I can't stop drinking about you

As I step into the shower,
The smell of last night's events finally hits me
A mixture of drinking, smoking, and general bad decisions clings to my body
I scrub every inch of me to try and rid myself of everything that happened the day before
Liquor clings to my skin, a sticky reminder of the good time I had when the night began
Smoke clings to my hair, making it greasy and thick
Your touch clings to my body, every fingerprint its own little insult
Your taste clings to my lips, more bitter than the stench of the night doubled over a thousand times
Because I didn’t realize then what we were doing,
What consequences would  come  with our actions
But now, in the light of day, with steam and hot water resonating around me
I know that you were a mistake
A drunken escapade that will fade because we have no other choice
We can't change what we did, but we can't act upon it
It'd be too messy
Too complicated
And I know you don’t want to deal with it
You never knew how I felt about you until last night and even still I doubt you'll remember
But you know what happened between us
And so I expect you'll want it erased
More than I do

I can feel myself slipping into unrequited love
Like the ground beneath me is crumbling and there's no way for me to break my fall
But I don’t know, if there was, that I would catch myself
Because there's nothing about you that I don’t find incredibly endearing
The way you laugh at your own jokes,
Your dimples when you smile too big,
Your hand in mine when you're too drunk to walk on your own,
Your voice
Oh your voice drives me insane
Soft and rich, coaxing me to dip further into this river styx that you have created for me
But somewhere deep inside
I know that you're probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me
And I hate you
I hate you for being the way you are because it's so **** appealing
I hate you for what you've done to me, whether you know it or not
Because the only thing I don’t love about you is my infatuation
But it's too late for me to pull myself out of the abyss that is you
Even though you've swept me away like the dust under your couch
There's nothing I wouldn't do for you
You're like my own personal drug.
I think I'm in control, but slowly
I realize that I can never have enough
That I can never be satisfied with the little you're giving me
And that you have all the power.
So no, I wouldn't catch myself
I would let my body tumble as deep into the earth as it could go
Letting every chunk of dirt, every grain of sand follow behind me
Hoping that, eventually, it would bury me alive

I would die for you in a second
But it would never be void of selfishness
Because the life I live
Is so predominately affected by you
That not only could I not bear for you to die
I couldn't bear to live without you

I grew up watching movies
where girls fell in love
with the first person they met
So forgive me
when I think
that I'm in love
with you

I've been afraid of losing you
ever since I found out you were mine
Because when I love someone
I love them too hard
I want to talk to them all the time
and text them throughout the day
to let them know they were on my mind
Because I think about them constantly
but then I feel too clingy
I back off
I act like I don't care for them
as much as I do
Because I'm afraid they won't feel the same way
Because I've convinced myself
that no one could actually care for me
that people spend time with me
simply because they pity me
but behind my back
they talk about how annoying I am
or they don't mention me at all
because that's how little I matter to them
So you have no idea
how much I love you
You think you do,
But you don't
Because all I want is to hold your hand
and talk to you for hours
But instead I shove my hands in my pockets
and bite my tongue
Because I'm afraid you won't like me
if I say too much
That if you know how much I need you,
you'll leave

the stars remind me
that we're so small
compared to our universe
but tell me
if we're so small
how could this tragedy
impact me so much

i'm asking you
to punch me in the face
because i'm sure
it would hurt less than this

Ever since you left
I haven't wanted to feel anything
except fire
because you lit one in me
and then decided
you didn't like the way it felt
so you didn't want to stick around
to take care of it
So I drink to feel the burning in my throat
I smoke to feel the burning in my lungs
I cry to feel the burning on my cheeks
I am trying to use what you began
to start a forest fire within myself
spreading out of control
until there is nothing left
until I extinguish every part of you
But no matter how much I burn
it doesn't help
I am turning myself to ash
one bad decision at a time
But I'm hoping
that maybe once I've burned myself up
I will rise again
as a phoenix
and maybe then
my tears
will be able to heal me

I misinterpret the little things you do
because I want so badly to believe
that you feel the same way that I do
So I magnify every tiny detail,
every act of kindness
to be an act of love
or longing
because that's what I feel
So every smile you send my way
every time you ask me to lunch with a group of friends
every goodbye hug
means so much to me
but is probably pointless to you

I misinterpret the little things you do
because I've never been in love
I don't know what it's like
to care for someone
and have them care for you
but I think
maybe I could be in love with you
So every brush of your arm
every hand you give to help me up
makes me sink deeper into longing
but is probably pointless to you

I misinterpret the little things you do
because my ego is simultaneously so inflated
and so small
I can't decide if what I'm thinking
is how you actually feel
or my feelings
reflected onto you
Each shared laugh
each fleeting glance
Is so confusing
I turn in circles trying to figure out what's right,
what's really going on in your head
And nothing has ever been
so meaningful to me
but I know
it's probably pointless to you

your name
rolls off my tongue
like it was all I was meant to say
but I try not to say it
too often
because I feel like other people
are tired of hearing it

I was in a great place in my life
Everything was going right
and I was happier than I'd ever been
I couldn't find a thing to complain about
But the way that life works
everything has to be in balance
You can't have positive
without negative
So I did not expect my good streak
to last very long
but it was still a surprise
when every good thing I had
flipped upside down
When every positive aspect
negated itself so that I was right back to where I was before
It breaks my heart
but I accept it silently
I don't complain because I don't want anyone to hear
how miserable I've become
In the short time I've been away
I don't want anyone to know
the depression I'm feeling
Because we were all doing great together
and I don't want to be
the first one to fall

I've never heard a noise so soft and low
as your name whispered to my heart
It crept in, making itself at home in my thoughts
hiding in corners and peeking out whenever you're around
sticking its head right in my blind spot
so that I stay oblivious
but everyone else can see
People ask me about it
and I'm genuinely surprised
because I have no idea what they're talking about
it started as a whisper
and the gradual crescendo was lost on me
I didn’t even realize it was there
until I heard her name in your heart
ringing louder than mine