I am emotional and emotionless. I love myself, I hate myself. I am happy, I am sad. I am so so sad. I want to get married. I hate the thought of it. I would love to have a baby with you. That’s a horrible idea. Maybe I should end this, I want this to last forever. Don’t ever leave me, I don’t need you. I feel great, everything hurts. Everything.. hurts. I want to die, waste of life. I want to die, I want to stay. I want to die, I’ll be here for you. I want to be your everything, I can’t handle that. I can’t sleep, I’m so tired. I need help, no I don’t, I’m fine. I’m fine, I’m falling apart. I’m not okay, can’t tell. Terrified of truth, it’s ripping my insides out.
and
I hurt.

I’m doing fine without you.
Everyone said it and everyone was so sure
and everyone was right because
I can go whole hours and days without thinking of you. I never thought I would be able to do that.
I’m doing fine without you,
and I hope you’re fine, too.
I’d say sorry but neither of us are. I’d say I miss you but I don’t.
You’d say you hate me but you probably don’t care enough anymore.
Hate is exhausting, I know.
I’m doing fine without you.
It’ll be a year in July since I found someone better.
And it’ll be two in August since we ruined everything.
Bout five since I didn’t know who you were,
so about five since I was happiest.
But I’m happy again.
I’m doing fine without you.

They do not tell you how awful sadness is.
When they romanticize heartbreak and romanticize depression,
they just forgot to mention that it is actually really, really terrible.
And all the little girls grow up wanting to fall
and fall and fall until they spend their nights crying and lonely
because the movies and the books,
they all made it look so meaningful and pretty
and grown up.
They do not tell you how it just sits like a knot in your stomach
and sometimes makes you feel sick
and sometimes feels like all the fallen tears took your soul with them.
They just show you it happens and they tell you it’s supposed to.
All the little girls grew up and fell
and got their hearts broken for it
and found out it’s pointless and ugly
and juvenile
and it hurts.
They find out how awful it is and they do very much wonder why nobody ever told them. They wonder if they just didn’t listen. They wonder if it’s their fault
and they feel stupid.

why do you have to be sad before you appreciate happy? why does that burning inspiration only come when you are in darkness? why do I fill pages while a knot of sadness sits in my stomach? why do the urges to pour out feelings no longer come while I am enjoying my time, myself, my love? why does happiness stomp out creativity like a cigarette in an ashtray and sadness lights it back up with some addictive flame? yes… the sadness might make you sink low, low, low, but that’s where the passion is. when you are low and you don’t understand, you either write about it, draw it out, paint it into vision, you express it in some way, or you **** yourself. you have to do something with all those raw feelings. what about happiness though? happiness is so bright and special, why don’t I want or need to express that? is my happy less than everyone else’s? why are things so right when I’m so broken? I only understand myself in sadness. happiness makes me question everything. sadness feels like being in love. are those the only two things I can really feel? sadness and love?… the only times I feel alive, the only times I feel like me are when I have something to write about, something to consume me in 4am thoughts, something that makes it all so real, to make me need to get it out and appreciate the intensity in another form.

darling, there will be days when our cheeks are slicked wet from the rainstorms within our hearts, when i will be rendered unable to disengage from the safety of my blankets, when i will ask for you to hold me until i no longer feel as if i am breaking.  there will be nights when i smoke countless cigarettes until my throat is ragged & it is easier not to speak, when i will not allow myself to eat because i believe i do not deserve it, when i will call long after you have fallen to sleep, desperately seeking your voice through the static because i am afraid i will forget the way it resonates in my eardrums.

but even this certain pain, my love, my own one, will make us better.  you will see me destroyed & vulnerable, flawed with need.  we will strip each other bare to our truest of selves & fall in love with that sheer beauty beneath.  i give you my undying adoration, the ever-present reaching of my arms, my boundless, uncontained love.  

you are the spark of stars illuminating my night sky, you are coursing with urgency through my bloodstream, you are everywhere & our time is now.  i will love you fragile.  i will love you strong.  
oh darling, i will kiss your fingertips each & every night before together we dream.

They asked me my name
Hi I'm Jessica
They asked me to describe myself
I'm happy and I trust easily
I met a boy
He was nice, and funny
He had a crush
I was it
Gave him my trust
I thought we'd be bestest friends forever
But then he met someone else
She asked me my name
Hi I'm Jessica
She asked me to describe myself
I'm happy and I have amazing friends
He put me on the back shelf
I was forgotten
He lost my trust
He couldn't find it
He didn't want to find it
I was left out
Replaced by someone
She was beautiful
She was skinner
She was better at everything
Everything I thought I was
Everything I could do,
She could do it better
I looked up to her
I tried to be like her
She introduced me to here friends
They asked me my name
Hi I'm Jessica
They asked me to describe myself
I'm forgotten and I want to be like you
A while passed
This went on and on
He said we were still best friends
But he didn't act like one
I couldn't take it
They ask me my name
Hi I'm Jessica
They say describe yourself
I'm depressed and Waiting

I am from the old world
    From over the waters
I am from old houses
    Majestic, kings and Celtics
I am from Mountains and Lakes
     Mozart, Music, Stereotypes

I am from red-white-red
    And what once was a monastery
I am from skiing, snow and sunshine
    From Schnitzel and pasta
I am from almost Espresso
    And people speaking fast
I am from languages
(Servus, Srečno, Ciao)

I am from a house with a mom
   And a brother, little me
I am from a family with 4+21
   I am from a field, tough but still a passion
   And rivers with the moonlight

I am from climbing
  And the top of the world
I am from kilometers and kilograms
   And from long nights

I am from Rap
       And the school where it’s never quiet
I am from a mother
       That says goodbye with the wings of a bird  
        And white roses
I am from a dad that helps me keep focused
        On the important parts of life

I am from singing people
That I left over the clouds
Far away

You call me an inspiration
Overcoming all this devastation
I don't feel any different
Beneath my skin
Is every hurtful word said
Laid out in chronological order
Starting from the day I decided to be myself
Instead of hiding behind doors meant for clothes
And you can say I had it easy
You can say I took all of the glory
But you know my name
You don't know my story
And my story is written on my arms
Written in notebooks
Where my notes should be
Instead I have outlines
About how much you meant to me
And I was told to pay attention
Listen to today's lesson
But I had already learned mine
I was two days ahead of time
And why apologize
When all you do is speak lies
I don't want your pity
Or your comments that you think are witty
So please save your half hearted words of encouragement
I don't need your secondhand prayers
Just let me be myself
And I won't need to cuss you out
Or live with doubt
About the way people see me
Everyone wants to be seen rather than heard
But my words are the only way I'm visible
So why cut out my tongue
Then ask why I am not outspoken
Or some lesbian token
Just because I don't shed tears in front of you
Doesn't mean that I don't feel pain
You asked me why I wanted to **** myself
And I told you I wanted to be happy
A life without me seems almost perfect
But people tell me I'm worth it
So it must be true
I can look at the sky a thousand times
And still wonder why its blue