmares
And would put his pudgy hands on his father's chest and say
"But I love you, but I love you, but I love you"
I once told the story
Of the young adolescent boy
Who watched his older brother give his life to drugs
Watched him be dragged away to penitentiary
But he would still call out
"But I love you, but I love you, but I love you"
I once told the story
Of the teenage boy
Who had been told that his sister had been *****
Who held her in his arms weeping
And he whispered to her
"But I love you, but I love you, but I love you"
I once told the story
Of the lonely young man
Who was surrounded by people
He couldn't bring himself to smile
He felt that all the joy had been ripped from him
Because it had been all his life
But he sat on his knees and cried out to his god
"But I love you, but I love you, but I love you"
But today
I now tell the story
Of a man no longer plagued by his past
Living the life he has always deserved
And I stand before him today
And watch his marry his soul mate
The man who always loved finally had love for himself
And he says his vows with excitement and vigor
Saying
"Because I love her, because I love her, because I love her"

I've promised you a lot of things,
but these are the most important
There are pieces of you falling apart
and I promise to walk behind you
to pick them up
I promise to tell you
that you are kind, and beautiful, and smart
Because you were all those things before I came to know you
and you will be all those things when I leave
but I promise to acknowledge them
I promise that I will love you no matter what
that your hour long rants and mood swings will not drive me away
But that I will deal with them accordingly to try and make you happy again
I promise to leave you to yourself
when you're in a bad mood
Because I know you don’t like to talk about your feelings
and I know you  hate crying in front of people
But when you do
I promise to wipe your tears
before they drop from your chin onto your shirt
And to fix your make up so that you look as flawless as you did before
I promise to talk to you when you need
and sit in silence with you when you don’t
I promise that I will stop everything to be with you
No matter where I am,
No matter what time,
I would do anything for you
Because you are the most important person to me
I promise

I refuse to believe
that our story ends here
Because my book is filled with blank pages
and you were the writer
I refuse to believe
that you don’t love me
Because you have never given me any reason
to believe so
I refuse to believe
that I will never see you again
Because the earth is round
so if you walked your entire life
you would end up
back here with me
I refuse to believe
that you were no good for me
Because you were the only good thing I had
when I had nothing
I refuse to believe
everything people said about us
Because we were good kids
who made a few mistakes
and I would rather make those mistakes
a million times with you
Than refuse to believe
in us

I wish we started with tears
For becoming strangers
and no longer knowing the rhythm of the other's heart
And moved to angry rants
Spewing brand new feelings of hatred
Though we're not sure where they came from
Progressing to the closeness of intertwined bodies
Always feeling the cadence of one another
To being so in love
That the thought of the other makes you flush with enamor
Moving then to late night talks
About life and the universe
And flowers and chocolate
Because what's more cliché?
Then to sweet love
Shown through holding sweaty hands
And wanting to spend every moment in contact
Then gradually spreading apart
Becoming tentative but appreciating every time you touch
Swallowing every word you ever said to them
And letting theirs drain from your ears
So that you drift safely away from each other
I wish we started with tears
And ended with "Hi, nice to meet you."

When people refer to books
They say the damaged ones are loved
That the torn pages and smudged words show that it has been read over and over
And that its personal value is greater than one that is flawless
But I've never felt like a book
My damages reflect my neglect and my hurt
My tear stained cheeks and my wounded heart have never caused me to feel loved
Or appreciated
When you run your hands over me
Like you would a book
It's never for my benefit, it's for yours
You tear at my heartstrings and smudge my emotions
But it's never caused me joy
My dents and scratches only hurt
Please don't treat me like a book

I am my own person
and I make my own decisions
Sometimes they're stupid
and irresponsible
But they're mine
and occasionally
when she jumps off a bridge
I will take the dive with her
But when I know we will not return to climb up once more
I wait at the bottom
ready to break her inevitable fall
Yes she will influence me
and at times it will be for the worst
and I would follow her to the ends of the earth
But I am me
and she is her
So let me make my own calls
and stop worrying that she will break me

As I step into the shower,
The smell of last night's events finally hits me
A mixture of drinking, smoking, and general bad decisions clings to my body
I scrub every inch of me to try and rid myself of everything that happened the day before
Liquor clings to my skin, a sticky reminder of the good time I had when the night began
Smoke clings to my hair, making it greasy and thick
Your touch clings to my body, every fingerprint its own little insult
Your taste clings to my lips, more bitter than the stench of the night doubled over a thousand times
Because I didn’t realize then what we were doing,
What consequences would  come  with our actions
But now, in the light of day, with steam and hot water resonating around me
I know that you were a mistake
A drunken escapade that will fade because we have no other choice
We can't change what we did, but we can't act upon it
It'd be too messy
Too complicated
And I know you don’t want to deal with it
You never knew how I felt about you until last night and even still I doubt you'll remember
But you know what happened between us
And so I expect you'll want it erased
More than I do

Once
I met a boy with soft grey eyes
that matched the color of his sweatshirt
His smile was tentative but it made him mildly more attractive
He didn't say much but he listened intently
And I wondered what he was thinking
But he gave nothing away
Once
I talked to a boy with soft grey eyes
that peered into mine
and blond hair
that he kept pushing off of his forehead
In closer proximity with him I realize
He's a very striking young man
Once
I had dinner with a boy with soft grey eyes
that paired well with the purple shirt he was wearing
Everything he said captivated me
He talked steadily but quietly
He was charming and funny
and I have never been so hypnotized
Once
I fell in love with a boy with soft grey eyes
and a heart bigger than his head
He brushed kisses over my forehead like the words he spoke
Gentle and sweet but strong
so that I knew he loved me too
Once
I fought with a boy with soft grey eyes
that projected his silent anger
when he had no more to say
It was my fault and I pushed him too far
until his face turned dark
and he let his hair fall onto his face
because he was too enraged to push it away
But he never rose his voice
he never yelled
he always kept the love in his voice
But once
I lost a boy with soft grey eyes
Because the soft grey turned dark
until the love seemed to slip away
It was still there, I knew, but it was harder to see
And I still thought about the boy I met that day
Quiet and reserved
hardly saying two words but he slowly stole my heart
but taking it all away until I wished I had met him
Only once

Ever since you left
I haven't wanted to feel anything
except fire
because you lit one in me
and then decided
you didn't like the way it felt
so you didn't want to stick around
to take care of it
So I drink to feel the burning in my throat
I smoke to feel the burning in my lungs
I cry to feel the burning on my cheeks
I am trying to use what you began
to start a forest fire within myself
spreading out of control
until there is nothing left
until I extinguish every part of you
But no matter how much I burn
it doesn't help
I am turning myself to ash
one bad decision at a time
But I'm hoping
that maybe once I've burned myself up
I will rise again
as a phoenix
and maybe then
my tears
will be able to heal me

I misinterpret the little things you do
because I want so badly to believe
that you feel the same way that I do
So I magnify every tiny detail,
every act of kindness
to be an act of love
or longing
because that's what I feel
So every smile you send my way
every time you ask me to lunch with a group of friends
every goodbye hug
means so much to me
but is probably pointless to you

I misinterpret the little things you do
because I've never been in love
I don't know what it's like
to care for someone
and have them care for you
but I think
maybe I could be in love with you
So every brush of your arm
every hand you give to help me up
makes me sink deeper into longing
but is probably pointless to you

I misinterpret the little things you do
because my ego is simultaneously so inflated
and so small
I can't decide if what I'm thinking
is how you actually feel
or my feelings
reflected onto you
Each shared laugh
each fleeting glance
Is so confusing
I turn in circles trying to figure out what's right,
what's really going on in your head
And nothing has ever been
so meaningful to me
but I know
it's probably pointless to you

There's a danger in poison
that does not know of its own toxicity
Poison that offers itself garnished
with soft grey eyes
and intoxicating words
that could subdue even the most strong willed
So I'm drunk off your kiss
and impaired by your touch
Because even your fingers are laced with venom
and when you told me you weren't poison
I believed you
Because I am as weak as they come
and it wasn't until I was lying alone,
struggling for breath,
that I realized
just how toxic you were

When I was 5
I wrote poems on printed sheets I would get at day care
about apples and leaves
and whatever inanimate object was within my vision
and I had to make sure every line rhymed
Or it wasn't real poetry
When I was 9
I wrote poems on loose leaf paper
but only for school
because I hated writing
because I thought I wasn't any good at it
That it wasn't real poetry
When I was 12
I wrote poems on the backs of my worksheets
but only when no one else was looking
because I didn't want anyone else to see
because even though I thought my writing was good
I was afraid that no one else would
That it wasn't real poetry
When I was 15
I wrote poems on my arms
with the sharpest object I could find
because my words didn't matter anymore
only what I felt
so I would feel in free verse
Until my words blended red
But that wasn't real poetry
Was it?

You asked me if I would ever relive the happiest moment of my life
But only if I also relived the pain and everything thereafter, exactly as it happened
But I don't think I ever would
Not because the pain was too great, though it was immeasurable, that's not why I would refuse
My happiest moment has changed innumerable times since I have been alive so why wouldn't it change again?
At one time in my life, it was three of us lying in bed watching a movie and falling asleep way too early
Then it was staying up way too late and just laughing because that's all we could do without falling asleep
Then it was a different three sitting on the roof of a house under construction
Or getting drunk at home just because we could
Then to the streets of new york, just existing in the big city
Now to picnics at the hilltop taking pictures so we'll always remember
But one day you may hate me, or not even remember my name
But right now my happiest moment is with you and I know it is subject to change
And so will the next one
But I wouldn't go back even if my life only gets worse from here
Because I know it won’t
It will only get better because life is ever ascending
And it can only get better from here

I remember thinking once
that the best nights
were ones you couldn't remember
Because in those moments you can't recall
you assumed you were having fun
And you remember laughing about spilled tequila
because you knew you didn't need anymore
But in the morning you would look at the bottle
and see liquor spilled across the carpet
and wonder why you found it so funny
Because now you've added more to the mess
that was already scattered across your floor
And the butterflies in your stomach
aren't warm and fuzzy like the night before
but a fire burning deep into your chest
And you hang your head in consternation
because you have no idea what you've done
And words of regret sit in your mouth
because it is too dry to form sentences to adequately describe your guilt
So I have come to find
that the nights you can't remember are desolate for a reason
To remember would send you into a perpetual state of hatred
if you weren't there already

The reason my poems are so short
is the same reason I don't talk much
It's because my thought process never extends itself beyond a few simple sentences
I've tried, in my writing and my speech, to expand my voice
to make more of my thoughts
But every time I try
my words come out jumbled and confused,
no longer as elegant and sophisticated as when I began
And I'm not sure why
I am not simple minded
My thoughts are often profound and eloquent
But I can't externalize them
in the way I want
So they stay living in the corners of my mind
for only me to know
So maybe I'm not simple minded
but simple spoken

If, today, you woke up and I didn't,
your world would still turn
your sun would still rise and set
your seasons would still change
Because you would find a way to get over me,
even if you say you won't
Because your eyes would still see
your mind would still think
and your heart would still beat

When I learned about the Devil
I saw him as a little red man
with horns and a tail
But no one ever taught me about the Devil
with deep brown eyes and a smile that lights up the room
Because people often forget that Satan was an angel that fell from Heaven
and maybe you were someone's angel
But to me
You were my Lucifer

I feel like the earth that is in love with the sun
Always feeling the warmth
But it just keeps turning in circles
Spinning around because it knows there are other planets too
That it is not the only one receiving the light
But that doesn't seem to matter
Because the gravitational pull is too strong
So that trying to get out would be pointless
Not that it has any desire to
Because it is comfortable
But what it does not realize
Is the universe is so much bigger than that created by the sun
If it were to just let go
What it could see would be more beautiful than it could imagine
If only it would let go
If only I could let go

the stars remind me
that we're so small
compared to our universe
but tell me
if we're so small
how could this tragedy
impact me so much

thinking of you
is like stargazing
with a roof over my head
confusing and frustrating
there's no point
except to get under my skin

thinking of you
is like sitting
around a bonfire
simple and comforting
it warms me
from the inside out

thinking of you
is like open heart surgery
agonizing and risky
not sure if it will fix the problem at hand
but it greatly decreases the risk

thinking of you
is like smoking
an unlit cigarette
tormenting and disappointing
what I want sitting in my hand
with no way to ignite it

thinking of you
has never been an easy task
there have always been tribulations attached
because you are such a complex entity
but I often wonder
if you sit around
thinking of me

Roses that seem so harmless
are the reason my arms are covered in scratches
I believed in something so beautiful
that I forgot to watch for the barbs
Until I touched them I could appreciate their allure
but once I did all I felt
was the blood dripping from my hands
You only spoke roses at me
which is why it was so easy to listen
But when I started to believe
you took away all the beauty
and showed me your thorns