she says turn down your music like

oh ****, let's just

twist the volume from

here to here

and everything's gonna be all right. like

those big-toothed snakes we used to dream of gonna

creep to her bedroom when they hear this

beautiful thunder in my window.

like if i turn my guitar to a whisper of static everything's

gonna disappear

in a puff of smoke and

—heavy hands be gone—

we can all breathe through this

tepid air

without something else to wrap around

and through every shivering

f

       r

     a

          c

              t

    u        

    r

       e.



because that's never going to work on me

again.

You don't grow up
You learn to
Lower your cap
Hide your face
Your expression
And
Walk away,
Wordlessly

I saw death today.
It stared at me from a face; a face not so different from my own.
A young man, a living soul, a mother’s son.
I loved him; I prayed death would not be so cruel, but there he lay.
I am not Death’s master. Death has no fear of me.
Only one has power over death, God, and I am not he.
Death came quickly, why it chose him I cannot say.
I could not save him. I could do nothing.
So I left him there… but never forgetting.
I still remember to this day.

My insecurity swallows me whole
Only leaving the seeds
To be planted so I may grow

with nowhere to go, the streets were our canvas
and we were going to paint them gold.
my mind was racing, heartbeat fast-pacing
with all my cares left out in the cold.
one twenty-six in the morning,
current location: somewhere between fearlessness and the cinema parking lot
destination: midnight

Dear Life,

Get out of my life. I don't like you; I’m scared of you. I'm not scared of death; I’m scared of life.  I can't look at myself in the mirror without getting goose bumps; I can’t water a plant without screaming. I don't know why I'm afraid of life, I just am.

But maybe it has something to do with my mother; she hated death, so I decided to revolt against her by hating life.

Another thing I should mention is that I don't like school, because most learning has something to do with living. In case you're wondering, I don't like writing, and I’m terrible at it. So don't expect any Shakespeare, coming from me.  “Why are you writing this?” you ask.  Well, I'll tell you.

It was about a year ago, that I started going to talk to this weird    psychiatrist that my mother wanted me to see. So we talked and we talked, and I was not having fun because I hated talking.  The psychiatrist said that I should write about my phobia, to get all my anger out. I thought,” what a bunch of nonsense,” but I did it. Here I am now writing to you. I ‘m afraid you’re never going to write back and that’s fine with me. But if you do, I’m afraid of what you’ll tell me, anyway.  I’m scared that you’ll call me a coward for being afraid of something   that I’ve lived with all these years.



Signed,

       Collin.



  Dear Collin,

I received your letter a while ago and I have been contemplating your phobia for 2 years. For what you wrote was powerful.



You’re not a coward and I won’t scold you. I have a phobia of death. Everyone has a phobia of something or other. Your phobia is not unusual but just so few people these days care to express themselves.  You’re one of the first people to have written to me.  You’re not a coward; you’re talking to your fear, something that takes lots of courage.



There is no reason to be afraid of me. Why are you afraid of me? I don’t think your mother is the real reason. I think you’re just too scared to go out in the real world and breathe the living air. You’re not afraid of life, you’re afraid of what is in life. You’re not afraid of me, you’re afraid of the lives I create and what is inside of them.

Your mother cares about you. She wants you to conquer your fear. You can do it, simply enjoy what’s around you, and don’t be afraid. Because, beneath your fear is hatred and you have no choice but to love.

You can do it , Collin, I know you can.



Signed,

Life

Clouds breaking

Nature awaking

Centuries past

It stopped at last



Sweet winds blowing

No longer snowing

Plants budding

Creeks flooding



Creatures forgetting

That

     cold

            rush



Getting the hang of

   That

         spring

             touch



Winter's end

         Nature's jubilee