I dream of the day
That I will come home to a home
that does not only belong to me
That I will come home to someone
who will climb up next to me
in a bed that is ours
That I will open our fridge and pull out our wine
and sit down in front of our fireplace and talk
about the day we wished we had had together
That I will have to learn to smoke with my left hand
because you like to hold my right
when we're sitting on our back porch
drinking coffee
I dream
Of kisses brushed hastily across rushed lips
but with still enough time to say I love you
Of going to sleep every night
pressed up against the person that will forever be mine
I dream of the day
That I will make a covenant to one person
for the rest of my life
That I will be able to love someone fully
and have them love me back
That someone will want me forever
And not just for a moment
But most of all
I dream of the day
That I meet you

I gave you everything I had
2. and let it all be taken away
3. One mistake to many
4. One push too far
5. I walked a line that was too blurry to see
6. and fell on the side that you weren't on
7. And I'm sorry
8. I'm so so sorry
9. for leaving
10. even when I didn't want to
11. for taking you for granted
12. for not realizing you're all I needed
13. for telling you I loved you too much
14. or not enough
15. I'm not sure
16. for never knowing what to say
17. but hoping that you would just know
18. for not spending every moment I could with you
19. because now you're gone
20. and I would do anything to get you back
21. But I don’t know what to do
22. I don’t know
23. I never know
24. I'm sorry
25. For everything
26. Because it's my fault
27. It's all my fault

I am my own person
and I make my own decisions
Sometimes they're stupid
and irresponsible
But they're mine
and occasionally
when she jumps off a bridge
I will take the dive with her
But when I know we will not return to climb up once more
I wait at the bottom
ready to break her inevitable fall
Yes she will influence me
and at times it will be for the worst
and I would follow her to the ends of the earth
But I am me
and she is her
So let me make my own calls
and stop worrying that she will break me

I spent the beginning of 2015,
12 midnight,
in the bathroom with my closest friends
and I wouldn't have changed a thing

You've been trying to save me
ever since I fell
But what you seem to forget
is that you're the one
who threw me out of heaven
And now
that my wings are burned
and I'm declining
at terminal velocity
You want to reach out
to be my salvation
But it's too late for me
I've gone too far
and lost too much
to find my way back
And honestly
I'd rather crash head first
into the hell that awaits me
than to accept deliverance
from the one who murdered me

To find love in the heart of war is to find only death
Because finding true love in a battle should cause the opposition to cease
Not to increase the casualties
I trusted that if I entered the fight with you
You would help me come out on top
But it turns out that you were my fatal flaw
Not because you were my Achilles heel
But because you knew what it was
And used it to **** me
I fell on my own sword because you told me you would fall on yours too
You used my trust to annihilate me and I've never recovered
To find love in the heart of war is to find only death
But I would die a million times to love you again

Your façade is a lie that you're telling so beautifully
that I don't want to interrupt
by exposing your truth
even if it would save you

I'm just one colossal **** up

Don’t you dare try to pass off your mistakes as mine
Because I have enough of my own
And I don’t need you to pile on more crap
You were supposed to protect me and care for me
And when you didn't
You blamed me instead of dealing with your own ****
You said it was my fault when you knew **** well it wasn't
So ******* for even insinuating that I should apologize
Because I have in every way possible
You stole every single thing in my life that I held dear
But I should apologize
Because you're angry
Because this hurt you
Well maybe it did
But that didn't seem to stop you
From turning around and hurting me

I've never heard a noise so soft and low
as your name whispered to my heart
It crept in, making itself at home in my thoughts
hiding in corners and peeking out whenever you're around
sticking its head right in my blind spot
so that I stay oblivious
but everyone else can see
People ask me about it
and I'm genuinely surprised
because I have no idea what they're talking about
it started as a whisper
and the gradual crescendo was lost on me
I didn’t even realize it was there
until I heard her name in your heart
ringing louder than mine

your name
rolls off my tongue
like it was all I was meant to say
but I try not to say it
too often
because I feel like other people
are tired of hearing it

the stars remind me
that we're so small
compared to our universe
but tell me
if we're so small
how could this tragedy
impact me so much

I grew up watching movies
where girls fell in love
with the first person they met
So forgive me
when I think
that I'm in love
with you

I can't stop drinking about you